Hey, feel free to pop over to where I have a lot more content. Photographs, drawings, poems. Hope you enjoy xx

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Unconditional love and faithfulness

Ok, so this is just a short little post in responce to a comment I got from Wayne. I just wanted to make it more public so people didn’t think I was a complete arse. Even though I am lol.

Original Comment:
I'll be frank Jack; you sounded really pushy demanding that he attach special meaning to some films you watched together and some other items. What is special is the conversation you have together and the feelings you share over time. I don't know why you guys just can't talk with each other about how your day is going, the problems you both have, and the friends you meet. Ultimatums, expectations, and demands will destroy friendships and love. Gratuitous sex is one thing, but real friendship and love is a much longer process with ups and downs along the way. When you and Peter talk it should be comforting and relieving, not a source of stress. Demanding unconditional love and faithfulness while separated by thousands of miles is being unrealistic. You guys should be faithfully talking with and supporting each other; you may actually meet sometime in the future (with your boy-friends!). bfn - Wayne (hugs)


So yes, I was being demanding and everything and granted I did assume that the same things would mean as much to him as they did to me. But I do have to inform you guys about some history.

Firstly, I really really REALLY felt on the fence here, and I hate being on the fence. Constantly being told that the one person you love wants to be with you and then the next minute that he doesn’t and then the next minute he does etc. I hate it! So my emotions were all over the place.

Secondly, there is also the fact that I had given this ultimatum to him once before with practically no reply, just a shrug of the shoulders and things continued on.

So yes, I was pushy and demanding, and I oculd have put it in a better way and not been so caught up in things, but to some extent I think/hope that some part of it is forgivable.

But I also want to point out that this is only a section from what me and peter talked about. Since we broke up we’ve talked quite a lot. Almost every day frankly lol. And each of these are full of pleasantries and friendship and how the other’s day is going etc. But these conversations aren’t the first things I’m dying to put on my blog. Just because I don’t talk about something, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened haha.

And I tried to emphasise how I hate using ultimatums and how I really did feel cornered to the point that it was the only was forward. If I hadn’t done it, I would have been hung up on Peter for an extraordinary long length of time, which wouldn’t have been fair for either of us. And it would have ruined any chances of any kind of relationship.

I have some questions for you, my fellow bloggers. Did I really demand “unconditional love and faithfulness” ? because I really didn’t. I mean, I wasn’t looking for unconditional love, just that he would understand that these things meant a lot to me and that I wanted him to show me he cared (because I’m paranoid like that). As for faithfulness ... heck no! I even stated that I would have been accepting and willing for him to have ANOTHER bf if he wanted haha. But did it come across that I wanted “unconditional love and faithfulness” ??

But the last section (“You guys should be faithfully talking with and supporting each other; you may actually meet sometime in the future”) is already coming true, and I hope it does.

Jack xx

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

The Fence

Ok, so I’m really behind in my posting, but I wanted to do this as the post before I got the answer so they’d be together, but then things got in the way and stuff, so here they are together! Also,  I will say now that this post is a combination of FACT and OPINION! If I say it is what happened then it is fact, or if I say something like “makes me think” or “makes me feel” then that is opinion! Thanks lol x
So hopefully, that got your interest haha, but this is going WAY back to an old post (here) where I announced that Me and Peter had broke up.
Well since then I have felt kind of torn, because me and Peter have kept in contact but we have also said how much we love each other and wish we could be together, but then Peter says that we cant because of the distance. (which I feel is complete crap, as I was accepting and willing of ANYTHING! Like, if he had said he wanted another bf I would have said ok because I would have had him in my life so I find it a little difficult to believe that reason). But we went on and discussed it further anyway.

So basically I felt like I was being kept on the fence all the time. One moment I’m being told to move on and that we cant be together, and yet I couldn’t move on because he was saying how he loved me and wanted me back. Always on the fence, just a gentle breeze from tipping one way or another.
Eventually I said enough is enough and gave him an ultimatum: take me back now or else we will never be together again.
I know it sounds harsh ... never again ... but he had to know I was both serious and that he couldn’t just brush it off like last time. Where he just said ‘if we get back together then ok’. I could do that! Not again!
So I gave him the ultimatum (and I HATE giving ultimatums) and gave him roughly 2-3 weeks for his answer. No rush.

I will be honest now, in a way I didn’t really care what his answer was at this point, because I could either:
  • Move on and be happy.
  • We would get back together and be happy.
So I just needed his answer! I was incredibly tempted to just tell him NO ITS OVER FOEVER! Because I was certain of his answer and I hated being kept on that damn fence! But I couldn’t make the decision because then I would be left with the “what if ...” for the rest of my life. I had to at least give him the chance to have a say in it.

He didn’t.



In the end he got a bit upset and we had a little argument nad he ended it by saying that he will answer 20 questions honestly, no matter what.

But I only needed one (well two in the end).
This is our conversation:
Me: Do you have a min?
Peter: Yeah always have a min but no drama today
Me: sorry, thats probably about to change :(
Peter: Y
Me: well you know you said you'd give me 20 questions, well i only need one.
Peter: Ok, what it is?
Me: when we first started dating, i went out and bought something from the shop to remind me of you every time i used it. what was it?
Peter: You never told me about it
Me: I did, because they didnt do the right type, but it didnt stop me.
Peter: No you didn’t
Me: I did. its food. thats all i'm saying. although i have one more question after because this is simple now.
Peter: Food?
Me: Yes.
Peter: My mind isnt clickin
Me: the other question is, what was the first film we watched together
Peter: Toy Story 3
Me: You sure??
Peter: We tried watching others but never finished them
Me: did i ask for the first whole film, or the first film?
Peter: I sorry see i am crap bf not worth it
Me: dont be. i'm just interested to see if you can remember these mor subtle parts of our relationship and if they meant anything to you at all :'(
Peter: They did but to remember everything jack espeically right now when hi am stressed to hell is impossible
Me: yes, but its those hidden moments i was interested to see if you noticed. i know you cant remember everything but the way my hair fell isnt quite as substancial to me. and your not the only one who's stressed to hell :(
Peter: Ok well talk later hangin with bros
Me: ok. and keep thinking, the questions arnt over until you give up x have fun and i'm sorry xx
Peter: You are not and fine i give up
Me: K
Peter: I really love ya but yeah i am not doing this this will just lead to drama jack
Me: I really am sorry but its ok, i know all i need to know.
Peter: Good that i am not the bf you wanted? Even thought i did this instantly when i got the package
Me: did what?
Peter: The everything [placing presents/pictures/cards I send him around the room etc]
Me: and no, not because your not the bf i wanted, but that you never will be. If your not even going to bother thiking back over the 3 films we watched together, then i know this is goodbye to US, i gave you a chance, an ultematum and you didnt respond, so now i'm saying goodbye and i hope we can actually move on with our lives and can be friends. and i truely am sorry for ading drama to your drama-free day x
Peter: I guess thats how it has to be then
Me: at least its one less thing for you to stress over.


And thats it! I had to get a final answer and in the end I had to make it because he didn’t. I’m sure I over-reacted but this test had two parts to it:
  • To see if peter could remember those private and ore hidden moments that meant an incredible amount to me
  • To see how dedicated peter was to US

The second of which was the most important, and also hurt the most! He couldn’t be arsed to think back over the THREE films we watched together (only one fully) and let me know. I couldn’t be arsed to take some time and think. He just couldn’t be arsed! [Ok, well in accordance to my intro, I should state this is my opinion, but still, how else can I interpret it?!?!!]
So yh, me and Peter are officially OVER once and for all! No turning back! It still stings a lot and have cried numerous times since then, but at least now we can move on. I hope ...


I miss ...

So my friend Joe(here) has a new boyfriend. And I am happy for him, I truly am! Its just ...

I cant help but be reminded of me and him. I’ve been thinking a lot about it and then I found out about this, and I thought even more about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him back. What we had was great, but its in the past and I’m happy now.

Out of the phrase “what we had”, I miss the what not the we.

I miss sneaking kisses on the train. I miss holding hands all day long. I miss the secrecy of it all. I miss having something only the two of us knew about. I miss doing something with someone for the first time. I miss cuddling up together. I miss having someone to hold and to hold be back. I miss the gentle kisses we shared as our lips brushed against each others.

 I miss, I miss, I miss.

But then I’m left wondering why?!?!

Why didn’t it work. I mean, I know WHY, but the truth and the reason are two very distinct things.

He broke up because he didn’t want a relationship and I did. He just wanted some fun, but I couldn’t have ‘fun’ without it going somewhere because my heart would get broken that way. Simple solution, become ‘friends’ and loose the ‘benefits’.

But now he has a boyfriend and I’m here again wondering WHY?! As far as I;m aware he hasn’t exactly ‘played the field’, he’s not that type of person, so why did he not want to settle down with me, but all of a sudden want to with this other guy?

Come to think of it, why does no one want to settle down with me?!
Ok, so thats not completely true. I know one person who wants to be with me, but it wont work because it is long distance, he is WAY too young and it is very complicated. Not to mention he isn’t Peter.

Is there something wrong with me!?

I ask you good people of Blogger-land, tell me what is so repulsive about  myself that I literally repel everyone I come into close contact with!? Why am I so repugnant that I scare the living daylights out of strangers on the street. Why has the twisted hand of fate dealt me a hand of jokers?!


Tuesday, 26 April 2011

I'm Back Baby!

Hey guys,
Sorry for going away again. I know i left it a while between my last few posts but this time it isnt my fault! My internet went down (grid-wide) and when it came back on my internet kept freezing. I could only access fb and google.

Strange ... huh!

But anyway, though a freek accident, its now working again, and lets hope it stays this way. Anyway, got LOADS of posts lined up so hope you enjoy them :P and i promise to post much more often!

So just a quick update ...

so alone
This is how i'm feeling right now.

So until then ... ttyl xx

Friday, 22 April 2011

Boring or Busy?

HELLO BLOGLAND!!! I have returned!

Sorry I haven’t been posting much, I’ve kind of been in limbo. I didn’t know what to post about, I was struggling with the motivation and then technological problems.

The trifecta!

But yes, I’ve had a very boring time lately. I’ve spent a lot of my time in front of the sofa relaxing over the holidays ... which has come back to bite me in the ass! But I have had a few busy days.

 The other day I went over Jake’s house with Chris and we had a few drinks, which was a lot of fun! Not much more to it. A lot of alcohol. A lot of Pizza. A lot of lack of sleep lol.

Also, my sister Aurora is REALLY imprinting herself of me haha ... she’s turning me into an alcoholic lol. And I know what yall will say ... “be careful and don’t drown your sorrows” but I’m not. I’m just having fun. One day my sister took me out drinking which was very sweet.

We were drinking with her boss (and ex) and his very jealous and insecure gf. Who actually adores me haha, but she’s lovely and we get on great. We went to a total of 3 bars that day (yes ... DAY) and were drinking from 1pm to 9 pm ... what a time! Haha. But it was really fun. We also met up with two guys, and I had my first spliff. It was interesting, kind of like being drunk, but with a weird taste in your mouth haha. But I don’t like smoking and definitely wouldn’t do it on my own. Also, me and my sister’s boss (grr, that doesn’t sound good, but we are actually friends lol) had a few moments haha. He told my sis that he would probably flirt with whoever she brought to the pub (before I was invited) and then she told him it was me and he said he’d probably still flirt.

Whats worse is he is actually quite cute. But he’s straight, with a girlfriend and who in their right mind would like me!

So then I went to my friend Dana Umlaut’s photo shoot one day. Bad hair day btw! But yh, so I went to the meeting location to find out that the photographer was in the hospital. I felt really kind of bad and awkward because I didn’t know him, but most people did. So I didn’t have the emotional ties to him like most people, so when we were at Dana’s House it was a bit hit-and-miss. But I had a great time in the end and it was a shame I had to go so suddenly, because I had agreed to meet my friend.

We have kind of been counselling each other over the last couple of weeks and grown really close. So I wanted to go and see how he was feeling (because he gets depressed if he doesn’t have much human interaction) so why not :)

Plus, I kind of have a little crush on him. Which is ridiculous because he is 100% straight and everything, so there is no point. And I know its just a fleeting thing, but I still hate it! Why must I be alone and taunted everywhere! He even said if he were gay he’d like me, which is just like 0.o but oh well, he’s still a close friend and I can control myself lol.

So we ended up spending hours just talking about everything. From genetic engineering to exploding ducks, and from doctors to parents. WE covered it all. In the end I walked home and had a great day, until I had to walk within 4 foot of a dead fox on the side of the road and everything! SO DISCUSTING!!!

So that was my past 2 weeks or so. Oh and as for today, I spent almost all day talking with my old bff and had an amazing day, but its been kind of up and down because I’m reminded of these happy memories which brighten my day and then I remember that they’re not there anymore and I get down again.

Which kind of brings me on to my second point of this post: as to why I haven’t been posting. I’ve been feeling quite down lately. Its all to do with being alone and unloved and everything. The usual. Something that I will go into more detail soon enough. But next time!

Oh and my internet has been down for the last few days and only got it back today. Technology hates me!

So maybe these 2 weeks haven’t been so broing as I thought they had been :/

Jack xx

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Baring Teeth

Why do we have pictures?

I mean, I know WHY we have pictures: to have a physical image to jog a memory or feeling.

But what I don’t understand is why we keep these pictures or why they highlight such pleasant memories. I mean, they are full of artificial smiles and hugs that couldn’t be choreographed better if it were Hollywood. And so why do such mannequin-like models in these images make us feel good inside, when the real life events are so staged?!

Sure some pictures are taken as a spur-of-the-moment thing, and are often the best, as they manage to capture the innocence and honesty of that moment, but these are often discarded or forgotten about as they ‘make my bum look big’ or its an ‘unflattering picture’.

People forget about these ‘real’ moments, in favour for the fake ones.

The ones where everyone crowds around and crams into shot, and we all say the same conformist word “cheese!”. Grinning like idiots.

How many families or friends do you know that crowd around and smile ridiculously when there isn’t a camera there?!

None! Thats how many!

Its ridiculous! Those artificial smiles that are more like baring teeth to your opponent before a battle  mask so much background feeling and emotion that cannot be captured on camera are lost forever.

The young boy smiling at the camera with his family. Innocence ad happiness? Is this the same boy who has just spent the last 5 hours arguing over personal space and being yelled at by everyone else? Is this the same boy who has ran away so many times just to be forgotten and overlooked each time?! Striving for attention? Is he just an innocent and happy boy?!

Or what about that picture of a child smiling from ear to ear in a brand new shirt they got for Christmas. Does the camera hide the disdain they feel towards their parents for not only buying them such an ugly gift, but for then capturing this ‘beautiful moment’ forever?! Does it show the discomfort they feel from the scratchy material or the shirt that is 2 sizes too small?! The ugly colour and the sin towards fashion are long forgotten in that very smile that shows appreciation for a gift that has been bought. No, does this image show this level of depth?!

Or what about that picture of a boy and his date, at a valentines meal. Sure, smiles all around, teeth as white as the rose is red. But is there more to this image? Does it show how the boy does not actually like this girl and how he longs for his love to have accepted his invite. Does it show how he only asked out this girl because she liked him?! Does it show his fear to be alone and to have no one love him?! Does it show how she in turn hit him and abused him? Her smile masks her violence and his shame. A shame that can only be redeemed with time and a forgiving and forgetful camera...
And then there is the picture of two sisters kneeling triumphantly next to their monument us sand castle they have spent the day building. Mouths contorted into real smiles showing how their hard work and effort has paid off and in those fleeting moments know true happiness: to have made something regardless of longevity and senselessness. But does that image show the little boy in the corner long forgotten by all in his attempt to build a castle? To be accepted and to try to join in with his sisters? Does it show the tears he sheds over being overlooked again and again, time and time over, his castle caving in next to the tremendous castle of his family. Does this picture, like so many others show the truth behind the situation? The situation of a lonely boy who longs to fit in and be appreciated. To love and be loved in return.


Pools of water, laying on the ground,
As it rains down, without a sound.
A waters reflection, staring back at me,
Who is this guy, and what does he see?
A picture taken yesterday,
Starts to blur and fade away.
And like the sunset, all things must end,
When golden colours start to blend.

No. Do images show the truth of a situation? Or are those ‘smiles’ just baring teeth to the enemy. To the camera. To you?

When will he learn?!

He comes barging into my room when I’m upset and wont leave until I either yell, or tell him whats wrong. He never learns that I don’t want to talk to him, or that he is the cause of my distress,

He blames me for everything wrong in the world, from large to small, its Jack’s fault! I can do no right, in his mind. Force me to open up, and then leave me curled up on my bed, silently sobbing to myself over and over again.

There is always more to do, ’work never stops for the wicked’ so they say, but am I truly wicked to the one who has to unconditionally love me?! It doesn’t feel like he does.

Overlooked and underappreciated. Thats the way the story goes. I should just up and leave, but its always the same. I never get too far past the front door, and by the time I return, they then realise I was gone in the first place.

No, my time will come, and end one day. They will realise the pain they’ve all caused me and in turn I shall get revenge. All those times they have blamed or yelled or made me shed a tear, they shall have their comeuppance one day and shall feel that pain.

But then again, these are just words, subject to the vast aray of the web on which it sits forever more. No more than dots on some stranger’s screen. No. When will they learn? When I do.


A poem by Janthony:


Is this face opaque
and too translucent to see?
Is my two cents no pay
in how this world could be?
Am I blank a page of not
a form forsaken and opaque?
Do my steps not ripple
or leave a lasting wake?
Does this mass not matter?
Do my words make no mind?
It seems my face has faded
    and is too opaque to find.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Hook a Duck!

Hey, some (I say some lol, but its probably more than 'some') pictures from yesterday when me and my friends went to Brighton for the ...

Happy ninteenth and first birthday non-birthday day celebration!



My friends <3

If only ...

A ride my friends went on ...
they must be INSANE!!!

For those silly people out there :P

Jack xx

Oh, and the reason for the blog title:

Sunday, 10 April 2011

SUN = Happiness?

Hey Guys,

Sorry I haven't been posting much this week, its been kind of hecktic!

I've spent a lot of time working, but not too much! haha. It just feels this way because it is a complex job, but actually REALLY interesting.

Anyway, so the sun has been out for the last week and it is actually SHORTS weather!!!! Which is practically unheard-of in England. Which is even better because I have the next 17 days off because of Easter Break! so SUN HERE I COME!

Gotta LOVE summer!

I've been talking a lot more with this one guy. We have a LOT in common, like eerily in common lol, but we talk daily and help each other out when we get down. Its great getting to know someone that I have known for a while. I mean, up until now we've been friends and I could tell you his name and where he lives, but not much more.

He is one of the students I have been helping to teach for the last year - and OMG I actually LOVE teaching at the moment and have some other plans I want to run by you guys but they will have to wait, anyway - but despite doing other projects with this guy, I barely knew anything about him.

So as I said, its great getting to know someone you already know!

But despite the sunshine, heat and budding friendships, I've still been pretty down. I've had a lot on my mind, which I need to sort out and will tell you guys about it as soon as i've actually done something about it. Promise!

So thats basically my past week or so. I have to properly start revising soon though, because my first exam (out of 9!!!!) start on the 16th of May, and i finish college in about a month too. SCARY! So i've put together a revision timetable that I plan on sticking to! ... I've always made revision plans, but they fall by the wayside every time! But this one is different. Its mainly small spurts of revision, combined with lots of sleep (mmmm, sleepppppp .... ) and regular excersise because, well, quite frankly despite not eating much at the moment, i've been feeling really fat and unhealthy, so this should help :)

So yes, thats what I'll be doing for the
next few months :/

Anyway, I have to go. I've got to get back to work so that I can go around my Mum's for a bit to cheer her up. She's a bit upset that my dad's got a new girlfriend (he's over there now as its her daughter's birthday ... i've been grilling him because he's trying to suck up and made Chocolate Mouse for her daughter and none for us, but I dont mind. Chocolate's REALLY fatty lol). So to cheer her up i'm going to make her favorite cake ... Coffee cake.

Sounds discusting, but its really not! its DELICIOUS!!!

So gotta dash. Here's a song i've had stuck in my head:

Jack xx

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Life by Moonlight: Part 5

Last Time:
A loud crash came from the door, as Will awoke with a start. The door swung open as an all too familiar figure emerged. It was Aurora. Her energetic mood, instantly told Will that something was afoot.
“Hurry up and get Dressed! He’s here”, her voice was misleading and contradicting to her face. Although he could definitely hear an urgency in her tone, there was no danger or alarm in her expression, but rather anxiety and excitement.
“Who’s here?”
“Wait and see”. Aurora was constantly playing these games. Always showing and never telling. After a quick debate, Will surrendered and was left alone with his thoughts.
The cold stone floor was ice to his feet and they quickly went numb. Sleepily stumbling over to his en suite, he splashed some water on his face, to help wake him up. Walking over armoire, he held up his bloodied shirt. There wasn’t time for this, Aurora was waiting. Dropping the red mass to the floor, he pulled on an earthly green doublet and hose, and left for the day’s adventure. Aurora was waiting at the foot of the stairs and knowing the rush, he skipped breakfast. Carefully closing the ironbound door, they strolled down the pathway and headed for the valley floor. Passing between the moss and ivy coated homes, they reminisced about their childhood and dreamed about their futures. Shortly, they arrived at the town center and were met by a disorderly crowd. Cheers and shouts quickly emerged over the general rambling and cries of outrage soon followed. As they forced their way through the throng, more of the sounds became identifiable, and Will noticed a wagon, backed onto the crowd. A merchant was auctioning off his produce and much to the crowd’s dismay, much of the stock was overpriced.
Will instantly recognised the merchant to be the long awaited, Eoghen. He was a popular tradesman that often braved the harsh terrain, to trade with the valleymen. He was a kind and giving man that was friends with anyone and everyone he met. His long, pale face was bordered with phantom white hair and streaked with grey. His eyes were pure lilac, and were so light, they seemed to disappear next to the deep black pupils. His ancient appearance made him look almost ghostlike, returning to the world of the living one last time. But contrasting his appearance, he wore a grubby, ashen tunic, and mismatching hose, that still held the remnants of last night’s meal.
They stood at the sidelines of the throng, watching and waiting, to swoop in and save the elderly man from certain doom. This moment came all too soon, as the crowd’s attitude quickly changed, and they began advancing. The two Valliens were just about to intervene when Eoghen disappeared, in the blink of an eye. A moment later, he was standing next to them, with a smug look on his face, as although he looked old and feeble, he was as swift as a lion stalking its prey. But that was needed in the merchant industry.
They walked down a quaint country lane, the ground hard and compact, beneath their feet. They passed beneath a canopy of leaves and regularly stopped to admire the simplistic view before them. They took long drinks from their ale-skins for refreshment and continued on. After a brief walk, they turned and crossed a local field. The waist high grass brushed up against their hands like feathers, while the bright heather lent its aroma to the surrounding air. They were at peace and all time seemed to slow. They talked of times long gone and ones still to come. Eoghen admitted that he wished he could stay, but there was always just another town beyond the horizon. 
Then after a short while, they emerged in the shadow of a giant willow. Will remembered playing around the base as a child and made him think that even the oldest of things can have new life in them. With some help. Merchants had been welcomed here centuries ago, and had stayed in the same spot, year after year. The giant spindly arms caressed the tops of the wagons, parked beneath. Crisp white, striped with an earthy green, as the leaves tumbled down the branches, desperately trying to reach the warm embrace of the ground. Laughter filled the air as young children ran and played in the local fields of lavender. The sent flowing, and mixing with the ash of the cooking fire.

To Be Continued ...

Friday, 1 April 2011

Some Pictures of that day ...

Me in my Funeral Shirt ...
Yes, I have s shirt dedicated just for funerals ...

This just reminds me of her: beautiful, unobtrusive and delicate


Why Was It The Worst Day Of My Life?

No, it’s not my birthday. If only...

No, it’s been 4 long and gruesome years since my Nan died. I know some of you may think “so what?!” (and I know you wont admit it but its true), but I LOVED her SO much!

Seriously, like she was better than my parents. She was there for me when I was upset, I could tell her anything – even those things that I couldn’t tell my real parents – she was strict but fair, loving. We never argued or bickered and she was an escape from everything real.

She was the best things about a parent, rolled up into one bundle, without all of the shit that comes with it.

This version always reminds me of her </3


Since I was a child I can remember taking those daily trips to the Day-care centre about a mile away from her house, walking through the park and persuading her to stop every day! I remember little about day-care, but I remember that walk vividly! I could probably go there tomorrow.

Then after day-care, I would come back to her house for the afternoon and we would play. This continued for several years. Always the same, but different: like only a child can see. I would create the same Lego zoo, down to the very brick, I would sit there as she would teach me how to sew or garden or cook. She would cut the crusts off of my ham sandwiches and cut them into triangles for me to eat. The only way I could. Every now and then, I would redesign her garden (when I wanted to be a landscape gardener) and somehow it would involve a swimming pool.

I remember the sheer lies she would tell me and that I believed for years: she had a massive ants nest under her garden (there was a vertical bump down her garden) and later found out it was a water-line; that she rolled her eyes into the back of her head and she had to have an operation to correct them; so many more!

I remember the evolution of her house. Sleeping with my sisters in her dining room, and being kept awake at night by the road. Sleeping next to the stairs when my sisters out-grew these sleep-over’s. When the re-did their downstairs WC, when she converted their loft into another bedroom, painting a mural in her bedroom ..

Its still there you know.

The very lines she drew 5 long years ago. She drew a sunset and painted it, but she couldn’t decide if she wanted the twinkling fairy lights of the city to calm her to sleep, or if she wanted the soothing sounds of the Serengeti. So she left it, then she fell ill and we waited for her to finish it. It hardly seems right to finish it, or to remove it ...

She had always been quite sickly. She suffered from bad asthma and chest infections for as long as I can remember. I later found out that she had ME, which made me feel terrible because I always tried to make her be active and she never complained. Then she got severe chest infections a couple of times a year and she went into hospital.

She was there for about a year, on and off, until they put her in a hospice. I knew what one was, bit it didn’t really sink in. Not really. I didn’t visit her much then. I hated seeing her so weak and frail. But I had to see her, I loved her too much.

Then it was too late.

I don’t remember how I found out, or what I did next, I just remember feeling dead and cold inside. I cried myself to sleep countless nights.

I closed of my heart to almost everyone, and to this day she is one of the only things that can make me cry.

I remember her warm embrace, and her sweet eyes. I loved her. In day-care I used to make her little gifts. I once cut out everything she loves from a magazine (dolls, sewing, cats, figurines etc) and pasted them onto a coaster and gave it to here. Its still there you know, on her bed-side table. I remember when I got a set of 3 cat crystals, I gave my favourite to her. That’s still there too.

She got died 4 years and one week ago today. She was cremated and her ashes were buried under an ascer, just like the one in her prized garden, and the whole family goes there every year on this day to visit her and think about how she has improved each of our lives.

I know she is dead, but every now and then I will be reminded of her somehow. I will be buying the same type of mints she would have, or the smell of rich-tea biscuits or freshly cut grass and I’ll just think of her in that moment. Like she is there with me, looking over me.

I know she is gone, but in some way, she is still there.

RIP Nan xxx