Hey, feel free to pop over to where I have a lot more content. Photographs, drawings, poems. Hope you enjoy xx

Sunday, 16 January 2011


Yes. Today’s very cheery topic is death. This is for two reasons, and therefore I will divide my post up into two parts.
So to start, let’s begin with something a bit more traditional.

 My best friend Jake’s Great Nan died yesterday. I feel terrible for him, but at the same time, I do feel kind of relieved. WE were due to go to our youth-group on Friday but he texted to say that he couldn’t go because he had a family emergency; which meant I was abandoned for the night, but I didn’t mind, I was just really worried for him.

Interestingly the first thought I had was “OMG! Someone’s died”. Not quite. I went over to his house after youth-group as you cant leave beyond a certain time, and so when I got over there I kind of chickened out, thinking I was being really rude. But in the end I decided I HAD to see if he was ok.

So I knocked on the door and asked if he was ok, and he told me that his Great Nan was in the hospital after a heart attack. I was immediately glad I came over. We ended up talking from 11pm – 1.30am in his house. And I found out that she had been seriously ill and they said she only had 6 months left ... 16 months ago. And so about 20 mins after I went over, his mom came home and said they thought she only had 2 days left at a maximum, so I told him I was there for him, and any of his family. I don’t know them that well, but death is kind of my forte, so I still want to be there for them; and they really are such lovely people.

And btw, I was “kind of relieved” as they had been given this warning 16 months ago and later on that night. So we sat and talked about most things and everything, and I suggested if he went to a different youth-group (one he helps run for younger children) then his younger brother could talk to the leader about death and Heaven; which should help to calm him down and make him feel better.

So then, the next day I found out that she had died peacefully and I immediately asked if he was ok. He was. He wasn’t overly close to her so it didn’t hurt as much as it could have, but I’m sure it did sting a lot. It always does. So I’m just reminding him I’m here for him and everything, and invited him over tomorrow for dinner, so we can hang out and everything. I really do hope he is ok :/

... For anyone who has ever lost someone close to them ...

So when I got home, I had another down turn, which is why I haven’t posted as much over the last few days. It was one of my worse ones I think, and I feel really bad to make Peter go through it. Sometimes I just want to reach out for anything near me and end it, other times I want to prolong the suffering for various reasons, and other times I just can’t get it out of my head. I usually bury these thoughts as deep as possible, though helping others, or distracting myself in varying ways (like working at college for 10 straight hours or more).

But its still there. Its still there eating away at me from the inside out, and there is nothing I can do.

Being the sweet and innocent person Peter is, he asks that if I do need to cut myself, I do it in front of him. This is not some strange fetish or anything, its to make sure that I don’t die in the process, and he thinks that it will reduce how much I do. Which was true for the first time. But it doesn’t work on me anymore. I am back where I was at the start, trying not to self harm in the first place. And I have gotten quite good at it over the years, where I ca go longer periods of time without doing it and it works, but the thoughts are still there.

Literally every day, I have the same thoughts circulating around and around in my head, like a Ferris-wheel or a carrousel. I know what my triggers are and try to avoid them as best I can, but everything sets me off; and it also goes off on its own accord.

Here is an extract from the conversation me and Peter were having:
why are you with me?
because i love you
reemmber all the other reason i wrote down lol
no, i mean actually why
when we first met, why did you agree to take on such a damaged piece of shit?
cause i am just the same
even more so baby
no your not
oh the hell im not
do you think about mutilating your body all day long?
do you walk down the stairs and look at the bannister you were going to hang yourself from?
do you fear each time you have to use the carving knife, incase you 'slip'?
do you run through suicide letters in your free time, when your feeling down, just to see
what you would write and who would actually give a damn if you died?

Every word of that is true, and I hate it. But I can’t help it. Idk, I just wish I could get a minutes rest.

So overall,  Death is a very big topic on people’s minds right now, and it sucks.


Wayne said...

Just caught you posting Jack. What puzzles me is why you are blowing the death of your friend's great grandmother way out of proportion. She was of advanced years and her passing was not unexpected. Death is a relief when the body is very old, sickly, weak and frail and there is no quality of life. You are young and in the prime of life; life is yours to enjoy until your old age and your time comes. But are you allowing yourself to go to the dark and depressing places without making the effort to turn it around? I seem to get the feeling that too many young people these days are losing their connection with nature and exercise, both of which are uplifting. If you feel the blues coming on then DO something about it. Ffs, please post here if you feel this way and let us know. 'Damaged piece of shit'? I think not! Your writing reveals an intelligent and passionate guy. You have amazing potential and I want to see you enjoy life and say 'f**k it!' to depressing bullcrap. I wonder if you and Jake can get into some swimming/gym activities? Outdoor jogging/biking? You get my drift.
-Jack, if you feel that this self-harm/death thing is beyond your control or that this just 'happens' to you, then I insist that you get confidential therapy for this problem. I am also angry that many young gay guys suffer from societal prejudice against gays and have self-esteem issues as a result. Don't let them win. You deserve to feel good about life and enjoy it to the fullest. I'm sure Peter feels the same way. bfn - Wayne (hugs)(post again soon!)

A Wandering Pom said...

Dear Jack


I don't know what else to say. It saddens me and concerns me deeply that you feel like this, because I don't think anyone should have to endure this. I would very much like to help, but I have no idea what would be helpful in this situation.

My feeling is that these episodes of depression are frequent and severe that you should be getting medical help. I know that you've had a bad experience with a shockingly unhelpful and thoughtless GP, but I think that you should not allow this to prevent you from making use of the NHS. You can change GP if you want, and I think there are other ways to access mental health services as well.

In any case, please keep talking to us - I'm happy to listen at any time.

Take care


Ethan said...

That's good that she lived longer then the Doctors said she would. It's always nice to have someone who outlives what it is expected and I'm glad she died in peace.

Moving to you.
I'm sorry that you are so hurt and that you actually feel that way about yourself. You know despite what you think, you are NOT anything that you said in that excerpt and don't let you or anyone else tell you otherwise.
You really do sound like you are trying to find a way to stop yourself from cutting.
I know a friend who is the same way. She actually was doing fine until one day something happened and she cut herself.

The way I look at her and your position (which is quite similar in some places) I say you have hit rock bottom again and now the only option is for you to go back up again. Will it be hard? Yes it might be. Will you think about cutting again? I'm going to say yes. Will it be worth it? HELL YES!

I'm here for you Jack and cheering you on like some of others here on blogger. If you ever need someone to just talk to or even rant at just hit me up. I'm willing to listen (and don't say sorry after every word either)Or talk to someone else if you need help.

I just hope that it helps so you wont cut yourself anymore.
And I'm online now if you want to talk to me :)

Jack xx said...

Thanks guys, for your support. But I do have to point out that I am relatively active. I hike for two hours every day, used to jog ,swim and cycle. And am going to get back into them. And you make it sound as if I do nothing. I just sit there and feel sorry for myself. I do quite a lot. It is incredibly difficult not to self harm. Its like ... like ... having a hard-on and jacking off but stopping just before you cum and leaving it there ... or ... holding in a piss you really have to take, at some point you have to let it out. I think the latter one is more socially accepted lol. But it is just so indescribably difficult not to do it.

“But are you allowing yourself to go to the dark and depressing places without making the effort to turn it around?”

Believe me. I am trying.

Granted, there are a couple of things I could do, like see a counsellor, but that is a huge step for me and honestly? Its become quite a big fear of mine. And Wayne, its not so much social prejudice, but more fear of him telling me to get over myself and just do it, or that I am a waste of space.

And Marl, they are quite frequent and vary in intensity, but I’m not sure. I don’t like the idea of sitting I a room with someone writing down my deepest darkest fears as I cry myself to sleep; nor do I like the idea of dulling my mind on drugs. But we shall see. When I go off to uni I may reconsider :/

And Ethan. I really do hope your friend is ok. But I would have to correct you, rock bottom would be dead :/

Ethan said...

Jack I don't bother talking to people who are a waste of space. I have no time for them and they are pain in the ass to deal with. (No I'm not talking about anal sex either)
You aren't a pain in the ass (though I'm sure Peter want's you to be someday :P }

It's been 2 weeks but she is ok. But still kind of upset that she did it in the first place b/c she hadn't cut for years but cut again. -shudder- trust me those 45mins were not fun at all. Which is why I don't want you to cut. If you don't want to stop cutting for you do it for those who care about you.

You and I once had an argument how you would let other people tell you what to do, so do as I say; Stop Cutting.

Rock Bottom is not dead. Hitting Rock bottom is when you reach the lowest point in your life. Being dead does happen at rock bottom but it isn't rock bottom.
Now then you just need to start going up again.

A Wandering Pom said...

Dear Jack


I hope you're feeling better today.

You're not a waste of space: you are a unique and precious individual. The world would be a poorer place if you were not in it - as a very minor example, consider your kindness to Jake, as described in your post.

I appreciate your concerns about the types of treatment. If I've understood it correctly, the drugs are not supposed to dull the pain, as such (and the rest of your mind with it), but to change the chemical balance in your brain so that the depression stops happening.

Talking to a therapist seems to me quite similar to coming out: difficult at the start, but progressively easier as time goes on. If the therapist is doing their job right, they should do everything to put you at ease and make you feel comfortable - you're not going to get any benefit from what they're trying to do unless you're able to talk to them. And please don't be afraid of crying: yes, it hurts, hurts terribly sometimes, but it too is therapeutic.

Take care


Micky said...

Jack - this may strike you as weird.

You know we have a German Shepherd dog - or rather Former Bitch. She's a pedigree dog from a Kennel Club breeder and in most ways is a great a wonderful companion.

But she gets over excited sometimes - particularly if we take her anywhere in the car and she makes a heck of a noise and seems impervious to anything we say to her.

Last year she got fleas. If you've got a pet then fleas is not something you talk about because people quite often suddenly get an itch and start scratching, you know? Well so start with we couldn't find any fleas.

There probably weren't any so we just thought she was scratching more than usual coz - well, she's very, very tactile. She just loves being stroked and scratched - her back leg starts going, you know? And a dreamy look comes into her eyes.

Then we noticed that one morning she had damaged her front legs by chewing holes in the skin. There were two red, raw open wounds. We were horrified and amazed. We put cream on and the following night we put socks on her legs to stop her chewing them.

In the morning one of the socks was off and - you've guessed.

Well, eventually, we realised she was being tormented by these fleas because we finally found one. Unfortunately the first flea treatments were not strong enough and although they gave her some measure of relief they didn't eradicate the fleas.

Eventually we spoke to the vet and got a strong enough prescription to eradicate the fleas on the dog and a spray with which we had to cover all the carpets and furnishings.

Finally the fleas were eradicated and now the FB has a dose of stuff every month so's she won't ever catch them again.

But do you know what? She still chews holes in her paws. She self-harms. For days and weeks she'll be fine and then, goodness knows when or where she'd done it, but off we do again and she's chewed a couple of holes in her back legs.

BTW the vet talks about possible allergies. I don't believe a word of it. The FB self-harms.

Any ideas to help her?

Wayne said...

Hi Jack. There is no shame in seeking professional help for this problem; it is the smart thing to do. Everyone gets the blues on occasion, but frequent self-harm or death thoughts are another thing. Your discussions with a therapist are completely confidential and nobody else's business. It is a relief to talk with a professional psychologist, not something to be afraid of (they have heard it all!); they are there to help you not to put you down. Sometimes through the years the brain gets wired a certain way and it takes a fair amount of time to change that wiring. I don't know if your father realises this problem you are having or what his attitude would be about getting you help. I hope you can confide in him and that he will arrange the therapy. I'm getting the impression that this has been going on for a long time and it is time to do something about it. You deserve a life with balance. I'll bet Peter feels the same way. bfn - Wayne (hugs)

Rowan said...

Heavy post Jack, but sometimes thats just the way things are.
Things aren't great for me either at the moment so i know how you feel to extent but i dont know what to say or help suicidal thoughts. Obviously... DONT. You have Peter, firstly, who clearly cares for you LOADS and it sure is quite something to put him through watching that. He loves you a lot, and we also care a lot for you too Jack.
As i said, i dont know how to get rid of thoughts of self harm etc. but with all the listening you do, perhaps you need to do some talking yourself and im glad to see you have through this post and also talking with Peter. I hope it helps.
You're a strong and brave guy, Jack, that much i know and im sure you truely know it as well :)


Rowan <3

Jack xx said...

@ Ethan: I AM a pain in the arse lol (and no, not in a sexual sense ... yet), its just the way I feel constantly. I am always in the way and doing things wrong, destined it just, fail. And that is one of the tings about Self harm, that surprises people. Even after years of not doing it, if someone has a trigger or a bad situation, they can return to the life they tried to desperately to escape from. I knew someone who did it after 15 years of stopping (kind of like smoking lol); but don’t be too hard on her. Sometimes it is almost inevitable, like eating Rocky-Road after a break up, or chocolate bars after a jog (bad examples lol), but it can become imbued with the mind to be relaxing or calming. What 45 mins? And I know I shouldn’t, but I cant help it. I just find it hard to believe that there are people out there who would care if I died, which is the thing I just, cant believe.
(oh and telling me not to let people walk over me ... is in its own right ... walking over me).

@ Mark: Thanks for the Emails, they make me smile a little inside :) and thanks you for your comment, but I would still have to disagree with you :/ Take Jake for example, yes kind, but life changing? No.
And the anti-depressant drugs, do unfortunately dull your mind. They are designed to make your thoughts more monotonous, therefore making your depressed thoughts more happy: but by consequence, your happy thoughts more depressed. My friend takes them and hates them, to the point that she doesn’t feel herself when she’s talking them. And it is not always a chemical process in the brain, as with me, it is a psychological one.
And I just don’t like the thought of crying to a stranger and pouring my heart out, as they are sat there on a timer, waiting for payday as so many of us do. It is a job to them, how can they register any real emotions if they are paid and told what to say and feel?

@ Micky: Yes, that does strike me as weird lol. It could be any number of problems (from a novice’s point of view). It could be a chemical imbalance. A psychological one, if she was acting like that for a long time. It could be a nervous reflex now. It could be a more straight forward one like hunger/worming or she could be trying to prevent them from coming back (no hair means no fleas). Or even anxiety if it is when you leave. But as I said, I am only a novice haha.
But just make sure that she is happy and comfortable. All her needs met, and clean the wounds after. If you don’t know the cause, you don’t know the solution. Oh and, if she is doing it and your there, stop her and try to distract her with something.

@ Wayne: the depression has been going on for about 8 years now, the self harm about 5 years and suicidal tendencies about 4. But no one in my family (and most of my ‘friends’) don’t know about it, and I wouldn’t want them to change. I have lost so many good friends through this and I’d hate to lose more, or even just be treated differently. As for the Psychiatrist, I know it is the logical thing, but I have a real fear of it, and I don’t know how comfortable I would find it, just sat there talking as they made notes on my life and operationalise it.

Jack xx said...

@ Rowan: Sorry man, didn’t mean to get ‘heavy’ lol. Thanks for the support and love (to everyone, not just you) and I know you don’t know what to say. Not many people do, but the fact your trying says volumes.
The reason I listen, is because I feel in the way when I talk. Like, no one wants to hear me drone on about something, so I just shut my gob, and listening to other peoples problems and watching them gets solved, distracts me away from mine. I just don’t like talking to people about my problems, I find it hard, and so it would be a million times harder to a Psychiatrist. But your right, talking can help :)
Your also a strong and brave guy, so relax and dw about your problems, I’m sure they’ll all sort themselves out soon and it’ll all blow over. And tbh if they don’t, its not the end of the world. No matter what, your mum is your mum. Your dad is your dad. Your great aunt Gladice on your dad’s second cousin’s side, twice removed, is going to be just as irrelevant to your life. So stay in there, and you know where I am if you ever want to talk :) ... and I still want to see your Music Video lol.

Thank you everyone for your kind kind comments and everything. I really appreciate them :)
Jack xx

Ethan said...

I think you are trying to say that you think you are destined to always fail which I do NOT think you are nor do I buy it either.

Yeah I know that's what sucks about cutters it's always a possibility that they might revert back in the same old ways again.
I'm not hard on her b/c I know she has a husband to help her out and I'm trying to support her.
She tried to cut herself so much that she would bleed to death but I was 15mins away from her not to mention the time it took for her to recover and calm down again.
So I noticed but I do care and so does everyone else if you died.
That's good Jack that means you should let me be the last one to tell you what to do.

Post a Comment