As i mentioned yesterday, my dad has a new girlfriend called Coral. They have been dating for quite a long time (about 6 months i think) and have gotten kind of serious ... even if they dont addmit it.
She is a lovely woman and i do enjoy her company, but there has been something that has been bugging me more and more lately.
Why is it that adults now days feel they must over-react and over-analyse situations when "ex's" are involved?!
My mum left us about a year ago ... well jsut over ... and although they are not divorced, they are separated and have been for the whole time.
Their marriage was on the rocks for like the last 5 years until my mum couldnt take it any more and left. Now, Coral has been divorced for about 10 years and she really does not like her ex husband so they dont get along.
But mine do!
They were married for 25 years and were best friends for most of it, and try to stay friends even now. And yes there is the whole debate over their histroy and 'will they get back together' that occassionally creeps up, but that is usually just hypothetical.
I mean, yes the ideal of father-mother reunion is always an ideal fairy tale but lets be honest ... it IS a fairy tale. The fact is, my mum missed the single life and didnt like the responsibilities she had so she tried to drop them as much as posible, and that wont change. Her feelings towards my dad wont change either, but they arn't perfect anyway.
Now that the history is over, here comes the frustrating part...
Although Coral is a great woman, i have noticed her changing my dad over time. Only little things revolving arround my mum but it is there ever pressent, and this has a changing affect on my mum too
Coral is a combination of jealous, insecure and paranoid in relatively smallish doses, but its enough.
Like, it began when we went for a celebration (i forget why) where my dad and mum went for a drink, and Coal got upset because "[she] doesnt go drinking with [her] ex husband?!" ... which is true. they dont like each other nor get on, but my parents do! So if they want to stay friends and have a celebratory drink then go ahead!
... come to think of it, i think the celebration was for me winning a couple of awards in Media Studies ... they went drinking without me.
Anyway, Coral threw a bit of a wobbly so now my dad doesnt really go anywhere with my mum on his own. But they do hang out at family events because Coral said thats the only time she really spends with her ex.
Fair enough!
So that happened, then she started to get upset that they were doing this! I mean, i understand that she is worried that they will get back together and that, but coome-on! He is in a relationship with her! You cant force someone to like you by restricting their contact with other people!
To be honest, if he is going to get back with m mum, i'm sure stopping him seeing her at a few events is going to change much.
Now once again, i am not upset at her for doing this because well i would probably try to do someting simmilar. What she is feeling is natural enough and she really is a lovely woman as is mu mum.
What i dont like is that my dad doesnt stand up to her.
He doesnt turn arround and say "actually, i am going to see my ex wife at family events and if you dont like that then i'm sorry" because he shouldnt have to change someting like this for anyone.
No one should.
My dad doesnt want to stand up to her on something like this in case he scares her away. But i think he should because that would either strengthen a brilliant relationship, or break up and crappy one. If someone is going to leave you because they cant trust you for no reason, then you shouldnt be with that person to begin with.
Now there is my dad and mum who come over and spend some time with each other or with us and they always end it with "but lets not tell Coral i was here"
They do it for the right reasons and they are happy to do it (i think) but at the same time it still isn't right. I mean, my mum came over to help us clean the other day and we arnt supposed to say that she helped.
WHY NOT?!
Is it a crime for out mother to come over and help us clean? It has absoloutely no relavence to Coral or her relationship with m father!
So Dad, Mum, Coral Ariel, Ursula ... i'm sorry if this upsets you when you read this, i really am. This is just me venting to the world something private and trying to provide a bit of help to others in this situation.
Stand up for what you believe in, no matter how small or comprimising. If you are having to change who you are or lie to others to prevent someone's feelings being hurt, then think carefully about what you are actually comprimising.
I know i made Coral out to be the bad guy in this and i am also sorry for that. I did not mean to, that is just how the story came out. I will repeat that she is a wonderful woman who is not some possessive and controling bitch, she is a warm hearted person who is slightly insecure. She is not the villain in this. There is no villain.
Just some people i am dissapointed in...
2 comments:
Jeez, I hope your family are not cruising the gay blogs lol. Do remember Jack that women are insanely jealous of competition for their man and are very protective in that regard. That is why as a gay man you can kiss your straight male friendships goodbye when they eventually pair off with women. If your dad re-marries then Coral has an expectation of total commitment within reason.
-I like the 'loved and lost' caption; I would rather be single and have my freedom than to be with a partner who is a control-freak psycho, in which case I would feel just as alone but lose my freedom too. Trying to 'make over' a prospective partner is a sure way to screw the relationship; we need to accept a few warts for a relationship to work. - Wayne :)
The theme of several recent posts — people putting you out of their lives — is certainly a sad one. I'm beginning to wonder if you've got some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy going on here — a view of yourself and your relationships with others that makes this happen and even makes it seem to be happening when it isn't.
I'm speaking form some personal experience. For much of my life I had a "rejection" program playing in my head. I'd see things that people did as being intentional rejection of me, and I avoided a lot of situations for fear of being rejected. Finally, when I was about fifty, I got into group therapy for several years and came to recognize that the idea that I had been rejected, was being rejected, would be rejected was mostly my incorrect outlook. I never quite figured out how it all started, but it was enough to realize that it was not true.So what I'd encourage you to do is to try to consider other ways of looking at events. Everybody is self-absorbed to some extent, so it's not surprising that you're not number one in their lives. But it's not all or nothing. If they don't make as much time for you as you'd like, if they are more interested in themselves and other people in their lives, that doesn't mean they don't care about you at all.
It will take time to develop a new outlook on yourself, your life, and your relationships, but you can do it if you keep working at it. And you'll be much happier when you've done it.
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