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Thursday, 18 August 2011

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminologicial Inexactitude

So a long long LONG time ago, i mentioned rumours and how they have affected me. This was way back before i came out and was the main reason why i didnt come out straight away (no pun intended). I promised that i would write about them and so i pushed it aside ... out of sight out of mind, so here is that fated post


I've had rumours about me since i was a kid, everyone does. Its only natural and a part of growing up.

You get used to them, and usually you arn't even aware of your behaviour changing towards others, because of the rumours about them. But you do. Inevitably, you do...

So the time came and i moved into secondary school and you kind of get over rumours.

Or at least thats what i thought. apparently, you dont.

In those 5 years of my life, i was in a living hell. So many rumours spread around about me i didnt knowwhich ones were more rediculous. But that wasnt the problem, the problem was the way i was being treated because of them. I HATED not knowing who started them as well, but in some cases, i even debated if they were true or not.

Now, these rumours varied imensly. Some were simple little ones about who i liked and if i was dating anyone. Like, i remember being on a school trip to Switzerland, where i was friendly towards Dana, and she had a crush on me ... so of course everyone then started to say that i liked her and that we were actually dating.

A little white lie that wasn't too bad, i just had to talk to Dana about it and reafirm my lack of feelings towards her, and it would die down eventually.

It did, fortunately.

Others were more hurtful to me. I remember that on another school trip tp Paris, i had a huge crush on one girl. I mean HUGE! I spent every moment trying to talk to her and she talked back, everything was going well and i thought that she may even become my girlfriend (she did ... eventually).

So we were off to a flying start, and got on incredibly well, when on the trip there i think it was, i fell asleep. Next thing i know, she will barely talk to me, wont look at me and spend the rest of the trip with another guy. I had no idea what had happened! No idea at all!

I spent the rest of the trip being humiluated and practically ignored by everyone, as they all laughed behind my back. I hated it and what was worse, i had no idea what i had done.

It was only after the trip had ended that i found out what had happened. APPARENTLY, when i had stood up and stretched after falling asleep, i had 'exposed' myself to her, but i had absoloutely zero recolection of this and no real understanding as to how it could have happened without me realising and everything.

Regardless of if it was true or not, i will never know, but the damage was done. She had spread it around like wildfire and my trip, my reputaion and my happiness were dashed. She even threatened to put it in the yearbook, for not only our whole year to read, but for our whole year to read .... forever ... imortalised in a book.

But one of the worst rumours i had during my living hell that was school, was the one about my sexuality.

This one was not direct where people ignored me or anything, nor was it one where i could jsut talk to the person affected and assure them it wasnt true. No, this one was far worse than all put together, for this one was sneaky, secretive and unconfrontational.

It had my best friends in the whole world wondering if it were true, wondering about everything they ever knew about me, but no one confronted me about it. No one asked me if it were true. No one gave me a chance to defend myself. No one even told me for quite a while, it took me forever to even hear this rumour!

I felt so alone, so isolated from everyone. I had very few friends as it was, and now i had people questioning who i was, behind my back. Not caring enough to confront me about it or to stick up for me.

And boy, did my Terminological Inexactitude Accelerate with Velocity ...


Wayne said...

Let's face it Jack; most people at that age are immature jerks. They constantly try to bolster their self-esteem by putting down others. Many adults today look back on their nasty behavior as young teens with shame and regret. As for the 'gay' rumours you will get a little schadenfreude when you see the straight couples in divorce court complete with child support and alimony, and married guys who cannot go out the front door of their home without permission. Time has a way of turning the tables and that is why I tell you to look to the future and prepare for it. You might be surprised. - Wayne :)

Anonymous said...

I put up with much the same thing for a long time - until I was in uni, then either I stopped hearing the rumours or I stopped caring if I did, or they stopped altogether since we were all so very tolerant of each other and everyone else's lifestyle choices (and non-choices as the case was with some of us).

You're off on a grand new adventure in a few weeks, and I think you'll find that that sort of thing isn't as important at uni as it was earlier in your life.

It's a shame we had to deal with crap like that at all. I refuse to be a just angers me when I hear them, too, and I try to squelch them whenever possible.

Peace <3

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