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Sunday, 14 August 2011


So i've been feeling kind of abandoned lately. I mean, my sister's are their usual selves and they dont talk to me much ... but this isnt about them. And i speak to my mum about once a week which kinda sucks ... but this isnt about her either.

No, this is about my dad.

He's had a new girlfrind (Coral) for a while now, and he seems to be spending more and more time with her and her family. And less with us. I mean, she is a great woman and all that, but it doesnt distract from the fact that i spend the grand total of about 2 hours with my dad a week ... and that is being VERY generous.

I mean, this is partly my fault because i volenteer and spend a lot of time on my own. But still, he will be home usually on a monday night, a tuesday night (when i'm out), and then a thursday night. The rest of the time, he is usually with his gf.

He takes her to concerts, he takes her to festivals, he goes to parties with her...

I kind of feel like dad is replacing us. Trading us in.

I know this isnt the case and i know that he loves us all blah blah blah, but its just how i feel.

I mean, he is due back today from being on holiday with her, and it was only about a month ago that they went away for the weekend to stay in a caravan together, and about a month before that he was on a photography trip in cornwall.

Whats more, is that he has been gone for two whole weeks on holiday and he hasn't contacted me once. He's called Ariel before, i was in the next room, when she asked if he wanted to be passed on and apparently he said he would call the house-phone in a minute to talk to us ... i'm still waiting. He's talked to both of my sisters since he has been away and its like i dont even exist to him, or if i do i'm just something getting in his way. I shouldnt be surprised that he doesnt love me and doesnt want me around any more.

I just kind of feel abandoned.

He's found a way to improve what needs improving, and all he has to do is just spend less and less time with us until we either die or move out lol. And i cant talk to him about this because i know he'll take offence to it and get all defencive. He'll blame me for 'spending so much time up in my room and away from him, that i barely see him anyway, so why am i complaining?' He may even say he'll spend more time at home with us, but he wont. As per usual, he'll say something like that, get in a mood at me for saying something like "ok" and then within an hour or two, he'll have gone back on his promise and be acting the same as before.

No, this is just something i have to accept and deal with. My mum didnt want me and so she moved out and never speaks to me. My sister moved to a foreign country for a few months to get away from me. Now my dad is replacing me. Just one more sister to go and then i win a special prize!!

I should be used to this by now though. All of my friends, since i was a child have distanced themselves from me. I rarely have a friend longer than a year, and even those fell through. We go from being inseperable and spending every living moment together, to 'i cant get away from you quick enough'.

I'm the one stood at the side of the group being ignored, just clinging on and hoping that someone will start to talk to me again.
I'm the one who wonders the court-yard alone because i have no one to spend time with.
I'm the one eating alone on the table being laughed at or completely ignored.
I'm the one crying in the toilets inbetween lessons.
I'm the one who always gets abandoned.
          I just never thought my own family would do it too


Wayne said...

The situation with your dad does suck; of course if he is interested in another woman with kids then he is trying to make a good impression on them. But why would you think that her kids are better than you? Maybe re-evaluate them when they are in their twenties and are not cute anymore.
-You are starting university, and you may be surprised to find people there more on your wavelength (actual intelligence!) and not so ignorant. Your parents have a duty to support you until your education is completed no matter how you get along. Time to look out for #1 Jack and focus on your education and the exciting possibilities. Financial independence someday will also give you better control over your life; it does get better if you think long-term. Hang in there and get out and have some fun cos there is still some summer left. - Wayne :)

Micky said...

Oh well - but you know with my dad having been like he was I'd have cheered if he'd buggered off!

I suppose that if you basically like your dad then you'd want him to be in your life and so he is - but, increasingly on his own terms, eh?

Wayne is obviously right - that this Act of the play has only a short time to run and then things change in very big ways. And you get the chance to re-invent yourself in a new place with (almost or entirely) new people.

There are guys of your age who are seizing the chance to come out and get rid of all that secretive shit about not being gay - and so should you.

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