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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Back from the Brink

So today and last night have been surprisingly eventful, so I’ll break each section down into bite-sized pieces for yall :)  ...  Oh, and sorry or the Pictures, my camera isn't very good lol.
IT’S SNOWING!!!! Or at least, it was. It wasn’t much – only about 1 or 2 inches – but here in England, we take snow very seriously. We are either over prepared, or under. But I think my college is Psychic as they managed to give us the ONE day off (randomly on a Tuesday too) that it snows. And they had it scheduled before anyone even heard about the ‘arctic wind’. So I didn’t mind, day off and I got to spend it doing all kinda of Christmassy stuff! Half way through the day me and some friends went down our local shops to just hang-out and get some ‘munch’ (food, to the rest of yall), and it was great fun. We spent about an hour making a 10 min trip! And it was great just chatting to them, which I haven’t done in ages! But of course the snow stopped earlier and so I have college again tomorrow.

(For Peter, and all you out there who have never heard this. Not the original but I prefer this one, and it reminds me of Peter and me)
I wanted to surprise my family today by making sure that when they left the house, for work, it was normal; and by the time they got home, it was completely decorated! In case you haven’t guessed, I am a complete Christmas fanatic! I get it from my mother, lol. So I woke up early and talked to Peter for a while (I’m getting to that!!!) which kinda screwed up my schedule, but it was worth it. So after that, I climbed up into our attic and got down ALL of our decorations ... by myself! And don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of decorations! About 10 boxes. BIG BOXES. I even found my old Beanie-Baby collection (a further 3 or 4 boxes) and had a nice stroll down memory lane. I was being pretty loud throughout and my Sister still slept through it all! So I precariously climbed down, assembled our tree and spent my day off decorating to make the family in the Christmas mood. But what did I get home to? “Oh... I was going to do that another time as I didn’t want it like this”. Oh, ok. Not even a comment on how nice it looked, or the effort, or even the fact that I had to do all this on my own! – I mean, climbing up and down a ladder with my arms full, and then down the stairs is no easy task! – but w/e.
Ok, so now onto last night’s event down that dark, dark, road. Which I dragged Peter down. By the hair. I had a little ‘episode’ and I feel really bad. I’m sure some of you have read Peter’s blog where he hinted around this but didn’t explain, so I will. Jake kinda gets to me and can make me a little down about me and Peter; that mixed with the need to self harm after my cat drew blood, and just a random depressive episode; caused me to get REALLY down. To the point of wanting to self harm and even think about suicide. Don’t worry, I don’t want to self harm and I could never leave Peter (in ANY way!) but I just hate getting those thoughts. How? When? Where? Impact? The list is endless. Sometimes I just hate myself, and I drag others down. So in the end I just crawled into bed for a dreamless sleep :/
Fortunately I awoke in a better mood, which was greatly improved when Peter came online, and I'm glad to say that I am Back from the Brink. We had a mini-date (the first successful one) and it was great. The worst thing that happened? Our attempt at playing Monopoly failed. Terrible! I know! But I’m sure we’ll live, lol. I just love spending time with him. I just love him. It was our One Month Anniversary today, and although we didn’t talk much after this, I don’t care. I got to talk to my amazing bf, which set my mood for the rest of the day. I just can’t wait until we can be together ...

(From Ugly Betty ... yes I watch it, problem? ... this is a sub-plot about how Justin has a secret boyfriend and even gave me some ideas for Peter, hehe)

I love you baby! I really do! No matter what I say, I always will!
~ A Smitten Jack xx


jaygeemmm said...

As is becoming usual, read your chat history!
Peace <3

wayner said...

'Just another Teen Wanker' had a really good snow day lol. Well Jack there is always someone who wants to rain on your parade, that is life. You are taking this much too seriously. You and Peter have a wonderful online relationship; problem is that the Atlantic Ocean is separating you guys. (I think Gay Andy is in Texas or southern California; a wonderful Latino gay teen) But you really need to get off the bipolar trip; 17 is a wonderful age to be and you should quickly banish dark thoughts. Don't go to pieces at setbacks cos there will be lots of them throughout life. People who emotionally upset you on purpose are exposing their own inadequacy. Put things in perspective, pick yourself up and go for the joy of life that eventually comes around. Maybe a trip to Texas next summer? bfn - Wayne :) (two thumbs up for Ugly Betty!)

Jack xx said...

I'm afraid its not that simple Wayner. I find it quite difficultto change my mood or perspective when i'm like that. If i believe the world is flat, then the world IS flat. And setbacks are usually minor, it was just the combination of stuff that made it worse :/
And dw, me and Peter are already thinking about it, it takes a lot of planning. And lol at least i'm not the only one who watches Betty :P

Thanks, jack xx

Love<~Peter~> said...

its almost dec first! nine more days baby and yeah wayne we are trying really hard for a summer trip.but we will be together but you must admit we all have our moments where we need a little self pity but i can promise you i talked to my bf and he went to bed happy Love<~peter~>

Not out but want in said...

Hey Jack
Your lucky this is the fourth day in a row we have had snow in Glasgow I cant ever remember it being so deep or disrupting, Glad you and Peter are supporting each other. You may be many miles apart but with a PC and a camera you can still be close and intimate xx

Micky said...

It's snow on snow in the Peak District and I've not any boots which come high enough to keep it out! Gonna have to tie boards to my shoes!

Just seen a family coming back up the hill from the Iceland shop (!) with the kids towing mum's shopping on their sledge. Real northern dwellers would be proud of us Englanders!

Jack - you can maybe find routines of thought and deed to use when things start to pile up. I'm darn certain we all say things we shouldn't to one another in times of stress or anger and if these things get said to any of us it can cut to the quick.

How are your friends at coping?

Jack xx said...

I know baby! And we are :) I love you xx

Haha Mark, sounds like a good time up there in Glasgow. So you like the snow? (when it isnt interupting your 'plans' lol) And you don't have to tell me twice ;) haha x

I thought it would be deep up there Micky, and LOL at the family. Ironic that they shopped at Iceland? :P But "routines of thought" dont work for me and usually get me more rallied up :/
And as for my friends; i'm not quite sure what your asking... Most of then do or have self harmed (most have stopped now) and we are all there for each other, but if you mean how are they with me then, not great. I told one of my friends everything (my hopes, dreams, fears, habbits, even about Peter) but i must og offended her and now we hardly speek. Which is a shame because we used to be amazing friends. So i tent to try not to tell my close friends if i am down, just in case. I can usually manage on my own :)

Jack xx

Ethan said...

lol yeah it was doing a bit of snowing here too not to long ago
Glad you had fun talking to your friends

Never did get into the whole Beanie-Baby thing
That is what I call an amazing sleeper
Aww to bad ok here is good job from me

Some people are just like that kind of sad but it does happen.

I've said enough about Jake so I will just end my comment with this; you know if you need to just talk you know where you can find me. And thanks for helping me out earlier today

Take Care

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