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Thursday, 16 June 2011

Pathetic or just Pathetic Fallacy?

Hey guys, sorry for the abandonment and broken promise ... however small lol.

I’ve just been really busy with revision and relaxing and all that. So I’m afraid this post may be a bit long and rambly and so just try to stay with me haha and we’ll get there together lol
It was pouring down with rain today, on and off, kinda reflecting how i'm feeling :/
So first things first, I had some of my last exams today (well I have 2 more on Monday xD)  I had English Lit and Media studies. English lit is a complete bitch because we are studying Hamlet, Revengers Tragedy and The Wife of Bath ... which are some FRICKING OLD BOOKS!!! ... and its closed text, so we had to learn it all off by heart! Lol but I managed lol.

I’m actually really confident with my Hamlet essay, it was about how the play is actually a social and political commentary on England at the time, and I remembered all of the criteria needed and everything!

And media studies I’m actually a little less confident, the questions were easy and straight forward, but still quite difficult lol. But either way I’m happy I will get the B I need for uni ... which I will be coming back to later.
After 4 and a half hours of non-stop writing,
my hand looked like this .. no joking :/

So onto the main topic of tonight ... BOYS!!!

Or more specifically, how shit and unreliable they are ... ironically that was a section of my English Essay on the Wife of Bath haha.

I hate how they play with your emotions like your some sort of rag doll, free to toss around as they want, with no fear of the consequences! They will rip out your heart with a single thrust and show it to you then and there. But oh no, they wont give it back when there is still time to save you! OH NO! They store it in a jar and start a collection, just to show off to their friends!


OK, so I may be over-reacting atm, but I’m just so annoyed with Emo Guy!

I like him ... like really like him ... like more than I should considering I’m supposed to be moving away soon (which is why we aren’t dating) ...

And he likes me (or so he says).

Well, he finally admitted plane outright that he “likes me” and everything which made me smile inside lol, but he keeps reminding me that he doesn’t want to get emotionally involved too much because I’m moving to Swansea and “that is literally the only reason” why he wont date me, which is ok but ...

He said he likes being single, which does make me question it.

This is a little section from our conversation about it:
me:  i dont want to loose you even if i just have you as a friend :(
him: Kinda thought thats all it was ever gunna be?
him: I really liked you until i found out your moving 400 miles away

Then of course because I have like 0 self confidence, I cant help but wonder why he is with me or why he likes me (and please save me the whole “you shouldn’t feel this way, your amazing” speech because this isn’t what thats about lol) I just cant logically tell why he likes me.

And then like I’m ALWAYS the one to start the conversation and usually keep it running.

He doesn’t do emotions which sounds like a pretty sensible thing to me lol, which meant that he actually hung up on me the other day after I made such an effort to wait up and call him at like midnight, because he was feeling a little depressed and doesn’t like to talk to people when he’s like that.

And he did this earlier too, he didn’t want to talk to me on MSN because he wasn’t feeling brilliant, which made me feel like shit lol, because I just wanted to hang out and talk to him :L but he just blew me off. Although he came back online earlier and started talking to me.

But at the same time, I’m very aware that in may last post about him (here) was not very effective in presenting a balanced argument. Yes there was a lot that went wrong over those few days, but there was also a lot that went so right.

We spent hours in bed just hugging, and cuddling and kissing. When I am with him I don’t feel depressed or unhappy (granted I feel really bad in comparison to him when he’s not there, like I’ll have a vision of a fat topless me next to a stick thin topless him and I feel revolted but not when I;m with him lol). I cant help but smile when I’m around him and he just, he just brightens me day HAHAHA

Corny I know but its true lol

So this is my dilemma ... no matter how badly I want to be with him I cant, and no matter how badly he treats me, I want him.

I’m actually beginning to reconsider my offer at Swansea ... I mean, I haven’t even been to the fricking place and I’ve agreed to go there for three years! But I could go to a far more local one, have a short long-distance relationship with him (which suits me really well actually, because I hate feeling smothered lol), and we could be together.

It feels like how it did with Peter at the beginning, only we can touch and we have a real  shot at being together!

But that would also mean giving up on going away from home and all that.

I know most of you will say “go to Swansea! Its what you wanted before he turned up!” which is very true ... but things have changed and I want to have a chance to be with this amazing guy that thinks I’m great too lol. But I don’t know if its the right decision or not!


He just seems to be all over the place half the time and no matter how much I hate him shutting me out when he’s emotional, I love it when he’s not and we’re together, and all of his quirky little things haha.

I just don’t know what to do!

But I guess I shall just have to wait and see. He should be staying at mine for a few days in a week or two, and then I’m going to London with him for the day lol. Lets hope its not a replay of last time!

But I don’t have to make my mind up until the end of July (accommodation application) but then I have to decide once and for all...

Opinions people? And don’t just say “don’t do it” because its the most logical, think (or think back) to what it was like when you were with the one you love. Would you change your plans to be with them once more, or would you go forward with what you’ve got planned?!


[UPDATE: Joe pointed out that i am a boy, which doesnt quite make sense seems as i'm slagging them off lol, but its still applicable to me too :L xx]


jaygeemmm said...

Here's my take:
1) You've wanted to go to Swansea for quite a while. I know you said not to say this, but come on, it's the first thing you thought of! I remember your excitement when you got accepted. (I also remember your excitement at meeting Emo Boy, then your despair at the outcome of the first meeting - maybe not a harbinger, but not a strong thing to base a change like this on.)
2) You have the opportunity to live totally independently, off at uni (yeah, I know you can live sorta away at the other one, but still...remember one of the reasons why you chose Swansea was that you really didn't want to be so close you could easily "chuck it" and move back home. Not to mention you preferred the course at Swansea.)
3) Emo Boy is NOT a sure thing. You want him to be, but that is no guarantee. Nor are there any guarantees as to how long it may last.
4) Your long term happiness (and education) is more important than what might be a chance at a long or short term relationship or might end in flames. How will you feel if you give up Swansea and this doesn't work out with Emo Boy?
5) You can still be friends. You yourself said that Swansea is only 3 hours away by train. You'll be busy during the week with coursework, perhaps weekends, too, so any where you go, dating may be an issue, but the temptation of "right down the street" seems like a draw away from studies. You can cherish the holiday time and the occasional weekend you can get together.
6) There will also be other guys you may meet at uni, there or at Swansea. At 18, giving up top notch educational opportunities to date someone seems a bit, well, not good...

Jack, you're 18. You are charged at this point in your life to make adult decisions. Some of them might not be perfect. But when it comes to education, you need to really think hard about giving up opportunities that are things you've wanted to do for quite some time, have the chance to do, and will serve you long into your life, as opposed to an unknown (well, partially known, and it's only some good, some bad) outcome.

Peace <3

Wayne said...

Nice to see you working hard at your studies. I remember how much I hated exams in the beautiful month of June.
-I've often mentioned in some blogs how our mobile society makes love difficult. It is so heart-breaking to lose someone you love (and good friends too) or make a commitment because they are just too far away. When he says he likes being single, he means he likes his freedom and independence (he's young) and does not want the 'heavy relationship' and what is so bad about that? You like your freedom too. Sometimes maybe you are taking things the wrong way; sometimes people are just tired or not in the mood for conversation but another time you will brighten his day.
-But university and boyfriends are YOUR personal decision and I would never suggest doing things one way or another. If you do change universities to be close to him, keep in mind that relationships may be short term or long term and not to blame him about the university choice if it doesn't work out. Wouldn't it be cheaper to stay home and go to university too? But then again you might go to Swansea and meet a guy you really like there. Fate is indeed a fickle thing! Boyfriends are more likely to come and go when you are young, but it is your life and either way you are still going to university. Remember that university will be for 3 years but a bf may only last a few months. bfn - Wayne

naturgesetz said...

You know what you are getting at Swansea for your education. You have no guarantee of anything at all with Emo Guy.

You can keep in touch with Emo Guy. Since he doesn't want a serious commitment, he will remain available for some time. Meanwhile, you'll meet loads of new people at Swansea, and you won't be tied down. You'll be free to take up with someone if you want to, but you can still hold out for Emo Guy.

The way I see it, you have nothing to lose — certainly nothing sure — by going to Swansea.

Now let me be brutally honest. The fact is, relationships which start at your age very rarely last long-term. The odds are very much against your being with Emo Guy three years from now, no matter what you do about uni. There are rare exceptions, but it makes no sense to make decisions on the hope of being a rare exception. I know, we all think, "This is different," but it really isn't. And all the more in your case, since there are already some real signals that you can't count on this relationship developing the way you'd like it to.

Stay in touch with him from Swansea and visit when you're on holiday. If this is "meant to be" it will survive your separation during the school terms.

Ethan said...

I had a comment.

Google Chrome Crashed on me though -_-

Long story short point 2 3 4 and 6 is basically my comment lol


naturgesetz said...

I just reread your question, and I realize I didn't answer.

Would I change my plans to be with the one I loved again? No. I've moved on and so has he. And if I had been able to change the course of my life at the time we parted, in the long run, we'd probably have parted anyway. So it would have been a mistake, although I was too deeply in love to accept it at the time.

Jack xx said...

Thanks for the advice guys but I just want to point out a few things so here goes ...

@ Jay: 1) Yes I was excited to both, but I was also just as excited when I got accepted at the other uni. The only reason I chose Swansea over this one was because I was naturally drawn to it. Think of this way. Swansea is a 7, other uni was a 6, and now emo boy is in the picture ... those stats have changed lol
2) I would still live independently, AND I would get to see my friends, still volunteer at the youth group, I would be at uni with some people I know and be close enough to visit home and emo guy.
3) True, but you don’t know until you’ve tried
4) Long term happiness = fine I still want to go to this other uni just don’t know if I want it more or not. And I can live with the consequences, as I said I loved this uni and I haven’t even been to Swansea yet.
5) Yes we could be friends but I want more haha, but you have a point about the temptation :/
6) yes there will be other guys ... but there will be other guys wherever I go, and here there already is one.

@ Wayne: And I know what you mean about it, I guess I didn’t really think of it that way :) but there is a difference between him being tired and him not wanting to talk because he’s depressed. Mainly because he said so lol, and its just frustrating he wont let me in to be there for him :/ but I cant force him so oh well.
I wouldn’t blame him; I would still live at uni (not home) so not really cheaper, and true about the boys but there will be boys wherever I go.

@ Naturgesetz: I don’t know what I’m getting at Swansea. The course is the same and I havnt been to the city or the uni yet. But I also don’t know about emo boy, your right.
You have a good point about the long term and I know its true :/ its just frustrating because I cant hold out for 3 years, he wont and I cant, its just too difficult. I know that if I leave, that’ll be the end of it, except for possibly the occasional hook-up during the holiday season. I jsut don’t like the thought of giving up on something that could be something, regardless of how short it is :/

Ok true, but what I meant was would you do it NOW?! If he turned up a your door tonight and begged you to take him back, would you let him? Would you change your plans that you have now, for another chance?

@ Ethan: thanks Ethan, same as above lol xx

naturgesetz said...

"If he turned up a your door tonight and begged you to take him back, would you let him? Would you change your plans that you have now, for another chance? "

No, I wouldn't do anything life-changing.

We all know how you feel. We've all been there in one way or another with those feelings. But we also have experience of how things play out.

Rowan said...

Most things have been said as i've seen from my skim-reading of the other comments but i'd have to agree. A bf may last a few months but you know that going to Swansea will last 3 years.
And who knows, you could meet some lovely guy in Swansea as well! xD

Rowan <3

A Wandering Pom said...

Hi there, Jack

I've been meaning to comment on this post for a while, but other things have got in the way. Anyway...

I'm more or less with the "go to Swansea" group. More precisely, I would suggest that you not make any change to your university plans until (at least) your deadline at the end of July. Just see how things go with Emo Guy before then. If, at the end of July, you're still sure you want to be as close to him as you can, for at least the next three years, and he is still unwilling to come and visit you in Wales, then you can look at your decision again. To my mind, if he's more concerned about Wales than he is about you (which is how it looks to me), then he's not the right person for you.

Take care


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