You Drive me Crazy Half the Time

So this is a post that i promised i would write for my friend Brad.

I met him about a month and a half ago, and we have talked on and off since then.

But he is usualy there for me when i need him and want him to be ... usually lol.

So as promised, this post is about how i feel about him. So here goes...

When i first met him i thought we seemed really nice and kind, and cute. I will be honest in that i had a crush on him and i couldnt wait for him to come online.

But i have this thing where i get a crush on someone and it is only temporary. My mind seems to find it difficult to establish the difference between friendship, love, lust etc, which results in me having a crush for a while, giving me time to figure out what i feel towards that person.

And Brad is no different.

As time moved on, i grew to see him more and more as a friend. This has its roots in several different areas.

Firstly, there is Peter. He broke my heart and he allowed me to see how difficult it is to have a relationship with someone in another country ... especially America. Sure it was perfect at the start, but it was a constant fight. It was months of sleepless nights and early rises so that we could see each other. Even once we found ways to communicate online, and even face-to-face, we were still never really face to face. And that takes it tole on a relationship. And i promised myself that i would never do it again.

I know ... what if ...

But thats just it ... what IF!

Then there was the fact that i was getting more involved with Emo Guy at the time. And although Brad has a much more desirable personality, Emo was close to me physically and he was someone who i could touch and hold. We could meet up and spend days on end together, whereas with Brad it would be a few hours every now and then ... whenever we were both online ... a coincidence.

And then there is the fact that i knew i would be moving away very soon and that it would be crazy for a while.

But then after me and Emo ended, although i was free again, i decided that love was too much hastle and pain for me and that i didnt want it. I decided that even if i REALLY wanted to love someone, i wouldnt let myself and put mself through all of that pain again. I was better off without it and being loveless for the rest of my life. Not neccissarily cold and distant, but just cold enough at the core to make sure that no amound of thawing could melt me.

I had given up on love because it had give up on me far to many times.

So these things gathered together and once my crush ended, like i suspected it would, i was left with a good friend, without all of the complicated 'love' or 'relationship' stuff.

Sure, maybe in another time or place, something might have happened, and a part of me wants that to be the case, but wanting isnt enough. I may WANT it to happen, but that doesnt mean it SHOULD. I cant open myself up to anyone for a long Long LOng LONg LONG time and i'm afraid thats is how it is meant to be.

Now i am truely sorry for the way that this has been worded, because it sounds cold and heartless, and i dont mean it to come across that way, its just i dont want it to be missunderstood by anyone (cough, Wayne, cough lol).

Brad is, and always will be, my friend, which means a lot more to me than an IF or a PERHAPS. He means a lot to me as it is and i wouldnt want to change that because of who and what i am.

He said to me earlier that "you drive me crazy half the time" ... well you do too lol.

And i wouldnt have it any other way ...