Deviancy!

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Sunday, 14 November 2010

My Date ...

Ok, so I’m sure all of you already know what happened on mine and Peter’s date, but here is my side of the story... and I’m going to do it in as kind of run-through of the night x
...
Ok, so here were my first thoughts of our date, taken from my diary post at the time:
Ok, so it is 4.05 am, but it is still the 14th, so be quiet! So I am just at the beginning of a date with my amazing bf. He doesn’t class it as a date as we are not alone, and we couldn’t do anything that we wanted, but I don’t care. I am with him and that is all that matters. Besides, his mum and brother are there, so (as I’ve said) I see this DATE (yes it is a date) as having skipped a few steps and I am now meeting the family, so to speech. I love him so much. But because we couldn’t do anything alone or ‘special’ in his yes, then he is upset.
But I see such sorrow in his eyes at times, it hurts me. Like physically hurts me. I love him and don’t want him to suffer at all. He just looks so sad and alone, I just want to give him a big ol’ hug and kiss, and tell him everything will be ok. But I can’t :( he is hurting and I can’t be there for him; only though a screen. This isn’t good enough :( but I can’t do anything about it, or else I will lose him, and I can’t bear with that.

But this wasn’t the only thing on my mind:
Here is only one other thing that is playing on my mind. And that is Jake. Peter told me that Jake sent him a “hot” topless picture of him. I am not worried about this because I trust Peter and I know he won’t do anything. I just don’t like the idea of Jake getting in the way and taking Peter away from me. I mean, some of the stuff he told me I believe him (like that he could force Peter to do stuff on cam), I mean I don’t think it’s because Peter would cheat on me or anything, but more because it will be months until we can do anything and he has a high sex drive. I’m trying not to be the jealous bf kind, but it’s just so hard when you have such an amazing bf that you fear losing :( I think I’m just being sad ... am I, oh all knowing Diary?!

And so then the actual event happened, where we were ‘camming’ with each other, and I wanted to do something and go that extra step, so I showed my face while we were doing it. It doesn’t sound that big of a deal, but it was a big step for me as neither of us has shown both heads at the same time (so to speak) and it made me feel exceptionally vulnerable. At which point he got my name wrong. Sure, this actual event made me upset and needless to say turned me off, but it just confirmed me biggest fears that I’m not the one he wants. And before you all go off on one haha, I know that he does love me and I love him back, but this was just how my twisted mind works. This was just the final straw that made me break down and cry, because I actually thought that I had lost him... fortunately I don’t think he could see me crying that much. We talked a bit after and he told me about how Jake had been sending him a couple of pictures, which did upset me, but I know it wasn’t to do with Peter and he resisted his “temptation”, which I love him for. And he also has resisted temptation a couple more times as well <3 I have forgiven him for what happened (even if he still gets our names confused haha) but he needs to forgive himself xx



I don't want an ending Peter :(
...
So you guessed it: I’m, pretty insecure about this whole thing. I love Peter, and I still find it difficult to believe that this is happening. I mean, how is it that a complete hunk of a guy who is so kind and caring towards everything likes me? HOW?! So yes, I am very insecure about losing him, and for good reasons too I think. There are many more, but they escape me; so here they are:
  •  Jake says he can take Peter away at any point
  •  Jake says he can get Peter to do stuff on camera with him (which is one of the only ways we CAN cheat, because that’s what we do)
  •  Jake sent him a “hott” shirtless picture (and a nude one too)
  •  Peter said that he will never talk to him again ... and now they ARE talking :/
  • I still find it hard to believe that someone like Peter likes me 
  • I showed ‘both heads’ at once which made me feel vulnerable
  • I love Peter and don’t want to lose him ... EVER
  • I don’t know what he is doing in his free time (i.e. Is he going to the Track or to fuck someone or sending pictures back to Jake ect) ... I know that he is being honest with me and wouldn’t do that, but there is still that hesitation because I can’t be there with him
  • I feel guilty that I can’t be there with him
  • And the final thing: He keeps calling me Jake
So I do love you baby, and we can get over this, its just I have this running through my head which means I am prone to thinking you are leaving me or don’t love me ... despite what my mind tells me, my heart disagrees.

I LOVE YOU BABY! And I’m sorry x
Jack xx

10 comments:

Ethan said...

-hack hack cough cough- sorry it was a cold night and the heater did more then just heat it also dried me out a bit... A LOT actually.
So much so that I had to get some water between typing this comment.

Honestly based on what I see Peter is saying, I do not think that he would leave you nor would he cheat on you. Yes he does have a high sex drive though I think he is using you as the outlet.

I think Peter needs to set some rules down with Jake b/c he did once have feelings for him and despite what he said, Jake does seem to be trying to work his way into the relationship and break it up.

Peter doesn't need Jake, he needs you Jack and I'm glad he has found you b/c with Jake it was more depression then happiness but with you it is lots of happiness and I'm glad of that.

As for the whole name thing, that is a tough one seeing how my name is Ethan but I get called Nathan (and I'm not talking about bf I mean in general)

Also Peter has a habit of being a bad speller in his blog post so don't be too hard on him though I keep telling him he needs to work on his spelling and grammar

Well take care and know that the Sun will come out after this storm

Ethan

jaygeemmm said...

I can certainly understand everything you've said. I read Peter's blog, too, before coming back here. The distance thing is tough. Remember, the "other guy" isn't down the street either, though. You two are early in the relationship, and there is a 3rd party out there that clearly wants to butt in (and that you've been warned might happen), whom Peter needs to explain that he is not interested in any more and he needs to leave Peter alone. That's not easy to do. Believe me, I know, I've nearly come to blows with an interloper before, and lost someone I thought was a friend as a result. But anyone who is acting like Jake is, isn't a friend to either of you. I understand that he is young, too, so there are maturity issues that come into play here, but a gentle let down has got to be better than being strung along, perhaps seeing mixed signals in a continued friendship encourages him to think that Peter does want him back.

Uncertainty, and the head/heart struggle isn't easy. Be strong, trust your bf, and be sure that only the best is likely to come of your devotion to one another. You're right about one thing for sure: You will get over this. And you're wrong about another: Being sorry for being honest about your thoughts and confusion and fear, that's natural, and you shouldn't feel like you need to apologize for feeling the way you do.
Peace <3
Jay

Jack xx said...

Thanks Jay :) xx

Brian said...

The names 'Jake' and 'Jack' are just so similar that it is easy to get them confused and mixed up. When he is thinking of you, he is picturing your face not the spelling of your name. Unless he forced his mind to concentrate on the name, it is easy to understand how they might get mixed up. And with both heads showing, his mind certainly wasn't focused on names. So, I think you are concentrating on this (these?) mistakes too much. Ease up a little and don't get off on a wild destructive tangent.

JSL said...

Peter/Jack,

I'm sending you the same comment :p all of us can see that you 2 feel deeply about each other and have fallen in love with each other..
you both know how difficult this will be but i can see you are both prepared for what may lie ahead. As long as you are both honest and open with each other then things will be fine between you.

Everyone has done the wrong name before at the start of a relationship..especially if that other person has a similar name and is still around..especially if they are causing stress... which Jake is

The one good thing about an online relationship is it makes you talk all the time which many couples in real life relationships dont do, and you guys talk alot so are stronger

ou are both awesome guys who deserve to find happiness together, so take care and good luck.

James

jacks got my msn, but if you ever want it Peter, just ask

Jack xx said...

Thanks Brian, i know i shouldnt get caught up, i just cant help it :/ But you do have a point about what he was thinking about :) x

And thanks James, your right about how common it is. And we are forced to talk a lot more, which i like :) lol, and thanks for the support, i hope you find happyness too xx

Jack xx

jaygeemmm said...

Love you both, you clowns! You know I do!!!
Peace <3
Jay

Micky said...

Obviously we all look for little signs to confirm our bf or Partner loves us and perhaps if we realise that then we start to give some little signs back.

I don't think you should be setting tests and barriers (like sexual fidelity) for each other - particularly not when you can't be physically together! Heavens - there's no particular reason why gay couple have to be sexually monogamous - and many are not!

Trust and love do not depend upon the act of sex - it's the emotional and real love ties which form the bond. Without that element couples won't stay together anyway.

Jack xx said...

Thanks Ethan, sorry for the late reply it was in my spam box :/ I know but is the using me as an outl,et good or bad? And i agree about the spelling thing (and name) and we have talked it through and sorted it out ... at least i think we have. But only time will tell.

And Micky, true me and Peter have decided not to sleep with anyone else. But we have also both agreed that the option is there ... we are CHOOSING not to sleep with others. If Peter wants to have sex with someone i dont mind, it is something i cannot give him: but neither of us want to have an online relationship with someone else (ie. jacking off on webcam) or emotional relationships ... as these are the only ways we can cheat x But i appreciate your concern :)

Thanks again, Jack xx

Ethan said...

That doesn't surprise me one bit I seem to have that happen to my email too.

Good b/c it means he loves you and wants you to be the only person that he shares his body with and no one else b/c he feels like only his bf should be the only one to see "the goods" :P

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