~~~Love you~~~

This is just a little poem Peter wrote me earlier, that I just HAD to share with everyone. Love you Peter xx

He tell me I am perfect
He tells me I am a God
One would get big headed , I however to not
He says thing like half past and porridge and my heart just start beating
His smile something I could not live without
He is like the sky to me always being there
He will never leave my head
I don’t know how my heart survived this long but it did
Now forever more I have my Jack

Roller Coaster over the Moon

The last few days have been a complete journey for me: I have been forwards, backwards, side to side and complete circle. It all started the other night with ’the incident’. After the party, I rushed home to meet Peter online, but when I got in he was nowhere to be seen, so I got talking to Jay. We decided to play a practical joke on him, and so Jay texted Peter that I and he were on webcam to each other wanking. In retrospective t was a bad idea, but in England a joke like this would be overlooked and ignored, but I overlooked how delicate Peter is, and I hated myself for it. He took it the wrong way [and I now know that I betrayed is trust and love] but we spent the night talking to each other. I survived the claws of Jess, who to give her, her due rewards, she is an amazing friend but very intense and overprotective. And hypocritical. (All in due time).

So I hurt Peter by going along with the joke, and in turn he hurt me by saying that we were “just friends and that’s all” and also how he will have sex with someone else. Ordinarily thus would not affect me so badly, but I have such strong emotions for him, that they overrode my logical thinking and I broke down and cried. We ended up spending most of the night having an in-depth conversation about each other, ourselves and our relationship. We decided that we would be friends and so therefore we could sleep with whoever we wanted. But at the same point, we didn’t want to deny our emotions and true feelings. So by the end of the night I had spent about 2 hours waiting for Peter, 3 hours crying and talking; and then 2 hours finalising: leaving me 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up.

I slept. He forced me to lol. But earlier on tonight, at about 5ish e got talking and ...edited ... our agreement. WE decided that although we could have physical relationships with others, we wanted to remain emotionally attached, and effectively we were in an ‘open’ relationship. So we used this label. My first official boyfriend; and I can’t even touch him. A part of me still longs to be able to fulfil that aspect of our lives and our relationship, but I can’t so I have to do the next best thing and let someone else do it. Sort of like getting plasterers for a house: it does not affect the actual structure, but makes the whole thing complete, beautiful and ties it all together. Crap analogy I know, but accurate I think.

So we have spent the last day or so finalising our relationship and how everything will work. The decorations, so to speak. We have organised everything from when we are free to talk, to the conditions under which other relationships are allowed. And I know what you are all thinking ... “what’s the point? You’re probably never going to meet each other face to face?! And isn’t it all a bit too planned?”, well the short answers are: Because we want to, so? And no. But of course you all want a bit more detail and a bit more gossip than that. So here it goes...

Even if we never meet face to face [which I hope is not the case] then at least we would have explored this part of our lived. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all’ is never more apt here, and I feel it summaries everything perfectly. Just because you cannot touch God doesn’t mean that does/doesn’t exist, you cannot touch air but it is still the life giving source that it is today; and just because we cannot touch one another, does not mean that our emotions are any less real.

So the feedback we have had on both sides has been very limited and subdued. Many people have highlighted the flaws there are and what is likely to happen ect and even one person went so far as to be a total bitch when they found out and refuse to acknowledge that they may have hurt Peter’s feelings, so I had a small argument with them and gave up. People on my end are sort of in between. They want to trust me and believe that it will work, but they are finding the situation and circumstances too difficult to get past. So in the words of the famous Jay “who the fuck am I to judge YOUR HEARTS and MINDS???” But please ... I personally (and Peter too probably) would love your opinions, suggestions, advice and even stories, as it could REALLY help us.

 So I have had a bit of a Roller Coaster ride for the last few days, but I am completely and utterly Over the Moon.
- Ttyl Jack xx

The Party

Ok, so I got back from the party a little while ago and thought that I would just post a short message about tonight.

It was quite an average night where I met lots of people I haven’t seen in ages. I spent a portion of the night being flirted with (and ashamedly to say, I flirted back ... what?! I can’t help myself) with an ex fuck buddy of Dana. Unfortunately he is straight, and I have my eyes on a different prize. Some people tried to get us to play gay chicken, and “nervous” (which is a variation of gay chicken, where you slowly move your hand up the others leg until they give in). The music was pretty bad, although we had some fun with the classics: Macarena and the Time Warp.

But the main event of the night was expanding the select few of those who know about me, but two. Yes TWO! I told the first one quite quickly as we were alone outside while she had a cigarette. I had already told her about Joe (only not the main thing about him being a guy) so I just said ...  “that person I really liked ... his name was Joe”. She took it really well as I knew she would, and ironically she was more upset about me not telling her sooner, haha. So as her and her friend, are inseparable, I had to tell the other, or she would just tell the other herself. But I love both of them, so I didn’t mind. It took AGES to get this one on her own, we got about 3 seconds of privacy before everyone else barged in, and I could hardly turn around and say ‘can you leave us alone?’ as it would be too obvious. But at the end of the night, 30 mins before we had to leave, she was in the toilet on her own so I waited ... and waited ... and waited. Know what she was doing? On the phone! Haha. So I went in and gave her a hug (I have gone in there before, no problem: P and she was having relationship problems, so needed the hug). Our friend joined us, and started the conversation quite quickly and precisely. So I told her the same thing. Her reaction was priceless:

First it was contempt

Then she said “Joe ... do I know ...”

Then her face contorted, joined with the words “HIS?!”

And so us three got to talking about everything. About Joe, Peter ... everything. Except the fact that I have a blog. I like the idea  that that is a secret (except for Dana). So tonight has been a success in my eyes, and my family has increased by two more.

- Ttyl Jack xx

I LOVE BLOGGER!

14 followers?! I was surprised when i got my FIRST one! So thanks guys, for everything :)

So I’m literally just about to leave to go to a party tonight, so it’s going to have to be a short one. Although I am seriously considering not going to that I can talk to Mr Dangerous aka Peter. But I think three nights in a row may melt his little brain, haha.

I have no idea how to get to this party as according to Google maps, it does not exist :( but I have to go, as I haven’t seen most of the guests in AGES. I really want to come out to two of my close friends, but I cant quite seem to do it. I have almost done it to both of them before (on separate occasions) but I just cant quite get the words out. My heart is screaming, but my lips remain pursed. If I do, then the rumours will start, and I’m not sure if I can handle them again. Should I do it?! But if I told them, I would tell them everything. Blogger. Joe. Peter ...

So I spent my day doing basically nothing. I slept until 12 where I quickly said good bye to my sisters who have gone to Blackpool for their friends 21^st. I then watched GI Joe (good film, but seriously scientifically flawed, haha) and tidied the house. Dad has been home for ages now and hasn’t even made a comment :( but oh well.

And so now onto my main thought of the day: Peter. Just to clear up some confusion there was about my last post: I do REALLY like him. My last post was ... interesting ... and focused on mainly one topic, but that was because I didn’t want to admit to myself how much I liked him. But I don’t care anymore. Live in the moment. I love him, his eyes, his hair, his laugh. The way he has to pick at his braces even though it frustrates me so! When he randomly breaks out into song for no reason, sets my soul on fire. He is amazing! I would gladly stay up for eternity, if he was there with me. But alas, this cannot be.

Sure we could talk, be intimate, even have a relationship. But its going to be a long long time before I get the chance to hold him in my arms, to tousle his hair and to kiss his ever so subtle lips. And it kills me inside.
Is it worth the torment? Every second

- Ttly, Lonely Jack xx

PS. Hope you enjoy this picture i drew, kind of reflects the situation accurately

I HATE BLOGGER!

Ok, so this statement is not entirely true; but it certainly frustrates me. On the one hand; it shall forever be my hero as it introduced me to a whole new world and a new community. But on the other; it keeps introducing me to people I can’t have.

The first time this happened, it was with Oliver. We exchanged emails and added each other to MSN to chat further. It started out as just us two talking and mainly me asking him for advice; but every now and again he would ask me for some, and made me feel like I was contributing to the friendship. And yes, I had not known him long but I already considered us friends. Unfortunately I developed a crush on a guy who lived in a different country; and try as I might, I couldn’t change things. Eventually, we stopped talking as much as he switched to Twitter leaving Blogger – and me – in the dust.

But once this happened, I swore that I would not develop a crush on another blogger; how wrong I was. I had two people who seemed very interested in my blog (Jay and Peter) and so this interest lead to a mutual friendship and regular conversations over MSN. As many of you know, Peter is also 17, but he lives in Texas ... sound familiar? I eventually picked up the courage to add his MSN to my contacts list and waited for the inevitable ‘decline’, but it never came. Instead I found myself having a strangely friendly and open conversation with this amazing blogger and person. Unlike previous conversations where you introduce yourself to one another, this one flowed freely and within a matter of seconds it was as if we had been friends for ages! I was tempted to make a comment on how easy this all felt, but I didn’t want to risk things. That night, after about a 2 hour long conversation, we decided to ‘call’ each other over MSN (audio conferencing) enabling us to communicate without the need to type: as well as getting to listen to each other’s sexy accent. We spent a good few hours talking online, getting to know one another and talking about our experiences and families; which I also has a brief conversation with them two.

On the second day, I was on MSN most of the day as I usually am, and Peter had just come online after his workout. Well half. He explained how he was just taking a short break from his workout and then we would return to do the other 30 minutes. We ended up talking for about 2 hours, before we both had to go and mutually decided to end the conversation; but by then the damage was already done. That night, Peter was online again, and so we chatted and got to know one another in further depth. Ironically, I was just about to sign off of MSN and was just hoping that Peter would come online, when he did, and so I got little sleep that night. Eventually we opened up a video call (with audio) and I finally got to see the face of the person I had been secretly drooling over for the last two days; and MAN, DID NE NOT DISSAPOINT! Somehow we got onto the topic of cock size and who was bigger, and this lead to some interesting webcam sessions ... I had NEVER done anything over the internet before, but I really liked this guy and I trusted him for some reason. Pretty soon we expanded our little ‘show and tell’ operation into a mutual masturbation, via webcam. Although I have done some stuff with guys before, we had never done something at the same time let alone in different countries. We stayed up all night (well I did, peter stayed up until about 2am, haha) talking, gossiping, wanking and bitching. It was great fun, but the sexual tension was intense; we jacked off at least twice each that night to each other (including a Doctor’s outfit) ... and even more alone. We then took, and traded, some pictures of ourselves, and checked out each other's computer's to get a better understanding of the other. Sadly, the night had to end, and when my dad had left for work I knew it was time to say good night. So we did.

So onto yesterday. I checked out Peter’s blog (as I am reading it from scratch) and found a new post that said “talking to this amazing new blogger(who I have a slight crush on and who looks omg amazing)" , so I knew that I was taking a leap of faith that this mysterious blogger was me, but it all seemed to fit. I WAS a new blogger, I had a crush on HIM, and he had complimented my appearance the night before; and we had spent all night talking. So we got talking again and got on like a house on fire; and had another jack off session, when we finally admitted that we liked each other. One problem: there is an ocean between us. Sure I believe that a long distance relationship could work, but even IT has its limits. You need physicality in a relationship, not just sexual tension, spirituality and emotional attraction. But despite this we still had a fun time having yet another jack off sessions, as well as some games of Truth or Dare, and Have you ever?

Sure we should probably stop seeing each other and go ‘cold turkey’, but neither of us want to. Just because we can’t be together does not mean that our emotions are not real. Our feelings to one another are reality, but sadly the reality of the situation is too much. Why can’t he just live closer. The same continent even. We are perfect for each other, want the same things, and both really like each other, but mother nature is constraining our opportunities for love.  I know that we have only known each other for a few days, but it seems like more, and when I’m with him I feel happy. I really hate Blogger for doing this to me; but I love it as it introduced us. Confused? We are.
 - Ttyl Jack xx

Chores

So Today’s post is going to be kinda random as I have no idea what to write today: I’m gonna wing it.

So I was supposed to be filming for our Media Coursework today, but our actor had to cancel as he was going to see his dad; and I could hardly say no. I didn’t mind much, it meant that I could have my FIRST day off (not doing work) of my Holidays. What did I do? I hear you ask ... Nothing.

I watched TV but there was nothing on, so I ended up watching repeats. I used to love it, and could sit through the same show literally several times in a row; now I hate to watch it twice lol. So I spent the rest of my day blogging and Facebooking. Fun day if you ask me haha.

I’ve had my family complaining all week for me to do my chores – which I have done already! – and it’s really getting on my nerves. I did the jobs I was supposed to do, and extra, but I still had to do more. I don’t mind having to do this, it’s just frustrating when they keep on complaining. It’s not my fault I have been busy working on my education! rather than making sure the floors and bathroom are clean! GRR. It reminds me of a conversation I overheard not that long ago about ‘taking out the trash’ (you know who you are lol) where the mother was complaining and the son was not doing it and it got me thinking; why do we complain? It’s not going to make us go faster?! So after I had done my chores not only did no-one notice that they were complete and the complaining continued, but they also expected me to do more!? FFS, I GIVE UP!

So that was my extremely exciting day

- Ttyl Jack xx

BUSY BUSY ...

Hi everyone, so today’s post is going to be about the last couple of days which have been really busy for me. It may not sound like much, haha, but trust me ... I’m exhausted!

So yesterday I went to Thorpe Park with my friend Jake, his friend Em and her friend Caz. I didn’t know these girls which was a little daunting, but we actually had a really nice time. I walked to Jake’s house at about 8am (after another brief night’s sleep haha) and was almost late. His dad had recently hurt his knee so we had to leave early so that we could meet the girls in town and get the buss there. But once I got there, I was told that we was going to give us a lift: lay-in avoided. But I didn’t mind as it was going to be a great day and his dad was really nice and friendly, and went out of his way to provide us with a ride. As we were waiting around for an hour, I got to have a really nice chat with Jake’s little brother: he is SO adorable! He is at that age where he is interested by anything and everything; and so we spent most of the time watching television, talking and watching YouTube video’s. It was a good morning.

Then when we were in the car, for once it was not awkward. Usually when I am in a car with someone and their family, I freeze up and turn overly quiet and polite: too afraid to talk lol. But this time it was different, we joked and chatted most of the way there; and even once Jake had left the car. I was introduced to Em and Caz in the car (although had been told about them before) and we got on quite quickly; and as I had to wait in a separate queue with Caz we got talking about almost everything about ourselves, and it was like we had known each other forever!

Our day was ... interesting ... to say the least, haha. We discovered that Em is really BAD luck in an amusement park: she broke 10 rides! Granted most were minor, like the seats not closing at first, or failure to take off; but was still pretty funny. We kept teasing her about it all day. However, one ride – Rush – she actually broke a seat for the WHOLE day and it still wasn’t working when we left at 10pm. But we were all safe. As we were there for literally 12 hours, we went on every ride at least once! Jake has a special pass that enables him to jump most queues which was great because we could go from ride-to-ride quikly and went on like x3 as many rides as usual!

I did feel really bad for Caz though, at one point. There is this one ride called X-No Way Out, which is a roller coaster that goes backwards in the dark; and it stops and starts throughout. Me and Jake thought it would be funny to touch the two girls during the ride, on their shoulders and hair, to aggravate them; but when we got off the ride, they were a little confused as we showed them (lying, of course!) that we could not reach them. So we went on it a further 2 times in a row (Jake’s pass) and each time they got more scared, but it was all in good heart. Then we went on it for a fourth time and I did the same, but I was on my own as Jake felt a bit sick (probably as we had gone on it one after the other 3 times); but the ride broke down towards the end – the curse of Emily – and so they got more scared. This was not helped by one of the workers saying that the ride is haunted by a Little Girl Ghost: something that Caz is really afraid of. She ran off and we had to comfort her. She wanted to go on it one last time, so she went and this time she forced us to change our seating arrangement: her and Me; Jake and Em. Neither of us touched her, but they still claimed to have been touched – its amazing what the power of the mind can do – and so she got a panic attack. Me and Jake felt SO terrible, but she calmed down and we decided not to tell them as it would be even meaner. But she even went on it a 6^th time later on to “say goodbye”, and STILL got touched ... we were in front of them!

One point of the night was especially frustrating; there were a group of HOT guys walking around the Park ... shirtless. I was practically drooling. So were the girls. But as I was a guy I wasn’t allowed to (they didn’t know I was bi) and so I had to pretend like I wasn’t totally transfixed. Luckily for me, they turned around and started following them, which meant I volunteered to go and get the girls. Ulterior motive: I get to spend longer longingly looking.

So today I had to spend filming scenes for our Media Coursework: a Music Video. We were only filming the narrative (story) which was predominantly a guy walking around an urban area (I will link it to my blog when we finish it). But as I was out of credit and did not have his number, we could not get in touch, so I was left wondering around like a headless chicken. The location AND time were changed repeatedly before I got this txt:

"Meet at 12, but at the lake”

Not only was the time INCORRECT! but “the lake” is just vague enough to delay filming by 2 hours. Then my printer broke so we were another hour behind writing out the shots we had to do: and in the end we just went to the locations and filmed what we wanted. It was also a bugger to film, as it was raining quite hard today, so one person had to follow the camera around with an umbrella ... we must have looked like twats, haha. But the shot’s we got were worth it. I also managed to cover up my friend’s black eye with makeup, quite well, if I DO say so myself; although the price for using this actor? I had to put up with homophobic remarks all day about how he was beated up by “a bi”; ironic how that may happen again ...

I have more filming to do tomorrow, so will let you all know what will happen.

- Ttyl Jack xx

Party From Hell

Ok, so this is slightly over-exaggerated, but it was a really bad/strange weekend.

Saturday, I met Joe in town as we were going to hang out for the afternoon and then go to Cindarella’s birthday party. I got there about 20 minutes early, just in case, and got really nervous just before he came, as he hadn’t seen me with my short hair, so I was freaking out a little lol. But when he got there everything was fine and we acted as if nothing had ever happened between us: two friends, hanging out, rather than two ex-lovers. We agreed that we would walk home as it was a nice day and he enjoyed the outside (as do I). But I forgot the way that I wanted to take him (through a load of woods an forest) so we had to go a different route. We walked in silence. This was when I realised something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know what to say, so I just left it. However, as we couldn’t walk the romantic way that I hoped, I took us down a detour, to a small wood and secluded field which I was hoping would set the mood. It didn’t.

When we got back to my house, we rushed upstairs to get changed. I normally would get changed in a different room, but I

1) wanted to see his reaction

2) we have done FAR more, so it shouldn’t matter

3) we were in a rush

So I got changed into my pirate outfit and him into his Policeman’s one: he looked like a stripper! The party itself was quite nice, I got to meet lots of people I hardly ever get to see and spilt my drink within the first 20 minutes. But luckily I had a spare top (I have learnt from the past, where my friend ripped my underwear :/) So I spent the rest of the night trying to ignore Joe, and this was when I came out to Chill. But my attempts at leaving Joe to his own devices soon failed, and we had fun. Fortunately for me, I had to go and meet Jake (in his Rocky Horror Outfit) and so this distracted me for a while. Until it came to bedtime.

Me, Jake, Dana and Joe were lying in bed together, playing a game of Truth. It is basically Truth or Dare, only no one picks Dare, haha. Then the lights went out and we were all just cuddled up to one another. I had lost my top earlier due to a dare, and took my jacket off as it was uncomfortable, so I was just in my trousers and underwear, but I didn’t mind: I had Joe spooning me. Pretty soon, I found myself at his crotch, where my drink had played with my head a bit, but Joe didn’t seem to mind and he even reciprocated it. I knew that the other two knew what we were doing, so they moved off the bed and onto the floor – although at this point, it was strictly PG13. Not long after, he turned around and kissed me. This took me a bit by surprise, as I wouldn’t link kissing with a one night stand (and yes, to much disappointment is was a one night stand as he probably still doesn’t want a relationship) ... why do boys have to be ruled by their dicks?! Things got a bit more heated, as we continued to kiss, grope and hug each other; until he came. I was barely touching him, but I was proper teasing him, so it was my fault I guess. It was a great night, we spooned after, and cuddled until the early hours of the morning. But the next day was a different story...

My fears were confirmed the this morning when I found out Dana practically hates me because we ‘made’ her sleep on the floor and kept her up all night making “sucking noises” (kissing ... not that!) and I feel terrible now as I feel confused, slightly used and ashamed of myself. I should have been able to control myself, but when you’re in bed with someone you love its difficult to contain your emotions. But oh well, I guess Dana was right when she said I was “so disgusting”. Besides he was clearly off with me the next day and we barely spoke, which broke my heart again. I knew why it was, and a part of me is happy that I did that and wouldn’t change it; as I know what it feels like when you over stay your welcome on a one night stand. He did text me later on though and apologised, but it still doesn’t remove my confusion.

Here are the facts:

• He was willing to continue on with me
• If he had stopped me (morality) then I would have
• He kissed me
• He cuddled/spooned me
• He wouldn’t want to confuse me
• I didn’t get the impression that all he wanted to do was ‘get off’
• Once he finished, that was it
• He was off with me the next morning
• Boys are ruled by their cocks
• We were both drunk
• He doesn’t/didn’t want a relationship
• He liked having a fuck buddy

So I am pretty much fucked on what to do now. Do I confront him? Or do I flirt? Or just ignore him completely? Please help me, I would really appreciate any advice given :(

- Ttyl Desperate Jack xx

The History of Joe

Ok, so I was planning on posting this a little later on, but I think you all need to know the history, before we move onto current events.

And to Mark’s delight, reader’s should beware, there may be adult content lol

...

So it all happened the day after the party when me and Joe first met. I was really frustrated that I chose to go home early as I was about to be violently ill and that is not really a mood-setter. But typically, as soon as I got home I was fine and already regretting it. So the next day me and Joe got talking on Facebook about SunnyD (random I know) and arranged to meet up the following weekend, in a local town. Unfortunately he lives quite far away and we need to get two trains just to be in the same town as each other; so we decided upon a mutual place (one train each). We spent the day talking and getting to know each other better; which was all we did as the town had about 4 shops, resulting in us standing in WHSmiths for about 2 hours before we started looking at the books, haha. I really REALLY liked him, and spent most of the day trying to find an excuse to get closer. I knew he was gay, and I had an inkling that he liked m back, but I couldn’t be too obvious. This meant that I spent most of the day moving my hand closer to his, helping him to hold his umbrella o that our hands touched, sitting uncomfortably so that our legs met, ect. But overall it was a relatively unproductive day. Although he did wear my jacket as he was cold <3

So after this, we began to talk regularly over Facebook chat. It started off as innocent “hi, how are you?”, and it slowly escalated into flirting, then virtual hugging and then ... more. Dana was a key element in this initial stage, as she reaffirmed to me that Joe liked me, which made me get ecstatic and excited! We met a couple more times over this period, but not much happened, until our first ... date(?). I put it in brackets as we never called it that, but it would fulfil the criteria for it. We met in him home town and then planned to move onto Reading to watch Toy Story 3. I hadn’t seen it, but he had ... 3 times. So we went for a walk (his favourite thing to do on a date) and ended up sitting down on the grass and just talking. As per usual, I was trying to meander my hand and position it next to his, in the hope that he would hold it. I even think he did at one point (or it was a hard piece of grass :S) but it caught me so off-guard I moved my hand. Then it happened.

He made some kind of joke (the punch-line escapes me) and it was like a movie. I was looking over the horizon laughing when I turned my face and looked him in the eye. The laughter faded out and the gaze intensified. We leaned in. It was like a movie, where you are sat in the audience pining for them to move closer and have their happy ever after, as the emotional music begins, bubbling underneath the surface. We leaned in and out lips touched. It was a night of firsts. WE were each other’s first willing male kiss. Things got heated and his kiss became more forceful, primeval, urgent! I loved it! Our tongues intertwined and danced in each other’s mouths. I was in heaven. Completely oblivious to the fact that we were on the top of an exposed hill. As we were kissing, our hands began to roam and the passion intensified. We had a quick grope and stood up. He held his hand out for mine and we walked into the woods. I’m a sucker for romance, and passion...

We found his favourite tree where e likes to sit and relax, and we continued to kiss. We made a few new memories for that tree. Unfortunately, we had to hurry to go and catch the train, so we left then and there. Once on the train, he turned to me and said” I think we can sneak a quick kiss” ... and we did, and he then rested his head on my shoulder and held my hand. Once the film ended, we did some shopping and sat down and talked for a while, until we went back to his home town, for another walk. This time we went down a different route and our belts were soon off. We walked further down and stood behind a large tree, where our hands began to roam again. We couldn’t keep them still. That evening was one that I will never forget. It was hot, passionate, dangerous. I worked my way down his body and sucked his cock. I was surprised how it tasted and felt, but I liked it. I was also surprised at how it tasted and the fact that I could tell when he was coming. I missed my train.

We met again a few times and the same stuff happened: it was becoming the norm for us. But I got the distinct impression that I liked him FAR more than he liked me, which was strange because it was usually the other way around. It was just before we were due around Deni’s house (see previous post) when I decided to have ‘the talk’ with him. I had to know what we were; were we fuck buddies, friends ect and concluded by asking him out. Although the first time I said it, it was kind of cryptic and he missed it; but the second time he got the message loud and clear. He said that he had to wait until college started to see how things went, which was fair enough. But my world came crashing down on me a matter of weeks later.

We net up once again, where we first met alone, and went for a walk. He was off with me from the start, but I ignored it and blamed it because we were 15 minutes from his college. He basically refused to kiss me, so I was just happy sitting with him and bought his excuse of being ill. He lied. The next week when we met up, he said that he did not want a relationship, so I said that I felt the same way. I lied, but it was to avoid the subject and stop myself from bursting into tears there and then. But I felt too guilty for lying and misleading him, so I texted him the next day and told him. He took it quite well, but we hardly spoke since then.

What’s worse? I am completely in love with him and divided in two. Do I keep him and be used as a fuck buddy? Or do I loose him and hope we can be friends? I know I made the right choice, but I can’t seem to get rid of that last sliver of hope. Then there was last night ...

Ttyl Jack xx

Finally ... the final 3

So this is going to be the conclusion to my ‘coming out’ saga; where I am just going to combine everyone else...

G-Unit and Cinderella:

These are two more of my closest friends; G-Unit is bi and Cinderella is straight, although they have a really close bond (it can get confusing for outsiders lol). At this point me and Joe were ... together(? Its complicated), and so we had previously discussed “what we were” and came to the conclusion that we were ‘friends with benefits’ (or fuck buddies). So I had previously decided to tell these two as I loved G-Unit and wanted to tell her, but this meant telling Cinderella as they are inseparable. So I was trying to find the correct time and place to tell them and so me and Joe went to Cinderella’s house for a party and went early. Once we arrived, we were holding hands and stealing glances, which we thought we were being sly about but apparently we weren’t. So in the end, I got fed up with waiting and just came out and said it. They reacted unlike most others I have told; but in a good way. Their response was filled with loads (and I mean LOADS) of questions and sighs and giggles. It was nice ... and slightly unsettling. But by telling them I have become even closer to them and can tell them anything!

Chill:

Chill is someone I have known for just over a year and he is out and proud. He is really friendly and stereotypically gay (I don’t mean that as a negative). We met at a few parties and he now goes to my college; he also works on the college magazine with me and I help teach his class, but other than that we don’t see much of each other haha. So last night I was sat there and I had been thinking about coming out to him for about a week and so I decided to do it. We had randomly started talking on Facebook, when it quickly escalated into flirting. Tbh I was probably the one to instigate it, but I misread the winking emoticon and so it all began. It was relatively straight forward. I have told a few people about Joe, but obviously left out details and gender, and so I just told him that I felt guilty about lying – he said the flirting was unfair as I was straight – and that ‘said person’ was called Joe and was a guy. This began our lengthy conversation about how I am bi and completely head over heels in love with Joe. So only time will tell how this will end

Others:

So I decided to group together everyone else as I am technically out to quite a few people; but most of them are not overly interesting stories or are simply repetitive: so I shall give you all the shorthand version. I came out to several people at a party playing truth or dare: a devilishly devious game for some. I didn’t actually mind admitting it to them as it was fun and light hearted.

I came out to a lesbian couple at another party, which was quite uneventful. I knew they HAD to accept me and they didn’t go to my college so I didn’t mind: although one kept asking awkward questions :/

I was also ‘outed’ by Dana to a few people: including her mum and brother. I was a bit annoyed at the time as she did not ask me and I found out by her saying ‘I had to tell my mum because she thought we were screwing’; but I quickly got over this frustration and was actually kind of jealous of her close bond to her family. I mean, I have a close bond with mine, but I don’t tell my sisters EVERYTHING!

So that concludes the saga of Who; and so the remaining people who do know have either figured it out themselves or been told by others; to the extent that even I am largely confused about who is confused about my confusion. Confusing isn’t it?!

- Ttyl Jack xx

5...4...3...2...1...

I apologise for any of you out there who were expecting/anticipating a story about me coming out (but I doubt that anyway), but tonight my dad, sister, her bf and I went to London for a Gig. And it was AMAZING! Dad and I had to get the train in on our own because m sister was being a slowpoke getting ready and still had to pick up her bf. So we arrived in London and got on the tube, just in time to catch the opening number of the band we went to see: The Boxer Rebellion. So here is a slightly jumbled up account of the night.

5: I had a total of 5 drinks tonight. Nothing overly interesting about this, but it meant that I had a excuse to walk around and check out the guys, when I went to the bathroom, haha. The only problem with these gigs, is that I never know what to do with my empty cup. Do I drop it? Do I hold it? Do I give it to someone? The list continues ... and so shall I.

4: Towards the end of the night, when we were waiting for the tube going to Waterloo, my sister had her seat stolen by this completely wasted guy. He sat down as she was investigating a rodent, and said (or rather slurred) “I hope she isn’t going to jump, it’s a lot of work for others”. Which is fair enough – it is – but I’m sure we would have stopped her if she was going to lol. Then when she returned, he asked her why she was so happy, in that overly judgmental way that drunk people do, and proceeded to lecture her about how ‘when she turns 25 she will love red wine and it will be like water’. I think that could explain a few things here. He then turned to her when she started laughing as told her to be quiet sho that he could finish: which was met by further laughter. He proceeded to turn to me – INCHES from my face – and lectured me. It was actually quite freightening. What was worse was the fact that his mail in his hand, was actually addressed to:

                “4^th Floor; the Underground”

So later on, in Waterloo, I witnessed for the first time public urination. But no, it was not in some strange dark alleyway. It was in Burger King. This woman stood there for about 20 minutes talking to my dad and complaing about the usual: her life, her home town, the fact that she needed the toilet but they were refusing to let her go upstairs. The usual. When she just went and sat in the courner for about 5 minutes. I thought nothing of it until I saw the manager and several staff members ask/tell her to leave. I continued eating my chips. I began to get rather worried when no one was touching her or forcing her to leave. And then my suspicions were confirmed when I noticed a strange wet patch on the ground which hadn’t been there before. It was both discussing and hilarious.

After this we got on the train where two women sat next to us. They were not sloshed as the previous two, but had had a few drinks and you could tell. We proceeded to have quite a nice conversation until we were interrupted by a shrill Australian voice. Remember who? Take a guess. Go on... Yes, it was the man from the underground and hour earlier. I only caught snippets of his conversations, but they were: “trout fish”, “I am the train driver, but it is on autopilot so you are safe” and also “can all the blond girls sit on this side and all the fuddy-duddies on the other”. What an interesting man. He even pretended to drive; which leads me to the question, why do I seem to attract drunkards and buffoons?

3: The gig consisted of three bands spread over two floors. The ground floor was massive and was cramped full of people, like cattle, and was reserved for the ‘main’ artists; while the second floor was more for talking and socialising, so they had a smaller, quieter band. The boxer rebellion were amazing as always and Nathan (singer; second in on the right) even came out into the audience; although this wasn’t as exciting for me as I know him personally so I could touch him whenever LMAO.

2: I think my hair is working. And this section is probably incorrect in one way. The guy from the station ... remember him? I forgot to mention that he kept stroking my arm. And I am not sure if it was him or the alcohol :/ But onto the two cuties, I met. The first was a long-haired blond boy who stood next to me for about 30 minutes. He was SO hot I couldn’t help but stare, and I even caught his eye. But alas, we never got to talk. The next guy however, did. I was in the bathroom (ironically looking for the blonde guy) when I heard this guy next to me asking someone if they came to see the boxers. I ignored him a few times thinking he was talking to someone behind me. He wasn’t. When we were the only two in  there, I figured he was talking to me, and we had a really nice conversation. He was quite hot as well, but a bit older than me, and when we left the bathroom we separated and I couldn’t see him after. I did find it a bit strange that he would talk to someone at a urinal: it not ‘normal’ behaviour...is it? Unfortunately, I forgot to catch his name and number, so I just know that he goes to all their gigs. Which means I have to wait until Feb. to see him again :(

1: So all in all, it was an amazing night that I will undoubtedly remember for a long time! I also got a demo of their new album that isn’t due to come out for another 4 months, can’t wait to listen to it!

So anyway, I’ll post tomorrow (technically in a few hours) and finish off my ‘coming out’ saga. About time is all I can say haha

- Ttyl Jack xx

Should I?

So today has been an average day. I got most of my hair chopped off this morning, before college. It was quite a shock to friends and family, but apparently I look good with short hair. Although I keep finding myself going to move my non-existent fringe out of my face ... it saddens me. I have also just completed a 4 month project and am SO glad I do not have to do anything else; it is also half term, so I get a week’s holiday! I am also in a good mood because I spent the night flirting with a (decently) cute boy who I know is gay. Only problem is, he is friends with my ‘group’ and goes to my college. So if I tell him, I risk letting my secret out of the bag :/ Should I do it?!

Tonight’s instalment I hope, will help those of you confront your fears over coming out via txt, internet, email ect. This is the story of how I told Eve ...

So I had always been tempted to tell Eves about m sexuality, but it was always one excuse after another. Ironically, I used to have a very large crush on her, and in more recent years: her brother (he even wrote me a message asking for a date, but that’s for another time). I only told her when I did because I decided that I would tell her best friend and I expected them to talk; with my permission or not: so I told her. I struggled quite a lot with finding an excuse to talk about ‘gay’ things, as I personally find it easier to come out if you are on the subject, and it’s even better if they ask you.  However, with her brother being gay (I know!:D) and me not being sure who the message was from, we inevitably got onto the topic of homosexuality. Fortunately for me, we often joked around the idea of me and her brother dating, so this was bound to ‘turn up’ in our conversation. And it did. But when the time came to tell her, I chickened out. I even had the perfect opportunity, where she basically asked, but I played around with the question without answering it. Finally, after about an hour of talking, I decided it was not or never. So I just came outright and told her. I told her everything: Oliver, Joe, her Brother. Everything! We then talked for another hour, and how she felt privileged as she knew before her best friend: who incidentally I told the next day.

So today’s advice?

Coming out is no different than when you do it face-to-face, providing you have the right person. Although some people may prefer to do it in person, as you can gauge their reaction and look them in the eye, making it more personal and easier to react to.

Do it quickly. Don’t beat around the bush, as more often than not, they will be accepting and just want it out in the open.

Stick with me, I’m almost done with my coming-out stories :)

- Ttyl Jack xx

UGRH!!!

Hi anyone,

Today has been just a really shitty day! I overslept and had to go in early to finish my project, which meant that I didn’t get my lye-in this morning.

(me = no sleep = bitch lol)

Then I got in and spent AGES doing my project to then find out that my hair appointment was booked for noon rather than 5pm like I asked, which meant that I spent about 20 minutes on the phone explaining how I had been re-scheduled. I then found out that she had not actually booked my appointment AT ALL, so I now have one early tomorrow morning ... which means no lye-in. AGAIN!

 (me = no sleep = bitch lol)

Then I had to wait around college until 6pm as my phone ran out of charge and so I had to wait for my dad to pick me up when we agreed. But I soon remembered that he was picking my up in town, so I had to rush in there and realised we hadn’t said where to meet, so I had to get the bus home. I missed the first one :’( and then I had to get another bus to go to my mum’s as they had left and rather than a 5 minute drive for my dad to get me, I had a 30 minute walk. Not fun.

But ok, so that was my rant for today. So tonight it is a double-bill, as they technically found out the same night: Chris and Joe.

So I was at another party, about a week or two after I told Dana, when I FINALLY got to meet the famous Joe. She was always talking about him, as they had become best friends since the start of college; which meant I was always hearing their crazy stories. One such one was that despite being gay, most of Joe’s friends did not know and therefore thought that him and Dana were either dating or fucking. So they had some fun with it. So at first I arrived early and so did Joe, so we made (very) small talk until Dana came, and strangely enough once she did show we got on like a house on fire. So us three got talking and eventually something happened. Chris made the comment “OMG! We should so set Jack ad Joe up!” which made my heart stop as I hadn’t actually told Chris yet :/ But this was the point where he had figured it out: our reaction. He later explained that he had heard some rumours – I have had these rumours since I was about 13 so I am used to them ... kinda – and so he made that comment to ‘test them’. They were right.

But at the time we covered it up and fooled ourselves into believing Chris was fooled. So we later moved into the tent (did I mention it was a camping-sleep over?) and sat down and drank and chatted. Dana pretty much forced me to come out straight away to Joe, but I didn’t mid as I knew he was gay and I didn’t know him personally at that point. Then we got into the swing of things and started to knock back the drinks and we got slightly drunk, and me and Joe were flirting ... I think :/ My memory of this night is kind of vague, but I do remember trying to play footsie with him and I think he did too ... but that may have been the drink. But regardless, before I had a chance to make my move on him, I threw up and went home. At the time I wasn’t that annoyed, but it wasn’t until after that I realised what a mistake I had made. A few days later, I went around Dana’s house for dinner and it occurred to me how jealous I was of Jake as he had apparently taken off his trousers to keep Joe warm, and all I was thinking was ‘OMG! Why couldn’t that have been me?!” and “Why did I have to go?!”. It was at this point I realised how much I liked Joe ... but that is another story for another time.

So my advice for today? Just do it! I say get it over and done with. Its like ripping off a bandaid; once it is off you can’t go back, but is over and done with ... and worst case scenario ... the air will get at it and time will heal all. It’s better to be out of the closet without true friends, then in it with false ones.

Hope this helped

Jack xx

Emily :)

Ok, so for tonight I am going to tell you the story of how I came out to my friend Emily. She is the girlfriend of Jake, and as like all of my friends ... she too, is bi. She is a lovely person and tbh the only reason why I hadn’t told her already was because I wasn’t sure if I should tell people ... in general. I have nothing against her, on the contrary, we used to date (before she met Jake, ironic?) and so I actually felt bad that she was the only one inside our little circle who I hadn’t told; so I aimed to rectify that.

 I had already come out to three other people, as I was relatively used to the process and the responses, but this didn’t / doesn’t make it any easier. We decided to meet up at Sainsbury’s and go for a walk afterwards, but to prepare her and make sure that I did intact ‘do it’, I told her that I had something to tell her. I would advise doing something similar or even just hint at the topic, as it means that they are already expecting big new and will not let you get away with it and the worst case is they will thing of something worse. Win Win. So quite soon after we met up, I told her. It came even as a surprise to me, as we weren’t somewhere private or alone, but I just told her while we were walking. This was one of my more natural ‘outings’ as I just told her without a care in the world. She took it really well and even admitted that she had suspected this for a while (thanks for telling me :/)  but I didn’t mind. If anything, I was intrigued as to what she thought of me, haha.

However, I later found out that Dana had told her before-hand, which I was a little hurt by as my ‘thunder’ had been stolen and a personal and private affair about ME had been discussed without ME. So I would say to be careful who you tell as although I didn’t mind the people Dana told (yes, there are more!) she could have (and in some cases did) tell others who I might not have wanted knowing; so just make sure that they can keep their mouths’ shut! Haha.

Short and Sweet ... just like Emily <3

So this week has been a bit better than last. Me and my friends have become a lot closer since Joel died, and have practically spent at least 3 hours a day together as a group. And that’s on top of hours spent talking on msn/face book etc.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow, can’t wait! Although I LOVE my hair at the moment, I have had it for about 4 years and I am quite tired of having the same old style each time. So I have decided to cut my hair short again, like how I did as a child. It won’t be too short (not shaven) but long enough to gel and wax it. I actually cannot wait! But no promises as I might chicken out or decide against it if my hairdresser says so :P

But, I really hurt my knee today though – 3 times – same knee – which fucking killed! I banged it on the table, then I hurt it when kneeling down to play Irish Snap and then I banged it getting into my Dad’s van. It is kind of swollen and seriously aches to the point where I can’t put much pressure on it and look like a twat going up/down stairs. Tomorrow should be fun :/

I hope tomorrow will be good, and it should be a double coming out story if I have time!

But until then ...

- Ttyl Jack xx

The Shit Continues and Dana Umlaut

Ok, so I have literally just found out that ANOTHER one of my friends has been hit by a car. Fortunately, he was not seriously hurt and escaped with just a scar. But when will people learn to drive safely, carefully and responsibly?! It shouldn’t be that hard: if you can’t do it ... don’t! I am sick and tired of people thinking that they can do what they want and getting away with it, I am not saying that they should be condemned, but they should be made responsible and face the consequences.

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

But I’m not going to let this get me down or off-track. Today’s the turn of my friend ... Dana Umlaut. (Yes it’s a pseudonym lol)

Ok, so similarly to Jake, I had been talking to Oliver about Dana and it was actually a toss-up between her and Jake as to who I told first. I even had the perfect opportunity only a few days before, as she came over to my house and we had a really deep conversation about how she is confused about her sexuality (is she gay or bi or straight ... sound familiar?) But in the end I decided to hold my tongue as I was still not 100% on the idea of coming out.

So one day we were on our way to a party (Me, Jake and our friend had just had a conversation about how we all love each other and want to share everything), so I was geared up for coming out to someone. I just wasn’t sure who. We met Dana on the way to the party and it was then that I decided I would tell her; so we decided to walk down a different route the house in question and instead we turned down the back alleyway. No pun intended ;) lol.

I tried on several times to tell her that I was bi/gay/confused and even approached the subject of her confusion a couple of times. But each time I chickened out and must have sounded like a complete idiot. I must have stalled for at least 15-20 minutes at which point the pressure was unbearable. Eventually I just stopped walking (as we were basically outside the party) and tried again. This failed. I told myself that I HAD TO DO IT, for me, so I just stood there and told her. Blunt and straight to the point ... I’m Bi. I knew that she would accept me no matter what, as she is also bi (why do I have so many bi friends? :/ ) but I was more nervous as I knew once I told so many people, it would be irreversible. Once you’re out of the closet, you can’t go back in easily. You can come further out, but not back. I realised that even with my confusion, I was at least bi-curious so I decided to tell her that I was bi ... I mean the worst that can happen is that I realise I  am gay and then it is far easier to tell her, then start from scratch. Right?

So once I told her, she gave me a massive hug and repeatedly told me how proud she was of me. This was a real confidence booster for me as it showed me how I had made the right decision and highlighted how I should have done it AGES ago. I even missed most of the party stood outside talking and gossiping with her – fortunately at the time we socially smoked (smoke at parties) so we had an excuse to be outside and alone – but I’m sure people thought there was something going on between us. How wrong they were lol. I completely opened my heart to her, I told her about Oliver, my confusion and about my feelings for Jake ... which we had a laugh at as she has a thing for his girlfriend. Irony strikes again.

 

And since that day, our friendship has grown and expanded. We share almost everything and she is one of my best friends. I love her, just not in the way most people think.

- Ttyl Jack xx

Cake and Jake

Ok, so I have spent most of the day doing homework for tomorrow ... well actually, procrastinating. I literally spent 4 hours today doing two pages of work, because I kept thinking about Joel. I was just struggling to find the concentration and motivation. I mean, why should I sit there and write about some boring sociology framework, when I should be out there with the ones I love. Living life to the fullest?! So when I finally finished my essay, I wrote a short message to my teacher appolagising for it being shit and late, so hopefully she wont yell at me too much tomorrow :/

The thing that got to me today was cake. But it wasn’t just any cake; it was Joel’s 18^th Birthday cake. As you all know, we all met up on sat (Joel’s Birthday) and we all forgot to bring a cake, so I said that I would make one and bring it in on Monday. So I started to make it and I just broke down and cried in my kitchen for about half an hour. I got really emotional as he wouldn’t be there to eat it with us tomorrow and that he never reached his 18^th. It’s just a plain sponge, but it is so much more than that ...

So onto the second part of today’s post: Jake. My coming out story.

So I had already come out to one other person, but he didn’t really count (no offence Oliver lol), but I mean, I hadn’t told anyone that I knew in person. I had a choice of people I wanted to tell, but I felt that it should be Jake, as we are best friends and share a lot of secrets. The fact that he is also bi may have played a small part in it too :P So one day we were on MSN and I had been toying with the idea of telling someone with Oliver when Jake came on MSN and we got talking. We tend to have a fairly flirtatious way of talking to each other, so will use a lot of innuendos and sexual jokes about each other, but this time we got onto the topic of sex, wanking and experiences. This is how it went ...

Jake: I still recon your bi

Me: why do you say that?

Jake: You just have a biness about you

Me: hahaha. And what do you mean “still” ?

Jake: Whoops

Me:  tell me

Jake: I just thought it for a while

...

Jake: Erm ... I don’t really know, a few years

Me: oh. You could have told me and saved me a lot of hassle

Jake: Hassle?

Me: Yh, I am [bi] lol but you can’t tell ANYONE

So that was my coming out story. Once again, I know it wasn’t anything special, but at the time it was like a sign or something. I mean, only the night before I was talking to Oliver about coming out, and then he comes out with “I still recon your bi” and I was like :O. I knew that there wouldn’t be a problem with him accepting me as he is bi too, and with the constant flirting I felt like I had to do it. Although I will say this. If there is someone who you are thinking of telling, and if they flirt with you, AMP IT UP! That’s what I did, and that was how/why he said what he did. I made it quite obvious that I was bi (and liked him but that’s another story) which put the ball in his court, so to speak. So I say, try to leave it up to them, or at the very least ease them into it with sum subtle hints.

- Ttyl Jack xx

Double-Post and Oliver

Ok, so I know that this is my second post for today, but I was in a good mood and wanted to get back to a ‘normal’ routine. So I thought that I would continue on with my initial plan to tell you all how I came out to the select few I have, in the hope that it will help you.

So I’ll start off with the first person I came out to: Oliver Preston (http://agayolive.blogspot.com/ )

I have known for a long time that I was ‘different’ and so one day I came across Oliver’s blog (I can’t quite remember how). I was so intrigued and interested that I tried to write a comment on his blog – but it didn’t let me – so I did the next best thing: I emailed him. It was very formal, explaining how I was having trouble with my sexuality and how I hoped to be able to add him on msn or facebook so that we could talk openly. Eventually, we switched from emails to msn and talked a lot more often. WE shared stories and got to know one another: sharing advice. I’ll admit that when we started to talk freely amongst ourselves, it was mainly me who was asking for the advice, but since then, he has picked up and started to contribute lol. Our conversations are a lot less one-sided and we even have our mini-gossip sessions about fit guys and ‘past experiences’ ... it’s great.

Now I know that I said I was going to write this to provide help and advice on coming out; that was a slight lie. This post is not about that, but rather how amazing being ‘out’ is. Although Oliver is gay, and I am still confused, it felt like a weight had genuinely been lifted off of my shoulders. I could talk to him whenever I needed and I was completely honest with him. It was refreshing. So I urge you, if there is anyone out there, to obviously think carefully before hand, but to consider coming out; to anyone: a close friend, a family member, even to us ... your online buddies. We won’t judge you, and will help in any way that we can. We’re all here for you!

- Ttyl Jack xx