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Sunday, 12 June 2011

Awkward Hellos and more awkward goodbyes

Thanks everyone for all of your messages wishing me a good time and a safe journey. And in answer to both: I did :)

Ok, so before I get into this I just want to give a brief outline of mine and Emo Guy’s relationship...

Yes, we met online... something risky I know lol, but we are just friends. We started talking and hit it off immediately. He was hit, cute, friendly, open, kind, caring etc, and whats more he seemed to like me too. I knew I liked him more, but oh well.

So things progressed from MyYearBook to msn where we chatted more and more often, then to facebook where I was able to confirm his identity really (I mean, its almost impossible to fake that number of pictures lol) and then we started talking over the phone.

I mean, we must have spent at LEAST 4 hours a day talking for the last week!

So long story short, he invited me to meet him in his home town and hand out for a couple of days and we would go into London to a few gay clubs as I haven’t been to any before.

And before you give me all this grief about how it was irresponsible and stupid to meet up with a complete stranger, I don’t really care. It was in a public place, I trusted him and tbh worst case was that he wouldn’t show (or the online him wouldn’t show) and I would leave.

So this is where our tale begins ...

So I spent the day before baking cookies (that are omnomnomy) because he really has a thing for cookies and I have a bit of a thing for him, so I just wanted him to like me. Plus, I was staying at his house, so it was just a little something to make it easier for him I guess lol. And I wanted to try out the recipe lol.

So I got the train up to London and then got a bit lost on the way to where we were meeting. I got a train to Lewisham, which was where we were meeting, but it was the wrong station lol. Despite being told by EVERYONE that “there is only one station in Lewisham” which is complete bollocks.

So anyway, I then realise there is a station called “Catford Bridge” and I am supposed to meet him at “Catford”, so I think it is correct.

I was wrong.

But fortunately once I got there I walked about 200 yards to Catford Station and waited.

  • And waited,
  • And waited,
  • And waited,

It got to the point where I was VERY tempted to leave because I thought it was someone playing a practical joke on me. You know the one I’m thinking of, where you arrange to meet with someone, hide somewhere out of sight and laugh at them waiting for ages. So in the end I went to leave and turns out he was at the other Catford Station.

So we hugged and I was introduced to his friends. We went back to his house and I met his mum and brother which was nice :) and we jsut spent the rest of the day holding hands, talking, hugging, kissing, it was SO nice :)

So the next day was really nice too, he had to go for a few hours to help his mum with some stuff, so I was just left there with his brother. So we chatted and hung out and everything which was pretty cool. Slightly awkward and everything, but still nice :P

And once Emo Guy got home, then we just hung out for a little while and then started to get ready for that night. I couldn’t wait, a night out in London!

We looked to fetch lol (sorry, I watched Mean Girls earlier lol) and then his friend Simon came over and did his make-up.

And I will be honest, the idea of guys wearing make-up is a little strange to me. I mean, there is nothing wrong with it but It’s just something I’m not used to lol, but oh well, I let Simon put on some mascara on me lol. Why not :P

So yes, we started pre-drinking and everything and the fourth member arrived: Q. I got on extremely well with these two, they reminded me so much of my friends and the random crap we came up with was amazing lol ... just my sense of humour lol.

So we eventually got on the bus, and then another and another ... about 5 in total because Emo Guy and Simon needed the loo a lot. They were quite drunk at this point, but oh well ... its all just an experience lol.

We eventually made it into central London and after countless times asking complete strangers where Heaven Night cub was, we eventually made it there.

Bu oh wait a moment, Simon was too drunk to get in. First the bouncer said we had to wait for half an hour and she could get in. She waited 5 mins and got some water and then walked back over. Then they said the owner had seen her and said she couldn’t come in AT ALL!

So I had to pay the £8 entrance fee to get Emo and Q (they went in earlier while I waited outside) and couldn’t find them anywhere. Good club tho ... for all of the 5 mins I was in there. I left and they were outside. Simon crying saying how she had ruined the night and she would just go home so we could go in the club, Emo dragging her away to a different club he wanted to get into and me and Q just following along.

We made it to G.A.Y. and finally found the right entrance and met some nice Lesbians in the queue. Me and Emo got in the club fine, but the Simon said that the Lesbians’ were with us. “group of 7”. But apparently 7 is too high a number for the club (although wouldn’t have been separately ... interesting logic there).

So at this point, me and Q just wanted to leave. Call the time of death. But no, the Lesbians knew another club so we went there. IT was only round the corner so oh well. And it was nice in there, but when Simon and Emo got asked to move off of that particular part of the dance floor, they took it the wrong way and thought they had been asked to leave. So they walked off without me and Q.

We eventually caught up with them and then Simon stormed off. Then Emo. Then Simon. Then Emo.
Then repeat.

Then we decided to go home so we walked around in a massive circle trying to find the right bus stop, and then I just started crying. The night had taken its toll on me and I just wept. I kept walking and to be honest, no one noticed so I didn’t care. Then Q sais she was going to go home and she got the bus with her Brother and then Emo stormed off and me and Simon lost him.

And I don’t know what caused it, but I just completely broke down.

I just slumped down and cried my heart out. Not over the shit night. Not over the devastation that is my love life. Not over the alchol’s influence. No, it was over life itself.

I have never had one of these before, but I can only describe it as being a suicide attack.

It was kind of like a panic attack, where I was just too afraid to move. I was scared that I would do something dangerous to myself, and being next to a busy road, in the rain next to a bridge is a very dangerous place to be when in that kind of mindset.

So somehow Simon managed to call Emo and wee got a free tandem (?) ride ... you know, those bycicle cart things .... to where he was and we were on our way. But I was still freaking out.

You know that saying “men think of sex every seven seconds” and you know that no matter how much you deny it or try your best to disprove it, but its always true? That was me. Only “sex” was actually suicide. Every 7 or so seconds I would have suicidal thoughts or tendencies and I could either give in and simply die or power though and fight it.

I did the latter, this time.

I was just stood there for ages crying my heart out fearful for my life, that I would do something stupid. Eventually they got me walking and I was just gripping onto Emo’s hand constantly. He thought I was upset about the night and that I was cold.

Inside I was dead. You cant get much colder than that.

So eventually Simon broke off and made her way home and Emo led me home safely. WE got in and conked out on his bed almost instantly. Well, I had enough time to explain why I acted how I did, which he took quite well. Apparently it broke his heart to see my cry. Whatever.

We awoke in the morning, got changed. Him for work, me for leaving. I signed his all (long story) and I left my hat there by accident. We kissed goodbye and we separated. Now I’m just writing this feeling terrible, because I really like him and not only can it not work but I just feel so ... so ... used. I feel like something he’s had this whole experience with and cast me aside like I was nothing more than a rag doll. IDK, I’m just so up and down about him I hate it ...


naturgesetz said...

Ahh, that's too bad. Apparently Emo Guy has a pattern of behavior which he just assumed would be fine with you. But to leave you behind is not good — rather thoughtless, I'd say, since you were in an unfamiliar city. Good thing Simon was there.

You had high hopes and expectations. The fact that he didn't turn out to be all you hoped for is certainly a big disappointment, bit it doesn't say anything about your value or the worth of your life. I'm glad you fought off those suicidal thoughts, because his bad behavior doesn't mean your life is worthless or hopeless. There is a positive message in all this. It is that he found you interesting enough, attractive enough, to invite you to visit him. He won't be the last.

So hang in there.

Beej said...

AW HUN! Sorry your night out sucked!! Heaven is an awesome club- so its a shame you didnt really get to spend much time there!!! I went there a few years back when we were over visiting my brother and it was the night of the Hero parade so it was packed!!!

jaygeemmm said...

Oh Jack!
I'm so sorry the visit turned out like this. You had such high hopes and everything just looked like it would go perfectly. But I guess this is part of growing up and learning about relationships. Yet, you found a guy who found you worth spending time with, talking with, inviting you out...even if it wasn't the perfect ending...I've had a few of those, too, Jack, and OMG they hurt like hell, and after at least one of them, I held a friend for hours while he cried on my shoulder because the night was sh!t that he'd planned so carefully - and I was there, so I got it 100%.

BUT, this proves you are loveable, desirable, you name the adjectives...there are others, and you'll find the ones whose lifestyles are more in tune with yours.

Peace <3

Wayne said...

C'mon Jack it was just one fucked up night; actually Emo guy seems to like you. I am not a fan of drinking, it seems to cause more trouble than it is worth. Everything went downhill when the drinking started. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and ruins sexual performance (and allows stupid 'suicidal' thoughts to get through); if you guys had been sober you would have done more than just sleep on his bed when you both got back.
-Be sure to get back to the Emo guy and talk to him. Maybe some time together in the great outdoors without booze will be different. You can be proud of yourself for taking a chance and going for it; you won't get love and sex sitting in your bedroom staring at the walls. If he doesn't work out, well there are plenty more opportunities waiting for you. Don't get down on yourself just talk to the guy cos maybe HE feels down over it too. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

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