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Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Foam for me, foam for you

So it was my friends' 18th Birthday the other night, so we went clubing. It was a really good night to be honest ... lots of drinking, lots of partying, lots of dancing and lots of foam


Yeah haha, it was a 'foam party' at the club (main reason why we went there) and it was a lot of fun.

SO many cute guys there but they were all straight, whats more they all took their shirts off because of the foam! I did have one guy try to drag me over to dance in the foam but i was on my way outside to see my injured friend and he wasnt my type anyway.

And i must admit after a few drinks (called Paintcans, that are served in actual Paint-Cans!) i did take my shirt off too haha.

But see, i will also admit that i like to dance but i know i am shit ... with a capital S.

I know i cant dance and when i am with a group of friends (and a drink) then i really dont care. I just let loose and have a laugh.

But every so often i have these ... moments that change me drastically. I dont know why or how exactly, just that someone will say something and i will think 'OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! I can't believe i've been doing this all along, i actually cant believe it' and so forth, and from then on, i'll change my thinking about that event/topic.

One of these was with Emo Guy about a month or so ago. We went to London Pride with some of his friends and he was in a mood all day and in the evening i confronted him about it and he told me that "you made i awkward by dancing, it would have been better if you had just stood there all day, everyone felt bad. We even tried to show you some moved buy you jsut didnt try" ... and on he went and this is just ONE topic from that night.

So since then, as per usual, i will catch myself doing something and i'll think NO! STOP IT!

I hate people talking behind my back, which makes me really cautious of what i'm doing to make them think that i am weird. I know, i shouldnt care and all that but i cant help it.

Its just a confrontation between what i think i am and what i actually am.

So i mean, on the dance floor i kept saying to myself that i should stop dancing because i cant and people know i cant and i'm just ruining their night for them.

I just make it awkward.

Needless to say i continued and powered through, but i didnt enjoy it that much.

This confrontation between what i am and what i think i am is evident anywhere on me.

I mean, they say "your only as old as you feel" well thats kinda how i feel but about my looks.

Its difficult to explain but i feel like i look differently. Like, if i wasnt looking in a mirror and i'm in a good mood, i kinda imagine i'm tall, thin, tanned, muscular (to some extent) ... my features only exentuated.

I know its not real, and its more of a feeling rather than i can picture another me.

I feel hot.

But then reality will hit me and i'll think, ' no, thats not me, i'm just stood here waddling down the street. I bet people are thinking Woah! Look out for the Whale! or that there should be a little kid following me arround with a tuba'.

I look in the mirror and just think 'how did it get so bad'.

I hate my body with a passion. I go out of my way to hide it or to hurt it. I regularly wish i was someone different. anyone.

I've tried to change how i look, in every single way but it just doesnt work.

Yes, i did take my top off in a club and yes i did dance. But its a hollow victory. I was in a room filed with foam and other people to the point of near suffocation, so much so that people couldnt see you dance! And once again, the room was filled with foam, and i kept putting it on my body because i felt self concious.

I hate my body and wish for a different one on a daily basis

... but dont they feel this way too?


Rowan said...

I get paranoid lots too.

And that picture is how i often feel as well.

We're not too different you and I :P

sorry i can't write much more here, im away from where i usually should be when reading blogs!

Rowan <3

Wayne said...

Some of us are just not good dancers and I am one of them, so don't sweat it and just admit it to your partner. But the drunken foam dance sounded like fun. Dancing seems rather complicated these days with all the choreographed 'moves' etc and I am not sure it is worth the trouble to learn it. Maybe just work on the basic dancing moves to get you through a club night.
-Oh don't hate your body; just walk through any public place full of people and realize that you are better looking than 95% of the people there. You can easily reduce body fat and increase muscularity by changing your diet/exercise lifestyle; the trick is to keep trending in the right direction as the months and years go by, don't expect overnight results. Avoid fat, flour, and sugar in your diet and increase fiber and protein. Take up jogging or fast biking every day, and do 4 sets of push-ups and sit-ups every 3 days. Simply look at WHAT is in the food you are eating, and set aside time for vigorous exercise every day (the human body needs it!), and make this a LIFESTYLE. Those hot slim guys with washboard abs you see on the gay porn sites got that way with vigorous exercise and moderate eating. If you want it you need to go for it; you have potential. Huge health benefits. - Wayne :)

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