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Tuesday, 9 November 2010

My Problems Part 1

No, this post isnt a post about Peter, no need to worry x 
A few posts ago I talked about my ‘problems’ and promised to explain at another time. Well this time has come. I’ll set them out methodically, one by one, and there will be images and text that may offend some people; so go no further is this is you. So here goes ...

Since a child, I have suffered from Asthma and Eczema: and now they are back, and worse than ever. I am on the industrial strength inhaler (brown) which is one of the strongest you can have, and I have to take it 4x a day :/ effort! As for my eczema, it’s not as bad as it was in some places ... but I have two really bad parts on my hands. I literally have flaking skin, and have to use industrial strength cream for it lol. I’m just hyped up on steroids haha.

I also suffer from OCD. Its not diagnosed or anything, but it is quite obvious to me. I am constantly finding myself doing these things that I have no control over; and it scared me a bit at first. It’s not that major, and its not like the world will end, but they can affect your life quite a lot: for me its through humiliation and ridicule. I have to eat things in a certain way - I don’t know why – or I have to fidget if I sit still for too long. I find myself literally spelling out words (despite being shit at spelling) with my fingers or direction of sight. I have so many things that I just find myself doing, and it really aggravates me! I just feel broken all of the time.

But the main Problem with me is yet to come ...
Since I was about 10 years old I have always been depressed, and I would even go to say that I suffered from depression (yes there is a difference). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t come from a ‘broken’ home and I received plenty of love; but it was attention I lacked. And I know what you are all thinking ... oh boo hoo, a poor little attention-seeking child, and you’re right to some extent. But attention to a child, is like oxygen, they need it to live and grow up healthy. I always got the feeling that I wasn’t the favourite or particularly cared about; my parents never seemed to mind that I was awake past 3 am, they never seemed to care that I cried myself to sleep, they never seemed to care that I was withdrawn from society ... to overcome this I had two choices: turn to bad behaviour or good. It might sound obvious, but surprisingly many people choose the bad route. I was not one of them. I decided to always be polite, kind, considerate and most of all, I worked really hard at school. I realised that if I acted like this then I would get attention from my parents, and gain what was missing. But htis backfired not long after, when they expected this hard work. It was no longer “oh well done!” and became “why did you only get this grade?!” and so on.
My sisters were always fighting with me over petty things and then blaming me for them. They tried to kill me. Don’t believe me? One kicked through a door to get at me. It got to the stage where I started to feel down a lot of the time, I started comfort eating (and gained a lot of weight) and just lost the enthusiasm to do a lot of things. I just sat there on the sofa and watched as I lost one friend after another. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but it can really affect a child, when they see ALL of their close friends running outside to play, knocking on EVERY door ... but yours. Never thinking about that little kid who you used to play with. It got to the point where I ran away on a regular basis. I counted 17 before I gave up. They were never too far, and were more experiments than anything – just to see how my family reacted when they realised I ran away – do you know HOW they reacted? They didn’t. When I first started, I was too afraid to leave the house for good, so I used to hide in my wardrobe for hours, until someone would come in and shrug it off as ‘being a kid’; then I decided to hide on top of the shed to observe them. I would do anything to make sure that they realised I wasn’t there anymore (even barricading the stairs with my note) but each time they just ‘didn’t realise’ (even with the barricade). I ran away over night to the local park and climbed trees to hide and everything; not a flinch. Each time it was the same: “oh I thought you were upstairs” ... but when my sister is late for her curfew by a few hours, the police are involved. In the end I just gave up. That’s when I started...
There were other things involved (sexuality, friends, stress, isolation ect) but they all added to my sense of depression. I learnt hieroglyphics in my free time, with the intention of being able to write a dirary in public while no one was able to read it. It worked for a while, where I was able to write down how much I hated myself, and suicide plans in
secret ... until my friend got worried and found my translator. I stopped writing then, and started something else. I had a few friends who self harmed. So I tried it. I didn’t like it at first, it hurt, it was dangerous, it involved blood at a time where I was very squeamish. But I soon realised that I liked the after-burn. I got a taste for it. Soon I was slicing away at my wrists like no tomorrow, and simply covered it up with sweat bands. I used an old razor I broke to get the blades and kept it hidden in my room (even to this day), and I cut so much that I actually wore out my wrist. I can no longer cut it without cutting a vein or artery. But this is a good thing I guess. So in short, I eventually went to a Doctor to see if he would send me to a specialist or just drug me up, but he did something much worse. He laughed at me, and to quote him, when I told him about when I tried to overdose he said “what was I on? Skittles?!”. This broke my confidence down completely, and to this day I refuse to go and see a Doctor about this. But I am on the rough and rocky road to recovery, and hardly ever cut myself. Not amazing, but its better than nothing. And Peter has been amazing since i've known him: he's stood by me and been there when i needed him. I love him and he loves me even if i'm broken. He is just so perfect, and makes me want to stop. I hate the scars it has left me with, but each of them have their own story to tell. ...
I have many more 'problems' but these are the main ones and the ones that affect me most. I dont think i've shared this much with people before, but i wanted to x
Jack xx
(P.S. Sorry for sounding so pathetic lol)


Anonymous said...

Wow. That's quite a story. You have had a troubled life. I hope you can find your way to a happy future.

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine how difficult this was to write. You do NOT sound pathetic at all. You are a young man who is slowly but surely coming into the realization that as bad as it's been, it's getting better.

It'a awful when even the adults in your life abuse you in such ways. I hope you're finding that we're not all like that, and the ones you should count among your friends are the ones that take you seriously.

Your story is likely to ring true with some of your readers, and hopefully, others who find their way here and see that you can overcome terrible things. I sincerely hope you are.

Thanks for trusting us with your story.

Peace <3

A Wandering Pom said...

Dear Jack

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hope that telling us will help you in coming to terms with all this and moving on. You don't sound pathetic: you are explaining, calmly and with dignity, the environment that you have grown up in, and the effects that it has had on your mental health. To me, this should not regarded any differently from someone explaining an equivalent situation about their physical health.



Anonymous said...

That is one life story. I've seen other bloggers going through something similar to yours and despite reading it still hurts just as much as the first time to know that you had to go through so much in your life.

The hieroglyphics was a new one to me. Of all things said in your post, that was the one that really threw me.

Glad you actually took the time to write this and tell us and I'm glad you have Peter to help you recover.
Don't forget if you want to talk to someone you can talk to one of us here.

Take Care (btw did you see U.S. Dr? b/c that sounds like something one here would say no joke, sadly)

Anonymous said...

Big Guy!

Maybe I'll call you that from now on. Thank you so much for sharing your story - and OK, there's a bit more still to come, you said.

The asthma and eczema are both things I've had too (from my mum who suffered with asthma and 'hay fever' so badly).

To some extent hormone changes in your body make both things worse and to some extent both can be made worse by worrying about stuff. Of course keeping as calm as possible is helpful to both - and not scratching! There may be diet adjustments for eczema but you probably know all about that stuff.

Cutting yourself and hiding away are both inward-looking reactions. They are things which you can do which don't affect anyone else, apparently.

Jack is a really good reason to try another way. To try to make things better by doing stuff for someone else because of how nice they are in return. If you can be there for Jack and give to him the attention, love and affection you know he wants and he can give that back to you - then you've no need to worry about much else really.

That love is worth more than everything else put together.

Billy said...

It's a brave step putting your story out there like that. Anything but pathetic. The fact that you can say that stuff is a great sign because it means you are dealing with it.

It's a reminder to me that if someone tells you they're hurting you've got to respect that expression of pain. Trivialising it does so much damage.

JSL said...

Jack, Thank you for this must have taken alot of courage to write it. I am glad you shared with us the issues and problems you have had in your life. By coming out and telling us, i believe is a big step in being able to start and move on with your life. I doubt whether anyone thinks of the word pathetic when they talk about show strength every day in getting on with your life. I for one am proud of you. You may have been let down in the past, but hopefully you will get a group of people around you as well as Peter to support you all the way in whatever life throws at you . Take Care

Jack xx said...

Thank you Brian, it means a lot :)

Jay: I know that not all adults are like that, and i dont blame my parents for this, they live busy lives and had two other kids to look after: i was simply overlooked. Thanks for the support, and i too hope to help others x

Thanks Mark, granted it was a big step to tell you all about this (i've never told anyone this before) but your right, i do trust you, blogger and everyone here :)

Haha, that it is Ethan, that it is. The Hieroglyphics was a logical step for me (i LOVE Ancient Egypt and i wanted privacy), but why did it throw you so surprisingly? And no, the doctor was English ... i hope American Doctors arn't really like that, as they may do more damage than good :S

Yh Micky, hayfever is a bitch, if you'll excuse my language lol. The hormones, i wouldn't have thought would change so drastically over the last year ... but who knows. And i have already looked into diet and this isnt affecting it. But maybe stress is lol, would make sense :( and dont worry, i dont scratch :P ... much lol.
I agree about the cutting part being private and inward, but would dissagree about it only hurting you. At first it may seem so, but i have learnt from experience that it really does affect others. This was one of the main reasons why i tried to stop.
I am also presuming you mean Peter in the last part, but either way the message is clear and true, and i couldnt agree more x

Thank you so much for the support Billy, it was a difficult step to take, but i felt like i had to. For me, for you and for blogger. Trivialising things - whether they are mental, physical or spiritual problems - will never turn out right. and yet, people still do it :(

And finaly James. Your comment meant a lot to me. I dont mean to be self-involved or anything, and i know people say that i'm not pathetic, but its just one of those things i cant help but think of about myself. But you have a point about me getting on with my life (although i still have relapses every once in a while) but i am trying to get better, so its the first step i guess. And i think i do have a group who support me ... you guys ... you're always here for me (and Peter)and i really do appreciate it!

Thank you one and all xx
Jack xx

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack

It can sometimes take quite a while for the words to become clear in my head for the things I want to say. But now that they have, I think I may not be able to sleep until I get them written down. So here are some more reactions:

- I'm saddened by the way people in your life, your family and friends, have treated you, though not, I'm afraid, very surprised - people can be frighteningly thoughtless sometimes.

- I'm shocked by what your doctor said to you. I know some are a lot better at understanding mental health issues than others, but you might expect some degree of sympathy and concern. I don't think this varies much by country, though - on average American doctors are not likely to be better or worse than British ones. I would suggest that you change to another GP: you're entitled to choose one that you're comfortable with.

- Finally, I would very much like to give you a big hug, and reassure you that it will be OK. But I'm here, and you're there, so I hope this will do for the moment:



Anonymous said...

I was talking about all the adults: the doctor, the parents, everyone...but no, it isn't OK that you felt you were overlooked. I'm the oldest of 4 kids. I swear that when my siblings came along I never felt less loved or overlooked. I don't think they ever felt less loved or overlooked because they all had older sibs. My dad worked long hours, and while mom was a "stay at home mom", that wasn't very descriptive since she wasn't home much between schelping us kids around, or when she was out doing her own thing. I guess it's the fact you feel overlooked that is so awful to me. There's no excuse for overlooking your child! And I am NOT belittling your feelings, please don't think so. Also, you must know how happy I am that the feelings of suicide were never carried out. I know my life has been enriched since you come into it.

The tough things in life are the hardest to let out. Yet letting them out does a person so much good. Again, thank you for sharing your innermost secrets with us, and I hope the catharsis I felt by "letting it out" is felt by you, too.

Peace <3 (and HUGS)

Jack xx said...

Thanks for the re-posts you two :)

Mark: i agree, people can be (and are) thoughtless, but you get used to it haha. As for the doctor, i was rather shocked too, but it was this reaction that kinda made me afraid of going to the doctor for this. But luckily i go to an 'open' doctors, which means i get seen by whoever is on duty, so its not too bad :/ and thanks for the hug ... *hug* to you too :)

Jay: well it is just my opinion that i was overlooked and im sure that in their eyes i was perfectly looked after :/ but i'm glad that not everyone had to go through this. Dw, i didnt think you were belittling my fellings and no i didn't succeed, but i certainly did try. a few times :( bt i guess if i did succeed then i would never have met Peter x and yh, they are the hardest, but also the best. Thanks :)

Jack xx

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