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Saturday, 30 July 2011

loveless or lifeless

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck off and fuck life!!!!

I'm so frustrated right now! I'm fed up with all this shit!!!

Why is it that no-matter what i do, i alwayd get it wrong and end up making the exact SAME mistake?!

I mean, in the last year, i have had one official boyfriend and he lived fucking 8000 miles away! Just goes to show how 'special' or 'lovable' i actually am!

I just make the same fucking mistakes and cant help it!

As for the other two guys, well lets just say they were both incredibly similar and enjoyed making me suffer!

Lets look at the facts .... yes?

He didnt want a relationship ... because of 'school timetables clashing' ... i thought Oh goodie! Someone sensitive and logical, i dont mind waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Of course then he decided to fuck off and ignore me as everyone always does!

Next thing i know ... he has a fucking boyfriend! So much for "i dont want a boyfriend"

He did want a relationship, but he hated having to be online all the time to talk to me. That wasn't a problem, we figured otu a way for us to text each other ... no, he didnt like to text me when he was with his friends. Not a problem, i was patient and put up with 15 mins a day or less ... no, he didn't. He said he couldnt handle not being able to see me properly for 3 years because it was too much of a distance.

Then he goes off and starts a relationship (or close to) with someone who is moving away for 2 years, even further than i am! Granted that didn't last (or at least i dont think so, as he has a different bf now) but the fact was ... he was still 'holding out' and hoping that this other guy would want a relationship. He was willing to wait 2 years for this guy ... but waiting 3 for me was completely out of the question!

He says he can't commit as he doesnt believe in love and that he does not get emotionally attached to people at all. He says that he could get over me in 15 seconds, which hurt a little bit, but he said it'd take him a few hours to get over his best friend and about a day or so to get over his own mother. I thought, ok at least there are no expectations and i wont get smothered because he is this way with everyone.

Now he is dating this other guy or wants to or is fucking him or SOMETHING! But the point is, its all he seems to be talking about. He only reffers to him as "him" but they already have far more than we ever did and i'm so fucked off with everything!

Its the same fucking mistake with each and every one of them! I like them, star to fall for them in some cases. I believe their lies and hope for the best. They say that they dont want something or that they cant do something ... and then they go ahead and do it anyway ...

just with someone else!

Am i that bad, that repulsive, that fucking STUPID that no one would even have anything to do with me?! Am i that fucked up that even the people who i put my trust and love with, would fuck me oveer just to see the pain in my eyes?! Am i that disgusting and emotional, that people get joy and happiness from my suffereing?!

AM I?!

No, i've had enough of all this shit! I've had enough of everything! I've just had fucking enough of life!

I mean, this isnt life, this isnt living. This is getting your heart broken shattered every day, simply by making the same fucking mistake every time to do anything!

I give up on investing everything into those closest to me, just to have them tread all over me like yesterday's trash! I give up on believing that people can change and that i'll find someone who can treat me how i so long to be treated! I give up on all of the heartless dicks out that that i would have to go through just to find that one single person who at least cares enough about me to not kill me inside like all the rest. Its not worth it. They're not worth it.I'm not worth it.

I just give up on love and emotions full stop!


StarSandwich said...

Oh God. Love isn't everything.
I know I probably can't talk. But I hate the emotion, I do. But Its a little recent.. .
But I will fall. You have to wait till someone is wanting to do everything for you to make it work. You know what I'd enjoy meeting emo boy. So I could crush him like a bug.

Micky said...

Jack, you're now old enough to go to gay venues on your own - or with a trusted friend, if you want.

The world's your oyster so please don't think of giving up on it before you've even got properly started!

Most of us who are older would give our eye teeth to be eighteen again and able to do it all again!

Of course you'll find the boy of your dreams - or at least one so flippin close to them that you'll bite his hand off - and it will all turn out OK.


Many even just slightly older guys will consider that at eighteen you're too young and too inexperienced for them to trust in any sort of relationship. You're biggest problem in the bigger gay world is going to be getting taken seriously as a much more grown-up guy than most of his age group.

So stop crying into your rice pudding, put on your best T and get yourself out and down the nearest gay bar next weekend. Don't bother about going during the week because no younger people are in most places outside the big cities other than on Friday and Saturday nights.

Just go there and be yourself as much as you possibly can.

My guess is that if you go four or five ties over the next month they you'll have an 'affair' to go ou with by then.

How many 'affairs' it will take before you find that magical boyfriend of your wet dreams there's no way of telling - but most guys maybe go three or four months or longer before they start to feel a bit serious about someone they've met. But each to his own.

Anonymous said...

I don't see where these relationships ended because of anything you did. Where's this "mistake" you keep making? Three strikes and you're out? That's a pretty defeatist attitude. I'm 52 and still looking, but I'm not going to give up. My last bf told me "he couldn't live a lie" meaning "I'm really straight", then he wound up dating (and going farther) with a mutual friend. My fault? I think not. I think your relationships have been honest with you - and they've always placed the blame on them. So why are you beating yourself up about them? So what if they found others, if you keep trying, you will, too. In another month or so, you'll be in a brand new environment, where typically, gay/bi people are automatically accepted, and also typically, more out, so perhaps it's just time to bide our time a bit, and see what happens when you you're in new digs, making new friends, and having a great time with a new start!

Peace <3

StarSandwich said...

Get out there, You'll find someone. Agrees with what Micky says. Chin Up. He'll come along but he wont fall on your lap.
-Star ^_^

Wayne said...

Love the first line of your rant, I've said that a few times word for word. Yeah Joe was a dick. Peter is great but too far away. What goes around will come around for Emo if he just wants to use people, and I know that you don't want to be like that.
-I've seen your pics and you are a good looking dude, and I suspect a great personality too. Maybe the friendship route, taking it a little slower will get you a bf that cares; someone who is worth it. Why not just enjoy the rest of your summer and see how things go in university this fall? New surroundings and maybe some guys who are a little more mature and not so shallow. Put your focus and energy into your education this fall and don't let these personal upsets derail you. Maybe let things fall into place if you give it time. Guys your age need love/sex like oxygen so I don't blame you one bit for the way you feel. But reality is that sometimes you do need to go through a number of people before hitting on the right one; then you will be glad the previous ones did not work out. Yes, straight guys also go through numerous gfs before landing the right one.
-Life does suck sometimes but c'mon Jack you are definitely worth it! Hey you are also completely free to look around and that is exciting. - Wayne (hugs!)

Rowan said...

If it's any consolation then i've never even been in a relationship of any kind.
Still, because of that, i believe that it can just take a while to find someone who you are properly suited and one you can have a good relationship with.
I am sure, the day will come for both you and I one day soon, Jack :)

Rowan <3

naturgesetz said...

If you've made any mistake at all it is thinking that you need to get into a relationship. So I think it is a good thing that you have decided to give up the pursuit. As Wayne said, try being "just friends" without wanting it to develop. As Jay M and Wayne said, you'll meet as whole new set of people in a whole new atmosphere at uni.

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