Hey, feel free to pop over to where I have a lot more content. Photographs, drawings, poems. Hope you enjoy xx

Sunday, 31 July 2011


Cemeteries are weird places.

They are where the dead rest for eternity, they are where the living come to remember those that arn't, they are where constant reminders of the long forgotten remain, they are where unnatural things happen.

As a child i was unnaturally drawn to them.

This could have been the depression, it could have been something else drawing me to them, or it could have been the knowledge that i was not allowed there.

My mum is the manager of the local crematorium.

Yes ... crematorium.

No ... she does now have to see the bodies.

Yes ... crematorium is where they burn the drad bodies.

Yes ... i did mean "cemeteries are weird places".

Yes ... i am aware that they are different things.

Yes ... we also have a small cemetery inside the crematorium

... may i finish now?

So anyway, as a child, it was always closed off to the public, and so being the inquisitive child i was, i just had to go inside!

It diddn't take me long to figure out that despite being surrounded on all sides by either fencing, brickwork or hedges, the hedge-side was not attached to anything, and that i could easily fit through the gap.

There i was ... stood in the ancient cemetery at long last! There was nothing special about it, it was just a load of stone slabs on the ground in a very small space.

But none-the less i was fascinated!

I mean, i was standing where hardly anyone was allowed to go! And i was really interested. I must have spend hours just walking arround this tiny section of the crematorium, reading the memorials, trying to see how old they were, visualising the people.

Strangely ... i was at peace there.

Of course, this wasnt the only time i went there either, infact i used to visit it every time i went there. I dont know why.

Over the years, i've become accustomed to death.

There are several influencing factors: my mum's job, my mental state, lots of death's in the family, lots of pets dying etc

In fact i remember our cat lucky. I must have been about 8 years old at the time, and he ran away. We spend ages trying to find him! We put posters up everywhere, we had the neighbours looking out for him, we called the vet to see if anyone had reported him.

He was missing for about 2 weeks before we found him.

I don't remember why i had to go into our play-house that day .. most likely to get some of my dad's work equipment. So i walked out into our garden in my shoes listening to the crunch of the melting snow from about a week or so before.

I just remember opening the door, ducking inside and going to get something from inside when i found lucky.

He was dead.

Ice cold to the touch, to this day i'm not sure if he froze to death or starved, but either way it was kind of traumatising to a little kid. He looked so peaceful, so calm, like he was sleeping. That was my first real brush with death, and it certainly was yet to be the last.

I've been to so many funerals, i actually have a funeral shirt! What i mean by this, is that i have a shirt that i ONLY wear for funerals. I was devistated when i couldnt wear it to my nan's funeral because i couldnt find it. That is the only funeral i havn't worn it, and i intend to keep this tradition up for as long as i'm here.

Yes ... cemeteries are weid places. They are places for adventrue. They are  home to memories and tradition. They are an escape to a little boy ...

Saturday, 30 July 2011

loveless or lifeless

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck off and fuck life!!!!

I'm so frustrated right now! I'm fed up with all this shit!!!

Why is it that no-matter what i do, i alwayd get it wrong and end up making the exact SAME mistake?!

I mean, in the last year, i have had one official boyfriend and he lived fucking 8000 miles away! Just goes to show how 'special' or 'lovable' i actually am!

I just make the same fucking mistakes and cant help it!

As for the other two guys, well lets just say they were both incredibly similar and enjoyed making me suffer!

Lets look at the facts .... yes?

He didnt want a relationship ... because of 'school timetables clashing' ... i thought Oh goodie! Someone sensitive and logical, i dont mind waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Of course then he decided to fuck off and ignore me as everyone always does!

Next thing i know ... he has a fucking boyfriend! So much for "i dont want a boyfriend"

He did want a relationship, but he hated having to be online all the time to talk to me. That wasn't a problem, we figured otu a way for us to text each other ... no, he didnt like to text me when he was with his friends. Not a problem, i was patient and put up with 15 mins a day or less ... no, he didn't. He said he couldnt handle not being able to see me properly for 3 years because it was too much of a distance.

Then he goes off and starts a relationship (or close to) with someone who is moving away for 2 years, even further than i am! Granted that didn't last (or at least i dont think so, as he has a different bf now) but the fact was ... he was still 'holding out' and hoping that this other guy would want a relationship. He was willing to wait 2 years for this guy ... but waiting 3 for me was completely out of the question!

He says he can't commit as he doesnt believe in love and that he does not get emotionally attached to people at all. He says that he could get over me in 15 seconds, which hurt a little bit, but he said it'd take him a few hours to get over his best friend and about a day or so to get over his own mother. I thought, ok at least there are no expectations and i wont get smothered because he is this way with everyone.

Now he is dating this other guy or wants to or is fucking him or SOMETHING! But the point is, its all he seems to be talking about. He only reffers to him as "him" but they already have far more than we ever did and i'm so fucked off with everything!

Its the same fucking mistake with each and every one of them! I like them, star to fall for them in some cases. I believe their lies and hope for the best. They say that they dont want something or that they cant do something ... and then they go ahead and do it anyway ...

just with someone else!

Am i that bad, that repulsive, that fucking STUPID that no one would even have anything to do with me?! Am i that fucked up that even the people who i put my trust and love with, would fuck me oveer just to see the pain in my eyes?! Am i that disgusting and emotional, that people get joy and happiness from my suffereing?!

AM I?!

No, i've had enough of all this shit! I've had enough of everything! I've just had fucking enough of life!

I mean, this isnt life, this isnt living. This is getting your heart broken shattered every day, simply by making the same fucking mistake every time to do anything!

I give up on investing everything into those closest to me, just to have them tread all over me like yesterday's trash! I give up on believing that people can change and that i'll find someone who can treat me how i so long to be treated! I give up on all of the heartless dicks out that that i would have to go through just to find that one single person who at least cares enough about me to not kill me inside like all the rest. Its not worth it. They're not worth it.I'm not worth it.

I just give up on love and emotions full stop!

Friday, 29 July 2011

More Than It Seems

Wednesday, 27 July 2011


Tuesday, 26 July 2011


So I’ve had one thing on my mind lately and it’s been bugging me. I’ve been contemplating my future...

Or lack of.

Now this is NOT a post about how “blue” I am or anything like that (well not intentionally) but more about me sharing something with you out there, that is difficult to explain and even more difficult to understand properly.

Since I was a child, as far back as I can remember really, I’ve planned for my future but I’ve never been able to actually picture it. I literally can’t imagine growing old, not “growing old with someone” ... I mean growing old ... period.

It’s just impossible.

There isn’t really a good thing to compare it to. I mean I could say picture you having sex with a woman (to my male and gay audience) but the problem with that is you CAN imagine that, you might just prefer not to.

No. The closest thing I can think of to compare it is to set you the challenge to think of a colour that doesn’t exist. Or to understand the universe in its entirety.

Impossible, no?

That’s how I’ve felt about my future, since I was about 10. Since that age I’ve found it difficult to picture my life beyond being about 30, I just can’t do it. And as a result I can’t plan for a future. I mean, sure I could set aside money for retirement and to have children and buy a nice big house with a white picket fence ... the whole shebang. But deep down I know it won’t come true. I know I won’t make it to my future.

How do I know this? Because it’s one of those gut feelings deep down inside that you know you can ignore and pretend it’s not there, but you know it’s telling you the truth.

It just feels ... right, I guess.

I know that at some point before I’m 30, I’m going to die ... most likely from suicide. Which used to be a scary and worrying thought, but to be honest I’ve come to terms with it. I’m content with living my life as long as I can and to the fullest.

Sure, sometimes I get depressed and sometimes I act upon it, sometimes I try to go a bit too far. And I know that one say I will go too far, but not right now.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m not trying to worry you or make you think about me any differently, I guess I’m just trying to explain an extremely difficult and private thing that I’ve told very few people about ... for good reason.

Even now you can’t understand what I mean or anything, but I’ve tried. I just have to hope that you’ll remember the impossibility you’re struggling to understand, and then accept my challenge to think of a colour that doesn’t exist, or that has a name or something!

I’ve known for years that I won’t live a nice full, long and loving life, and now you do too.


Monday, 25 July 2011


Its an interesting concept "profile pictures".

You're able to reflect what your feeling and who you're close to in such a small medium. That tiny little picture can be seen by hundreds, if not thousands and it has to say a lot about you in a very bried period of time.

But that tiny picture is forever there, its not just "me in the moment". Its online and can forever be seen. Even if you delete it, there is still some residue left behind. A trail. An outline. A mark.

A part of you is captured in the instant that flash goes off, and it is contained further the moment you upload it for the world to see.

But the interesting thing to do is to occasionally glance back at these 'moments in pictures'. Take a look to see how you have developed as a person and see if you like who you have become and who you are becoming.

Look at the emotions grow and develop into something more, something completely different.

Some see physical change, others see intelect and mentality change, and others see friends and family come and go.

But what do you see?


You see a young youthful boy, grow up and experience sexuality and friendships. Smiles galore, pearly whites and loving hugs. Varying locations of age and colour, some atristic others emotional but all heartwarming.


I see a souless shell

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Emo Rant

So this post follows on from my last one [here] and i explain just whats going through my head right now. Or at least i try
I just dont know! On the one hand i want to appolagise and go crawling back, because he wont. I still have him on MSN and Skype (that i know of) and have his mum/bff on facebook and have his number etc. So if i wanted/needed to get a message to him i could lol. But i dont know if i want to or not.

Its so frustrating how he can jsut turn off his emotions like that, and i just hate the thought that this guy who i like and have a good conection with, can just up and leave!

Star and some of you guys said that he'd be back (or should) but he wont ... and hasnt. He told be a little while ago that he doesnt get emotionally attached to people because they leave and hurt him. Which is fair enough, but he also said that he could get over me and forget about me "within 15 seconds and never look back" so i know that if he truely wanted to move on i'd be out of his life ... hence me appolagising.

But i know this has happened because he should have contacted me by now to appolagisise for over-reacting ... so no. He wont be back on his own.

I'm forever backing down or having to rephrase what i'm saying to make sure i dont offend him, but he's such a great guy i usually dont mind. I mean, i actually got excited earlier because he started the conversation with me for once, and i thought i was making headway, bu obviously not.

I cant help but think "was i too harsh on him" or "did he properly understand" and stuff like that. Its as if i'm making excuses to go and talk to him, but idk i just dont know what to do!

I want him back, but i dont want him to be such a dick!

I cant stand the fact that this guy means a lot to me for so many reasons, and yet he ends it because he doesnt want to be mean to me. Was i too harsh after that?! was it my fault?!

And then there is the way we left it, i mean i keep wanting to go and talk to him to end it properly but i know if i do he will either ignore me, block me or be over me already.

Oh, and i completely overlooked the sentance
          "and i changed my entire way of living the times u were down here u dont see the stress i actually put up with"

Which i feel really bad about, mainly because he must think that i jsut ignored it or didnt think it was important enough. but i mean, i didnt ask him to change anything! If anything i would have like to have seen him in his 'natural' state, it would have enabled me to understand him a bit better.

But because he forgot me so easily and has moved on clearly, i dont want to go crawling back. I dont want to be the pathetic one appolagising for everything! I've had enough of it! The fact that he hasnt even tried to contact me again just makes me angry at him. But then i cant help but feel responsible.

I just dont know what to do. This is always the case with me, no matter whoever i like or become friends with, they always end up despising me and leave to never talk to me again, and i'm left here to pick up the pieces. Joy

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Is it True?

So last night me and Emo Guy got into a bit of an argument. Cutting a long story short, i used one of his pictures of me on facebook. I didnt think about asking him and he got upset. This is how the convo went ...

Emo Guy
im sobering up with orange juice and crisps xD
lol aww
yu stole my photograph
yup :P
its of me, so i concider it repayment :P:
and the copyright belongs to me and i consider it rude you didnt ask.
fine, i'm sorry and i'l remove it
go sober up or something
oh geee thanks now your treating me like an alcoholic :L
coz its not like i actually have a busy life or anything >_<
i didnt call you an alcoholic, you were the one who said you were sobering up, and i didnt even comment on your "busy life" :L but as you said "whatever"
(YYYY) whatever helps you sleep at nte
Thats nice.
Is there any reason to be this way?
What way?
I’m not being cold
you know how personal i take my photography it wouldnt of killed you to let me know at least u were using the pic
and i changed my entire way of living the times u were down here u dont see the stress i actually put up with
Sorry, I didn’t think it’d have mattered
Il probably wake up tomorrow and gele terrible
Its fine. I took it down and its behind us now
Hahaaaa nah
its best if you dont come over anymore, i dont like treating good people badly but its in my nature
you know what, its fine. i'm not going to sit here and beg you not to leave like i did before. If you like me and like hanging out then you'll continue to talk to me, if you dont then you wont. I know its a risk seems as you can 'forget me' in an instant but oh well. And this isnt an ultematum, i'm just saying that whatever happens happens
i'm sure that came out wrong, but i hope you know what i mean
bye jack (=
nice knowing you
no it wasent :)
wasn’t nice knowing me? Thanks.
          [then he deleted his fb profile]


Is it over? Did i throw it away?

           Yes, i know that he wont come back, he can 'forget' about me in an instant if he chose to ... and i think he chose to.


What is today's society coming to, where you cant walk down your own street without being both offered an illegal substance and insulted, within the space of 10 seconds?!

On my way home from meeting up with some friends, i was about to turn the corner into my culdesac where i passed a group of ... people.

My judgemental side would be tempted to call them thugs, yobs, hooligans ... but i wont.

Naturally i quickly walk past them, i know they wont harm me (i'm sure my next door neighbour is with them right now ... not that they would anyway) but i just dont like talking to them. I find them rude and arrogant.

So i walk past, minding my own business, when one pipes up and asks me if i want any weed. He used a whole string of words for it, but i dont remeber most, although "cheese" came up which amused me lol.

Anway, i simply said no and continued walking. Then i just heard them yell "NERD" and i went inside.

But this reminded me of something that happened about a month ago...

I was walking into town when two kids asked a similar question. They might have been asking for it or asking me if i wanted it, but it doesnt matter.

Both were negatives.

So then i heard them yell out "NERD" too, which i brushed off. But something more difficult to brush off were the rocks they started throwing.

I dont know if they were just tring to get my attention, scare me or hurt me, but they all missed ... although some came close.

I wasn't overly scared or anything, and tbh i kinda wanted one to hit me so i could turn arround and yell at them lol, but they didnt.

I just continued on walking, thinking "is this because of my new look?!" (i had recently died my hair and this had never happened before ... coincidence?)

but my main thought was "what is happeneing to today's youth in society?!" I mean, insulting and criticising someone for turning down drugs! REALLY?!

And then resorting to violence because verbal insults go unaffected! I hope that one day these kids would look at themselves and see what they are becoming before its too late!

Or else, all may be lost ...

I think this pretty much sums up what i have to say ...
Literally and metaphorically

Friday, 22 July 2011


Why the fuck is it that no matter what I do, its never enough for anybody?!

I could spend the whole day cleaning and cooking, doing the laundry and scrubbing the floors, so that the house is spick and span, and when everyone gets home, I’ll still get a complaint!

Literally, every day when my dad gets home, he comes in and within 5 mins he is complaining that I didn’t clean something in the house. “You could have put away the dishes” is a common one ... completely disregarding the fact that I had already loaded the dishwasher with all of HIS dirty dishes, AND unleaded it, and the dishes I ‘failed’ to put away are my dishes that I had cleaned too! But ooooh no, thats not enough!

Then when he notices that I’m in a mood, to save himself an argument, he then passes on his ‘thanks’ for doing everything else.

Its SO frustrating!

I hate being the Cinderella of the family, but I have no ball to look forward to. Just the sweet relenting peace of sleep tat occasionally comes to me.

But oh no, its not my dad who’s been getting on my nerves today ... or his apprentice Ariel, no. Today it is my mother, who came over just moments ago for two reasons

  1. To give my sister a cheque
  2. To complain that I’m not doing enough around the house

The conversation went like this:

Mum: Here’s a cheque for Ariel from Granddad to help with her car [its’ been playing up lately]
Me: Oh ok, I’ll pass it on
Mum: And I hope you’ve been doing some stuff around the house the last couple of days [ie. Cleaning]
Me: Yeah
Mum: Because you are home a lot more then they are and the house should be spotless for when they come home haha
Me: I know
Mum: and a home cooked meal every once in a while would be nice to
Me: Ok mum .... shuts door

Ok, now I know it doesn’t sound that rude or offensive when its been written down, but you guys don’t know my mum.

Its clear that dad has been complaining to her that I’m not cleaning enough around the house ... which I could do more to be honest ... but its just the way she said it in that overly kind way, that you know its a cover-up to mask how someone wants to rant and rave and complain for hours!

My dad does it all the time. And then he’ll go on and on and on and on about it. And on.

So I’m used to it and you learn to just brush it off and not let it get to you.

But what did get to me, what the comment “and a home cooked meal every once in a while would be nice to” for one simple reason ...

Not only have I been cooking for myself for the last 3-4 months incredibly regularly (ie. “every once in a while” my dad cooks for me) but also I have been cooking for my sister about 4 times a week, and cooking for the whole family once a week as well. The other days are when I’m either volunteering or I’m going to a youth group and I don’t have time to cook dinner!

So for any of you out there who are mathematically challenged ... that makes me cooking for the ‘family’ 5/7 days a week, and I am not available to cook for the ‘family’ 2/7 days a week!

So yes ... it sounded kind of rude to close the door (there were some pleasantries exchanged ... however brief) but I was fuming at this stage and it was all I could do to not flip a lid!

I just get overlooked in my house! Another piece of furniture or a maid that you might say ‘hi’ to on your way out of the room past them. I am just someone to cook and clean to them, and yet my one purpose so it seems, I am still destined to fail!

I’m just a Cinderella with no ball to go to ...

     Oh ... and in-case you were wondering ... I was supposed to be cooking a family meal tonight before my dad decided he wanted take-away.

Thursday, 21 July 2011


I dont know what it is about the rain that is so soothing to me, but it is.

I could sit here for hours on end, just listening to it washing away everythign in its path. The sheer destructive yet cleansing power. The magnitude and the delicateness. Polar opposites in binary opposition, foever bound to fight for domiance.

Yet neither knows, they are both in control, both dominant, both the same thing.

If you actually look at the rain, its amasing how so many tiny dorplets can come together to form such a force! And in each droplet, there are tons of water molecules, and in each of those tons of atoms.

An infinate force, constantly recreating itself, to both take and restore life. Everything coming together for the greater good.

Its something you rarely see in nature. something to beautiful. So Pure. So deadly.

I love just lying here and watching it rain down on the world below, without a care in the world. Not doing what it wants, but what it must, for everything else. Even if they dont know that they need it.

Its one of those things that you might miss if it wernt there, but you can live without. Its one of those complexities in the world that you would only miss because you have seen it.

But after a while, if you didnt see it again, or if you never saw it, you would forget it and it would cease to exist. In physicality and in mentality.

So destructive. So delicate. So forgetable

Wednesday, 20 July 2011


I hate that wherever i look, there are people that are better than me.


I mean, take Emo Guy ... he dances, plays piano, is incredibly popular, is thin, is muscular, is tall, is friendly, he is amasing at photography, he writes, the list is endless. He is pretty close to perfection because he does SO many things perfectly!

And yes, i know that with years of practice and all that, i could do some of these things too, but there are just some things you cant change. I cant grow taller than i am now, i cant get much thinner, i cant dance or learn an instrument very well (i have ZERO hand-eye cordination) and sometimes i just wish i was completely different.

I just wish that i could escape my life and go somewhere different. Be someone different.

As a child, if you asked me what my three wishes to a genie would be, i would have answered you the following:

  1. To find happiness in the world with friends, family and the one i love and who loves me back
  2. To have TONS of money so that i would share it with the world, and pay of people's debts
  3. To be the person i've always wanted to be.
Even from a young age, i've looked at magazines and wished that i could be them. Their lives seemed so simple and easy. They were beautiful, popular, probably full of tallents and no problems.

But when you compare that with reality, it never matches up.

And i used to always say "perfection is itself an imperfect concept, because everyone's opinion of perfection varies" ... but well, i just dont know what to believe about it anymore.

I find myself floating down a stream, into a dense forrest, not knowing if the stream will turn into a lake or a fast flowing waterfall. My mid is so clouded these days that a part of me has just given up caring,  and i float through this life being only half human.

No, i dont know what to believe in these days. But i do know that i'm not perfect, far closer to being imperfect.

Well,  the half of me that is alive, at least :/

Closed Eyes

So the song from my last post actually inspired this one, because the song had a second part that was equally applicable:

Yes ... today's theme is masquerade!

I am reminded of a poem i heard on TV once, years ago:

I have a secret,
does she too?
The quiet girl,
I thought i knew,
Continually makes me smile

I can't halp but wonder,
does she see me
or just m mask
of invisibility.

I keep telling others that they never truely know who i am. I mean, i am so messed up inside that i have to hide it, or forever be cast away.

I said, in a post long gone about how i fake a smile so that no one can see the real me. The amount of smiles i do that are real are but a fraction of the overall smile count, which is shocking when you think about it. Its jsut easier for everyone.

I dont get the added attention, and they dont have to go through the hastle of pretending to care. Easier.

But it takes two to tango.

Other people also have masks. We're all just different conponents in this masquerade called life. How much of eachother do we truely see?

The clothes? No, they are costumes in today's society, a reflection of whats long gone and how we are expected to look.

our hair? No, that's jsut a further extension of the conformity that is our outfit.

Our Body Language? No, nowadays we each keep to our own and stand alone while those brave enough step forwards and perform some pre-ordaned and coreographed dance to blind the others.

Our faces? No, they are covered by these masks that are carefully designed to hide the most intimate part that is on display.

What does that leave us with? Our chins?!

No, we are all just different components that never truely see eachother, just these outer shells that the create for others to see. We provide others with exactly what we are willing to display and what they want to see.

     Not us.
     Not ourselves.
     Not me.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Open Eyes

Yes, my eyes are forever open.

Ever since a child i've had sleeping problems .. not that anyone believes me.

I dont know when it began, but i must have been about 7 years old, when i remember it from. Sat alone in my room for hours on end, just waiting for sleep to arrive.

Sometimes it was just that my brain wouldnt turn off, other times i wasnt tired and other times i was just too bored to sleep. Well, those are the most reoccurant themes.

... Well that or the nightmares ... but i wont go into that.

I would just lye there for several hours, late into the night until i would finally fall asleep for whatever reason. Litterally, i would not sleep until it was at least 11pm ... and for a 7 year old, that is late!

So logically, i decided that enough was enough and i may as well put this wasted time to a decent use and watch television. I tried reading, but i had a cabin bed (a bunkbed without a bottom bed) so my reading light was right next to the window above my door, meaning it was very obvious i was up lol.

So i would just watch television until i grew tired about 11, always 11, and then turn it off and go to bed.

Now, of course i had to be careful, i mean staying up past your bedtime to watch TV is a dangerous game lol, but pretty soon i perfected it. Whenever someone came upstairs to bed, you would hear a sequence of sounds ... the curtains closing downstairs, the kitchen door closing, somoene coming up the stairs and then someone at the top of the stairs ... then you either sank or swam.

All i had to do was either turn my TV off and climb into bed (and either sleep or usually wait about 10 mins and then continue watching TV) or on the rare chance i missed these sounds, i would pretend to be asleep and my parents would come in and turn my TV off.

I must have been caught like 3 times since then. I'm a good actor :/

But you see, this isnt me being naive and everything. I have tried everything i can think off to sleep better. I've tried going to bed early and repeatedly so that i can change my sleep routine, i've triend changing my nightime routine (ie. bath and stuff) i've tried doing more active things in the day to tire my brain out

... i've tried it all!

So here i am ... constantly awake. Ok, so a slight exageration, but i am awake about 19 hours a day at least. I constantly have bags under my eyes and what's worse is that no one believes me.

Its only a minor thing, but it really hurts when no one believes you, calls you a liar and then completely denies your childhood memories.

Now, i;m not particularly attached to those memories, its not like i cherish them, but they are memories none the less, and its not nice to have someone deny the existance of all those feelings and emotions.

But i just have to get it sorted because i dont know what it is thats causing me to be this fucked up. I mean, it doesnt sounds like Insomnia because although its constant and repetitive, its not lack of sleep, just lack of sleep up until a certain time.

What if i'm fucked up like this forever, wont that be a little difficult when i'm with someone. Lying awake next to them for hours on end to not look abnormal ... and then what if they woke up?! Or should i just refuse to go to bed until i'm tired ... then how fucking fucked up will i look!?

Well ... its a bit more complicated than this ...

... as the song said ... to be continued ...

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Tears for Humanity


As promised ... prepare to meet the fucked up world that is Jack Reynolds


Its happening again.

I can feel it inside

Repeatedly invading my mind daily

Growing, spreading, amplifying

Taking over.

          I need to self harm.

Its an addiction, and i know it. But i cant help it. Now i know all you out there will be like "just stop doing it" or "go and get help you freak" but its not that simple. I cant go and get help, i just physically cant, i have a phobia of doctors and it would kill me. But if i dont self harm it builds up, and it gets worse, to extreme measures that i stuggle to control.

Its kind of like if your starving, its better to eat in moderation then to stuff your face or to starve.

(idk, it makes sense in my mind!)

I just, i just crave the feeling of self harm. The ripping of flesh, cutting and slicing through the skin into the softer flesh underneath. The colour of the blood as it drips down my arm and off the cold heartless blade. The burning sensation that eminates through your body as the shock sets in, and the instant chilling that results.

I crave the different impliments that i could use and the unique cuts that would be created. Knife (both sharp and serrated), razor blade, scalpul, craft knife, scissors, broken glass, nails, saw, tin opener, thorns, paper, card, pens, plastic, claws, nail clippers

and then there are the things that dont cut but still inflict plain. Lighters, teeth, pills, fast moving trains, speeding cars, falling, punching walls,
electricity, drawning, floride, rat poison, suffocation, dehidration, starvation, burning, rope

I just, i just crave this. I crave pain, i crave blood, i crave suffering, i just, i crave death

The Truth Behind Disney

Nothing is EVER as it appears ...

Thursday, 14 July 2011

No Turning Back

So not many of you guys know that Emo Guy came to stay with me about a week ago, and even less of you know that i had a family gathering at the same time.

Yes ... The first time Emo Guy comes down to visit and i throw him into the deep end by making him meet almost my entire family ... well my dad's side (but i wont get into that right now ...)

Anyway, it turned out to be a fantastic day with sunshine, sandy beaches and warm weather ... AMAZING concidering its an English beach we went to!

There was just one problem ...

I had to go back in the closet so to speak.

Now dont get me wrong, it isnt because i'm not proud or anything like that, and its not like they wouldnt accept me, because they would. Its simply because i havnt told them.

Once again .... not because of the reasons above, simply because well, there is no need to. I see most of them once a year and have no further contact with. I'm openly gay but most people choose to ignore this, unless you have a formal decloration. And well, i just couldnt be arsed to make a big deal about me being 'out' and then make the whole day about myself ... AWKWARD!

So no, it was just easy to stay in the closet for the day. Which really was easy anyway ... except for a few things.

Firstly, there was Emo Guy. I didnt force him into the closet and if/when people (ie. my younger cousin Nick) asked if he was gay, i was honest and said yes.

... he found it really strange that i was friends with him and that i knew he was gay.

But because i was in the closet and he was out, it made being alone together kinda difficult. I feel awkward enough wtih PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) let alone with my family and especially if its with another guy when i'm not 'out'!

So kissing was pretty much out of the question. We did manage to sneak off for a little bit, but he was focused on his Photography most of the time, so i was kinda left on the back seat as usual.

But on the upside is that my family loved him and we managed to cuddle etc on the ride home and stuff.

But my second major problem of the day arrose from my cousin Nick. I really dont know if i should actually come out to him or not. I mean, i volenteer with children the same age and everything, so i'm used to the harmless homophobic comments (like the odd "thats so gay" or "your gay!" and well, you tend to brush them off because they are harmless and innocent, but some of what he was saying was a little more ... riskay lol.

Like, he made a LOT of gay comments about Emo Guy and about how he was gay and stuff. And him and his brother have always joked arround the concept that i was gay (mainly because i didnt let them read my text messages from my gf's lol ... see, the "harmless" gay jokes), but then he kinda amps it up a notch sometimes.

For example, i said i wanted to get my lip pierced and he came out with "thats jsut another reason for me to call you queer". And he didnt say it in a joking way or anything, and i dont know if its just that word that shoced me or the fact that i was sat next to Emo Guy and felt awkward or not, idk.

Just i love my cousins and i dont like the thought that i have to lie to them about something, but i dont know if he is going to turn out to be homophobic or not, and more importantly, if i should interfere or leave him alone.

I know how hurtful some people can be and i dont want to be the cause of it to anyone.

Are some people actually like this from an early age?

Is this what the world is going to become? A pointless black hole where even innocence can be corrupted?!

... i dont really want to live in this world if it is

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

The New Me

So its been a little wile since i last posted and well .. there have been a few changes.

I've decided that i dont really care anymore, and not to show it.

Inside i'm this type of person who is emotonally detached from most things and that although i get emotional, i actually dont have too many emotions, but i never let people know this because ... well, its abnormal.

But i've just had enough of it all. I hate that i have to pretend to be someone who i'm not. Its like going back into the closset once you've come out ... its a nightmare.

And here is my formal decloration that whatever people think of the real me, i'm not going to let it affect me. I've had enough!

So this is the new real me from now on, enjoy

... or dont

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Hey, sorry for the delay in posts, this is an older one that i didnt finish so just stick with me :P

So i spend another few days with Emo guy at the weekend, as some of you know. It was a really nice time! He was suposed to come down for a few days and then i would go up on saturday for London Pride, but he had to cancel because he had a college interview.

Which was also canceled ¬ ¬

But in the end i was quite glad because he called me up and asked me if i wanted to go up to see him on the Friday which made me happy because it meant i didnt have to hint for the invite haha.

And actually he then invitd me up for the Thurs, it was litterally he asked me the night before and then i woke up, got packed, wrote a note for my dad (because he was at his gf the night before and then went to work) and left.

I was actually going to get the train with my sister but she was running late lol. So was i ... by 20 mins lol.

So we hung out for a few days and did all that, then we went to pride, had a bit of a falling out due to some missunderstandings and me not being 'social' enough, but we made up and i ended up staying for another extra day haha. Could have stayed longer but i felt bad staying for so long haha

but anyway! This is a post about how complicated relationships and crushes are!

So yea, as per usual, i got really excited when i found out he was coming and then of course! he cancels on me, which totaly sucks! I hate how hung up on him i get sometimes and how i try a lot to make things work and everything, just to be blown off so easily!

I hate it!

And then of course one of the things that we fell out about was litterally over me saying

"I like him way more than he likes me ... fact ... but oh well, whatever"

Where this friend then went and told Emo, who then told me that he "couldnt do a relationship" which i already knew and stuff. Basically i know we wont date and all that, we're just having fun (and MAYBE after a few months when w eare really good friends then we MAY look into dating, but as i said ... whatever).

So i hated having to have the talk with him, mainly because he admitted that he could do an "open relationship" with me, but tbh ... no.

I've been there with Joe and Peter, and it didnt work out either way. I cant handle it because its just too complex. The way i see it, is there are two deffinitions of "open":

  1. you can do what you like with whoever, but one person is a 'regular'
  2. you are in a relationships, but you are allowed 'slip-ups'

I like to be in the latter catagory, but most are in the first. Emo is in ... one of them :/ He says he like to be in relationships, but with the perks of being single. And that he doesnt like to be constrained, but he is incredibly loyal.

See what i mean!?!

So basically, i'm happy with just being friends at the moment and nothing further, until when everything will change in a month. Then we'll see.

But i'm done with relationships, and love and dating and all of it! its just a massive wase of time and energy!

No more of this ...

The Sims Horror Movie