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Saturday, 4 December 2010

We Made Love ...

Yes, it may sound strange, and yes we are still separated by a deep dark chasm filled with freezing cold water and underwater animals. We spoke this morning and as I had another day off college (the busses’ were not running) then we stayed up for a long time. We talked about almost everything and it was just easy and carefree. At first I was a little tired as I had got 4 hours sleep ... yes, we spoke only hours before and it still felt terrible being away from him ... but I soon wakened up. Then, typically just as my dad is getting up, things take a sexual turn. But it was different this time, it was carefree, it was honest and exposed. I loved it. And I love him.
We did anything and everything this time, and it was a milestone. We took pictures of our amazing boyfriends, we jerked and even did a little penetration; and some more stuff that was SO romantic, but I’ll leave off here lol. We didn’t do anything major, but it signified a giant leap in our trust of one another and I would like to think that with everything we did, it’s just a small token to show how much I love him. We even kissed for the first time. I know it is corny and probably sad, but it meant a lot to me and if its only a token of a real kiss, then sign me up!
We did not fuck. We made love.
So yesterday my dad came into the room and sat me down. It gets kind of frustrating when he does this, as he has only done it two other times. Once a few years ago when he left for about 2 weeks as he cheated on my mum; and the other was in may when mum left. Fortunately this time is was not as serious, but he told me that he got back in touch with the woman who he cheated on my mum with, and explained how they went for a drink together. And strangely enough, I am fine with it. As long as he is happy I don’t care who he is with. He expressed a lot of concerns about telling mum about her, as she can be kind of selfish some times (like it might ruin their friendship, as he cheated on mum with her, regardless of the fact that he came back and he let her move on).
I found it astonishing how similar our two predicaments are:
  • We both have secret partners (they are not dating, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they did).
  • We both can’t help who we ‘like’.
  • WE both have big secrets from our loved ones.
  • We both want to confide in each other.
  • We are both very concerned about how my mum will take our news.
  • We have both ‘hung out’ with our partners, but not gone on a ‘date’ (Physical baby, ok?)
  • We both would like to be able to bring our loved ones home to the rest of the family.
So I quickly realised this, and remembered that I would be coming out to him too, so I twisted my response a little. The famous phrase “treat others as you’d wish to be treated”, and that was exactly what I did. I mean I was ok with it, so it didn’t affect the content, I just made sure to say certain things: like “You can’t help who you love”; “It’s hard keeping secrets, especially when you’re not sure of someone else’s response” and “you shouldn’t chance who you are attracted to, or drawn to, just to fit in with someone’s restrictions on you”. There were a lot more, but I forgot them haha. But basically I just generalised them, hoping that if I emphasised how understanding and caring I am, that he might be the same with me: he even said that I get my compassion from him ... so here is hoping.
~ Ttyl, A Hopeful Jack x


Ethan said...

Peter said the same thing to many this morning.
And I told him the same thing. That you and him didn't have sex rather made love
Despite what some might think, love and sex are NOT the same thing and I do believe that for the first time (that I know of) you two have made love and not sex.

Take Care

Ethan said...

As for coming out to your dad I wish you luck on that and hope things go well for you

Micky said...

Mail me if you want to, Jack - but that sounds like a good conversation from your point of view and it let you prepare the ground a bit for when you talk to him.

He's obviously playing the 'good guy' if he makes the effort to seek you out for a chat about what's going on in his life at his 'significant moments' and yeah, I think he'd have to be an huge hypocrite if he balked at you being gay. And he doesn't sound like anything of the sort.

I'm so happy for you and Peter - and I love that you guys share it too!

Keep tight hold of him.

wayner said...

Wow, you and Peter are really an item now; so glad you both get on so well. The situation with your parents is tough for you, but it is between them and you must respect that. I hate to judge people who are accused of 'infidelity' cos there are always two sides to every story and usually the truth is somewhere in between. I hope you can stay on good terms with your mother and not take sides.
-Make sure your parents have the right attitude concerning homosexuality before coming out. It could mean the difference between a minor upset or being sent to a shrink or even worse a 'pray out the gay' religious conversion lol. If your dad has a fairly liberal attitude, then maybe things will go ok. Do keep in mind that your long-term education is very important for financial independence and freedom in your twenties; probably a good idea to stay in school until the current economic downturn is over. Be sure to get outside for some exercise occasionally. bfn - Wayne :)

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