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Friday, 25 March 2011

So sick of this!

URGH! I’m feeling so alone right now. I mean, yes, I’m probably closer to my friends than ever thanks to Josh, but I still feel really distant. I spend my time with them just being there physically but emotionally and mentally I’m on a far off planet on my own. Stranded. With no way home.

I find myself staring into space quite frequently, and then I just think about over my life and what I’ve lost.

I mean, Peter. I still love him to pieces, and honestly, if he asked me out again, I would say yes. But that’s the problem, he doesn’t want to go back out. Well, no; he wants to but he cant handle the distance, which means he has a tough decision to make.

I hate giving ultimatums, but I’ll give you guys some background information...

Since we broke up, I met someone. Nothing major, just a really good friend. Or so I thought. We spent AGES talking – like non-stop, and pretty soon he said that he liked me. So at this point, I said that I liked him too, but wasn’t sure if I ‘liked’ him, so I didn’t want to lie or anything, and said that something may happen but not now.

But of course, stupid fucking me, ruined things because he took this to mean that if we continue on as we are, then we will date. In the end, after like a week or being bff’s we have a talk. I felt like I was leading him on. Turns out he only wants wanted to be friends if we ended up dating, but I didn’t want to date him. Nothing wrong with him, but he was wasn’t peter. I know, fucking pathetic!

So we are no longer speaking, I barely talk to my friends and my family have no idea how I’m feeling because if they knew the truth about me, they’d probably lock me away for good.

So in the end, I felt like I was messing this guy around ... kinda like Peter was. Ironic, huh.

Not to say that Peter is intentionally messing me around, but he keeps saying how he loves me and everything, but then he also says that we cant be together. But he also isn’t averse to dating in the future. So I’m constantly kept on this metaphorical fence, waiting to fall one way or another.

So I ended up saying that he had to choose me and try again and learn from our mistakes, or we can be friends and make it nearly impossible to date again. But I told him I didn’t want an answer just yet.

So you guys know what I’m hoping his answer will be (and he will when he reads this).

No really!

It shouldn’t force him to choose me because that isn’t a relationship, and he has to decide what he wants to do for himself. I cant force him to.

So I just feel so isolated from the world. I keep meeting people that I cant be with, or else if I can be with, I fuck it up somehow.

Even my friends as college are starting to get pissed off at me. Like they always do. Like they do every year. Its an endless cycle. I make friends. I become comfortable with them. The find me annoying. They exclude me until I’m just ‘there’. I wander around on my own. I make friends.

I’m just so sick and tired of it! I just want someone who I can be friends with for a long time, and someone who I can love and who will love me back.

Earlier I was just sat there thinking about Joe and how we used to get the train together and hold hands and sneak kisses. I don’t want him back, but I miss that. I miss being with someone I really like and even love :(

I cant even focus in college. I literally spent all day drawing. Anything and everything. It all has significance to me and personal attachments, but to others it just looks like ... well, shit.

IDK, I just want ... Peter  Friends  Love  Someone.


And for all you cryptographers out there, have a go at this, I’ll be updating it every post. Email your answers to, the competition closes on Tonight!. You’ll win the coveted ‘Confronting the Confused Medal’ and the chance to join an elite society where you get to mock those who didn’t decipher it :P
Ok, so here it the next clue:   13.331.19860.1191600


A Wandering Pom said...



I'm sorry to hear about how things are at the moment. I don't think you should feel bad about the friend you mention: you were honest with him about how you felt, and he didn't understand what you said - blinkered, perhaps, by what he wanted. As you said, you might have been ready to date at some point, but at the moment you want a friend rather than a boyfriend. It's a shame that he couldn't accept straightforward friendship, but sometimes life's like that.

Take care


wayner said...

Is it fair to mock me when I'm not a cryptographer lol? (I'm just too lazy to get into it!) I dunno Jack; the across the pond relationship is interfering with your friends, love life and school. I thought you guys had an arrangement concerning the realities of the sex drive. I am amazed that all the horny love-deprived teens can make it through school at all, but do focus on your schoolwork or things will be tough for you. But I hear you; having that loyal best friend/lover is the best feeling in the world. When you wake up in the morning you can hardly wait to take on the day. Don't dwell on yourself too much and let things work out. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

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