Delay

Hey guys, i know i said i would post soon but that might be delayed for a little while as my laptop charger has just broken which means until it gets fixed, there will be basically zero blgging.

Sorry for the inconveniance, jsut thought i'd warn you that i wont be arround x

Return to the Land of Blogging

Hey Guys,

So um, as promised i have returned to the land of blogging. On schedule too ... if i'm not mistaken (which is a rarity of me)

Ths is just going to be a short post saying hat i am well and everything because i have some big posts planned for the next few days explaining all.

But in the mean time i jsut wanted to appolagise for what happened. I am sorry that i did it and that i had to put you all through it, it was selfish of me and wrong, so i'm truely sorry.

I also want to extend a massive thank you to Peter and Brad, who have been my connection with all of you guys. They not only updated my blog but they updated (or created) their own, about my condition and everything, so thank you and please give a round of applause to them, they deserve it...

[holds for applause]

and if you havn't already, please pop on over to their blogs:
Peter's
Brad's

So um, i think thats it. Sorry and thank you (again) and talk soon xx

getting better?

16:05] Peter: bitch whats up[16:06] Jack: not much ho[16:06] Jack: you?[16:06] Peter: bored[16:06] Peter: bitch


yeah he is def! feeling better lol Love<~Peter~>

Lost and lonely

If you want to get more updates on Jack and his condontion please check out Lost and Lonely at http://no-light-to-see.blogspot.com/   and thank you for all the emails Jack is still doing good but his his new meds are making him a little sick     Love<~Peter~>

Catty friece

Today though Jacks arm is bruised from the needles at the hosp he is doing a lot better. He is still resting but he did get online with me and also got on webcam looking fine as hell as ever. He even went to the movies with his sisters. He is trying to figure out some things before returning to blogging like him giving his mom his blog url on that night and if he wants to return to blogging start a new blog or what? I have advised him to stay here since he could not tell followers where to go and that his readers are here. But I assure you between the webcam session and the group chat with me and brad.  Who I had a phone convo with last night where we were very james saint james and micheal. Lol... We are ery alike and though we sometimes have our claws out we actaully enjoy each other company very much so....it is delightful to have someone to talk to about this that knows jack and other things without him being in my circle and telling everyone.

But Jack of course thanks everyone for their comment and sends his love. He is always checking his email so if you wish to send him e cards to get well soon please do. And he understand no one thinks less of him over this and everything like that he just needs time to find himself.   Hang in there while he does.   Love<~Peter~>

Love<~Peter~>

Hey guys this is Peter taking over for a while yes I have permission from Jack to do this. Even though I could have just done this yesterday when my permissions wouldnt work on commenting hmm Jack I wonder why. But Jack has had a long day and will not be posting for a little while he has some things to work out and right now is reovering he is now in contact with me through texts. Thought I will not say what happened I will say it was failed and that he is now home resting. Please stop any needing medical or professnile help comments as Jack has a fear of doctors and/or counsulars and I really do not need these sorts of comments to upset him when he comes back which is why they have been removed from the blog and and the parts not protianing to them repost as a comment from under this blog post.

too jack I love you and I always will I wish you did not do this but I am glad it failed and we have a lot to talk about....

Thanks guys for all the help and things of that sort now it is time for Jack to start over and figure things out and I am sure when he is up for it agian he will be back to blogging as always Love<~Peter~>

Final Farewell

Hi guys,

So um, i dont really know what or how i should say any of this, so please stick with me and just remember, that um ... well, i'm sorry.

I have been unhappy for a very long time. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and well, sometimes most of the time i feel like the safetybar's havn't desended. I'm just left clinging on for the hopes that i will survive. And up until now i have managed to hold on with all my strength.

But my strength is failing me.

I would love to sit here and say how the world is a terrible place and all that, but well, its not. But the truth is, i'm just so cold that i dont want to go on feeling like this. I cant stand this empty feeling that i'm having.

I've fallen beyond your reach, too deep for anyone to help me out.

Breathing has become such a task for me. Every day is a struggle. A fight that i'm loosing.

I hate the cleche "when you read this it'll be too late" ... but well, its true none the less.

Life is nothing more than torture and pain for me. I dont live, i just ... exist. And i dont want this any more. I have fought this battle for so long, and i'm tired. The only reason why i have lasted this far, is because i was too afraid as to what it would do to everyone else. I could withstand the pain in my heart if it meant that others wouldn't have to feel it. But not any more.

So here it is. The end of my journey. And it just wouldnt be a 'Jack' post if i didnt leave you with a few songs that express how i feel. But dont be sad for me, for how it all ended, know that this last month, since i decided that i was going to kill myself, has been the happiest i have been in a long time. It have me hope and lifted me beyong what i ever thought was possible.

So the wounds can heal and the scars can fade, but i hope the memory will always be there.





You have all been there for me, these last 10 months, riding along with me on this rollercoaster that i call life, and you have all changed my life so much. I wouldnt be the person i am today without you, and i honestly cant think how terrible my life would have been if you wernt all there with me.

You gave me strength, courage and love when i needed i most. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to help me up from the pits i put myself in. You were more than friends to me, you were family. And i am truely sorry to put you all through this. You dont deserve this.

I'm sorry.



And i just want to single out a few people ...

Mark
You were there for me in ways that no one else will really understand. You gave me support when i needed it and encouragement. You made sure i was safe and content, so i thank you. You asked me if i was planning anything, and although i didnt lie to you, i did misdirect you so i'm sorry. But the truth is, i am happy and i am glad i am finally free of this torment.


Naturgesetz
You were the ony one who was overly concerned about my intentions. You figured it out when i didnt expect anyone to, and whats more, you went above and beyond trying to save me. Your post about me shocked me and at first i wanted you to take it down incase it worked, but i soon calmed down and decided otherwise. So thank you for caring about me so much, it really was a touching sentiment.


Wayne
Although we have rarely seen eye to eye, and some of your comments rub me up the wrong way, you were always there trying to lend support. And what i didnt realise was that your comments were not really for me, they were for every one else. For those who may come accross my blog with the same problems but different circumstances, and you tried to be the voice of reason. I'm sorry i didnt notice this before, and please, dont ever stop.


Jay
You have been there from nearly the very first post. You were one of my first followers and your still with me today. But you have always tried to reach out and talk to me. You were not just follower, you were inspirer to some of my posts and friend to me. You have experienced this rollercoaster yourself and i am glad i had you with me on mine. I am terribily sorry for your father, and how brave you have been through this whole process, and i am even more sorry for having to do this to you as well, but i just have to. Its the only way out and i want it all to end. I'm sorry and hate that i have to do this to you, especially.

Bill
You dont comment on my blog like most people, and well, i dont even know if you'll see this but i have to say goodbye properly to you. You tracked me down on MSN about 3 weeks ago and talked every day since. I didnt really talk about my problems to you but you provided relief in other ways. You enabled me to escape from my life and be who i wanted to be. You gave me the life i dreamed of but could never have, so thank you


Peter
And peter ... you know i will always love you. Even though we are no longer dating, you are still my baby. You always will be. I am truely sorry for the way i said goodbye to you, i knew it would hurt you badly, but i also needed you to know it was the end. I hated having to hurt you and i'm sorry. I know you will probably be the most upset at my passing, but you are not alone. There are those out there who are waiting for you and for your love. You have so much to give, put mine to good use x

Goodbye baby, i love you and always will ...

Destructive

Destructive things always have to leave sometime or another ...

Drunken Drama

So Ariel and Ursula have just got in a massive argument.

I came back from spending some quality time with a close friend, and came home to well ... this.

I missed the beginning of the argument and i wont repeat what it was about ... but long story short Ursula was calling Ariel a bitch and a slag and all that, to which Ariel retaliated with simmilar comments and stormed off.

To later storm back in and try to have the final word.

To which Ursula made another snide comment in return.

To which Ariel retaliated and walked off.

Ariel was incredibly upset about the whole thing. I went upstairs after to make sure that she was ok. She told me that she used to idolise Ursula and "how could she be such a bitch?!". I know exactly what she means, she is right but at the same time, she is also wrong.

Ursula is and she isnt a bitch. I have grown up getting shit from her and making me feel worthless, but at the same time, she does have those times where she is incredibly nice and thoughtful and selfless.

Ursula gets like this from time to time and she has the ability to brush it off easily, so she wasnt as affected by the argument as Ariel was ... externally. But sometimes i do wonder about how much she hides from the world.

They have been drinking and sometimes i just want to slap them and make them listen, because they dont hate each other! They really dont, they have jsut had too much to drink and have a lot of pent up frustrations that all come tumbling out one by one at the drop of a pin.

I mean, i KNOW Ursula loves Ariel. Even after the argument, she went after Ariel to make sure she was safe. She even took the house phone incase Ariel tried to call her (obviously it wouldnt work, but hey! its the thought that counts). She then came up and asked me to try and call Ariel's mobile because she lost it, but she didnt want to upset her further ... hence me doing it.

I KNOW they love each other, and i think Ariel put it quite nicely. "We all try to be perfect ... but we all fail". Yes that is true, but it is that trying that makes us good people.

If this world were void of love and kindness, then it would be hell. I know that they love each other, at least as much as i love them but sometimes it is so hard to see it through all the shit.

Pretty soon i wont be here to help sort things out, and i know they dont need me to but sometimes they just need the voice of reason in their heads. Sisters fight ... but they still love each other.

It is just them getting caught up in the moment and things getting out of control. They let things slip out that they dont mean, or that that they dont mean in that way, causing a massive argument and hurt feelings, when it could have been resolved if they had just calmed down and talked about it.

I love my sisters, no matter what and no matter where i am, i just hope that they will emember that and remember that they love each other as well...

You Drive me Crazy Half the Time

So this is a post that i promised i would write for my friend Brad.

I met him about a month and a half ago, and we have talked on and off since then.

But he is usualy there for me when i need him and want him to be ... usually lol.

So as promised, this post is about how i feel about him. So here goes...

When i first met him i thought we seemed really nice and kind, and cute. I will be honest in that i had a crush on him and i couldnt wait for him to come online.

But i have this thing where i get a crush on someone and it is only temporary. My mind seems to find it difficult to establish the difference between friendship, love, lust etc, which results in me having a crush for a while, giving me time to figure out what i feel towards that person.

And Brad is no different.

As time moved on, i grew to see him more and more as a friend. This has its roots in several different areas.

Firstly, there is Peter. He broke my heart and he allowed me to see how difficult it is to have a relationship with someone in another country ... especially America. Sure it was perfect at the start, but it was a constant fight. It was months of sleepless nights and early rises so that we could see each other. Even once we found ways to communicate online, and even face-to-face, we were still never really face to face. And that takes it tole on a relationship. And i promised myself that i would never do it again.

I know ... what if ...

But thats just it ... what IF!

Then there was the fact that i was getting more involved with Emo Guy at the time. And although Brad has a much more desirable personality, Emo was close to me physically and he was someone who i could touch and hold. We could meet up and spend days on end together, whereas with Brad it would be a few hours every now and then ... whenever we were both online ... a coincidence.

And then there is the fact that i knew i would be moving away very soon and that it would be crazy for a while.

But then after me and Emo ended, although i was free again, i decided that love was too much hastle and pain for me and that i didnt want it. I decided that even if i REALLY wanted to love someone, i wouldnt let myself and put mself through all of that pain again. I was better off without it and being loveless for the rest of my life. Not neccissarily cold and distant, but just cold enough at the core to make sure that no amound of thawing could melt me.

I had given up on love because it had give up on me far to many times.

So these things gathered together and once my crush ended, like i suspected it would, i was left with a good friend, without all of the complicated 'love' or 'relationship' stuff.

Sure, maybe in another time or place, something might have happened, and a part of me wants that to be the case, but wanting isnt enough. I may WANT it to happen, but that doesnt mean it SHOULD. I cant open myself up to anyone for a long Long LOng LONg LONG time and i'm afraid thats is how it is meant to be.

Now i am truely sorry for the way that this has been worded, because it sounds cold and heartless, and i dont mean it to come across that way, its just i dont want it to be missunderstood by anyone (cough, Wayne, cough lol).

Brad is, and always will be, my friend, which means a lot more to me than an IF or a PERHAPS. He means a lot to me as it is and i wouldnt want to change that because of who and what i am.

He said to me earlier that "you drive me crazy half the time" ... well you do too lol.

And i wouldnt have it any other way ...

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminologicial Inexactitude

So a long long LONG time ago, i mentioned rumours and how they have affected me. This was way back before i came out and was the main reason why i didnt come out straight away (no pun intended). I promised that i would write about them and so i pushed it aside ... out of sight out of mind, so here is that fated post

...

I've had rumours about me since i was a kid, everyone does. Its only natural and a part of growing up.

You get used to them, and usually you arn't even aware of your behaviour changing towards others, because of the rumours about them. But you do. Inevitably, you do...

So the time came and i moved into secondary school and you kind of get over rumours.

Or at least thats what i thought. apparently, you dont.

In those 5 years of my life, i was in a living hell. So many rumours spread around about me i didnt knowwhich ones were more rediculous. But that wasnt the problem, the problem was the way i was being treated because of them. I HATED not knowing who started them as well, but in some cases, i even debated if they were true or not.

Now, these rumours varied imensly. Some were simple little ones about who i liked and if i was dating anyone. Like, i remember being on a school trip to Switzerland, where i was friendly towards Dana, and she had a crush on me ... so of course everyone then started to say that i liked her and that we were actually dating.

A little white lie that wasn't too bad, i just had to talk to Dana about it and reafirm my lack of feelings towards her, and it would die down eventually.

It did, fortunately.

Others were more hurtful to me. I remember that on another school trip tp Paris, i had a huge crush on one girl. I mean HUGE! I spent every moment trying to talk to her and she talked back, everything was going well and i thought that she may even become my girlfriend (she did ... eventually).

So we were off to a flying start, and got on incredibly well, when on the trip there i think it was, i fell asleep. Next thing i know, she will barely talk to me, wont look at me and spend the rest of the trip with another guy. I had no idea what had happened! No idea at all!

I spent the rest of the trip being humiluated and practically ignored by everyone, as they all laughed behind my back. I hated it and what was worse, i had no idea what i had done.

It was only after the trip had ended that i found out what had happened. APPARENTLY, when i had stood up and stretched after falling asleep, i had 'exposed' myself to her, but i had absoloutely zero recolection of this and no real understanding as to how it could have happened without me realising and everything.

Regardless of if it was true or not, i will never know, but the damage was done. She had spread it around like wildfire and my trip, my reputaion and my happiness were dashed. She even threatened to put it in the yearbook, for not only our whole year to read, but for our whole year to read .... forever ... imortalised in a book.

But one of the worst rumours i had during my living hell that was school, was the one about my sexuality.

This one was not direct where people ignored me or anything, nor was it one where i could jsut talk to the person affected and assure them it wasnt true. No, this one was far worse than all put together, for this one was sneaky, secretive and unconfrontational.

It had my best friends in the whole world wondering if it were true, wondering about everything they ever knew about me, but no one confronted me about it. No one asked me if it were true. No one gave me a chance to defend myself. No one even told me for quite a while, it took me forever to even hear this rumour!

I felt so alone, so isolated from everyone. I had very few friends as it was, and now i had people questioning who i was, behind my back. Not caring enough to confront me about it or to stick up for me.

And boy, did my Terminological Inexactitude Accelerate with Velocity ...

Results

Media                      A
English                     B
Sociology                C
Maths                      D

Run Away

So this is the end of my whole, self-reflecting story-segment that i've been doing lately lol.

When i was a kid, i felt overlooked and unappreciated, i couldnt help it, and it just wanted to run away. Get as far away from here as i could. The more distance, i would tell myself. If i was gone, they would have to miss me and maybe, jsut maybe, they would want me back.

I ran away a total of 17 times.

Each time was different. It began at a VERY young age. I dont remember how old, but it was at the time where i was too afraid to actually run away incase something dangerous happened to me. So i would write a note saying i'm running away and i never want to see them again, and would hide in my little wardrobe.

Sounds cute i know, but i was deadly serious. I was intrigued to see how they would react and if they actually cared for me at all.

The first time they had a brief search before they found my hiding. From then on, they wouldnt even search. I left hurtful notes about how i "hated Ariel" for this that and the other, which apparently only made my running away attempts all the moe cuter ... enough so that they kept these notes, but not enough for them to look for me.

As i grew older, i branched out. I decided to venture out into the great wide world rather than hide in my crampt wardrobe. Still not a word from y family. It was like i had never even left! So i decided up to the antics.

... perhaps they didnt see my note?! i would think, so i would put it in increasingly more obvious spaces. And more obvious. And more obvious...

At one point i even put up an Umbrella in the hallway blocking the stairs completely, and attached my note to it. I later found out Ariel had taken down the Umbrella and hadnt even seen the note ... or cared...

So it got the the stage where i would be gone for hours on end and no one would even notice i was gone. So i wrote another note and this time i hid on the shed. It sounds sad, but i HAD to know what they said when i wasnt there, or if they even noticed i was gone.

Turns out that they all thought i was upstairs in my room for several hours. This actually really upset me. I mean, how could my own family not realise that i have been missing all day?! Even WITH a note?

Did they just not care?

But you see, the reason why i was even more upset was because my sister Ursula had ran away from home once before and it was completely different.

I cant remember why she ran away, or if she did even run away, but the point is, she was missing for one night and my parents did everything possible to find her! They sent out a search party and spent practically all night looking! I remember a helicopter but that may have just been coincidence.

My family cared more about my sister leaving than they did about me.


Nowdays i could be gone for days on end before they even realised i was missing. FACT

Happy Birthday

So its my nan's birthday today ... RIP

An Active Service

So i've been reading this book that has been sat on my shelf for a good few years and i've finally gotten around to reading it.

“An Active Service traces the story of a young Sid Dowland from civilian life into the tough environment of the Guards Depot in the 1930s and then on to a Guards Service Battalion in London and pre-war Egypt. The outbreak of war finds Sid taking part in the retreat to Dunkirk and then service in North Africa before volunteering for the SAS. Captures after a disastrous raid in Sardinia, he escapes from the Prisoner of War Camp in Italy before making it back to England. The end of the war does not signal peace, as the Guards are sent into action in Palestine and subsequently to the jungles of Malaya, where sis finds that his SAS experience is in great demand.”

This is a really good summary of the book (taken from the inside cover) but it does leave out some interesting things, such as:

• It was due to hs platoon (the Second Battalion) that they re-titled a hill near Eweibid Station, 'Grenadier Hill';
• Sid was the only person who failed to light his firework in the middle of the Corination paraid in Alexandria;
• He even got transferred to the First Batallion and was permitted to drive into the Royal Palaces many times;
• He was personally inspected by 2 different kings during his first two years,
• When he returned form Egypt he was permitted leave to visit his famil, where unfortunately his dad died two days later of pneumonia

Sid even went on to find the love of his life in 1940 and after 11 long years of being deployed and short stays with Pat and her two sons, he eventually proposed to her. They eventually moved to Lybia in 1953, before settling back into a civillian life near to london some years later.

Sid had a long and full life, dying suddenly in October 2002, at the age of 85.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still remember him in the hospital, my great-grandfather ... the war hero ...

Regrets

Since i was a child, aged about 7, i had wanted to be a writer. Despite constantly changing what career i wanted to go into, i knew that in a perfect world, i would be a writer.

I wanted to bing some joy to others that i had felt when i read books. I wanted people to see my work and read it over and over again, like the likes of C.S. Lewis. I wanted people to remember me.

I decided to write a series of books about the childhood games that i used to play with my best friend. I spent years perfecting the story arc and coming up with names, writing and re-writing them and finaly i began to produce something of passable quality.

My first novel Life by Moonlight was born.

You see, this was going to be my legacy. I knew that as long as i completed at least this novel, that i had been planning since i was such a small child, then i could leave this world happy.

I would have produced somehting that might influence someone. If just one child picked up my book and liked it, perhaps teaching them something along the way, then my life-long goal would be complete.

For you see, i dont have regrets, i dont believe in them. But i do have things that i want to do in my life and things i would ordinarily be upset by if they never came true.

I mean, as i write this, i know the chanced of me completing this novel are steadily growing slimmer, and before a few weeks ago i would have been really upset. This one thing that i wanted to leave behind for others to see and remember me by would be lost along with me.

But i realised that i do have something that i've left behind for others to remember me by. Yes, there is the whole lovey-dovey stuff about memories and love and all that, but i mean stuff that people who dont know me or wont know me, may have the chance to.

My blog.

This blog has documented most of my thoughts, fears and wishes for the last 10 months. I have poured my soul into this blog and i hope it shows. This IS who i am, and it will be here long after i'm gone. Most people ownt know it is there, but hidden within there is advice for those who need it, a lgiht for those who are lost and inspiration for those who lack it.

No, i dont have regrets, but i hope ... i leave a memory behind me.

Innocence

So i was cleaning out my bedroom when i came across two finger pupets that i made when i was a child, with my nan.

This was quite a while ago, when i had a finger puppet stage and everything, and i carried it arround everywhere!

I used to make my family sit through hours of my little plays, or even jsut doing them on my own. I had always been a creative child and here was a way for me to get out all of the different stories and ideas going arround in my head.

My nan noticed this and one day she decided that we would make out own ...




Mine and my nan's

 She was an excelent sewer and she did most of the sewing on mine, but she taught me from a young age so i did some and designed it etc. We even used some hair from a clown's wig she had, so that we could get the colours.

She really was amazing ...

And i remember another time, way way WAY back when i was a kid, me and my sisters stayed over her house one night and it was one of my most prized memories because, it seemed so perfect and so innocent, that i can barely recapture any of it.

What i mean by this that, i was at that age where although i remember what happened nearly perfectly, and i could remember how it looked and felt, i cant fully picture it nowdays. If i went to their house (which has barely changed) it just feels ... different.

I've grown up and the innocent and magic of that time and that memoery, is forever trapped there.

I remember painting a bowl of fruit in her kitchen just as the day started to wind to a close and the light was fading. Apples, a bannana, a pear, an orange towards the front. Me and my sisters sat at her table, painting the bowl that was on the end of her kitchen counter.

I remember going to get ready for bed and brushign my teeth. Running down their hallway to their WC, back when their toilet was in a seperate room to their sink ... before the renovation.

I remember sitting about a foot away from the television set as we all sat down and watched Stars in their Eyes. Me, then Ariel, then Ursula, nan and grandad say  against the other side of the living room, watching us just as much as the program. I dont remember who sang or who they sang as, that part is forever lost, i just remember being so happy there, so innocent, so naive.

Then we would rush arround the place trying to not go to bed, pretending we wern't tired, before finnally being put to bed in her dining room on the floor. My sisters next to the stairs and me next to the raidiator, talking into the late-night. Kitchen light being left on to permiate the darkness, guiding us.

You see, these times in our lives change. Sure the memories stay the same, some lost and some imortalised, but as you grow older, as you loose your innocence, you are left hollow. Full of these memories that you can picture perfectly and remember how they feel, but at a loss as to why the present feels so completely different.

The magic of the world leaves you ...

Life by Moonlight: Part 6

Last Time:
               Then after a short while, they emerged in the shadow of a giant willow. Will remembered playing around the base as a child and made him think that even the oldest of things can have new life in them. With some help. Merchants had been welcomed here centuries ago, and had stayed in the same spot, year after year. The giant spindly arms caressed the tops of the wagons, parked beneath. Crisp white, striped with an earthy green, as the leaves tumbled down the branches, desperately trying to reach the warm embrace of the ground. Laughter filled the air as young children ran and played in the local fields of lavender. The sent flowing, and mixing with the ash of the cooking fire.

          ...

     

The small group was warmly welcomed in a bustle of motion, and were soon consumed by children. They immediately stopped their games, to investigate the strangers approaching. They were not fearful and scared, because it was not the travellers’ way. From a young age they had been trained in several fields of expertise and had learnt who they could trust, this was an important life skill. The children simply wondered over to the group and led them into the centre of camp. Although valliens were a rare sight, to be seen this far within enemy lines, they were greeted by waves and smiles, from the travellers. The occasional passer by, ventured over and welcomed the three, but the majority of the camp continued on with their daily chores.  Eventually they made it to the small glade that Eoghen’s wagon was situated. It was right at the back of the camp, backed up against the trunk of the eternal tree. Bathed in a flickering emerald light, it seemed homely and familiar to the friends.  

The interior was cramped but cosy, and reflected the travellers way of life. The walls were constructed of drawers and hidden compartments. . It meant that everything needed was close at hand, while nothing fell during transport To anyone alien to their way of life, this might look cluttered and confusing, but Will and Aurora quickly learnt their way around the wagon. . The covers were painted a bright yellow, in a failed attempt to make them less noticeable There was clutter everywhere, boxed and crated were stacked at the side, while cages and other objects hung precariously from the ceiling. The only furniture in the room was a bed, covered in blankets and tucked away in one corner. It was evident that its function was for both entertaining and for sleeping, but this was common. Fine tapestries and carpets were draped on the walls and floor, adding a personal touch, to this otherwise emotionless room. Some of the rugs were piled up near the bed, as extra seating for when there was company. The scented warm air reminded the group of a warm summers evening and of times long gone.

They talked late into the night, till the stars shone like beacons to the world below. Then when at last they went to leave, they said their goodbyes and emerged under the star filled canopy of leaves. The air was cool now and everything was covered in a silver blanket, from the moons light. The night was refreshing, like many were at this time of year, and the two friends walked home in silence, thinking over what has been said that night.

Will crept in later on. The giant oak door creaked on its hinges and echoed throughout the silent house. The fire had been extinguished, long ago and the air had since had gained a chill. Only the strike of his boots, hitting the wooden floor, was audible and soon even that sound was silenced.

It crept through the undergrowth, searching, chasing, hunting. Inch by inch, it stalked forward, hunched over in the darkness. Clouds obscured the moon and cast a shadow over the valley floor. The air was abnormally cold and the woods as silent. There was no life around the half-human creature. It was as if it was sucking the life out of everything. The sounds usually found within the woodland were strangely absent and nothing stirred. The air was stale and had the distinct odour of death about it. The ground was hard and frosty beneath him. Then, with a sudden bolt of its head, it was off. It didn’t run, as so much floated, forwards. The trees rushed past, as the creature advanced. Certain on its prey and unveering, it rushed on. It broke free of the tees and emerged into the streets. Houses on either side, the creature proceed. Suddenly, the creature was inside a house. It didn’t know where it was, or why it was there, it knew only one thing. To kill whatever it found inside. The stares were behind it as it moved down the corridor, certain on its course. Then it came up against a large oak door that opened instantly. It emerged in a small room that had one door leading off of it, but this was unimportant. The creature was only interested in the pile of blankets, in the corner. As the creature approached, the mass of sheets turned and a face appeared. He looked familiar, to the creature, like a distorted memory, but this was soon forgotten. Two pointed ears were visible underneath a mass of dark brown hair. The creature lent forward, as if to whisper something, and –

Will sat upright at an instant. Sweat covered his body, glistening in the light and streaking down his back. His eyes were wide and frantic, searching his surroundings for any sign of life. It felt like his heart was about to be ripped out of his chest, as the beats softened back down to a humble throb. But he was used to these dreams; he was used to long hours in the night where sleep would evade him. Hours of searching for the ever-elusive dreariness that would inevitable claim his havocked body. But sill, this dream felt different. He had never seen the other side of these dreams. Each time he experienced these abnormal dreams, he was himself, free to act and feel as himself, but this time was different. He felt trapped and constrained. Required to do someone else’s bidding. But worse. He had wanted to. That blood-thirst and fury he had felt were his own. He was not a captive in his dream. He was the capturer.

***

The slanted rays of springtime beamed down into the valley on a beautiful day as always; perfect blue shy unmasked by anything. ‘Yes, today was going to be perfect’ Will thought to himself as he wondered through the valley greeting the neighbours he had known all his life. Mrs Parthol, Aliceina Broben, Old man Wolfam, kind greetings gently passed amongst one another and the occasional wondering comment as to his family and farm but nothing substantial. Mostly all conversations were about the big festival that was held in the valley once a year, a time for joy and laughter enjoyed by all, to celebrate the onslaught of summer. The days grew longer, the nights warmer and then the work really began in the valley as most of its inhabitants were small time specialist farmers. Sure the summer had, gruelling, back breaking work but it provided enough sustenance to support a family and enough spare to sell at the farmers market. It was a huge town celebration in the centre of the valley, encasing the river crystal, that was the sustainer and supporter for the valleymen.  Huge banners ran down the dirt paths following in the footsteps of the humble homes of the village, colour awash, everywhere people’s senses were overpowered: delicious scents from the dozens of kitchens baking the morning away, swirls of bright unnatural colours towering above the people as the banners cascaded from building to building, children laughing and singing in the distance drawing people towards the crowds and the festival.

Yes. Today was going to be perfect ...

Television

I've always watched childish television programes.

I can't help it. Its just what i do.

Not everyone understands why i watch the shows i do, some think its strange, others think its abnormal and well, some agree with me haha.

Now, dont get me wrong, i'm not talking about Barney, teletubbies or the tweenies. No, i'm talking about Pokemon, Digimon, Blabelade (for a short period), Yu-Gi-Oh, Naruto etc

Yes, these shows are marketed towards children, but so what if i like watching them. My family doesnt understand why, not many people do, but i have my own reasons, even if no one bothers asking for them.
I watch them because they remind me of happier times.

I can pretend i'm a child again, responsibility free and all that

Its an easy escape from my life ...

Coral

So it is only a matter of time before my family come across my blog, so this post may take a slightly different form than usual.

As i mentioned yesterday, my dad has a new girlfriend called Coral. They have been dating for quite a long time (about 6 months i think) and have gotten kind of serious ... even if they dont addmit it.

She is a lovely woman and i do enjoy her company, but there has been something that has been bugging me more and more lately.

Why is it that adults now days feel they must over-react and over-analyse situations when "ex's" are involved?!

My mum left us about a year ago ... well jsut over ... and although they are not divorced, they are separated and have been for the whole time.

Their marriage was on the rocks for like the last 5 years until my mum couldnt take it any more and left. Now, Coral has been divorced for about 10 years and she really does not like her ex husband so they dont get along.

But mine do!

They were married for 25 years and were best friends for most of it, and try to stay friends even now. And yes there is the whole debate over their histroy and 'will they get back together' that occassionally creeps up, but that is usually just hypothetical.

I mean, yes the ideal of father-mother reunion is always an ideal fairy tale but lets be honest ... it IS a fairy tale. The fact is, my mum missed the single life and didnt like the responsibilities she had so she tried to drop them as much as posible, and that wont change. Her feelings towards my dad wont change either, but they arn't perfect anyway.

Now that the history is over, here comes the frustrating part...

Although Coral is a great woman, i have noticed her changing my dad over time. Only little things revolving arround my mum but it is there ever pressent, and this has a changing affect on my mum too

Coral is a combination of jealous, insecure and paranoid in relatively smallish doses, but its enough.

Like, it began when we went for a celebration (i forget why) where my dad and mum went for a drink, and Coal got upset because "[she] doesnt go drinking with [her] ex husband?!" ... which is true. they dont like each other nor get on, but my parents do! So if they want to stay friends and have a celebratory drink then go ahead!

... come to think of it, i think the celebration was for me winning a couple of awards in Media Studies ... they went drinking without me.

Anyway, Coral threw a bit of a wobbly so now my dad doesnt really go anywhere with my mum on his own. But they do hang out at family events because Coral said thats the only time she really spends with her ex.

Fair enough!

So that happened, then she started to get upset that they were doing this! I mean, i understand that she is worried that they will get back together and that, but coome-on! He is in a relationship with her! You cant force someone to like you by restricting their contact with other people!

To be honest, if he is going to get back with m mum, i'm sure stopping him seeing her at a few events is going to change much.

Now once again, i am not upset at her for doing this because well i would probably try to do someting simmilar. What she is feeling is natural enough and she really is a lovely woman as is mu mum.

What i dont like is that my dad doesnt stand up to her.

He doesnt turn arround and say "actually, i am going to see my ex wife at family events and if you dont like that then i'm sorry" because he shouldnt have to change someting like this for anyone.

No one should.

My dad doesnt want to stand up to her on something like this in case he scares her away. But i think he should because that would either strengthen a brilliant relationship, or break up and crappy one. If someone is going to leave you because they cant trust you for no reason, then you shouldnt be with that person to begin with.

Now there is my dad and mum who come over and spend some time with each other or with us and they always end it with "but lets not tell Coral i was here"

They do it for the right reasons and they are happy to do it (i think) but at the same time it still isn't right. I mean, my mum came over to help us clean the other day and we arnt supposed to say that she helped.

WHY NOT?!

Is it a crime for out mother to come over and help us clean? It has absoloutely no relavence to Coral or her relationship with m father!



So Dad, Mum, Coral Ariel, Ursula ... i'm sorry if this upsets you when you read this, i really am. This is just me venting to the world something private and trying to provide a bit of help to others in this situation.

Stand up for what you believe in, no matter how small or comprimising. If you are having to change who you are or lie to others to prevent someone's feelings being hurt, then think carefully about what you are actually comprimising.

I know i made Coral out to be the bad guy in this and i am also sorry for that. I did not mean to, that is just how the story came out. I will repeat that she is a wonderful woman who is not some possessive and controling bitch, she is a warm hearted person who is slightly insecure. She is not the villain in this. There is no villain.

Just some people i am dissapointed in...

Abandoned

So i've been feeling kind of abandoned lately. I mean, my sister's are their usual selves and they dont talk to me much ... but this isnt about them. And i speak to my mum about once a week which kinda sucks ... but this isnt about her either.

No, this is about my dad.

He's had a new girlfrind (Coral) for a while now, and he seems to be spending more and more time with her and her family. And less with us. I mean, she is a great woman and all that, but it doesnt distract from the fact that i spend the grand total of about 2 hours with my dad a week ... and that is being VERY generous.

I mean, this is partly my fault because i volenteer and spend a lot of time on my own. But still, he will be home usually on a monday night, a tuesday night (when i'm out), and then a thursday night. The rest of the time, he is usually with his gf.

He takes her to concerts, he takes her to festivals, he goes to parties with her...

I kind of feel like dad is replacing us. Trading us in.

I know this isnt the case and i know that he loves us all blah blah blah, but its just how i feel.

I mean, he is due back today from being on holiday with her, and it was only about a month ago that they went away for the weekend to stay in a caravan together, and about a month before that he was on a photography trip in cornwall.

Whats more, is that he has been gone for two whole weeks on holiday and he hasn't contacted me once. He's called Ariel before, i was in the next room, when she asked if he wanted to be passed on and apparently he said he would call the house-phone in a minute to talk to us ... i'm still waiting. He's talked to both of my sisters since he has been away and its like i dont even exist to him, or if i do i'm just something getting in his way. I shouldnt be surprised that he doesnt love me and doesnt want me around any more.

I just kind of feel abandoned.

He's found a way to improve what needs improving, and all he has to do is just spend less and less time with us until we either die or move out lol. And i cant talk to him about this because i know he'll take offence to it and get all defencive. He'll blame me for 'spending so much time up in my room and away from him, that i barely see him anyway, so why am i complaining?' He may even say he'll spend more time at home with us, but he wont. As per usual, he'll say something like that, get in a mood at me for saying something like "ok" and then within an hour or two, he'll have gone back on his promise and be acting the same as before.

No, this is just something i have to accept and deal with. My mum didnt want me and so she moved out and never speaks to me. My sister moved to a foreign country for a few months to get away from me. Now my dad is replacing me. Just one more sister to go and then i win a special prize!!

I should be used to this by now though. All of my friends, since i was a child have distanced themselves from me. I rarely have a friend longer than a year, and even those fell through. We go from being inseperable and spending every living moment together, to 'i cant get away from you quick enough'.

I'm the one stood at the side of the group being ignored, just clinging on and hoping that someone will start to talk to me again.
I'm the one who wonders the court-yard alone because i have no one to spend time with.
I'm the one eating alone on the table being laughed at or completely ignored.
I'm the one crying in the toilets inbetween lessons.
I'm the one who always gets abandoned.
          I just never thought my own family would do it too

My Pendant

Now, i've been reflecting alot on my life the last few days and i've got a lot of posts planned that i've missed out. So be prepaired ...

I've had my cartouche Pendant for just over 3 years.

I got it for my 15th birthday, and had wanted one for ages! I had wanted to wait until i was 16 because i knew how special it would be to me and that i wouldnt take it off until i died, but well ... i just couldnt wait.

And this has remained true until this day. The only time i take it off is when i go for a shower, because i dont want it to rust or the leather to break. It is my good luck charm, my sense of self, my reminder of who i am.

Wikipedia describes a Cartouche as "an ellipse with a horizontal line at one end, indicating that the text enclosed is a royal name"

It goes on to explain that "the oval surrounding their name was meant to protect him from evil spirits in life and after death. The cartouche has become a symbol representing protection from evil and good luck. Egyptians believed that if you had your name written down in some place, then you would not disappear after you died."

And i think this perfectly and accuratetly descrives what it means to me.

Its is something that will live on when i am no longer here. A triggar, if you will, to remind people of who i was.

I'm not so convinced on the whole, protecting from bad spirits and all that, but who knows ... maybe thats just it working.

And i'm not sure about it being good luck or not, but idk, its been with me every step of the way. Its been at every major event that has happened since i got it. If you look back over any photo's i've posted on here, i'm sure you'll see it hiding somewhere.

In a previous post i explained how i taught myself how to write Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics so that i could write down my deepest darkest thoughts without fear of being caught and questioned. And this was just a further expansion of this. Although i wasnt using it to write with and i wasnt changing the text on it, it acted as a reminder of those times. A reminder of the dedication and drive i have when i want something as well as never to let anyone close enough to steal your throughts and publically anounce them.

A reminder to be who i am regardless of what anybody says or does.

So i really wanted a cartouche and spent AGES trying to find one that personalised them, as well, they are supposed to have your name engraved in them. I finally found one and they sent me one that said FRANK.

I dont know if it was a mistake or they just thought that they could get away with it, but obviously i knew it was incorrect and what it said, so i told them and they sent me the correct one, for free! ... i still have the old one lol.

Mine on the right

So i now had the correct cartouche and i had it for quite a while but i was getting frustrated with having such a long necklace, so i decided i wanted a shorter one.

See the difference?

Much to my family's dismay.

The ammount of times i heard "its to short" i actually lost count and it really frustrated me. I mean, i dont care if it is too short, it is exactly the right length.

There are actually a few reasonswhy i got a shorter necklace:

1. when i ran it would bounce around too much
2. I wanted to feel it against me at all times to remind me of who i am and what it means to me
3. I wanted it to be more visible than before

I had perfectly good reasons why i wanted to have a tight necklace but no one ever thought that, they just thought 'its too tight' or 'it makes you look gay' ... i dont care!

What i do care about, is how heartless and hurtful it was to hear that my reasons didnt matter and that out of everyone i knew, not one stuck up for me or asked why i got it shorter.

Not one.

So for all of you out there, just concider what you are saying to other people, and think about how it will affect them. Forcing your oppinion on someone else is not the way to go, especially when you dont give the time of day to listen to them in return.

Life

Sometimes it just feels like life is ... well ... well like this ...

Squatting Flies

No, i do not mean "Swatting flies" ... let me explain ...

This was not the post i had planned to do today but i have to get this out before i explode (or implode), and the other post requires far more effort! So i'll do it tomorow

So i just found out that the guy that my sisters have spent the last few hours talking to and lavishing with affections is actually going to be staying here for a few days.

Squatting.

Ok, so not quite squatting, but he will be staying here and will be everywhere i turn just like a fly (... hence the name :P)

And i dont have a problem with this, honestly. he seems like a nice guy and he is relatively quiet and keeps to himself and all that. no, i dont have a problem with him.

What i have a problem with is the attention he is getting from my sisters. He has only been here for a few hours and my sisters already preffer him.

They go out of their way to make sure he is comfortable, fed, has something to occupy his time, keep him company, and all that and more.

They do more for him than they do for their own brother, and they preffer his company in general. It kind of just makes me wish i wasnt born, i mean, the world would be a much better place if i never existed in the first place, without me to burden people.

They already preffer someone else to me and have barely said 2 words to me lately.

And those are to complain about me not cleaning enough, or for using excuses or for trying to get my other sister to clean more, or for eating etc

It seems that no matter what i do, i infuriate them or otherwise i am invisible to them. And here they are, with a chance to ignore me even further and pretend that this guy is their brother, or something like that.

They already love him more than they love me, and its true. They should. I mean there is no reason for them to love me more, i jsut get in their way and get on their nurves. Everyone i'm ever friends with turns their back on me and shuns me sooner or later. So does everyone i have ever dated or loved. Its a scientific fact.

I repulse people

So its only natural that even my family would be affected



I hate knowing that they preffer someone else, but i hate that i know its for a reason even more.

Foam for me, foam for you

So it was my friends' 18th Birthday the other night, so we went clubing. It was a really good night to be honest ... lots of drinking, lots of partying, lots of dancing and lots of foam

FOAM?!

Yeah haha, it was a 'foam party' at the club (main reason why we went there) and it was a lot of fun.

SO many cute guys there but they were all straight, whats more they all took their shirts off because of the foam! I did have one guy try to drag me over to dance in the foam but i was on my way outside to see my injured friend and he wasnt my type anyway.

And i must admit after a few drinks (called Paintcans, that are served in actual Paint-Cans!) i did take my shirt off too haha.

But see, i will also admit that i like to dance but i know i am shit ... with a capital S.

I know i cant dance and when i am with a group of friends (and a drink) then i really dont care. I just let loose and have a laugh.

But every so often i have these ... moments that change me drastically. I dont know why or how exactly, just that someone will say something and i will think 'OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! I can't believe i've been doing this all along, i actually cant believe it' and so forth, and from then on, i'll change my thinking about that event/topic.

One of these was with Emo Guy about a month or so ago. We went to London Pride with some of his friends and he was in a mood all day and in the evening i confronted him about it and he told me that "you made i awkward by dancing, it would have been better if you had just stood there all day, everyone felt bad. We even tried to show you some moved buy you jsut didnt try" ... and on he went and this is just ONE topic from that night.

So since then, as per usual, i will catch myself doing something and i'll think NO! STOP IT!

I hate people talking behind my back, which makes me really cautious of what i'm doing to make them think that i am weird. I know, i shouldnt care and all that but i cant help it.

Its just a confrontation between what i think i am and what i actually am.

So i mean, on the dance floor i kept saying to myself that i should stop dancing because i cant and people know i cant and i'm just ruining their night for them.

I just make it awkward.

Needless to say i continued and powered through, but i didnt enjoy it that much.

This confrontation between what i am and what i think i am is evident anywhere on me.

I mean, they say "your only as old as you feel" well thats kinda how i feel but about my looks.

Its difficult to explain but i feel like i look differently. Like, if i wasnt looking in a mirror and i'm in a good mood, i kinda imagine i'm tall, thin, tanned, muscular (to some extent) ... my features only exentuated.

I know its not real, and its more of a feeling rather than i can picture another me.

I feel hot.

But then reality will hit me and i'll think, ' no, thats not me, i'm just stood here waddling down the street. I bet people are thinking Woah! Look out for the Whale! or that there should be a little kid following me arround with a tuba'.

I look in the mirror and just think 'how did it get so bad'.

I hate my body with a passion. I go out of my way to hide it or to hurt it. I regularly wish i was someone different. anyone.

I've tried to change how i look, in every single way but it just doesnt work.

Yes, i did take my top off in a club and yes i did dance. But its a hollow victory. I was in a room filed with foam and other people to the point of near suffocation, so much so that people couldnt see you dance! And once again, the room was filled with foam, and i kept putting it on my body because i felt self concious.

I hate my body and wish for a different one on a daily basis

... but dont they feel this way too?

Shed a Little Light

Ok, so i found this on youtube and i think it may help clear up some missunderstandings and such. I dont know if you guys mean the words you say or not, but idk, i hope this helps you to understand a bit better



xx

Selfish or Selfless

Is it ok to do something that will make you happy, knowing others will be hurt, or should you be unhappy but make others happy instead??

Only Hope

So my sisters had some of their friends over last night for a games night ...

we played one drinking game and two short card games. The rest was us drinking haha.

But it was a REALLY fun night. We then decided to go to town clubbing, kind of a spur of the moment thing. I didnt do much, but i spent the night with my sister's friend's boyfriend because neither of us danced and we were the only guys there.

Got really drunk and am suffering today a bit but it was worth it. Besides, i wont be able to do this very soon.

On a side-note i also found out my sister's friend's brother came out to her the night before, and she asked me to talk to him because she doesnt know what to say ... it only just hit me that i found out her brother was at least bi about 7 months ago haha, when his friend tried hitting on me and we may or may not have kissed.

So i feel a bit bad about that, but i'll stick to my promise and i'll drop him a line.

But anyway, this post is about my sisters Ariel and Ursula.

Now i know i dont have a perfect relationship with them. We often fight and argue. Throw the odd punch. Push each other down the stairs. Run them over.

You know ... the usual sibling rivalry.

And i know i rip into them a bit on here and in life but i do love them. They are there for me when i need them and they try to love me back. Heck, half of the time it feels like they are the only ones who actually notice me.

I mean, Ursula's always been mean to me and stuff, like calling me names, blaming me and all that, but she does have these moments where you can just tell that she cares. However brief or well hidden, you can see it.

Like yesterday i was reading in my room, and well my eyes water when i read (i dont know why) and she came in to use my lappy, but she asked if i was ok and was wondering why i was crying and she made a point to tell me that she will be there for me.

I know i have a better relationship with Ariel, we are a lot alike so naturally we will get on better. We have the same sense in movies, music, we do a lot together, we spend more time together and all that, but it doesnt mean i dont love them differently. They are my sisters, and no matter how much they get on my nurves , i wouldnt change them for anyone.

No matter how much they drive me insane, i'll always be with them one way or another, looking out for them.

No matter how much i hate them, i love them.




This is my sister's favorite song from her favorite movie, and i've had it saved on here for quite a while, jsut waiting for a post i can couple it with and i think it will do quite nicely.



Its just a shame that this wont last and i wont be able to do things like this with them any more. Even the small things like standig in the kitchen gossiping, or getting ready to go out or going shopping with my nan! I'll miss being able to do all of this with them.

They've always been there for me growing up, even if it didnt feel like it, and i hate that i wont be able to be there for them when they most need it.

va te faire foutre

Because I'm Worthless

Piece of Shit

So i'm feeling pretty ... well, shit.

Yesterday my sister Ariel had a major bitch at me because i did "nothing" and therefore she "has to do it all when [she] gets home . Despite being ill and working all day".

I know i didnt do many chores that day and well i could spout out some line about how i was waiting for Ursula to do something, so i let the mess gather up a bit, but well ... the truth is, me being the worthless piece of shit i am, cant do anything right.

I can't even clean!

I know what my sister says to me is right, and it just makes me feel ashamed because its true. I just sit there and take the verbal abuse from everyone because i know that they are right. There is no point arguing the case further, or trying to explain my side because there is no point. I would just be denying the truth.

It reminds me of my childhood where Ursula used to yell and shout at me. She used to tell me how "stupid" or "pathetic" i was, and how i was "so gay!" and "fat and ugly".

Back then i had some self-worth and i was able to shrug it off for a while but eventually you start to listen. And i mean, truely listen, to what they say, and it hits you.

What they are saying is true.

Yes, shouting and yelling it does make it harder to listen and believe, but they are being honest with you. And its up to you to open your eyes and prick up your ears.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night (and day) because of the things she used to say to me. At first it was because of the things she would tell me, then it was because i knew it was true. Then because i knew i was worthless and finally because i knew things would be better if i just wasnt there.



Well, 17 more days and i wont be here anymore

Selfish or just plain Wrong?!

So i've had this post planned for about 4 months now and i've FINALY got arround to doing it. It's probably going to end up being a hypothetical questioning rant - think, so jsut bear with me lol.

So is bisexuality selfish ... or just plain wrong?!

Why do you ask that, i hear you yelling. Well it originated a long time ago, must have been arround October/November time, when my Sociology class got onto the topic of homosexuality and bisexuality, among other things.

Now this isnt actually that abnormal for us ... in one lesson, we can cover sexuality, pedophelia, beastiality, old age (including the sexual exploits of one Sticky Vicky ... shudder), abortions, monogomy and a bit of gossip lol.

So it wasn't particularly unusual to find yourself on a completely random topic (we were studying crime at the time btw lol ... so you can see just how random our class is), and this time we found ourselves talking about sexuality.

We had been on this topic once before, because we were talkign about homosexuality as being a sin (about a month before) and i simply pointed out that Leviticus in the bible also states that it is a sin to get a tatoo or to cut your hair (or something to that extent to all those bible-nuts out there) and yet we dont follow these. So you can't pick and choose what rules to follow in the bible, esspecially when they are from the same section/person.

Its all or nothing, i'm afraid.

So my class had a bit of a chuckle about me potentially being gay, to which i shrugged it off and as per usual we changed subject lol ... this was before i came out btw.

So anyway ... it was arround october/november when our class found ourselves back on this topic, when i heard something kind of shocking come from my teacher's mouth ...

"Bisexuals are just selfish personally, i mean everyone your age is now a bisexual, we didnt have that when i was a kid"

Now, she isnt particularly old and she didnt mean it in an offencive way, and its her own oppinion so i dont care that much; but it did shock me that some people think that way.

It's kind of hard to believe that there are some people out there who believe that people really DO choose their sexuality, and what's worse, is that they believe bisexuals are just greedy and selfish

... 'the best of both worlds'



To make things even more shocking is that my class went on to completely agree with her. I would have said something to argue the other side, but well ... i was naive and in the closet so i kept my mouth shut.

But at the same time, she does have a point. I mean, i think i've mentioned before that ALL but one of my school friends are either gay or bisexual, from our friendship group (and we have a theory that you attract others lol). So she does have a point that there are a LOT more bisexual people out there nowadays than like, a few years ago lol.

Is this people being more comfortable with sexuality in modern society, or is this actually just another excuse for rebellion?

Are people actually what they seem, i mean i was completely shocked at my class' reaction to this oppinion, and obviously they would have been shocked if i had come out to them then. So i mean, how much do we actually know a person?!

But i'm afraid that this old-fashioned oppinion could be going to more extreme measures in contemporary society.

There was a rumor that the watergate may be changing anf adapting, against homosexuality.

I don't know if other countries have a watergate or not, but for those that don't, its basically the concept that 'explicit' and non-child friendly content is not allowed to be shown before a certain time (9pm here), so parents know that if their children are exposed to this material, it is due to them letting them watch it past the 'safe' time.

So apparently, the government may be banning gay kissing before 9, as it sends the wrong message. I mean, they are trying to prevent and shelter children from confusing situations and trying to hide sexuality from children ... sounds respectible.

But shouldn't they ban heterosexual kissing too? I mean, isn't it sending the wrong message to the children of the world, that kissing someone of the same sex is wrong and should be hidden.

Surely if they showed it in daytime television more, true it may require a few more explanations as to why "that man is kissing that man" ... but once that is out of the way, it would send the message that society accepts you regardless of who you want to kiss!



Is this just a feable attempt to ensure that the heterosexual dominated society maintains its power?
Is this just a pathetic attempt to try to make society move backwards, and away from equality?
Is this just a shameful attempt to ensure that the responsibilty of parenting children is placed on Television instead of the parents?