HE’S NOT SOME GUY!!!

Ok, so I know I promised that I would post about how I first came out to someone; but today has been such a SHIT day, and it’s more important. Today has been one of the saddest days I’ve had, in a long time.

I woke up late this morning, I didn’t miss any of my lessons, but I woke up just as I was supposed to meet my friend (who I walk into college with). She was in a mood with me ... naturally. So I ran into college and tripped over, cutting most of my fore-arm in the process. I made it in, just in time for my lesson, and found out it had been candled as the teacher had to sit-in on another teacher’s lesson. Then it happened.

I spent the next 40 minutes in the LRC (Learning Resource Centre) doing photo editing, when my friend Alan came into the room and sat next to me crying. Our friend Joel had died. At first I didn’t believe her: he couldn’t have died; he can’t have. It was something you knew was true, but you were just waiting for them to turn around and shout “GOTCHA”. So I spent the next 20 minutes in a small room with about 4 friends talking about what had happened and how they felt; but most of the time was spent in private contemplation about him. He was an amazing person, truly kind and calm. He managed to make a joke about anything and always saw the lighter side of life. I then had the job of collecting others, to bring them in so that we could tell them. The faces they made, said it all.

I felt even worse after, as I had to leave them there, as I had promised to do a workshop for media; and I couldn’t leave them alone, but I couldn’t not turn up to the workshop as their work is due in on Monday. So I told one of my students that I would be late and I only went for 20 minutes, but they felt like an eternity. I couldn’t help but think about him; how he loved Pokémon, Cat Face, Packman, the list is endless. Then my friend Chris said something to me that hurt: it really hurt. “Did you hear about some guy”.  I didn’t know what so say, so I just said yes, and left it at that. He knew I was upset from my tone, and left it there.

I rushed back to the room and didn’t go to my lessons; instead we talked about Joel’s life, ambitions and death. The best of the Best. It was an emotional day, but I didn’t cry ... yet. When college finished, we all left and I walk with them part-way, but I had to go back as I was helping out at our ‘open day’. As soon as they left, I started crying. It felt nice, open, but raw. I was literally walking down the street crying my eyes out. The things the people must have saw and heard. The man who served me at Sainbury’s gave me a strange look, but I didn’t care, and just went on. I wasn’t even hungry; I just knew that I should/had to eat.

The evening went very slowly, we had a few students come into the room and ask us about the course and the college; but I wasn’t much help. I did the work we were supposed to do, and talked to a few people. Chris gave me some lip about being late to the meeting beforehand, but I gave up being nice and got pissed off. My friend had just died and he was bitching about how I was late. My sister rang me earlier asking if I had finished the photo’s for her friend, but she forgot about me not doing the editing once I told her what happened, and she was actually quite nice to me. Figures: Joel was always bringing people closer together.

I found out that he was hit by a car, and the woman who was driving was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I still quite can’t understand what was going through her head that made her drive in that state. But what’s worse is that I can’t quite believe that he is finally gone. I’m still waiting to get that txt or call from him; that “GOTCHA”.  But its never going to happen.

So, he is not ‘some guy’, he is Joel. One if the BEST people ever! Give him some dignity in death.

RIP Joel, you shall be missed x

Jack xx