Final Farewell

Hi guys,

So um, i dont really know what or how i should say any of this, so please stick with me and just remember, that um ... well, i'm sorry.

I have been unhappy for a very long time. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and well, sometimes most of the time i feel like the safetybar's havn't desended. I'm just left clinging on for the hopes that i will survive. And up until now i have managed to hold on with all my strength.

But my strength is failing me.

I would love to sit here and say how the world is a terrible place and all that, but well, its not. But the truth is, i'm just so cold that i dont want to go on feeling like this. I cant stand this empty feeling that i'm having.

I've fallen beyond your reach, too deep for anyone to help me out.

Breathing has become such a task for me. Every day is a struggle. A fight that i'm loosing.

I hate the cleche "when you read this it'll be too late" ... but well, its true none the less.

Life is nothing more than torture and pain for me. I dont live, i just ... exist. And i dont want this any more. I have fought this battle for so long, and i'm tired. The only reason why i have lasted this far, is because i was too afraid as to what it would do to everyone else. I could withstand the pain in my heart if it meant that others wouldn't have to feel it. But not any more.

So here it is. The end of my journey. And it just wouldnt be a 'Jack' post if i didnt leave you with a few songs that express how i feel. But dont be sad for me, for how it all ended, know that this last month, since i decided that i was going to kill myself, has been the happiest i have been in a long time. It have me hope and lifted me beyong what i ever thought was possible.

So the wounds can heal and the scars can fade, but i hope the memory will always be there.





You have all been there for me, these last 10 months, riding along with me on this rollercoaster that i call life, and you have all changed my life so much. I wouldnt be the person i am today without you, and i honestly cant think how terrible my life would have been if you wernt all there with me.

You gave me strength, courage and love when i needed i most. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to help me up from the pits i put myself in. You were more than friends to me, you were family. And i am truely sorry to put you all through this. You dont deserve this.

I'm sorry.



And i just want to single out a few people ...

Mark
You were there for me in ways that no one else will really understand. You gave me support when i needed it and encouragement. You made sure i was safe and content, so i thank you. You asked me if i was planning anything, and although i didnt lie to you, i did misdirect you so i'm sorry. But the truth is, i am happy and i am glad i am finally free of this torment.


Naturgesetz
You were the ony one who was overly concerned about my intentions. You figured it out when i didnt expect anyone to, and whats more, you went above and beyond trying to save me. Your post about me shocked me and at first i wanted you to take it down incase it worked, but i soon calmed down and decided otherwise. So thank you for caring about me so much, it really was a touching sentiment.


Wayne
Although we have rarely seen eye to eye, and some of your comments rub me up the wrong way, you were always there trying to lend support. And what i didnt realise was that your comments were not really for me, they were for every one else. For those who may come accross my blog with the same problems but different circumstances, and you tried to be the voice of reason. I'm sorry i didnt notice this before, and please, dont ever stop.


Jay
You have been there from nearly the very first post. You were one of my first followers and your still with me today. But you have always tried to reach out and talk to me. You were not just follower, you were inspirer to some of my posts and friend to me. You have experienced this rollercoaster yourself and i am glad i had you with me on mine. I am terribily sorry for your father, and how brave you have been through this whole process, and i am even more sorry for having to do this to you as well, but i just have to. Its the only way out and i want it all to end. I'm sorry and hate that i have to do this to you, especially.

Bill
You dont comment on my blog like most people, and well, i dont even know if you'll see this but i have to say goodbye properly to you. You tracked me down on MSN about 3 weeks ago and talked every day since. I didnt really talk about my problems to you but you provided relief in other ways. You enabled me to escape from my life and be who i wanted to be. You gave me the life i dreamed of but could never have, so thank you


Peter
And peter ... you know i will always love you. Even though we are no longer dating, you are still my baby. You always will be. I am truely sorry for the way i said goodbye to you, i knew it would hurt you badly, but i also needed you to know it was the end. I hated having to hurt you and i'm sorry. I know you will probably be the most upset at my passing, but you are not alone. There are those out there who are waiting for you and for your love. You have so much to give, put mine to good use x

Goodbye baby, i love you and always will ...