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Saturday, 17 December 2011

Something is wrong

Lately something strange has been happening to me. And I mean, VERY strange. Abnormal really.

I don’t know how to really explain it but I’ll give it a go. Now you must know, im usually an emotional person but I go to great lengths to make sure that its hardly ever visable. I know why and wont delve into that right now, but anyone who knows my history can probably make an educated guess.

But lately I’ve been crying.

No not because of something sad, or even happy if im honest. I’ve been crying about Christmas.

Now I know how that sounds, so no im not insane or anything. Just I’ll be listening to a song or watching a film and then suddenly im brimming up with tears for no apparent reason.

And I NEVER cry.

As a child ... sure! I could cry like the best of them. I could produce crocodile tears at the drop of a pin and real ones even easier. Scarcely a day went by where I didn’t cry, and then my Nan died and I just got fed up with everything. Long story short I repressed emotions (for various other reasons too) and I never cry anymore.

To this day, thinking of my Nan is the ONLY thing that is guaranteed to make me shed a tear. But now, this!

I know its not serious or particularly interesting. Heck, I agree with that! But it IS intriguing.

Sure I love Christmas, a lot! I mean, like a lot a lot! But not enough to be that emotional about it. I mean, why this dramatic a change in so short a space of time?

Is it because im on my own completely private? it is because im away from my family? Is it an innate characteristic that is only JUST rearing it’s head?

Or is it just one of those random changes that affects us all?


A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack

I'm no expert in this area, but my guess would be that your emotions are becoming un-repressed again - for whatever reason, the mental knot around them is unravelling, and you are feeling things more strongly now than you did before. Something similar happened to me when I came out. It sounds as if you've gone from one extreme to the other, and I would guess that you will eventually settle down somewhere in between.

I would suggest that you mention this to whichever professional is keeping an eye on your mental health, when you see them next - I think it's the sort of thing they would like to know.

Meanwhile, I hope my latest post was what you wanted.



Anonymous said...

Well, we have something else in common. I've been experiencing this for a couple/three years now - drop of a hat, drops of tears. No apparent emotional reason, but triggerable by something emotional, maybe, a movie scene, music, not sure. Maybe we're just sensitive people.

I agree with Mark. Letting your professional know is a good thing. You've only been on the meds steadily for a while, it could just be adjustment to them, too.

You are back in Woking by now I expect, so good on you! Hope the trip was nice. Get busy baking, I certainly will be later this week!

Peace <3

Wayne said...

Hi Jack! You know, I think most guys including straight guys are more emotional than you think. I guess for guys it is an instinctual defense mechanism not to show emotions like sadness or crying. Maybe Christmas brings back a feeling of 'belonging' and family that many people now miss. At my age now sometimes I hear an old song that brings back memories of happy times that I miss. I actually avoid oldies stations because of this lol. We all can get a little teary at times but don't dwell on it and move on to life's pleasant surprises. - Wayne :)(had my mountain bike out today; cold but sunny and beautiful!)

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