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Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Piece of Shit

So i'm feeling pretty ... well, shit.

Yesterday my sister Ariel had a major bitch at me because i did "nothing" and therefore she "has to do it all when [she] gets home . Despite being ill and working all day".

I know i didnt do many chores that day and well i could spout out some line about how i was waiting for Ursula to do something, so i let the mess gather up a bit, but well ... the truth is, me being the worthless piece of shit i am, cant do anything right.

I can't even clean!

I know what my sister says to me is right, and it just makes me feel ashamed because its true. I just sit there and take the verbal abuse from everyone because i know that they are right. There is no point arguing the case further, or trying to explain my side because there is no point. I would just be denying the truth.

It reminds me of my childhood where Ursula used to yell and shout at me. She used to tell me how "stupid" or "pathetic" i was, and how i was "so gay!" and "fat and ugly".

Back then i had some self-worth and i was able to shrug it off for a while but eventually you start to listen. And i mean, truely listen, to what they say, and it hits you.

What they are saying is true.

Yes, shouting and yelling it does make it harder to listen and believe, but they are being honest with you. And its up to you to open your eyes and prick up your ears.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night (and day) because of the things she used to say to me. At first it was because of the things she would tell me, then it was because i knew it was true. Then because i knew i was worthless and finally because i knew things would be better if i just wasnt there.



Well, 17 more days and i wont be here anymore

6 comments:

naturgesetz said...

We all could do better than we do. And it's bad enough when we realize it ourselves. But when somebody else puts it in our face, that really makes us feel miserable. So they way you feel is not unusual.

But it doesn't mean you're truly worthless. All it means is you could be better. You know that you have goodness in you. You are inherently lovable. So hang in there for the next seventeen days. Maybe even surprise them by doing a bit more than they expect. ;)

Micky said...

of course in 17 days you'll be gone - and won't they just miss you then?

Jay M. said...

Wow, Jack. I can't tell you how wrong they are. And their attitude towards you is shit, no matter what you say. This is nothing less than psychological abuse, and they should be flogged for subjecting you to this for all this time.

But 17 days! Hang in there, buddy, 17 days! Get your stuff packed, you're headed to UNI!!!!

Peace <3
Jay

Wayne said...

Um, sounds like your sisters have legitimate complaints if you are procrastinating and not helping out around the house. But personally dissing you is crossing the line. Maybe your sisters love you more than you know but don't realize how sensitive you are about put-downs. Most of us as older adults can look back with some guilt and shame at things we did and said in our youth, and with regret. It takes some brains to make it to university and you can be proud. Focus on your education and don't let personal drama derail you, cos they are temporary situations. - Wayne (hugs)

Jay M. said...

@Wayne,
I just couldn't let this go...

Maybe you don't know Jack as well as I do, but he is THE house cleaner. If he slacks a bit, so what. He took it on himself, gets little or no help, and criticism from his sisters (and dad) if it's not up to their standard. He deserves a year or more "off" from all the work he does (including decorating the house for Christmas every year, then this year being told "I was going to do it differently" by his dad). Make sure you know what you're commenting on before you dis Jack and his efforts around the house.

Peace <3
Jay

A Wandering Pom said...

Jack

You are NOT worthless - even if you might not believe it at the moment. You are diligent and effective in your work, and, as far as I can see, an intelligent and compassionate person.

*hugs*

Mark

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