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Wednesday, 13 April 2011

When will he learn?!

He comes barging into my room when I’m upset and wont leave until I either yell, or tell him whats wrong. He never learns that I don’t want to talk to him, or that he is the cause of my distress,

He blames me for everything wrong in the world, from large to small, its Jack’s fault! I can do no right, in his mind. Force me to open up, and then leave me curled up on my bed, silently sobbing to myself over and over again.

There is always more to do, ’work never stops for the wicked’ so they say, but am I truly wicked to the one who has to unconditionally love me?! It doesn’t feel like he does.

Overlooked and underappreciated. Thats the way the story goes. I should just up and leave, but its always the same. I never get too far past the front door, and by the time I return, they then realise I was gone in the first place.

No, my time will come, and end one day. They will realise the pain they’ve all caused me and in turn I shall get revenge. All those times they have blamed or yelled or made me shed a tear, they shall have their comeuppance one day and shall feel that pain.

But then again, these are just words, subject to the vast aray of the web on which it sits forever more. No more than dots on some stranger’s screen. No. When will they learn? When I do.


A poem by Janthony:


Is this face opaque
and too translucent to see?
Is my two cents no pay
in how this world could be?
Am I blank a page of not
a form forsaken and opaque?
Do my steps not ripple
or leave a lasting wake?
Does this mass not matter?
Do my words make no mind?
It seems my face has faded
    and is too opaque to find.


Anonymous said...

Hey Jack sorry I haven't been around your blog it's been that way for all blogs

I don't know what's going but I really do hope things get better for you and don't forget I'm here to talk whenever you need me .


Wayne said...

Sounds like you and your father get along like putting a cat and dog into a bag. But he is concerned for you. Not too sure what your situation is, but I am sure that many straight dads have straight hope and dreams for their alternate sexuality offspring. I guess it is something that you need to work around and anticipate on a daily basis. Blaming you for his stresses is certainly unfair, but do your best to help out in the daily life of the family and not give them any excuses to dump on you. Maybe we need to sit back sometimes and analyze things logically and rationally and go from there. Decisions made in emotional distress are usually bad ones. Revenge is a hollow victory; it puts you on the same level as the ones who wronged you. People change over the decades and maybe you and your father will work things out. I can certainly relate to the Opaque poem. bfn - Wayne

Jack xx said...

Thanks Ethan, it wasnt too much, my dad was just complaining over something quite trivial and as per usual blamed me for everything. That combined with me not doing enough in his eyes got me rallied up.

And i know my dad is concerned with me but he just doesnt understand me sometimes. He wants me to talk to him and tell him whats wrong, when i dont want to HAVE tell him, i kind of just want him to know or else he wont learn. its complicated lol. And then he doesnt want me to bottle it all up inside, but thats how i deal with it. i hold it in so that i dont explode on someone, and then i rant it out in my head (and blogger) and then after a little while i'm fine ... until the next time.

And i dont really get revenge much, i just prefer to be left alone when i'm upset. Especially when its over something trivial and he cant even understand that there is more to this that just the immediate problems. But oh well, life goes on


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