Open Eyes

Yes, my eyes are forever open.

Ever since a child i've had sleeping problems .. not that anyone believes me.

I dont know when it began, but i must have been about 7 years old, when i remember it from. Sat alone in my room for hours on end, just waiting for sleep to arrive.

Sometimes it was just that my brain wouldnt turn off, other times i wasnt tired and other times i was just too bored to sleep. Well, those are the most reoccurant themes.

... Well that or the nightmares ... but i wont go into that.

I would just lye there for several hours, late into the night until i would finally fall asleep for whatever reason. Litterally, i would not sleep until it was at least 11pm ... and for a 7 year old, that is late!

So logically, i decided that enough was enough and i may as well put this wasted time to a decent use and watch television. I tried reading, but i had a cabin bed (a bunkbed without a bottom bed) so my reading light was right next to the window above my door, meaning it was very obvious i was up lol.

So i would just watch television until i grew tired about 11, always 11, and then turn it off and go to bed.

Now, of course i had to be careful, i mean staying up past your bedtime to watch TV is a dangerous game lol, but pretty soon i perfected it. Whenever someone came upstairs to bed, you would hear a sequence of sounds ... the curtains closing downstairs, the kitchen door closing, somoene coming up the stairs and then someone at the top of the stairs ... then you either sank or swam.

All i had to do was either turn my TV off and climb into bed (and either sleep or usually wait about 10 mins and then continue watching TV) or on the rare chance i missed these sounds, i would pretend to be asleep and my parents would come in and turn my TV off.

I must have been caught like 3 times since then. I'm a good actor :/

But you see, this isnt me being naive and everything. I have tried everything i can think off to sleep better. I've tried going to bed early and repeatedly so that i can change my sleep routine, i've triend changing my nightime routine (ie. bath and stuff) i've tried doing more active things in the day to tire my brain out

... i've tried it all!

So here i am ... constantly awake. Ok, so a slight exageration, but i am awake about 19 hours a day at least. I constantly have bags under my eyes and what's worse is that no one believes me.

Its only a minor thing, but it really hurts when no one believes you, calls you a liar and then completely denies your childhood memories.

Now, i;m not particularly attached to those memories, its not like i cherish them, but they are memories none the less, and its not nice to have someone deny the existance of all those feelings and emotions.

But i just have to get it sorted because i dont know what it is thats causing me to be this fucked up. I mean, it doesnt sounds like Insomnia because although its constant and repetitive, its not lack of sleep, just lack of sleep up until a certain time.

What if i'm fucked up like this forever, wont that be a little difficult when i'm with someone. Lying awake next to them for hours on end to not look abnormal ... and then what if they woke up?! Or should i just refuse to go to bed until i'm tired ... then how fucking fucked up will i look!?

Well ... its a bit more complicated than this ...



... as the song said ... to be continued ...