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Sunday, 24 October 2010

The History of Joe

Ok, so I was planning on posting this a little later on, but I think you all need to know the history, before we move onto current events.
And to Mark’s delight, reader’s should beware, there may be adult content lol
So it all happened the day after the party when me and Joe first met. I was really frustrated that I chose to go home early as I was about to be violently ill and that is not really a mood-setter. But typically, as soon as I got home I was fine and already regretting it. So the next day me and Joe got talking on Facebook about SunnyD (random I know) and arranged to meet up the following weekend, in a local town. Unfortunately he lives quite far away and we need to get two trains just to be in the same town as each other; so we decided upon a mutual place (one train each). We spent the day talking and getting to know each other better; which was all we did as the town had about 4 shops, resulting in us standing in WHSmiths for about 2 hours before we started looking at the books, haha. I really REALLY liked him, and spent most of the day trying to find an excuse to get closer. I knew he was gay, and I had an inkling that he liked m back, but I couldn’t be too obvious. This meant that I spent most of the day moving my hand closer to his, helping him to hold his umbrella o that our hands touched, sitting uncomfortably so that our legs met, ect. But overall it was a relatively unproductive day. Although he did wear my jacket as he was cold <3

So after this, we began to talk regularly over Facebook chat. It started off as innocent “hi, how are you?”, and it slowly escalated into flirting, then virtual hugging and then ... more. Dana was a key element in this initial stage, as she reaffirmed to me that Joe liked me, which made me get ecstatic and excited! We met a couple more times over this period, but not much happened, until our first ... date(?). I put it in brackets as we never called it that, but it would fulfil the criteria for it. We met in him home town and then planned to move onto Reading to watch Toy Story 3. I hadn’t seen it, but he had ... 3 times. So we went for a walk (his favourite thing to do on a date) and ended up sitting down on the grass and just talking. As per usual, I was trying to meander my hand and position it next to his, in the hope that he would hold it. I even think he did at one point (or it was a hard piece of grass :S) but it caught me so off-guard I moved my hand. Then it happened.
He made some kind of joke (the punch-line escapes me) and it was like a movie. I was looking over the horizon laughing when I turned my face and looked him in the eye. The laughter faded out and the gaze intensified. We leaned in. It was like a movie, where you are sat in the audience pining for them to move closer and have their happy ever after, as the emotional music begins, bubbling underneath the surface. We leaned in and out lips touched. It was a night of firsts. WE were each other’s first willing male kiss. Things got heated and his kiss became more forceful, primeval, urgent! I loved it! Our tongues intertwined and danced in each other’s mouths. I was in heaven. Completely oblivious to the fact that we were on the top of an exposed hill. As we were kissing, our hands began to roam and the passion intensified. We had a quick grope and stood up. He held his hand out for mine and we walked into the woods. I’m a sucker for romance, and passion...
We found his favourite tree where e likes to sit and relax, and we continued to kiss. We made a few new memories for that tree. Unfortunately, we had to hurry to go and catch the train, so we left then and there. Once on the train, he turned to me and said” I think we can sneak a quick kiss” ... and we did, and he then rested his head on my shoulder and held my hand. Once the film ended, we did some shopping and sat down and talked for a while, until we went back to his home town, for another walk. This time we went down a different route and our belts were soon off. We walked further down and stood behind a large tree, where our hands began to roam again. We couldn’t keep them still. That evening was one that I will never forget. It was hot, passionate, dangerous. I worked my way down his body and sucked his cock. I was surprised how it tasted and felt, but I liked it. I was also surprised at how it tasted and the fact that I could tell when he was coming. I missed my train.
We met again a few times and the same stuff happened: it was becoming the norm for us. But I got the distinct impression that I liked him FAR more than he liked me, which was strange because it was usually the other way around. It was just before we were due around Deni’s house (see previous post) when I decided to have ‘the talk’ with him. I had to know what we were; were we fuck buddies, friends ect and concluded by asking him out. Although the first time I said it, it was kind of cryptic and he missed it; but the second time he got the message loud and clear. He said that he had to wait until college started to see how things went, which was fair enough. But my world came crashing down on me a matter of weeks later.
We net up once again, where we first met alone, and went for a walk. He was off with me from the start, but I ignored it and blamed it because we were 15 minutes from his college. He basically refused to kiss me, so I was just happy sitting with him and bought his excuse of being ill. He lied. The next week when we met up, he said that he did not want a relationship, so I said that I felt the same way. I lied, but it was to avoid the subject and stop myself from bursting into tears there and then. But I felt too guilty for lying and misleading him, so I texted him the next day and told him. He took it quite well, but we hardly spoke since then.
What’s worse? I am completely in love with him and divided in two. Do I keep him and be used as a fuck buddy? Or do I loose him and hope we can be friends? I know I made the right choice, but I can’t seem to get rid of that last sliver of hope. Then there was last night ...
Ttyl Jack xx


jaygeemmm said...

There could be a lot of reasons why Joe doesn't want a relationship. Friends with benefits, who knows, only you can make that decision. Technically, an orgasm is a set (or 2) of sex organs and some friction. If you like Joe as a friend, then be friends, and ditch the sex, it will just complicate things. But he's said, for whatever reason, he doesn't want a relationship, so perhaps a clean start is the better choice.

I know I tried like hell to generate a relationship with my "first", but it never worked. Of course, neither of us were even close to being out, so it would have been an "only when we could alone times and places" which is tough at your age. Even with the freedom you've got to come and go. It was better for us to go our separate ways, though when we wound up at the same parties, or working together in the theatre, we were fine.

Peace <3

Jack said...

I know, but i am a paranoid person lol, so i asume the worst haha. And i dont like the idea of being a fuck buddy as it just sounds like they are in it for the sex, but its more complicated than that :/
And i know you're right, its just complicated when something happens to rekindle that spark of hope you had, and you just keep holding on :(
Jack xx

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack

I've caught up with today's posts, including the one about last night.

My inclination would be for you to try to talk with Joe, to explain how you feel, and to try to find out how he feels, including why he doesn't want a relationship. But he might well not want to do that, at least for the time being - perhaps he's confused too?

If a relationship with Joe is not an option, then I think you should aim to be platonic friends only. The "friends with benefits" situation might be tempting in that it means you get close to him, at least physically, but it seems to me most likely that it will just cause you more pain as he won't reciprocate the emotion that you feel. I can't help thinking that a clean break would be better: more painful in the short term, probably, but healthier for you, and I think him, in the long run. But that's just my opinion - as Jay said, only you can work it out.

Take care


Jack said...

I have tried talking to Joe beefore, and my onliy reservations is that he migh not want to talk to me. We have talked in the past but he didn't give me a reason WHY, but i think i will try again ... just in case, and i wwill be more forceful lol (but not demanding).
I deffinately agree with the friends only approach, i decided that pretty quickly in the morning lol, but well said :) Although i am not sure if i could cut him out entirely :S
Jack xx

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