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Saturday, 17 September 2011

The Story Part 1

Hey guys, sorry i havn't been blogging much but i've just had a lot to sort out lately x

So here is what happened that night and i hope that this is one of the last times i have to tell it, because even now it still haunts me. It follows me around like a dark black cloud that i cant quite shake off. I can only ignore it and pretend that its not there.

So for a long time i had been in a downward spiral, everything seemed so hopeless and lost to me. i had no future and nothing to look forward to, so what was i doing?!

Existing.

I felt like i had no qualitty of life and nothing to live for. So i decided that enough was enough and that the end was near. I took my future into m own hands.

I picked a date and stocked up on Asprin tablets and decided when and where i was going to do it. That was what brought on my reflective period. I guess i wanted my story out there before it was lost to the winds.

I was ready to do it for quite a long time, i was actually just waiting for my sister to go to bed so that i could leave and begin, and as is always the case, i procrastinated and was late leaving.

I walked over to the local field as i had a lot of happy memories there and sat down by one of my favorite trees and opened the pills so that i could take them quicker and easier. I then took some and began the slow decent into the obituary.

I walked over to the local lake and take more and more and more until i litterally couldnt take a single one, without being sick. And that would have been counterproductive so i forced myself to stop. I then sat there for a while just staring out over the calm water and the flickering stars as the odd person walked past.

I couldnt help but think "what if they found out that someone had killed themselves the night they walked past, and if they would realise they were the last people to see me" but it was soon forogtten.

A short while later i walked over to my second location, a little platform overlooking the lake. I wanted the last thing i saw to be this beautiful scene before me, like a state of euphoria might emerge from it. I liked the poetry and idealism i got from it.

Silly i know.

So i lay down and listened to my ipod to distract me from how ill i was feeling and waited for death to come, with open arms.

I waited.

Two hours later i woke up and found that my suicide attempt had failed, and i assumed it was later than it actually was, because it was now light out. I was wrong.

Walking home i grew increasingly ill and felt terrible. I mean, TERRIBLE! I could barely make it a few feet infront of me before i would stop and almost be sick.

But that was the problem ... almost.

I came to the crossroads. I could either go home and i was certain that the Asprin in my system would be fatal, and my family would find me the next day. Or later. Or, i could force myself to be sick and hope that the Asprin had not been absorbed into my system.

I paniced and started worrying and decided that enough was enough. I would be sick and then take it from there. If i attempted it again then i would learn from my mistakes.

But when i was sick, hardly anything came out and it was then that i paniced! Too much was in my system already.

Too much.

I went home and thought that it had all come to an end and that i had finaly got what i had always wanted ... death.

About an hour passed, where i walked home, got a drink, was sick again and tried to calm down. But i couldnt. My heart was pounding and pounding ... far to abnormal for just nurves.

The asprin was taking effect

7 comments:

Brian said...

I'm really glad you survived and I hope you never again feel you have to do this.

Jay M. said...

I'm sure this wasn't easy to write. I hope it helps the whole thing to be left behind. You're with us, you're getting better, and things are looking UP for you! That's what's important.

Peace <3
Jay

naturgesetz said...

I hope writing about it helps get of the cloud that's been following you around from it.

If you can write about what happened after you got home, it will be good to know how you survived. It's so good that you did survive.

yolynoble said...

I know this was incredibly hard for you - not only to live through but to relive as you write. But I am so glad you're still here with us. And we are here with you too, Jack. We care about you and what happens to you and will be here for you, bro. - jeff

A Wandering Pom said...

Jack

Many thanks for posting this - I have to admit that I have been curious about what happened that night. What's more important, though, is you: if posting this helps you, then carry on; if not, there's no need for us to know.

I'm very glad that you did get through that night; I hope you're looking forward to a new environment and a fresh start at university.

*hugs*

Mark

Wayne said...

I am wondering if you have started university yet? It seems rather strange that you would think this way when an exciting future is opening up for you. Give yourself a chance to turn things around. I hope you don't dwell on this too much cos I do understand how you could feel that way and we can all look back on some things we regret in the past; it is part of being human. I know you can move on and put this behind you. bfn - Wayne (big hugs!)

tman said...

Jack... I think that sharing your story will help in ways that might not be apparent to you. I know that I never told anyone about my feelings that led me to that dark place until many years later, and in the meantime, it kind of scared me... IDK; maybe diminished the hope that I had some control over my life. I guess that might seem convoluted, but I looked at my planned 'departure' as having some choice over the pain... At least my own pain. IDK exactly how you felt, but the description of trying to find a beautiful place to sit while the aspirin took effect reminded me of some of the thoughts that were cascading through my head all those years ago.-- Looking back, I remember feeling conflicted about what my passing might mean to different people. Maybe they would understand at some point, but then, how could they, if I wasn't there to explain? Then, I didn't care again, because they would never love me the way I was anyways. How could they?

I thought that there was no reason to hope that there would ever be the kind of love in this world that I needed like every other straight, 'normal' person. Someone to believe in me. To see beyond the surface and to still love me. Who wouldn't find my feelings repulsive.

I came to a turning point for my own personal beliefs that challenged me to fight for life and to take the chance to explore the unknown. Things that lie ahead of all of us... Things that we can only imagine. The chance that I was wrong, because the people who considered me defective were wrong.

I chose a place where I had gone all my childhood, because it felt right somehow. My family knew I hung out in that general vicinity, so I remember thinking that one of them would likely find me.

I secretly hoped that finding my body would devastate them. I guess there was an element of payback involved, too.

In the end, I'm glad I hung on. I made a promise that night that if I would live, I would try my best to understand why I was... How I fit into this world. How knowing that might help some other kid not have to sort through the awful thoughts I had rattling around in my head. I hope you come to some of the same conclusions, Jack.

Since that day 47 years ago in October, I have experienced the most incredible things, including deep love and devastating loss... It has been a remarkable journey. Given time, I have no reason to believe your life will be anything less!
luv, tman<3

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