Hey, feel free to pop over to where I have a lot more content. Photographs, drawings, poems. Hope you enjoy xx

Thursday, 29 December 2011

I need a Doctor ...

Hey guys, its me again.

Um im in a spot of bother and thought now is as good as any time to ask for some help.

Basically, for the last, on i dont know, 3-4 months (?) my blog has been acting up and it is REALLY frustrating me.

There are several symptoms and if anyone can give me some advice on how to strop/fix this, it'd be really useful haha.

Ok, so ...
  • I cant see the 'followers' on my blog (or other people's) ... you know, on that 'gadget'
  • I cant comment on ANYONE's blog. No i havnt been ignoring Blogland, i just cant say anything haha
  • If by some mirracle it DOES let me post a comment, i have to sign in to my blog, sign in again to write a comment (which signs me out of my blog) and doesnt let me use my Blog 'name' to comment (i have to use OpenID or something)
  • I cant seem to follow anyone's blog now :/

These could be completely random coincidences but any suggestions?

Sunday, 25 December 2011


Hey everyone, hope your holidays are going well, im sure mine are :)

Just thought i'd wish you a happy and white christmas with your families xx

Take care and be merry ! xx

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Happy Holidays or Selfish Shopping

I’ve often wondered to what extent does society maintain its morals and values, for era’s past.

I mean, you look back to the 60’s and even further, and you can tell there is a definite distinctive moral consensus in society. Everyone had tasteful decorations that they often reused, got presents that people wanted AND needed and the whole holiday was about spending time with family and friends: to spread that Christmas cheer.

But what do we have nowadays? A tacky tree, children demanding douzens of pointless toys that are shinier than their neighbours and a day consumed by consumerism.

Thats not to say that these values have completely disappeared, but rather have been diminished over the decades. Sure you may spend time with your family, but do you enjoy it? Is it the foundations of the day? Do you do it because you WANT to or because your TOLD or its TRADITION?

To what extent has Christmas, and other holidays too (perhaps more so), been irreparably damaged beyond all recognition?

Toy stores worldwide strive to have the biggest, the best and the shiniest out on the market just before Christmas time so that children will demand them from their parents. Ant it doest stop there, its not just one toy or two, its several. There is quite an apt quote from Harry Potter:

“How many are there?!”
“36. Counted them myself”
“36?! But last year, last year I had 37!”
“Yes, but but some of them are quite a bit bigger than they were last year.”
“I don’t care how big they are!”

Now, this WAS talking about Birthdays and such, but the concept is still clear and applicable. Children are very susceptible to change and more often than not, they come to expect what they shouldn’t.

The magic from Christmas disappears in wake of consumerism and commodity fetishism, that is to say that we as a society ‘worship’ commodities and seldom view something for its ‘cost’ but rather for its ‘value’ to us as a buyer.

A good example of this is Coke. When was the last time you saw an advert that said “its tastes good.” Or “its fizzy!” It just doesn’t happen. Instead you are sold an idea, a preposterous and idiotic concept that if you drink Coke you will have consistency in your life or happiness.

Its a drink! And yet, as a consumer society we believe and encourage these forms of propaganda because, well there are a lot of theories out there.

The point is, this idea is evident everywhere. Even in these major holidays. The toy industry tells you that you need to buy bigger and more gifts for your children to show them you love them and to make their childhood ‘complete’ when in fact all you are doing is cluttering your house, wasting money and even instilling Capitalism into your kids.

The Capitalist Ideologies:
  • Individualism
  • Economy
  • Democracy
Or rather should I say:
  • MY toy is better
  • MY toy cost more
  • You can choose this toy or this one.
What has Christmas become? Has it improved? Bigger and Better?
Or is it just another excuse for us to show off and for large corporations to exploit us.
What will it be like when our children have children of their own?



Is there an end?

Saturday, 17 December 2011

Something is wrong

Lately something strange has been happening to me. And I mean, VERY strange. Abnormal really.

I don’t know how to really explain it but I’ll give it a go. Now you must know, im usually an emotional person but I go to great lengths to make sure that its hardly ever visable. I know why and wont delve into that right now, but anyone who knows my history can probably make an educated guess.

But lately I’ve been crying.

No not because of something sad, or even happy if im honest. I’ve been crying about Christmas.

Now I know how that sounds, so no im not insane or anything. Just I’ll be listening to a song or watching a film and then suddenly im brimming up with tears for no apparent reason.

And I NEVER cry.

As a child ... sure! I could cry like the best of them. I could produce crocodile tears at the drop of a pin and real ones even easier. Scarcely a day went by where I didn’t cry, and then my Nan died and I just got fed up with everything. Long story short I repressed emotions (for various other reasons too) and I never cry anymore.

To this day, thinking of my Nan is the ONLY thing that is guaranteed to make me shed a tear. But now, this!

I know its not serious or particularly interesting. Heck, I agree with that! But it IS intriguing.

Sure I love Christmas, a lot! I mean, like a lot a lot! But not enough to be that emotional about it. I mean, why this dramatic a change in so short a space of time?

Is it because im on my own completely private? it is because im away from my family? Is it an innate characteristic that is only JUST rearing it’s head?

Or is it just one of those random changes that affects us all?

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Hey Yall!

(Sorry couldnt resist)

Anyway, I have just completed my first semester (yes, they call them semesters now :/) in university and i have a LOT still left to talk about. However, I have no idea what to talk about so PLEASE!!!! comment below on what you want me to talk about ... as specific as possible? :P

Just a reminder that on friday i will be changing my URL and with that i will also be changing some of my content (to be written) but that will all be explained when the time comes.

Anyway, i was asked by Jay to include the essays i had to write for my modules in my course. So here they are (let me know if there are any problems) ...

[WARNING] These essays may bore you to extremes ... enjoy

Describe how you would prepare for and conduct an interview with a well-known personality, explaining the background theory to the approach you would take.

Media Studies is a ‘Mickey Mouse’ academic discipline. How would you counter this claim?

My favorite is by far the second! Higher word count, more interesting topic and i spent a LOT more time researching it haha. It is also coincidentally my favorite module so far and is also easier (as it is 'INTRODUCTION to Media Studies' and i have been doing Media for 4 years already haha) ... oh and before yall complain, it was compulsery :P

Um so yeah, this is basically what my first 3 months has been about and i just have one more exam left and i complete this semester. Next semester i have twice as many modules tho :/

Oh, also as i will be returning back to England on Sunday, you probably wont be hearing from me very much but i'll try to keep in touch. And i'll be back in the new year :)

As always, ttyl xx

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


Hey guys, so I thought its been a while since I had a nice good old fashioned rant, so get ready :P

Ok so I have been living in University accommodation for the last 3 months and am really enjoying it. I live with 6 other people in my flat, on the top floor and have met most of the people in our block. WE go out drinking together, watch some films as a group and are even planning to go out for a Christmas meal.

Life is good.

... for now ...

You see, although it may seem early, we have to plan for next years accommodation in this next month. We have to find a flat, make a deposit and the most important thing ... decide who we are going to share a house with.

Now me and most of my flat have been talking on and off about this subject for the last month, and quickly came to the assumption that the ‘boys’ of the flat would not be sharing with us as they get on better with other people. Not a problem. That left me, Bili, CC and Kay.

Now a bit of a back story: CC does not like Kay (for some unreasonable and pathetic reason) so she didn’t really want to share with her. But I presumed that she was like me, and didn’t mind who she shared a house with next year too much.

I found out recently that she and Bili had been offered placed in the ‘house’ of a group of people in her course. At this time it was just talk, and Bili didn’t want to leave Kay alone and without someone to share with so she was on the fence. I then find out that they have decided to go for it.

That left me and Kay. WRONG!

Kay has been invited to share with her friends. I am now all alone. I asked my friend form back home if I should share with her and whoever she is going with, but she doesn’t know if they will have the spare room or not ... great.

I have just asked my friend from my block if I can share with her, as I know she is sharing with most of the party animals from our block including a guy from my flat. So on the one hand, we are good friends and as there are so many we could easily split into two groups or just get a bigger house. Alternatively, as there are so many people, it will likely be a no.

I have one or two other people I can ask, but they are mainly people I know slightly or are in my class. I am really starting to panic now because everyone has picked their group and the people in my flat have royally fucked me over because they didn’t want to share in the end.

I am all alone and have no idea what to do. Sure, if I don’t have anyone to go with I can go back into housing next year and be placed with a load of strangers, but I don’t want to. I want to follow the norm and move into ‘houses’ with everyone else and preferably with at least someone I know decently well.

Im trying not to dwell on it too much because if I do I’ll start panicking and that wont turn out well. Its just I cant turn around to someone and be like PLEASE LET ME MOVE IN WITH YOU! YOUR MY LAST CHANCE!

Internally I’m just screaming constantly about this, but externally im trying to look calm. I hate that my flat all seem to get on better with other people and have a group that they are going to be living with, and the group that I want to do this with don’t.

I just feel like an outcast, who may not have a home next year ...

Sunday, 4 December 2011


Hey guys, just another quick post because i want your oppinions :)

I'm going to get my hair cut soon (well, christmas time lol) but i have a dilema ...

To cut my hair or to not cut my hair!!!

Well i could either leave my hair long and straighten it and everything, a kind of emo mysterious style,


i could cut it short like i used to and i get to gell it and play with it that i do miss but i dont know how well it suits me

So i have set up a poll for you to vote on. Poll closes on the 16 and PLEASE vote! i need to know which style suits me best (both will be black but i't should be more like black highlights if i cut short)



A Quick Catch-Up

Sorry Guys, i know i've been away a lot lol but i'll be back soon. So just a quick catch up ...

So my Love Life is um ...

(in that order lol)

courses are picking up nicely, exam (SINGULAR ... yay) in Jan and just got one more essay to do and then i'm done for the rest of the year!

Peter has been busy lately but he will be posting soon.

And in bigger news, i'll be changing my blog URL on the 16th!!! mainly because i have people checking up on me and keeping tabs etc which is uite off-putting and means i have to be a lot more ambigious with my posts (as im sure a LOT of you are realing and getting annoyed with haha).

So obviously i cant post my new URL here as well that defeats the object of it, and i have been told that i will be removed from your blogroll, so i will give the new URL to a select few people to post and just refollow me if you want :)

sorry for the inconveniance.

So in the words of Porky Pig ... "Thats all folks!"

... oh and only 6 ore days till my brthday! YAY lol

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


So my last post confused and intrigued many of you, resulting in a plethera of different responses and idea's as to what the post was about. But no one guessed the actual topic.

Some came close but didnt quite make the distance.

As of a week or so ago i had 5 people proclaiming thier undying love for me.

JOY! you may think but no! It was a living hell!

I have the innate ablility to make people fall in love with me. I dont mean this in a boastful or big headded way, but i mean its true. What's worse is that i dont feel the same way about them which jsut makes things awkward and uncomfortable.

I mean these are the people who claim their love for me as of a week ago:

The one whom I love but is also off sleeping with others
The one whom Loves me AND my ex
The one whom proclaimed their love for me after a day
The one whom i kissed (ok so he doesnt quite love me but likes me a lot)
The one whom i have been kinda seeing

Now i can live with this, these mysterious 5 people, but less than 24 hours later this list dropped down to 4.

Turns out that the guy whom i have been kinda seeing got drunk, proclaimed his love for me and didnt actually mean it. I mean, who says they love someone when they are drunk and dont correct it until they are about to break up with someone?!

Who does that!?

I wasnt hurt by his shit excuse that he has 'too much on his plate atm' and i wasnt that upset that he was thinking of breaking up with me ... whilst i was there! but to say you love someone when you dont mean it is just harsh!!!

I dont really know what else to say. This post would have been a LOT longer if my internet hadnt broken and made me wait a week before writing this but idk, just its a harsh thing for a prick to do.

I've decided i'm going to become a monk. At least they dont get fucked arround with.

Oh and he did it by text ...

But w/e ...

Saturday, 19 November 2011



Friday, 11 November 2011

My Love Life ...







... confused as I am?

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Uni Update


So I’m back from going home for the week. I had a great time!

I was surprised just how much I missed everyone and everything, but I was also surprised at just how quickly I settled into everything lol.

The train was a bitch tho! I left early on the wed and got two busses into town and then got to the station and I arrived at the next stop or ‘change’ early so I decided to get some breakfast. I made it back onto the platform just as my train was pulling out of the station, so I had to wait an hour for the next one! I didn’t get home until 6pm and was SO bored and hungry! Lol

Fortunately everyone was already at home and we had ordered Chinese in ... yum!

I then spent the next few days relaxing, cleaning, tidying and meeting up with friends. It was great to see them all out.

On Friday I went to a nightclub with my best friend (something I have missed out on and was so glad I came back the same week it was on lol) and had a great night meeting up with other friends I would have otherwise missed. I also got hit on by this guy and had a few drinks with him, he gave me his number too.

Then on Saturday it was my mums birthday so we went to the local pub for a few drinks and then we went on to town to have a boogie lol. It was really awkward tho because about half of the pub was literally trying to set me up with this other guy who then followed us to the club. But he wasn’t my type lol.

Then I came home yesterday and that was it. Once again the trains were a nightmare though. I almost missed my train leaving, then it broke down, then because of this I missed my next train and had to wait 30 mins for the next one and then THAT one was delayed so I had to wait a further hour for my next train. I didn’t get home until about 11 ... I was SO tired! Lol

But I made it into my lectures today on time and everything which was good. Glad I did too because I only have 2 weeks until I have to do a presentation in one of my classes and I only just met my project partners (there were complications before you all yell!)

There is a bit more to say and tell yall about but I’ll save that for later :P but in the meantime uni is great!

Oh and you know who you are ... please? xx

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Lovely Trains ...

Ok, so i would just like to retract my earlier blog post about how i HATE trains haha. You were right in that it wasnt the trains but rather the websites.

With a bit of know-how and a lot of help from Mark (thanks again) i managed to get an easier journey with less stops, later time of return (leave my house an hour later to arrive 15 mins later ... SCORE!) and all for about half the price it would have cost me if i were to buy it tomorow at the station!

So a BIG round of applause for Mark, for telling me to go through a particular station :)

There was still a bit of trouble where it gave me the same message as before that "your ticket is not available" but with a bit of fiddling i managed to fill the whole thing out for it to say "your ticket is not available" ... although i got a confirmation email saying i had paid for it ... so i will just have to wait and see.

Lovely Trains ...

Stupid Trains ...

This is just a quick post to demonstrate my strong distate for public transport ... ESPECIALLY trains!

Ok, thats a lie, i actually quite enjoy riding on trains, there is something about the idea of travelling somewhere far away on your own that sounds quite appealing to me, but not all the time!

Not only is a train journey from uni to my home town expensive and complicated (three different tickets and about a total of 4 stops) but im trying to do it online and in advance. Well i say advance (its tomorow lol), but now for whatever reason, its decided to not sell me the bloody ticket!

No explination or reason, just a suggestion to remove the return journey (which doesnt work!!!) ... GRRR

Stupid Trains ...

Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Story Part 3

So I finally got to return home. Battered and bruised, covered in holes and feeling terrible ... but alive

I took it easy for the next few days. I remember pulling up into my street in the mid afternoon, thinking “I hope no one realises I’m home yet”. The police had told me they had gone knocking on doors asking when people had last seen and talked to me ect, so I knew that there would be a lot of hype about me.

Good or bad, I didn’t know.

Luckily no once was outside nor came over. My friend and neighbour asked about me to my mum but I told her that I wasn’t ready for visitors and I would come over to see her soon.

We went out that night to blockbusters and rented a few DVD’s and stayed in as a family. We bonded and just relaxed together.

This was pretty much how the next week went for me. My mum had taken the week off work to be with me. I think she felt slightly offended by my actions and perhaps guilty, but she definitely wanted to keep an eye on me.

We cleaned her car, we went shopping, we stayed in and relaxed. She was nice and respected my decision when I asked to be left alone on Friday and Saturday. I had had so much ‘family time’ in the last week, it was a kind of too much to handle in one go, so I just wanted to be alone for a while.

I needed to process everything that had happened and that would happen from now on. And that’s what I did.

On Sunday (the day I returned home) two of my best friends came banging on my door late at night. They had seen my post and fb messages from people and had immediately rushed to my house to find out if I was ok but we were out getting some films to watch that night. Fearing the worst they then raced to the hospital to find out I had been discharged and were seriously contemplating breaking into my house to see if I was fine.

Fortunately, we were home by now and they were relieved I was alive but angry at me for what I had done.


Anyway, we stayed talking in the kitchen and catching up about everything for a lot of the night, before they left for food and I went to spend some time with my family.

It was really heart warming to find out that so many people cared about me to that extent, and were literally in tears when they saw I was alive and well.

I got placed on anti-depressants as soon as I was discharged and now that I am in uni I have had regular doctor’s appointments. They have recently doubled my dosage because it isn’t taking effect as fast as they would like. I have another appointment tomorrow, to see if they need to increase it again or start a new drug.


Oh and about that “battered and bruised” comment ... I don’t have a fear of needles, but they can do some serious damage to a person!

In my two days in hospital they took countless blood samples from different veins (apparently I have good veins to take blood from, but they collapse easily) as well as having to have 6 injections to take blood from my arteries.

Now if you don’t know what this entails, it is about a 5 inch long needle that they have to inject into your wrist and jiggle it about to find the artery, then they take a vile of blood and you are left with a mountain on your wrist. No exaggeration!

It is an extremely painful, slow and uncomfortable process, and just to show you how difficult it is ... they injected me 6 times ... and only got 2 blood samples!

This was the end result ...

All the best, and thank every one of you who has been there for me, i really do appreciate it x
Jack xx

Saturday, 29 October 2011

The Story Part 2

The aspirin was taking effect ...

I tried to ignore it. I tried to do anything to distract myself from what was happening to me. But sleep didn’t come, distractions failed, and all the while my pulse was creeping up.

I didn’t know what to do.

I began to think logically. I have had panic attacks before and they were not this bad, this was not my heart pumping because of nerves or excitement, this was drug induced.

So I thought quicker now, how could I get to a hospital without my family knowing what had happened. I mean, not only am I 18 so it is my medical information to give to whom I choose but also my family would probably just assume I was in bed or out for the day and I could be home before they worried too much.

The problem was getting there...

I could call an ambulance. They could take me directly there, treat me on the way and I would be there soon. But it’s hardly discrete and my sister was in the other room.

I could go to my friend’s house. He knew about my problems and I had helped him out previously with the same problem, just not quite as far down ‘that road’. He had recently learnt how to drive and could take me there and would support me, but I don’t know him that well and by now it was about 6am and he would be in bed.

That left my sister. We are really close and I know I could trust her with some stuff, but could I trust her with this? Could I trust her not to tell others about my most intimate problems?

Time was running out. I was panicking. I was scared ... I was frozen.

I decided that I had to act now and the best option would be to talk to Ariel. We were alone in the house and she could tell me if I was over reacting. I just had to suck it up and be honest with her.

I walked into her room, woke her up and sat on the other bed. I proceeded to tell her that I had done ‘something stupid’ and gave her a brief outline of what I had done and why. I don’t think she quite understood it but she knew what to do and got dressed.

We left. With only a minor scolding. I was am grateful for this, but there was an air of tension.

She took me to the walk in centre thinking that they would be able to treat me and it saved us a longer journey to Hospital, but when we got there, it was deserted.

Not a soul in sight. The only other person was someone who was raising the exit bar for cars to enter and leave. He told us that the walk in centre was only open from 9am on a Saturday, which we both thought was stupid as Friday night/Saturday morning would be the busiest time for accidents, but we kept quiet and left for the Hospital.

By now I was calmer and re-thinking this whole trip, but I knew that I still had a LOT of aspirin still in my system that had to be treated, so we powered on.

It was a relatively short journey; I told Ariel about why I have been feeling this way and for how long and she shared with me that she has felt that way before and she tried her best to empathise with me, which really helped me. It made us closer I think. I know that I can go to her about anything.

We pulled up and signed in. I hated how awkward it was, having to give the details and admit that it was not an accident, but I knew I had to do it. And I had to overcome my problem with doctors before the day was through.

We had a long wait before we could be seen, during which I was being sick frequently. It was a good sign but still uncomfortable and made time tick slower. Eventually we were seen by a nurse where I gave my details and she took my blood pressure and some samples to be tested.

Then more waiting.

About an hour later I was seen to get my heart rate measured. It had calmed down a lot more now, either due to the shock of telling my family, being in this situation or the sheer amount I had been sick whist here, I don’t know, but it was slower.

The marks on my arm were hard to hide from Ariel but she either didn’t notice them or she didn’t mention them which was a relief.

More waiting.

I then found out that the aspirin levels in my system were still quite high so I would have to be monitored for a while and I might have to be kept in for observation overnight.

Oh joy :/

They also gave me some anti-nausea medication which ironically made me feel like I was going to be sick constantly which I hated.

Whist we waited on a bed in another room, I talked to Ariel about how I didn’t want to tell mum and dad about what had happened. They didn’t have to know. She agreed but told me that she had to tell Ursula about all of this so she went outside for a drink and to move her car.

In the mean time a police officer came over to me and asked if I was Jack. I nodded. She told me that they had been told about my intentions and had come to my house and found my note (I had inadvertently left rather than thrown away). She told me that they were very worried about where I was but were glad they had found me as soon as they did.

She also told me that my parents had been told where I was and what had happened.

I died a little inside.

My parents, who had been so kind and caring to me, now found out I had this huge dark cloud following me around and there was no going back. Things would never be the same.

A short while later they came rushing in. A look of concern and worry on my dads face, and my mum crying.

I hated myself for having to put them through this...

We had a chat about everything and I retold my story to them and everything, with frequent pauses of awkward silences and hugs to reassure them I was ok.

About an hour later I was told that my bed was ready and that I would have to be kept in overnight and maybe longer, depending on if and how quickly my aspirin levels came down.

So I was escorted to my bed in the temporary ward which was fun.


I was literally the only one in there that was not over 50. But I didn’t mind, I had my family to keep me company and otherwise I just wanted to be left alone.

Of course I didn’t tell them this, and I was grateful to have them all with me, but I think they needed to be with me, more than I needed to be with them, so I stayed quiet.

I met the staff on the ward who were nice, and I met the lovely junior doctor (who reminded me a lot of my old Assistant Teacher which was strangely comforting) and had more blood samples taken.

My family went off to pick up my sister, get some food and so forth and came back to keep me company. Only leaving one at a time so I was never alone.  At this point I was quite tired but I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want my family to just be there crying silently as I was oblivious, and I didn’t completely trust myself to sleep with this amount of fatal drugs in my system.

Ariel later came back with a change of clothes and a book for me to read for when I got bored which was nice and refreshing. This was how I spent the remainder of my day.

I was later escorted to another ward that night as everyone else had been discharged and they were changing it to a woman’s ward (slightly sexist I thought but oh well).

There were a few younger people but they were all still pretty old. I spent the remainder of the night reading on my own until it got quite late and I felt guilty for having my light on when others were trying to sleep so I settled in for a restless night.

But I was by far the best patient in the ward I think haha. One guy kept yelling, I couldn’t tell why but the nurses didn’t react so it couldn’t have been important. The guy next to me had his heart monitor on all night and I couldn’t help but think “this sounds like a super Mario game soundtrack” ... it really did!

I woke up the next day and took my pills, talked to the psychiatrist ... finally! They have this weird rule about they have to make sure that I am medically well before I can talk to the physiatrist before they can discharge me. But oh well.

She was a nice lady who just got as many details of my story as could give ... which is why I am posting this here. So I never have to repeat this story again.

Eventually I was told I was allowed to leave, but there was a major accident so all of the doctors were too busy to finish my discharge letter. So about an hour after being told I could be discharged and we were literally just waiting for the letter, we were told we could leave and they would post the letter to us.

They were really quite friendly and apologetic about everything but it was a tad frustrating because the discharge letter was literally just everything we had been told already.

So I finally got to return home. Battered and bruised, covered in holes and feeling terrible ... but alive

Saturday, 15 October 2011

One Year On ...

Hes not some guy!!!

The Lamp-post


Saturday, 17 September 2011

The Story Part 1

Hey guys, sorry i havn't been blogging much but i've just had a lot to sort out lately x

So here is what happened that night and i hope that this is one of the last times i have to tell it, because even now it still haunts me. It follows me around like a dark black cloud that i cant quite shake off. I can only ignore it and pretend that its not there.

So for a long time i had been in a downward spiral, everything seemed so hopeless and lost to me. i had no future and nothing to look forward to, so what was i doing?!


I felt like i had no qualitty of life and nothing to live for. So i decided that enough was enough and that the end was near. I took my future into m own hands.

I picked a date and stocked up on Asprin tablets and decided when and where i was going to do it. That was what brought on my reflective period. I guess i wanted my story out there before it was lost to the winds.

I was ready to do it for quite a long time, i was actually just waiting for my sister to go to bed so that i could leave and begin, and as is always the case, i procrastinated and was late leaving.

I walked over to the local field as i had a lot of happy memories there and sat down by one of my favorite trees and opened the pills so that i could take them quicker and easier. I then took some and began the slow decent into the obituary.

I walked over to the local lake and take more and more and more until i litterally couldnt take a single one, without being sick. And that would have been counterproductive so i forced myself to stop. I then sat there for a while just staring out over the calm water and the flickering stars as the odd person walked past.

I couldnt help but think "what if they found out that someone had killed themselves the night they walked past, and if they would realise they were the last people to see me" but it was soon forogtten.

A short while later i walked over to my second location, a little platform overlooking the lake. I wanted the last thing i saw to be this beautiful scene before me, like a state of euphoria might emerge from it. I liked the poetry and idealism i got from it.

Silly i know.

So i lay down and listened to my ipod to distract me from how ill i was feeling and waited for death to come, with open arms.

I waited.

Two hours later i woke up and found that my suicide attempt had failed, and i assumed it was later than it actually was, because it was now light out. I was wrong.

Walking home i grew increasingly ill and felt terrible. I mean, TERRIBLE! I could barely make it a few feet infront of me before i would stop and almost be sick.

But that was the problem ... almost.

I came to the crossroads. I could either go home and i was certain that the Asprin in my system would be fatal, and my family would find me the next day. Or later. Or, i could force myself to be sick and hope that the Asprin had not been absorbed into my system.

I paniced and started worrying and decided that enough was enough. I would be sick and then take it from there. If i attempted it again then i would learn from my mistakes.

But when i was sick, hardly anything came out and it was then that i paniced! Too much was in my system already.

Too much.

I went home and thought that it had all come to an end and that i had finaly got what i had always wanted ... death.

About an hour passed, where i walked home, got a drink, was sick again and tried to calm down. But i couldnt. My heart was pounding and pounding ... far to abnormal for just nurves.

The asprin was taking effect

Wednesday, 31 August 2011


Hey guys, i know i said i would post soon but that might be delayed for a little while as my laptop charger has just broken which means until it gets fixed, there will be basically zero blgging.

Sorry for the inconveniance, jsut thought i'd warn you that i wont be arround x

Monday, 29 August 2011

Return to the Land of Blogging

Hey Guys,

So um, as promised i have returned to the land of blogging. On schedule too ... if i'm not mistaken (which is a rarity of me)

Ths is just going to be a short post saying hat i am well and everything because i have some big posts planned for the next few days explaining all.

But in the mean time i jsut wanted to appolagise for what happened. I am sorry that i did it and that i had to put you all through it, it was selfish of me and wrong, so i'm truely sorry.

I also want to extend a massive thank you to Peter and Brad, who have been my connection with all of you guys. They not only updated my blog but they updated (or created) their own, about my condition and everything, so thank you and please give a round of applause to them, they deserve it...

[holds for applause]

and if you havn't already, please pop on over to their blogs:

So um, i think thats it. Sorry and thank you (again) and talk soon xx

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

getting better?

16:05] Peter: bitch whats up[16:06] Jack: not much ho[16:06] Jack: you?[16:06] Peter: bored[16:06] Peter: bitch

yeah he is def! feeling better lol Love<~Peter~>

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Lost and lonely

If you want to get more updates on Jack and his condontion please check out Lost and Lonely at   and thank you for all the emails Jack is still doing good but his his new meds are making him a little sick     Love<~Peter~>

Catty friece

Today though Jacks arm is bruised from the needles at the hosp he is doing a lot better. He is still resting but he did get online with me and also got on webcam looking fine as hell as ever. He even went to the movies with his sisters. He is trying to figure out some things before returning to blogging like him giving his mom his blog url on that night and if he wants to return to blogging start a new blog or what? I have advised him to stay here since he could not tell followers where to go and that his readers are here. But I assure you between the webcam session and the group chat with me and brad.  Who I had a phone convo with last night where we were very james saint james and micheal. Lol... We are ery alike and though we sometimes have our claws out we actaully enjoy each other company very much is delightful to have someone to talk to about this that knows jack and other things without him being in my circle and telling everyone.

But Jack of course thanks everyone for their comment and sends his love. He is always checking his email so if you wish to send him e cards to get well soon please do. And he understand no one thinks less of him over this and everything like that he just needs time to find himself.   Hang in there while he does.   Love<~Peter~>

Sunday, 21 August 2011


Hey guys this is Peter taking over for a while yes I have permission from Jack to do this. Even though I could have just done this yesterday when my permissions wouldnt work on commenting hmm Jack I wonder why. But Jack has had a long day and will not be posting for a little while he has some things to work out and right now is reovering he is now in contact with me through texts. Thought I will not say what happened I will say it was failed and that he is now home resting. Please stop any needing medical or professnile help comments as Jack has a fear of doctors and/or counsulars and I really do not need these sorts of comments to upset him when he comes back which is why they have been removed from the blog and and the parts not protianing to them repost as a comment from under this blog post.

too jack I love you and I always will I wish you did not do this but I am glad it failed and we have a lot to talk about....

Thanks guys for all the help and things of that sort now it is time for Jack to start over and figure things out and I am sure when he is up for it agian he will be back to blogging as always Love<~Peter~>

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Final Farewell

Hi guys,

So um, i dont really know what or how i should say any of this, so please stick with me and just remember, that um ... well, i'm sorry.

I have been unhappy for a very long time. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and well, sometimes most of the time i feel like the safetybar's havn't desended. I'm just left clinging on for the hopes that i will survive. And up until now i have managed to hold on with all my strength.

But my strength is failing me.

I would love to sit here and say how the world is a terrible place and all that, but well, its not. But the truth is, i'm just so cold that i dont want to go on feeling like this. I cant stand this empty feeling that i'm having.

I've fallen beyond your reach, too deep for anyone to help me out.

Breathing has become such a task for me. Every day is a struggle. A fight that i'm loosing.

I hate the cleche "when you read this it'll be too late" ... but well, its true none the less.

Life is nothing more than torture and pain for me. I dont live, i just ... exist. And i dont want this any more. I have fought this battle for so long, and i'm tired. The only reason why i have lasted this far, is because i was too afraid as to what it would do to everyone else. I could withstand the pain in my heart if it meant that others wouldn't have to feel it. But not any more.

So here it is. The end of my journey. And it just wouldnt be a 'Jack' post if i didnt leave you with a few songs that express how i feel. But dont be sad for me, for how it all ended, know that this last month, since i decided that i was going to kill myself, has been the happiest i have been in a long time. It have me hope and lifted me beyong what i ever thought was possible.

So the wounds can heal and the scars can fade, but i hope the memory will always be there.

You have all been there for me, these last 10 months, riding along with me on this rollercoaster that i call life, and you have all changed my life so much. I wouldnt be the person i am today without you, and i honestly cant think how terrible my life would have been if you wernt all there with me.

You gave me strength, courage and love when i needed i most. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to help me up from the pits i put myself in. You were more than friends to me, you were family. And i am truely sorry to put you all through this. You dont deserve this.

I'm sorry.

And i just want to single out a few people ...

You were there for me in ways that no one else will really understand. You gave me support when i needed it and encouragement. You made sure i was safe and content, so i thank you. You asked me if i was planning anything, and although i didnt lie to you, i did misdirect you so i'm sorry. But the truth is, i am happy and i am glad i am finally free of this torment.

You were the ony one who was overly concerned about my intentions. You figured it out when i didnt expect anyone to, and whats more, you went above and beyond trying to save me. Your post about me shocked me and at first i wanted you to take it down incase it worked, but i soon calmed down and decided otherwise. So thank you for caring about me so much, it really was a touching sentiment.

Although we have rarely seen eye to eye, and some of your comments rub me up the wrong way, you were always there trying to lend support. And what i didnt realise was that your comments were not really for me, they were for every one else. For those who may come accross my blog with the same problems but different circumstances, and you tried to be the voice of reason. I'm sorry i didnt notice this before, and please, dont ever stop.

You have been there from nearly the very first post. You were one of my first followers and your still with me today. But you have always tried to reach out and talk to me. You were not just follower, you were inspirer to some of my posts and friend to me. You have experienced this rollercoaster yourself and i am glad i had you with me on mine. I am terribily sorry for your father, and how brave you have been through this whole process, and i am even more sorry for having to do this to you as well, but i just have to. Its the only way out and i want it all to end. I'm sorry and hate that i have to do this to you, especially.

You dont comment on my blog like most people, and well, i dont even know if you'll see this but i have to say goodbye properly to you. You tracked me down on MSN about 3 weeks ago and talked every day since. I didnt really talk about my problems to you but you provided relief in other ways. You enabled me to escape from my life and be who i wanted to be. You gave me the life i dreamed of but could never have, so thank you

And peter ... you know i will always love you. Even though we are no longer dating, you are still my baby. You always will be. I am truely sorry for the way i said goodbye to you, i knew it would hurt you badly, but i also needed you to know it was the end. I hated having to hurt you and i'm sorry. I know you will probably be the most upset at my passing, but you are not alone. There are those out there who are waiting for you and for your love. You have so much to give, put mine to good use x

Goodbye baby, i love you and always will ...

Friday, 19 August 2011


Destructive things always have to leave sometime or another ...

Drunken Drama

So Ariel and Ursula have just got in a massive argument.

I came back from spending some quality time with a close friend, and came home to well ... this.

I missed the beginning of the argument and i wont repeat what it was about ... but long story short Ursula was calling Ariel a bitch and a slag and all that, to which Ariel retaliated with simmilar comments and stormed off.

To later storm back in and try to have the final word.

To which Ursula made another snide comment in return.

To which Ariel retaliated and walked off.

Ariel was incredibly upset about the whole thing. I went upstairs after to make sure that she was ok. She told me that she used to idolise Ursula and "how could she be such a bitch?!". I know exactly what she means, she is right but at the same time, she is also wrong.

Ursula is and she isnt a bitch. I have grown up getting shit from her and making me feel worthless, but at the same time, she does have those times where she is incredibly nice and thoughtful and selfless.

Ursula gets like this from time to time and she has the ability to brush it off easily, so she wasnt as affected by the argument as Ariel was ... externally. But sometimes i do wonder about how much she hides from the world.

They have been drinking and sometimes i just want to slap them and make them listen, because they dont hate each other! They really dont, they have jsut had too much to drink and have a lot of pent up frustrations that all come tumbling out one by one at the drop of a pin.

I mean, i KNOW Ursula loves Ariel. Even after the argument, she went after Ariel to make sure she was safe. She even took the house phone incase Ariel tried to call her (obviously it wouldnt work, but hey! its the thought that counts). She then came up and asked me to try and call Ariel's mobile because she lost it, but she didnt want to upset her further ... hence me doing it.

I KNOW they love each other, and i think Ariel put it quite nicely. "We all try to be perfect ... but we all fail". Yes that is true, but it is that trying that makes us good people.

If this world were void of love and kindness, then it would be hell. I know that they love each other, at least as much as i love them but sometimes it is so hard to see it through all the shit.

Pretty soon i wont be here to help sort things out, and i know they dont need me to but sometimes they just need the voice of reason in their heads. Sisters fight ... but they still love each other.

It is just them getting caught up in the moment and things getting out of control. They let things slip out that they dont mean, or that that they dont mean in that way, causing a massive argument and hurt feelings, when it could have been resolved if they had just calmed down and talked about it.

I love my sisters, no matter what and no matter where i am, i just hope that they will emember that and remember that they love each other as well...

You Drive me Crazy Half the Time

So this is a post that i promised i would write for my friend Brad.

I met him about a month and a half ago, and we have talked on and off since then.

But he is usualy there for me when i need him and want him to be ... usually lol.

So as promised, this post is about how i feel about him. So here goes...

When i first met him i thought we seemed really nice and kind, and cute. I will be honest in that i had a crush on him and i couldnt wait for him to come online.

But i have this thing where i get a crush on someone and it is only temporary. My mind seems to find it difficult to establish the difference between friendship, love, lust etc, which results in me having a crush for a while, giving me time to figure out what i feel towards that person.

And Brad is no different.

As time moved on, i grew to see him more and more as a friend. This has its roots in several different areas.

Firstly, there is Peter. He broke my heart and he allowed me to see how difficult it is to have a relationship with someone in another country ... especially America. Sure it was perfect at the start, but it was a constant fight. It was months of sleepless nights and early rises so that we could see each other. Even once we found ways to communicate online, and even face-to-face, we were still never really face to face. And that takes it tole on a relationship. And i promised myself that i would never do it again.

I know ... what if ...

But thats just it ... what IF!

Then there was the fact that i was getting more involved with Emo Guy at the time. And although Brad has a much more desirable personality, Emo was close to me physically and he was someone who i could touch and hold. We could meet up and spend days on end together, whereas with Brad it would be a few hours every now and then ... whenever we were both online ... a coincidence.

And then there is the fact that i knew i would be moving away very soon and that it would be crazy for a while.

But then after me and Emo ended, although i was free again, i decided that love was too much hastle and pain for me and that i didnt want it. I decided that even if i REALLY wanted to love someone, i wouldnt let myself and put mself through all of that pain again. I was better off without it and being loveless for the rest of my life. Not neccissarily cold and distant, but just cold enough at the core to make sure that no amound of thawing could melt me.

I had given up on love because it had give up on me far to many times.

So these things gathered together and once my crush ended, like i suspected it would, i was left with a good friend, without all of the complicated 'love' or 'relationship' stuff.

Sure, maybe in another time or place, something might have happened, and a part of me wants that to be the case, but wanting isnt enough. I may WANT it to happen, but that doesnt mean it SHOULD. I cant open myself up to anyone for a long Long LOng LONg LONG time and i'm afraid thats is how it is meant to be.

Now i am truely sorry for the way that this has been worded, because it sounds cold and heartless, and i dont mean it to come across that way, its just i dont want it to be missunderstood by anyone (cough, Wayne, cough lol).

Brad is, and always will be, my friend, which means a lot more to me than an IF or a PERHAPS. He means a lot to me as it is and i wouldnt want to change that because of who and what i am.

He said to me earlier that "you drive me crazy half the time" ... well you do too lol.

And i wouldnt have it any other way ...

Thursday, 18 August 2011

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminologicial Inexactitude

So a long long LONG time ago, i mentioned rumours and how they have affected me. This was way back before i came out and was the main reason why i didnt come out straight away (no pun intended). I promised that i would write about them and so i pushed it aside ... out of sight out of mind, so here is that fated post


I've had rumours about me since i was a kid, everyone does. Its only natural and a part of growing up.

You get used to them, and usually you arn't even aware of your behaviour changing towards others, because of the rumours about them. But you do. Inevitably, you do...

So the time came and i moved into secondary school and you kind of get over rumours.

Or at least thats what i thought. apparently, you dont.

In those 5 years of my life, i was in a living hell. So many rumours spread around about me i didnt knowwhich ones were more rediculous. But that wasnt the problem, the problem was the way i was being treated because of them. I HATED not knowing who started them as well, but in some cases, i even debated if they were true or not.

Now, these rumours varied imensly. Some were simple little ones about who i liked and if i was dating anyone. Like, i remember being on a school trip to Switzerland, where i was friendly towards Dana, and she had a crush on me ... so of course everyone then started to say that i liked her and that we were actually dating.

A little white lie that wasn't too bad, i just had to talk to Dana about it and reafirm my lack of feelings towards her, and it would die down eventually.

It did, fortunately.

Others were more hurtful to me. I remember that on another school trip tp Paris, i had a huge crush on one girl. I mean HUGE! I spent every moment trying to talk to her and she talked back, everything was going well and i thought that she may even become my girlfriend (she did ... eventually).

So we were off to a flying start, and got on incredibly well, when on the trip there i think it was, i fell asleep. Next thing i know, she will barely talk to me, wont look at me and spend the rest of the trip with another guy. I had no idea what had happened! No idea at all!

I spent the rest of the trip being humiluated and practically ignored by everyone, as they all laughed behind my back. I hated it and what was worse, i had no idea what i had done.

It was only after the trip had ended that i found out what had happened. APPARENTLY, when i had stood up and stretched after falling asleep, i had 'exposed' myself to her, but i had absoloutely zero recolection of this and no real understanding as to how it could have happened without me realising and everything.

Regardless of if it was true or not, i will never know, but the damage was done. She had spread it around like wildfire and my trip, my reputaion and my happiness were dashed. She even threatened to put it in the yearbook, for not only our whole year to read, but for our whole year to read .... forever ... imortalised in a book.

But one of the worst rumours i had during my living hell that was school, was the one about my sexuality.

This one was not direct where people ignored me or anything, nor was it one where i could jsut talk to the person affected and assure them it wasnt true. No, this one was far worse than all put together, for this one was sneaky, secretive and unconfrontational.

It had my best friends in the whole world wondering if it were true, wondering about everything they ever knew about me, but no one confronted me about it. No one asked me if it were true. No one gave me a chance to defend myself. No one even told me for quite a while, it took me forever to even hear this rumour!

I felt so alone, so isolated from everyone. I had very few friends as it was, and now i had people questioning who i was, behind my back. Not caring enough to confront me about it or to stick up for me.

And boy, did my Terminological Inexactitude Accelerate with Velocity ...


Media                      A
English                     B
Sociology                C
Maths                      D

Run Away

So this is the end of my whole, self-reflecting story-segment that i've been doing lately lol.

When i was a kid, i felt overlooked and unappreciated, i couldnt help it, and it just wanted to run away. Get as far away from here as i could. The more distance, i would tell myself. If i was gone, they would have to miss me and maybe, jsut maybe, they would want me back.

I ran away a total of 17 times.

Each time was different. It began at a VERY young age. I dont remember how old, but it was at the time where i was too afraid to actually run away incase something dangerous happened to me. So i would write a note saying i'm running away and i never want to see them again, and would hide in my little wardrobe.

Sounds cute i know, but i was deadly serious. I was intrigued to see how they would react and if they actually cared for me at all.

The first time they had a brief search before they found my hiding. From then on, they wouldnt even search. I left hurtful notes about how i "hated Ariel" for this that and the other, which apparently only made my running away attempts all the moe cuter ... enough so that they kept these notes, but not enough for them to look for me.

As i grew older, i branched out. I decided to venture out into the great wide world rather than hide in my crampt wardrobe. Still not a word from y family. It was like i had never even left! So i decided up to the antics.

... perhaps they didnt see my note?! i would think, so i would put it in increasingly more obvious spaces. And more obvious. And more obvious...

At one point i even put up an Umbrella in the hallway blocking the stairs completely, and attached my note to it. I later found out Ariel had taken down the Umbrella and hadnt even seen the note ... or cared...

So it got the the stage where i would be gone for hours on end and no one would even notice i was gone. So i wrote another note and this time i hid on the shed. It sounds sad, but i HAD to know what they said when i wasnt there, or if they even noticed i was gone.

Turns out that they all thought i was upstairs in my room for several hours. This actually really upset me. I mean, how could my own family not realise that i have been missing all day?! Even WITH a note?

Did they just not care?

But you see, the reason why i was even more upset was because my sister Ursula had ran away from home once before and it was completely different.

I cant remember why she ran away, or if she did even run away, but the point is, she was missing for one night and my parents did everything possible to find her! They sent out a search party and spent practically all night looking! I remember a helicopter but that may have just been coincidence.

My family cared more about my sister leaving than they did about me.

Nowdays i could be gone for days on end before they even realised i was missing. FACT