Roller Coaster over the Moon

The last few days have been a complete journey for me: I have been forwards, backwards, side to side and complete circle. It all started the other night with ’the incident’. After the party, I rushed home to meet Peter online, but when I got in he was nowhere to be seen, so I got talking to Jay. We decided to play a practical joke on him, and so Jay texted Peter that I and he were on webcam to each other wanking. In retrospective t was a bad idea, but in England a joke like this would be overlooked and ignored, but I overlooked how delicate Peter is, and I hated myself for it. He took it the wrong way [and I now know that I betrayed is trust and love] but we spent the night talking to each other. I survived the claws of Jess, who to give her, her due rewards, she is an amazing friend but very intense and overprotective. And hypocritical. (All in due time).

So I hurt Peter by going along with the joke, and in turn he hurt me by saying that we were “just friends and that’s all” and also how he will have sex with someone else. Ordinarily thus would not affect me so badly, but I have such strong emotions for him, that they overrode my logical thinking and I broke down and cried. We ended up spending most of the night having an in-depth conversation about each other, ourselves and our relationship. We decided that we would be friends and so therefore we could sleep with whoever we wanted. But at the same point, we didn’t want to deny our emotions and true feelings. So by the end of the night I had spent about 2 hours waiting for Peter, 3 hours crying and talking; and then 2 hours finalising: leaving me 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up.

I slept. He forced me to lol. But earlier on tonight, at about 5ish e got talking and ...edited ... our agreement. WE decided that although we could have physical relationships with others, we wanted to remain emotionally attached, and effectively we were in an ‘open’ relationship. So we used this label. My first official boyfriend; and I can’t even touch him. A part of me still longs to be able to fulfil that aspect of our lives and our relationship, but I can’t so I have to do the next best thing and let someone else do it. Sort of like getting plasterers for a house: it does not affect the actual structure, but makes the whole thing complete, beautiful and ties it all together. Crap analogy I know, but accurate I think.

So we have spent the last day or so finalising our relationship and how everything will work. The decorations, so to speak. We have organised everything from when we are free to talk, to the conditions under which other relationships are allowed. And I know what you are all thinking ... “what’s the point? You’re probably never going to meet each other face to face?! And isn’t it all a bit too planned?”, well the short answers are: Because we want to, so? And no. But of course you all want a bit more detail and a bit more gossip than that. So here it goes...

Even if we never meet face to face [which I hope is not the case] then at least we would have explored this part of our lived. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all’ is never more apt here, and I feel it summaries everything perfectly. Just because you cannot touch God doesn’t mean that does/doesn’t exist, you cannot touch air but it is still the life giving source that it is today; and just because we cannot touch one another, does not mean that our emotions are any less real.

So the feedback we have had on both sides has been very limited and subdued. Many people have highlighted the flaws there are and what is likely to happen ect and even one person went so far as to be a total bitch when they found out and refuse to acknowledge that they may have hurt Peter’s feelings, so I had a small argument with them and gave up. People on my end are sort of in between. They want to trust me and believe that it will work, but they are finding the situation and circumstances too difficult to get past. So in the words of the famous Jay “who the fuck am I to judge YOUR HEARTS and MINDS???” But please ... I personally (and Peter too probably) would love your opinions, suggestions, advice and even stories, as it could REALLY help us.

 So I have had a bit of a Roller Coaster ride for the last few days, but I am completely and utterly Over the Moon.
- Ttyl Jack xx