Deviancy!

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Sunday, 12 December 2010

Such a Slut

Thank you everyone for my Birthday messages, but that was only half of the story. So Mum came over earlier than we planed and so we got to hang out and had a laugh. She even got me a bottle of Champagne and a Cake, bless her lol. But despite being early and going out about 7, it was still a rush lol. So we got a taxi into the town centre. She sept going on about me not telling her the name of my gf and if it wasn’t an argument about that, it was about how my new necklace is WAY too tight and looks stupid. What a nice birthday surprise ... :/
So we finally made it into the Pub, where my Dad bought a round and guess what ... They didn’t even ask my age!!! All of that worry and excitement you get for that moment of “Can I see your ID? ... Yes, here it is my good sir”, but no! Haha, typical.
Monster Energy ExportBut I had a great time in the pub with the family. Had a few more drink and got slightly pissed lol, which was fun. I am definitely a pub kind of person. I also discovered the joys of Vodka and Monster. Mmmm... Unfortunately one of my sisters had to go and work, but me and Ariel had a DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation). We talked about Peter, her bf, sex, telling Mum and Dad: and a whole lot more I have forgotten about. Eventually we had to leave, where I dragged my Mother to the taxi and dropped her off at her ‘regular’ pub, and I went on to my friends party.
It was a great night out (or rather in). I was late getting there obviously, so most people were already drunk/pissed, but I had fun with them. Some of my friends had got me cards and presents, like Joe got me a DVD called Beautiful Thing which is an amazing film btw lol, and they were all really nice. I even got to meet two of my Blogger Buddies for the first time: CJ at Verbal Abuse and Stefan at Conglats.  They are so cool. Random. But cool.
So the night evolved, and I got drunker and the night got funner, until it came time to drag Dana home. Not an easy task, but hilarious. So by the time I had walked her home and got back, it was time for bed. And this is where the night took ANOTHER wrong turn. And may I just point out, that at the end of my last post, I talked about how my day went from “good .. to bad ... to good ... to bad”, well let’s just say it didn’t stop then. Wouldn’t you know my luck, that I ended up sleeping next to Joe. And granted, I know yall out there will say how I was in control and how if I didn’t want anything to happen, then it wouldn’t have. And I know. It wasn’t that much, and I’ll save all you out there from the details, but I am a slut. There was a miniscule amount of over-the-trouser groping and prodding with a finger in the crotch area, until he came.
It was like someone took over me. I wasn’t even thinking about it, tbh I was daydreaming about Peter (corny but true) and the next think I know, he has soiled his underwear and I am like “Oh Shit!”. I hate myself for it, and can’t believe I did that to Peter. He assures me that he doesn’t care, and it wasn’t cheating ect, but it was. I get the distinct impression he is hurt by it. I just don’t know how to make things better between us. I feel like we are drifting a bit. I mean, I barely spoke to him today, same with yesterday, and when we have the opportunity to talk, we don’t. We’ll be on MSN or something and we’ll go quiet. I really hope there isn’t something wrong, I’d hate to lose him. But I think I have. Why do I have to do this to other people?! I always end up hurting them. Scaring them. As soon as they see my horrid personality they realise just how fucked up I am inside and how much shit they’ve got themselves into. Has Peter finally realised just how fucking stupid and pathetic I am? Should I just take a knife to my throat and end it, or would that just cause too much hassle for people to clean up?
So overall, it’s been a pretty crappy but ok 18th
...
So as I said, I was a complete idiot and douche last night, but cheating and I got barely any sleep for the rest of the night. I was just sat there thinking about how I could let this happen, and how I had foreshadowed it and everything, and how I have hurt Peter. So I woke up pretty shattered and with a hangover. I left her house early. I popped into Sainsbury’s and got some hangover food, before I popped home. Me and Peter chatted for a couple of hours, until I had to rush off as Ariel was giving me a lift to my friends house (to film)and was running late. So I’m sorry babe x
So we spent a good hour or so driving around the surrounding area’s as I am shit and don’t know directions and maps. Why do I fail at everything?! Then we eventually found it, when I receive a text saying can I find a backup singer, as our actor hasn’t confirmed whether he can make it. Which is fucking annoying as we only have ONE actor for our media coursework (we are producing our own music video for Enter Shikari’s Ok, Time for Plan B) and he keeps flaking on us. So in a car, about 3 minutes away from the set, I have to magic up a backup. Can you guess who had to star in it? ME. With some creative genius and luck, both me and my project partner are starring in our own music video, and we end up setting up for about 2 hours and filming for about 4. We had a great time, and decided that we are going to re-film all of our other shots (with our previous actor) with me, despite having our deadline on Friday, haha. Doomed much?
So that was my day today. Hung over, missing Peter, became an actor (again), and possibly fucked up my relationship for good as I am such a slut.
Interesting to say the least :/
...
I love you baby, and I miss you. For you:



I wish I could do this with Peter. Especially the woodland scene :(


~ An Adult Jack xx

8 comments:

Ethan said...

Sorry things got worse

I'm not going to talk about you doing stuff with another guy BUT I will talk to you about the last part of that sentence.

DON'T YOU EVEN JOKE ABOUT IT
Jack you are my friend. And everyone makes mistake and I'm not going to judge you for it but DO NOT think about killing yourself.

If you feel bad you know you can talk to me or someone else but killing yourself is not worth it one bit Jack.

You are a good guy. One who makes mistakes like ALL people but that is normal.

Jack you are my friend and I do want you around. I lost one friend 3 years ago to suicide I don't want to lose another one.

Your friend always,
Ethan

Micky said...

It's just so easy for guys to do stuff together. I mean - we're so randy and can cum here or there - almost anywhere - it's just so biological and easy.

Oh you're so very naughty but then if you were dancing and s/he rubbed you just a touch - you might well cream yourself. That'd be closer to what you call 'cheating' but I still don't really see it.

Your and Peter's relationship is an extension of friendship into trust and love if it's anything. As I said to you before - you really shouldn't be bothered by this 'monogamy' idea - you two are not even married or Civil Partners or anything. It's not like giving someone a grope and helping them enjoy themselves is breaking any public vow or anything.

It really is the smallest of things and shouldn't affect your relationship with Peter one jot.

But anyway - sounds like it was a remarkably cool 'family drink' which was sweet of them. And for your mum to bring a birthday cake and a bottle of fizz - just how good was that?!

Jack xx said...

Hi Micky,
It was really nice of her x
And i know it was a really minor thing, its just in my eyes i am dating someone so i want to be faithful. I've only ever cheated on someone once, and i payed the price for it. 7 years worth :( so i just dont want to do stuff with other people, but cant help it :(

And Ethan,
Dont worry, i didnt do anything last night. I mean, i did think of it, usually do, but i am jus in a bit of a funk atm, and have been for a little while. Dont think peter knows (or did know) mainly for the reason that it is difficult to be real sometimes and lying about it comes naturally. Plus there is the fact that i dont want to loose him or make him worry. Kind of like i did to you :(
I just mean that sometimes i wonder if it would be easier to just end it, here and how. How would it affect everyone else, if at all. And other times i know that i fail at everything. Hence why i am still here today. I just feel this overpowing urge to self harm atm, and feel like i am loosing the battle. So just, whats the point? Sorry about all of this, just venting :/

Jack xx

wayner said...

Your mother asking about your gf is certainly cringe-worthy. I had to live in the closet as a teen and I know how uncomfortable that feels. I do hope Peter doesn't expect you to be completely celebate or for you to expect him to not get any sex. You are both horny young guys and have your needs; let's be realistic. And do remember that the number one function of alcohol is to remove inhibitions. And many young homosexual couples have an understanding about sex outside their relationship; it does not mean that you don't love each other anymore. So Jack I think you are blowing this way out of proportion, please none of this self-loathing or self-harm stuff cos you need not feel ashamed of wanting some physical love. I would have loved to have a guy like you living next door to me when I was a teen! You are 18 now and you can discuss your relationship (and sex) with Peter in a mature way. Btw as I said in a previous post be careful with alcohol cos young guys get into so much trouble with it and dependence can build up over the years. bfn - Wayne (hugs) (nice to hear Mama Cass again!)

Rowan said...

Dude, calm it a minute, eh? :P

Micky makes a good point, you aren't married or civil partners or anything.
But as for my two cents (even though im totally useless on the subject of relationships) you stated you were drunk. Strange things happen when alcohol is involved.
Also - and again my (lack of) relationship knowledge should be taken into account - long distance realtionships. MSN as well. MSN is text speak and with the amount of time i have spent chatting to people in the past, you can trust me on this one, there is always likely to be periods of silence.
I expect you and Peter can chat on MSN for a good couple of hours so if it goes quiet for half an hour or so, i dont think it's anything to worry about. As i said, text speak. It can move very quickly when it wants to. Besides, after a certain experience a few months ago, MSN has fallen by the wayside for me no. I don't trust it, but thats just me :P

Sorry you say you had a crappy birthday tho, but im sure Peter will be fine, mate.

Oh and media videos!? Don't get me bloody started!
Music vidoes at that as well!
Must be the season for them. I'm doing one as well (for Electric Feel by MGMT) and the amount of work and stress that has gone into a 3 minute video is unbelievable. Doesn't help that the rest of my group dont know if it's New York or New Year.
I could have directed, filmed, and appeared in the whole video myself and it would have been quicker.
Luckily, we're post-procution just now, editing. So we can chill a bit.
But guess who that task has been assigned to?
Yep...

If not for my poor understanding of relationships, i can certainly understand what you're going through with the media video. You'll get there eventually tho :)

Rowan <3

Rowan said...

Btw, i lurve Beautful Thing. Smashing film xD

Jack xx said...

It is cringe-worthy but wont be for much longer. And no, neither of us expect each other to be monogomous. But i dont like to cheat (cheat = more than one lover; to me) and i dont expect Peter to be with only me, i just feel bad when i am with someone else.

And dw. i dont really like alcohol that much anyway. Jack xx

Jack xx said...

Hey Rowan, it certainly is a "smashing film" lol.

And haha, you really shouldnt get me started on Media. 4 years, multiple videos, about 5 different editing systems, teaching classes, upgrading cameras ... i've dealt with the lot and still love it haha! Post is the best part for me haha, but do not underestimate the length of time it can take. It is always worth putting in an extra hour or something just to make the timings right.

As for your group, don't let them push you arround. If you are doing all of the work, get a couple of them to stay behind to edit with you, teach them how to use it and then make them edit it (with you correcting their mistakes of course lol) or at least, let your teacher know that they're not pulling their weight. Dont let your grade suffer because of them.

You have a point about relationships and MSN, i just get a bit carried away and once i'm down, i'm down for the count. So sorry everyone lol.

Also, 3 minute? Is that all?! haha, we have a 5 min one with an added min of no music lol. But as i said, i'm always here to (as I'm sure peter would say it) 'Dork out' about media with you lol. Drop me a line sometime :P
Jack xx

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