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Monday, 18 July 2011

Open Eyes

Yes, my eyes are forever open.

Ever since a child i've had sleeping problems .. not that anyone believes me.

I dont know when it began, but i must have been about 7 years old, when i remember it from. Sat alone in my room for hours on end, just waiting for sleep to arrive.

Sometimes it was just that my brain wouldnt turn off, other times i wasnt tired and other times i was just too bored to sleep. Well, those are the most reoccurant themes.

... Well that or the nightmares ... but i wont go into that.

I would just lye there for several hours, late into the night until i would finally fall asleep for whatever reason. Litterally, i would not sleep until it was at least 11pm ... and for a 7 year old, that is late!

So logically, i decided that enough was enough and i may as well put this wasted time to a decent use and watch television. I tried reading, but i had a cabin bed (a bunkbed without a bottom bed) so my reading light was right next to the window above my door, meaning it was very obvious i was up lol.

So i would just watch television until i grew tired about 11, always 11, and then turn it off and go to bed.

Now, of course i had to be careful, i mean staying up past your bedtime to watch TV is a dangerous game lol, but pretty soon i perfected it. Whenever someone came upstairs to bed, you would hear a sequence of sounds ... the curtains closing downstairs, the kitchen door closing, somoene coming up the stairs and then someone at the top of the stairs ... then you either sank or swam.

All i had to do was either turn my TV off and climb into bed (and either sleep or usually wait about 10 mins and then continue watching TV) or on the rare chance i missed these sounds, i would pretend to be asleep and my parents would come in and turn my TV off.

I must have been caught like 3 times since then. I'm a good actor :/

But you see, this isnt me being naive and everything. I have tried everything i can think off to sleep better. I've tried going to bed early and repeatedly so that i can change my sleep routine, i've triend changing my nightime routine (ie. bath and stuff) i've tried doing more active things in the day to tire my brain out

... i've tried it all!

So here i am ... constantly awake. Ok, so a slight exageration, but i am awake about 19 hours a day at least. I constantly have bags under my eyes and what's worse is that no one believes me.

Its only a minor thing, but it really hurts when no one believes you, calls you a liar and then completely denies your childhood memories.

Now, i;m not particularly attached to those memories, its not like i cherish them, but they are memories none the less, and its not nice to have someone deny the existance of all those feelings and emotions.

But i just have to get it sorted because i dont know what it is thats causing me to be this fucked up. I mean, it doesnt sounds like Insomnia because although its constant and repetitive, its not lack of sleep, just lack of sleep up until a certain time.

What if i'm fucked up like this forever, wont that be a little difficult when i'm with someone. Lying awake next to them for hours on end to not look abnormal ... and then what if they woke up?! Or should i just refuse to go to bed until i'm tired ... then how fucking fucked up will i look!?

Well ... its a bit more complicated than this ...

... as the song said ... to be continued ...


Rowan said...

I'm right with you man, i've had (and still do have) sleeping problems. 7 seems to be the age. I remember my dad once being really concerned and mentioning taking me to the doctor.
Never did but i've had trouble sleeping since. Not as bad but yeah.
Summer isn't making it much better. Usually go to bed at about 4/5 maybe 6am but thats coz of the many distractions i have available to me :P

And the nightmares... been there. Bout 13 maybe i had a bad bour of nightmares, like 3 or 4 a week usually. They've gone... for now but like yourself, i'm convinced i have some mild form of insomnia or whatever sleep problems you want to slam a tag on to.

Rowan <3

Jack xx said...

Haha, exactly the same. even with the nightmares. You could almost time them they were that regular, and the same ones too :L

With summer holidays i'm usually getting to bed about 3/4 am and get up about 9, although not that it makes a difference.

Only difference is the parents. Mine just said i could sleep and to go to bed earlier. Well, when they cared enough to listen haha, but oh well.

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack

I agree that you ought to get this sorted out: whatever's going on, you're not getting enough sleep. If there's a reasonably fixed time when you fall asleep, then can you adjust when you wake up?

Alternatively, I'd suggest you go and see your GP - I know how you feel about doctors, but at least they don't have the same view of you that your family does, and they should take you seriously if you tell them what's going on. And if you don't want to deal with your current GP, then you can always choose another one.

If you're still suffering from sleep problems when you're with someone, you just have to explain what the situation is, and discuss how you want to handle it. I would hope, though, that a combination of the more "active" things you can do in bed, and the reassurance of a warm body beside you, would make sleep come a lot more easily.

I wouldn't mind going to bed if I was going to find Eric Saade there :-)



naturgesetz said...

For a long part of my working career I got about 5 hours of sleep per night. It won't kill you. People are different. Not everybody needs the same amount of sleep.

That said, if you're feeling sleep-deprived, could you either sleep an hour later, until about 10, or maybe find a regular time to take a nap during the day or evening? Just lie down for a half hour or an hour. Don't worry about going to sleep, just rest, whether you're awake or asleep. If there is a time during the day when you usually feel tired, that would probably be the best time to try it, if you can. As they said to us when I was on retreat a few months ago, "Listen to your body."

Jack xx said...

Hey Mark, i think you overlook the fact that i am really scared of going to Doctors lol. And as for the "they should take you seriously" comment, i must reffer you to my post Entitled My Problems Part 1, where "He laughed at me, and to quote him, when I told him about when I tried to overdose he said 'what was I on? Skittles?!'”

And i dont know about getting enough sleep or not, but i've survived so far with this little sleep (as Naturgesetz).

Oh, and those things you suggested dont work ... tried them lol, i just lye awake for hours.

And Naturgesetz, yes my sleep times vary a little bi, but i find it difficult to sleep beyond certain points, despite trying, and i HATE lying there doing nothing. Oh and i cant sleep once i'm up. So that means no to napping too hahaha.

I'm jsut a big hastle :/

StarSandwich said...

Dude, I can relate to this completely. I did the whole acting to be asleep and turn the TV off when my fokes came to check on me. But the static on the TV sometimes gave me away so I had to whip it off. OR the fact my sister would grass me up. Evil child.

Anyways. I couldn't sleep and I tried alot of stuff not pills never ever pills. I still can't sleep.

You ever had them nightmare dreams that you wake up actually hurt from? I have. Just my lip being cut open and having a scar on the inside of my mouth. but that's nothing major. Its creepy shit right.

I still can't sleep and I'm sixteen. Okay I'll sleep round 1 or 2 am but then I sleep in the day usually. Do You? I'm not saying nightmares is my problem I just hate sleep though I can sleep hours in daylight hours. But maybe its your problem? HAVE to face your fears to move forward.

- Star ^_^

Jack xx said...

Hey Star :) Nice to hear from you lol x

And its a shame about your sleep problems too :/ but glad its not affecting you too much :P

I've never been physically harmed that i remember lol, jsut the sensation of falling ... a LOT haha. but sounds very creepy :O

Glad you can sleep at some point, could be worse i guess :/

Might be my problem but there are some discrepancies. Yours sounds a little like Delayed sleep phase syndrome, where you sleep the same amount, just at a different time lol. But idk, i;m not a proffessional.

Oh and as for facing my fears ... no :P x

Wayne said...

Some people do not require a long sleep at night, but if you are tired in the daytime because of lack of sleep then it is a problem. Sometimes the brain gets 'trained' to stay awake and changing the wiring takes weeks or months. I think too much brain stimulation in this techno age is partly to blame; you need a calm relaxed mind to go to sleep. Don't take your troubles to bed with you; I've noticed that psychopaths all sleep like a baby cos they don't worry when they go to bed. Don't give a f**k about anything when you go to bed, and think about sex with a hot guy and that will banish the nightmares. Another reason for a daily exercise aerobic work-out is to physically tire the body and burn up unspent energy which invites sleep. Have milk and a banana for an evening snack. Be sure to keep regular sleep times (we have cave-man genes); staying up late is a sleep killer. Hope these hints help. bfn - Wayne

Jack xx said...

Not really Wayne, as i said in the post, i've tried all of these things and they are NOT the problem. I guess some adults just think in certain ways :/

Anonymous said...

I am quite certain you've had bad experiences with doctors, but I also cannot believe that they're all like the ones you've described. I'm guessing you just had extremely bad luck. I beseech you to try again. It will take some sucking in of the gut on your part, and perhaps holding your breath, but I think you've got the guts to try. I think you'll be glad you did.

Peace <3

Micky said...

By far the best thing you could do is accept that we're all different and if you only need a few hours sleep at a time then do that. Really, if you take everyone's expectations away, there's nothing much to worry about. I've met loads of people who can only sleep for a short period each night.

You could try getting an afternoon siesta - there's a few million people do that you know! Add an hour or so sometime after lunch and then you're bedtime can slip right back.

You'll know that for many people 3 - 5 hours is quite enough sleep for your or my brain to rest but your and my body will need enough rest to make up for the activity we've done during the day (or maybe the day before coz I tend to work in 48 hour 'days' as far as energy reserves and the need to sleep go).

If you spend a week climbing mountains then you'll probably be physically tired enough for your body to want to sleep - but unless you've also been exercising your brain then it won't want more than a few hours.

Tough call, isn't it?

StarSandwich said...

Hehe, No problem. No idea what that is but I will use my trust search engine. Google xD

Hope yours gets a lot better soon, Maybe you could think when your falling, 'Glad I wore my para-shoot' or 'Good thing I brought my jet pack along' might work xD Well your fears :D

-Star :)

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