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Sunday, 31 October 2010

Roller Coaster over the Moon

The last few days have been a complete journey for me: I have been forwards, backwards, side to side and complete circle. It all started the other night with ’the incident’. After the party, I rushed home to meet Peter online, but when I got in he was nowhere to be seen, so I got talking to Jay. We decided to play a practical joke on him, and so Jay texted Peter that I and he were on webcam to each other wanking. In retrospective t was a bad idea, but in England a joke like this would be overlooked and ignored, but I overlooked how delicate Peter is, and I hated myself for it. He took it the wrong way [and I now know that I betrayed is trust and love] but we spent the night talking to each other. I survived the claws of Jess, who to give her, her due rewards, she is an amazing friend but very intense and overprotective. And hypocritical. (All in due time).
So I hurt Peter by going along with the joke, and in turn he hurt me by saying that we were “just friends and that’s all” and also how he will have sex with someone else. Ordinarily thus would not affect me so badly, but I have such strong emotions for him, that they overrode my logical thinking and I broke down and cried. We ended up spending most of the night having an in-depth conversation about each other, ourselves and our relationship. We decided that we would be friends and so therefore we could sleep with whoever we wanted. But at the same point, we didn’t want to deny our emotions and true feelings. So by the end of the night I had spent about 2 hours waiting for Peter, 3 hours crying and talking; and then 2 hours finalising: leaving me 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up.
I slept. He forced me to lol. But earlier on tonight, at about 5ish e got talking and ...edited ... our agreement. WE decided that although we could have physical relationships with others, we wanted to remain emotionally attached, and effectively we were in an ‘open’ relationship. So we used this label. My first official boyfriend; and I can’t even touch him. A part of me still longs to be able to fulfil that aspect of our lives and our relationship, but I can’t so I have to do the next best thing and let someone else do it. Sort of like getting plasterers for a house: it does not affect the actual structure, but makes the whole thing complete, beautiful and ties it all together. Crap analogy I know, but accurate I think.
So we have spent the last day or so finalising our relationship and how everything will work. The decorations, so to speak. We have organised everything from when we are free to talk, to the conditions under which other relationships are allowed. And I know what you are all thinking ... “what’s the point? You’re probably never going to meet each other face to face?! And isn’t it all a bit too planned?”, well the short answers are: Because we want to, so? And no. But of course you all want a bit more detail and a bit more gossip than that. So here it goes...
Even if we never meet face to face [which I hope is not the case] then at least we would have explored this part of our lived. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all’ is never more apt here, and I feel it summaries everything perfectly. Just because you cannot touch God doesn’t mean that does/doesn’t exist, you cannot touch air but it is still the life giving source that it is today; and just because we cannot touch one another, does not mean that our emotions are any less real.
So the feedback we have had on both sides has been very limited and subdued. Many people have highlighted the flaws there are and what is likely to happen ect and even one person went so far as to be a total bitch when they found out and refuse to acknowledge that they may have hurt Peter’s feelings, so I had a small argument with them and gave up. People on my end are sort of in between. They want to trust me and believe that it will work, but they are finding the situation and circumstances too difficult to get past. So in the words of the famous Jay who the fuck am I to judge YOUR HEARTS and MINDS??? But please ... I personally (and Peter too probably) would love your opinions, suggestions, advice and even stories, as it could REALLY help us.
 So I have had a bit of a Roller Coaster ride for the last few days, but I am completely and utterly Over the Moon.
- Ttyl Jack xx


Brian said...

This is better than a TV soap opera. I certainly can't give any advice, I've never had a relationship like this. I'm just going to sit back and watch, and maybe learn.

jaygeemmm said...

in the words of the famous Trevor Project: It Gets Better.

@Brian: Gotta love teenage blogworld drama. But it involves real feelings and real emotions. Back in the day, when I was still very much repressing any gay thoughts, I had a long distance relationship with a girl. Back then, it really was impossible. Even cost me a car (I've blogged that story). I wish them the best.

Peace <3

Ethan said...

Not sure where everyone else is going but I say go for it.

I've done it before and though it was annoying not being able to touch my then-bf I still enjoyed it.

(We broke up b/c I met a bf that I could touch)
To this day though we are still good friends.

BTW I'm Ethan use to be a blogger here (ask Peter) though we have already met before.

Take Care,

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack (and Peter)

I haven't commented here as much as I would have liked over the last couple of days - too much real life, albeit quite a lot of it seems to have been sleep. I'm still feeling a bit breathless about how fast everything seems to have happened.

So, you asked for opinions and advice. The first thing I'd like to say is that I'm glad for both of you, and I sincerely hope you two can make your relationship work. I don't doubt it will be more difficult because of the distance between you, but it's certainly not impossible.

I've never experienced anything like this myself, so the only advice I can give is what I would say to any people in a relationship: it's all about communication. You have got to talk, and to listen, so that you can find out when problems are happening between you, and work out how to deal with them. Despite the fact that almost all you two can do is talk to each other, I think it's even more important for you, because you don't have the cues that you would get from being physically together. On the up side, it sounds as if you've already worked this out, after the last couple of days.



Micky said...

'Love is a many splendid thing!' You could do worse than google it.

Anyway - it's not for me to 'advise' you guys how to set up a long-distance relationship. The more real and honest it is the more satisfying it could be and if you are ever to meet and hold each other tight - they you'd both better have been pretty honest about stuff beforehand.

But I'm sure there's a any number of us who are reading both your and Peter's blog and are trying to be friends with both of you!

Jack xx said...

That it is Brian, that is it ... although i hope they dont kill off one of the main characters :/

Not quite sure what to put there Jay lol. Why did it end?

Hey Ethan, i do remember you (didn't know you are/were a blogger) Why did you stop? And thanks for the support ... its been kind of slim here in the real world :/

Thanks mark, fortunatelly for us ... TALK is all we do haha. We both hope that this will work, and yes, we have tried to sort any potential problems out already; although some are more to crop up, and i hope we can work our way past them x

Micky: I cant speek for Peter (although i'm sure he is the same) that i am being entirely honnest and cannot wait for that day when i can hold him tight and never let go. I do not intend on lying or misconstrewing the truth, (and reflecting on what Mark was saying) it is all about commnication, and thereby honesty.
And as for the friends part: the more the merrier :)

Jack xx

Ethan said...

Yeah I was been gone for about a month but I'm back (sort of)
Times have changed and the main reason I came to blogger was b/c I needed help being gay. And my parent's being homophobic.

They still are but I'm in college now and can be out and not be with them.
Also if push came to shove, I could move in with a friend if I needed too

If you have any questions about me or blogger ask away

Take Care

Jack xx said...

Well it sucks about your parents, but you cant chwnge them :( And we're all here for you x and thanks :)
Jack xx

jaygeemmm said...

@Ethan: Welcome back, sounds like you're here for all the right reasons...I think we're all in this I hope you enjoy being back!

Peace <3

Ethan said...

Thanks Jack and yeah it does suck
Thanks Jay

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