Monday 13 June 2011
Inside my mind
Just read this and it just reminds me of everything i have going though my mind half of the time, so enjoy ... or dont as the case may be
"......i can be a complete and utter bitch! i have a sharp tongue and im extremely fast at comebacks.....its not something im proud of but im glad i have it because it shows people im not somebody to be easily targeted for bullying i have had way to much experience being a victim in this world and ive become so emotionally strong that death itself doesent phase me 12 suicide attempts....3 deaths.....ive seen the other side so if your one of the people lucky enough to be reading this HUGE article on my life then know that i can be so extremely sensitive.....i can be so extremely frozen and UNBELIEVABLY heartless.....if i can take a razorblade to my own body to cause myself pain so i feel SOMETHING what makes you think i can be hurt? sometimes i sit alone in the darkness of my room and ponder....my life is barely worth living, ive been so close to that line for so soooo long my family consistently argue and bicker over completely non important things....if i died.....it would unite my entire family....because despite ALL their argueing they srtill come to me for advice....to pat them on the back and let them know it will be okay because i can see both sides of a situation but i am cursed to use this blessing for myself =l....if i died.....they would all be together again....to love and support eachother....i constantly want to cry but never a tear has fallen from my eyes in a long long time...i can be surrounded by a thousand people and still feel completely alone.....i hurt everybody in the end....i was designed to destroy peoples lives and one way or the other thats what i will do and i dont have a choice do i carry on? hope that things get better that i find who i want and get my ideal career? or give up.....end the pain....the suffering and lack of emotion....i know what one id prefer....and i forever sit on the fence about this.....but to which way will i fall? =l i need a diary....so record the daily put downs of my life....if your reading this let it be known that i dont care anymore hurt me....no.......you just blur into the background of my life"
4 comments:
I don't know how one can get beyond feeling so hurt and alienated. Would it help to "get outside oneself" by becoming involved (not just occupied, but personally invested) in something important?
Jack
*hugs* - to you, and to whoever wrote this
Mark
I remember in my teens and early twenties hanging with some friends who didn't have much money, but they always accepted people as friends without judging. We spent most of our time outdoors summer and winter doing everything from hiking in the woods, skating on the river, show-shoeing in the woods, and canoeing to fixing up old motorcycles and cars. I just don't remember much depression and drama (and I was a closet gay!). We did our share of booze and drugs but I knew where to draw the line. Life definitely isn't fair but one needs to do his best to change the odds.
-I comment on a few gay blogs and it seems in every case where the guy tries an on-line hook-up, that it doesn't work out (so you have lots of company). Maybe I'm trying to say that the real world is more natural and easier on the head. Summer is almost here and outside is where the fun is. bfn - Wayne
Sigh...the parallels are disturbing. I hope that you are moving away from this thinking these days, what with uni coming up, a new adventure, away from home, and on your own! And no, I'd never hurt you, not intentionally, though I've done it by mistake - something for which I remain profoundly sorry. I never want to contribute to the feelings that lead people to this precipice.
Peace <3
Jay
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