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Friday, 19 August 2011

You Drive me Crazy Half the Time

So this is a post that i promised i would write for my friend Brad.

I met him about a month and a half ago, and we have talked on and off since then.

But he is usualy there for me when i need him and want him to be ... usually lol.

So as promised, this post is about how i feel about him. So here goes...

When i first met him i thought we seemed really nice and kind, and cute. I will be honest in that i had a crush on him and i couldnt wait for him to come online.

But i have this thing where i get a crush on someone and it is only temporary. My mind seems to find it difficult to establish the difference between friendship, love, lust etc, which results in me having a crush for a while, giving me time to figure out what i feel towards that person.

And Brad is no different.

As time moved on, i grew to see him more and more as a friend. This has its roots in several different areas.

Firstly, there is Peter. He broke my heart and he allowed me to see how difficult it is to have a relationship with someone in another country ... especially America. Sure it was perfect at the start, but it was a constant fight. It was months of sleepless nights and early rises so that we could see each other. Even once we found ways to communicate online, and even face-to-face, we were still never really face to face. And that takes it tole on a relationship. And i promised myself that i would never do it again.

I know ... what if ...

But thats just it ... what IF!

Then there was the fact that i was getting more involved with Emo Guy at the time. And although Brad has a much more desirable personality, Emo was close to me physically and he was someone who i could touch and hold. We could meet up and spend days on end together, whereas with Brad it would be a few hours every now and then ... whenever we were both online ... a coincidence.

And then there is the fact that i knew i would be moving away very soon and that it would be crazy for a while.

But then after me and Emo ended, although i was free again, i decided that love was too much hastle and pain for me and that i didnt want it. I decided that even if i REALLY wanted to love someone, i wouldnt let myself and put mself through all of that pain again. I was better off without it and being loveless for the rest of my life. Not neccissarily cold and distant, but just cold enough at the core to make sure that no amound of thawing could melt me.

I had given up on love because it had give up on me far to many times.

So these things gathered together and once my crush ended, like i suspected it would, i was left with a good friend, without all of the complicated 'love' or 'relationship' stuff.

Sure, maybe in another time or place, something might have happened, and a part of me wants that to be the case, but wanting isnt enough. I may WANT it to happen, but that doesnt mean it SHOULD. I cant open myself up to anyone for a long Long LOng LONg LONG time and i'm afraid thats is how it is meant to be.

Now i am truely sorry for the way that this has been worded, because it sounds cold and heartless, and i dont mean it to come across that way, its just i dont want it to be missunderstood by anyone (cough, Wayne, cough lol).

Brad is, and always will be, my friend, which means a lot more to me than an IF or a PERHAPS. He means a lot to me as it is and i wouldnt want to change that because of who and what i am.

He said to me earlier that "you drive me crazy half the time" ... well you do too lol.

And i wouldnt have it any other way ...

5 comments:

Jay M. said...

Love is such a crazy concept. I'm never sure if I'm in love, lust, whatever...but it seems that a lot of the time (most of the time), I'm left alone, especially if there was any ambivalence at the start of the relationship.

As you mature, your senses towards relationships will mature. Your ability to figure it out will grow, too. And that special someone will come along and sweep you off your feet, of that I'm sure!

Try to be patient, and go with the flow. Your day, and your special someone will come.

Peace <3
Jay

naturgesetz said...

We all use words differently, and I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "love" and "friend." But I'll say that I think it's a very good thing to have friends. It's good to have close friends. And if you can do that without bringing love in the sense of sex into the picture, it can make it easier for the friendship to develop.

So I think you are doing okay at this point as far as relationships go.

I also think that love isn't something we can force; it is something that develops. But we can stifle it if we don't want it.

Micky said...

Love is - what?

I'm in love with Pete coz I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. I don't want anyone else - well, not unless we both want to play just an hour or two . . . But love is wanting to have to hold for now and for as long as is possibly conceivable.

I think if and when you find one of the people in the world with whom you fall in love and they do more or less that back - then you'll know sure enough.

It doesn't do to say that you won't and don't want to - or course you can and probably you really want to - fall in love!

Wayne said...

The problem with falling in love at a young age these days is that we are such a mobile society. People are always moving, or going away for education or a job etc. That is why most people settle down with a partner in their mid-twenties when they have steady employment. If you can just fall in love with someone who is going to the same school, and work in the same city as you some day then you will have it made. Don't be too picky about prospective partners cos all the good ones are snapped up by age 30; ask the older women lol. And you are not cold and heartless; I've been there enough times to know what you are talking about. The more you talk about your situation then the more I think you should be looking forward to university. - Wayne :)(cough, cough lol!)

Bradhunter93 said...

Jack i miss u and hope to see u soon. i hope now u will think more about everything and u know i am always here for u. no matter what happens u.

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