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Tuesday, 26 July 2011


So I’ve had one thing on my mind lately and it’s been bugging me. I’ve been contemplating my future...

Or lack of.

Now this is NOT a post about how “blue” I am or anything like that (well not intentionally) but more about me sharing something with you out there, that is difficult to explain and even more difficult to understand properly.

Since I was a child, as far back as I can remember really, I’ve planned for my future but I’ve never been able to actually picture it. I literally can’t imagine growing old, not “growing old with someone” ... I mean growing old ... period.

It’s just impossible.

There isn’t really a good thing to compare it to. I mean I could say picture you having sex with a woman (to my male and gay audience) but the problem with that is you CAN imagine that, you might just prefer not to.

No. The closest thing I can think of to compare it is to set you the challenge to think of a colour that doesn’t exist. Or to understand the universe in its entirety.

Impossible, no?

That’s how I’ve felt about my future, since I was about 10. Since that age I’ve found it difficult to picture my life beyond being about 30, I just can’t do it. And as a result I can’t plan for a future. I mean, sure I could set aside money for retirement and to have children and buy a nice big house with a white picket fence ... the whole shebang. But deep down I know it won’t come true. I know I won’t make it to my future.

How do I know this? Because it’s one of those gut feelings deep down inside that you know you can ignore and pretend it’s not there, but you know it’s telling you the truth.

It just feels ... right, I guess.

I know that at some point before I’m 30, I’m going to die ... most likely from suicide. Which used to be a scary and worrying thought, but to be honest I’ve come to terms with it. I’m content with living my life as long as I can and to the fullest.

Sure, sometimes I get depressed and sometimes I act upon it, sometimes I try to go a bit too far. And I know that one say I will go too far, but not right now.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m not trying to worry you or make you think about me any differently, I guess I’m just trying to explain an extremely difficult and private thing that I’ve told very few people about ... for good reason.

Even now you can’t understand what I mean or anything, but I’ve tried. I just have to hope that you’ll remember the impossibility you’re struggling to understand, and then accept my challenge to think of a colour that doesn’t exist, or that has a name or something!

I’ve known for years that I won’t live a nice full, long and loving life, and now you do too.



StarSandwich said...

Technically, If you die tomorrow you still had a future. When you was little ever wonder what you''d look like when your sixteen? Isn't that thinking into your future. So technically you've had a little future.

Oh Jack, I don't pity you. You wouldn't want my pity anyways nor have you asked for it. Which in my opinion is a good thing about this.
Just because you can picture your future now don't mean you going to die but it docent mean you wont. Your not looking in the right places for a future...

I know my future already. I've already sighed my life away to my country. You have a lot of options to take. Think about it. Not all of us grow old and not all of us die young, maybe you won't kill your self it could just be a freak accident... You never know what the future has.

- Star, trying to make sense without confusing herself.

Jack xx said...

Hey Star,

Technically that is true for most people, and to some extent me as well. But i mean, if i were to kill myself tomorow hypothetically lol, one day is hardly a 'future' lol.

Glad its a good thing :P But where would you sugest looking for as future then?

Wow, so you've enlisted then? :/ brave, why did you do that?

And i know i dont know what the future has, i simply meant most likely it would be suicide, but you have a point xx

StarSandwich said...

At least its one day, not no days xD
Mmmhmm, where well first you'd have to dig deeper into yourself. Something you rally want to do, or maybe you need to find what completes you.

Yep, I enlisted the beginning of this year, I should be going in October time. I wanted a life with a purpose to get away from home and it just is something I can see myself doing x3

Indeed the future is full of surprises, but you never know. Likely. But not 100%! There is a little glimmer of hope.

- Star.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps planning, instead of trying to envision a future...concrete plans for what you want to do: graduate uni, get a great job in some form of media, socialize and try to find mr. or mrs. right, then the house, kids, retirement...but small steps first: concentrate on uni...then the next things...maybe you won't be thinking so much about it not being there. And I'll say it again: you have to find a way to overcome the fear of doctors and find the help you need to overcome the depression that impedes you enjoying life to its fullest!

Peace <3

Wayne said...

The future is unwritten and a crap-shoot. Love is a temporary thing at any age; many married and committed couples eventually lose their partners. It's about the trip Jack, full of many surprises along the way. How do you know that you might commit suicide just before something wonderful happens? You are placing all of your self-worth on love from another person instead of love for yourself and the world around you. The world is stunningly beautiful and I see more of that beauty in depth the older I get. I'd like to stick around as long as I can just to see what happens. There is no point to existence or the universe without a consciousness to recognise it.
-When you hit 30 relax and go with the flow. Lots to enjoy in life including sex. Don't let relativity and comparing yourself to others bring you down. Continue your education and complete it; this will give you the best odds for success in the future and I suspect you will meet some interesting guys along the way. Get off your butt and get a regular exercise routine; a gay guy needs a fit body and exercise always lifts depression. I am 61 and look in the mirror and say 'who's that' lol, but I look good for my age though and that is all anyone can realistically strive for. I've had my share of down times but I always did something about it to turn it around instead of dwelling on it. Get out and circulate Jack, and enjoy the rest of the summer. - Wayne (hugs)

Jack xx said...

True star, and congratulations! :)

Jay ... that IS planning lol. Just doing what i'm doing now and not planning too far ahead lol.

And Wayne ... i actually wrote this over a month ago AND as i said in the post, i've known this since i was a kid ... this has absoloutly ZERO bearing on Emo guy or "on love from another person instead of love for yourself"

Technically, there is very little after thirty that you cant experience before 30, 30 was a rough number (for an exmple) and i didnt even say i'd get that far. Cant miss what you never had.

Lots to not enjoy in life also. And its not about enjoyment, its jsut one of those inate things i cant change. I didnt compare myself to others in this post, it has nothing realy to do with that.

The whole point is i dont have a future, so education wont really help me there lol.

I HAVE AN EXCERSISE ROUTINE! You say that every comment and it actually upsets me because i'm unhappy about my body enough as it is, without you effectively saying i'm fat. And it has zero influence on my depression, believe me ... i've tried.

and this is not a "down time", as i said, this is just something inate i've always felt.

Sorry if i came accros rude there, i didnt mean to its just, um ... agrivating?!

But as i said in the post, i didnt expect most people to understand it anyway lol, so oh well xx

Billy said...

When I feel like that, like I have no future, it's because it frees me up from taking responsibility for the big choices in life. When I'm feeling worthless, like why would anybody ever want me, like why can't I ever get things right.

But that is bullshit. I am a good person, I have got something to offer, people do love me. Maybe someday someone special will, too. Deep down you know you're worth it, too.


Wayne said...

Jack I am speaking in generalities, not anything specific. After age 30 you will gain a lot in wisdom which makes life much more satisfying. Life is about continuous new 'experiences' at any age. If you are talking about a long-term depressive condition that never seems to change in spite of your efforts, then you definitely need to see a therapist concerning this and there is no shame in that. You might find that talking confidentially with a therapist a huge help and relief. You need to plan your life like you will live to 100 cos you just might, and the foundation of that is your education. If you reject all advice to help you find the joy in life then professional help is needed, and maybe meds if you have a chemical imbalance in the brain causing this. Yes life is about feeling satisfied and getting some enjoyment and you deserve some. I hope I can aggravate you into getting help and do talk to your parents about this. I hate to see you suffer with this; I'm on your side! - Wayne (and you're not fat it's just that young people don't get enough outdoors exercise these days!)

Micky said...

I always felt older when I was younger - as I've said before. Horribly grown up about everything, you know?

Never could, never have and never will look to or 'plan' the future. Waste of time coz life will most likely shaft your plans anyway.

I didn't know that life for gay people in GB was going to change so completely did I? I didn't know I was going to be able to marry my man, did I? How can we possibly plan for the future?

And, guess what? We shouldn't. Not at all. Planning for today, tomorrow and where we're going on holiday next year is the very, very most planning most of us should ever do.

Anyway - you're much more likely to be killed on the roads than any other way.

The only sort of planning you might be doing around now in your life is whether to go on studying (if so what?) or to go and earn money to live off. Oh and when you're going to get somewhere of your own to live I suppose.

Wayne said...

Right on Micky! - Wayne :)

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