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Friday, 12 November 2010

My Problems Part 3

Yes, there is a third instalment. But this should be my last as ... well, I can’t think of anything else lol.

So this all began years and years ago, back when I was a little child. I have already mentioned how I turned to food as a source of comfort and relief from day-to-day life; but I haven’t really talked about the impact this had on me. I was always a big child, and when I started this I became a huge child! It got to the point where every day after school I would go to the local shops and buy two BIG packets of crisps for £1. And these are not normal sized crisps, and when I say big, I don’t mean big-normal packets, I mean HUGE! Haha. But fortunately my metabolism kicked in and I didn’t gain any more weight ... I just didn’t lose it. I had asthma and hated exercise with a passion, so I was constantly big. I was picked on a lot as a child, and always felt like an outcast.

Well over the years I tried a multitude of different diets and regimes but none of them worked. And then one day I got the courage to try some diet pills: they worked; but they cost a fortune and I couldn’t afford this. But as they were meal-supplements I got this crazy idea to reduce what I ate, or even stop. But I didn’t carry this out... I was amazed; and by now I had trained my body not to be hungry anymore, so I didn’t have to work, although I chose to. I knew (and still do) that this was ridiculously unhealthy for my body and that I would just put this weight back on after I stop this stupid thing; but I loved the results too much, and was never hungry anymore. I always find excuses why I can’t eat. Breakfast I am either “late to college” or I will “eat when I get there” but never do; lunchtime “I am too busy to eat” but dinner is the most complicated. I used to eat about 3 meals a week because my parents kept moaning that I ate too much junk food (my excuses often revolved around take-out) ... ironic.
But my family soon realised a change in me ... not only was I losing weight (to my delight) but I also seemed more confident and  outgoing. It is at the stage where if i wear my old trousers, while going up the stairs, they litterally fall down around my feet. The only problem was that this did little to change my parents belief in me. When I lost enough weight to go down a shirt size, they didn’t believe me and insisted that I buy one too big because “it wouldn’t fit”, even though it would, and that “I might put the weight back on” which I haven’t. The only problem I found was that I had fucked up my body quite a lot, and I now find it hard to be hungry or eat. I lose my appetite quickly and even little things can put me off; so that there are days where I simply forget to eat.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not skinny or anywhere near it, but that’s the thing about anorexia, it affects everyone. The young, the old, the thin the fat: they’re all the same, its just that people only pick up on the stick-thin people. I am proud to say that I am eating more, and eat dinner almost every night. I know this is not amazing, but it is a lot for me, and is a big step in making sure I don’t damage my body too much more. As always I would not recomend this to anyone! Sure it may make you thinner, but at what cost? So I beg you PLEASE! don't do this to yourself and those around you x


So that is me. I am a sickly, depressed, OCD, overly cautious and easily up-settable anorexic ... who is fat, sad, alone and pedantic about the world. Ironic isn’t it?

Jack xx


Brian said...

I wish I could train myself to not be as hungry as I normally am. I have to force myself to eat less to keep from gaining weight, but that doesn't keep me from being still hungry. Please tell me how to train my body to not be as hungry. I don't want to be anorexic, but I sure would like to eat less and not still be hungry.

Billy said...

You're a young guy facing challenges with real honesty and bravery. You are not running away and hiding, you are reaching out. Stick with that attitude and, really, it does gets better.

I'm hesitant to give advice, but it's important to find a form of exercise you feel comfortable with and not too self-conscious. I ride a bicycle wherever I can; jogging is good - at night or very early in the morning; some people like swimming - find a quiet time. It gets your body working better, your appetite improves, you eat better, you get that endorphin buzz, you start to feel better about your body.

jaygeemmm said...

I have to second Billy about the exercise. Now that I'm feeling better mentally, it's time to start getting the 100-odd pounds I put on in the last 44 months back off again. I wish it didn't get dark so quickly at night now, cause I love walking a loop at a nearby park (that closes at dusk), and although there are times when I walk it that I feel like I'm gonna die, the end result is that I feel better in the long run. I guess now it's back to the gym I pay $45/month for and never can find some exercise you can do, too.

I hate all those adjectives you used to describe yourself...especially since you seem to be trying to take positive steps to help yourself, and it is proven that you can't be helped if you don't want to be - whether you do it yourself, or with help from others.

I think the most important thing is that the last sentence is not ALL of you! How about the loving, intelligent, mature Jack that I chat with, and hear so much good about from a certain bf? The friendly Jack...the Jack that shows a side of himself here that I'm not sure he totally recognizes as himself!

Thanks for NOT being the sad, alone Jack with us!

Peace <3

Jack xx said...

Haha, Brian i think you missinterpreted the aim of the post. It was to tell my story and hope that those out there can learn from my mistakes. Key word there being MISTAKES. But in answer to your question, it involves not eating for a few months and making sure that every spare second is filled with something to do that will tkae your mind off of your stomach eating itself.

Thanks Billy, i hope so. And as for the excersice, i have tried most and the only one i really like (swimming) involves stripping off for everyone to see, so i am hesitant lol; but i have tried jogging so will try to keep that up :)

And thank you Jay too,i also love walking, butt i have to admit, i like walking in the dark more haha. But i hope we can start excercising properly lol, who knows even together? HAHA.
But unfortunatelly, those adjectives are not only what i think of myself, but they are me. And thank you, but what did you mean when you said "the Jack that shows a side of himself here that I'm not sure he totally recognizes as himself!" ? :S

Thank you everyone, Jack xx

Brian said...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to divert attention from the aim of your post, but what you said about controlling your appetite intrigued me. If you could develop a method for curbing one's appetite and publish it, you would soon be a rich person. A large percentage of this country's population would pay almost anything to gain control over their appetite. I've noticed that when I'm really busy I can ignore my stomach's demands. I guess that's my main problem: I don't stay busy enough.

Jack xx said...

Haha, no need to appolagise, i was just saying that there is more to it than controling your appetite. And so you must take mor into account. But yes haha, i may have to publish a book now ... :P
Jack xx

Micky said...

I have to say that one way of doing it without self harming is to drink a lot and in effect fill up on tea or something you like but without too much fat or sugar in it. But you still have SMALL meals at least twice if not three times a day.

Most particularly keep fat and carbohydrate right down low in your diet.

(Sorry Jack - but at least this way's safe if coupled with moderate exercise.)

Thanks for talking about it so openly and thanks for getting some more sanity into your eating habits.

I suppose it's your self-image which is faulty now!

A Wandering Pom said...

Dear Jack

As with your previous "Problems" posts, thanks for posting this, and for trusting us enough to do so. I'm sure it can't be easy to bare your soul in this way.

On reflection, I'm not surprised that you have an eating disorder: they seem to be a very common outcome of the sort of stress and unhappiness that you have suffered from. As I understand it (and I'm certainly not an expert in this), there are two things you have to keep in balance:
- Diet: you need to eat enough of the right sorts of food to be properly nourished;
- Exercise: you need to do enough exercise to burn off all the energy you get from the food.
I think the exercise does not need to be particularly heavy-duty: I typically walk a couple of miles a day, mostly between home and work, and that seems to be enough for me.

Finally, you listed a series of adjectives that you use to describe yourself; I would like to add some more. You are:
- loving and lovable (I'm sure Peter can testify to those);
- intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate;
- brave (e.g. posting these last three posts) and determined.
It can be very easy to find all the faults in oneself, and much harder to see all the good things. Nevertheless, they are there. Jack: I have a lot of respect for you; you're someone I want to know, and would like to be a friend. I hope, and expect, that life will be much better for you in the future than it has been up to now.



jaygeemmm said...

I understand that the adjectives are part of you. I wanted to encourage you to remember the other qualities that I see others have pointed out since, too, because that is where the strength to overcome the rest will come from. And yeah, you make it here, or I make it there, we can go on a long walk! Even at night, because there will be someone to lead this blind old bat around!
Peace <3

Love<~Peter~> said...

hi baby! i think most of this has been cover and you know I love that you are getting better I love you and remember you are never alone my phone is always on it always annoying wakes me up usually... but i love you baby and i am proud of you for puttingyourself out there you already know i have admitted that i could never do this not without hiding something and i still love watching you eat you say hobo i say bunny you are my bunny Love<~Peter~> hehe jack rabbit xx

Jack xx said...

Oh no Micky, i was just saying that that was how i did it, and i meant to say that any variations (including those that you said) will also work lol x

Mark: I know that diet and exercise are important, and that is why i am trying to change them :) and thank you for the support and kind words :)

Thanks Jay, it means a lot, even if sometimes o dont agree with how you guys discribe me :( but sure! one LONG walk sounds good haha :P

and finaly ... my baby. i love you too and thanks x we can help each other to recovery :) my little baby (who isnt so little lol) love you xxx

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