...Its happening again.
Repeatedly invading my mind daily
Growing, spreading, amplifying
Taking over.
I need to self harm.
Its an addiction, and i know it. But i cant help it. Now i know all you out there will be like "just stop doing it" or "go and get help you freak" but its not that simple. I cant go and get help, i just physically cant, i have a phobia of doctors and it would kill me. But if i dont self harm it builds up, and it gets worse, to extreme measures that i stuggle to control.
Its kind of like if your starving, its better to eat in moderation then to stuff your face or to starve.
(idk, it makes sense in my mind!)
I just, i just crave the feeling of self harm. The ripping of flesh, cutting and slicing through the skin into the softer flesh underneath. The colour of the blood as it drips down my arm and off the cold heartless blade. The burning sensation that eminates through your body as the shock sets in, and the instant chilling that results.I crave the different impliments that i could use and the unique cuts that would be created. Knife (both sharp and serrated), razor blade, scalpul, craft knife, scissors, broken glass, nails, saw, tin opener, thorns, paper, card, pens, plastic, claws, nail clippers
and then there are the things that dont cut but still inflict plain. Lighters, teeth, pills, fast moving trains, speeding cars, falling, punching walls,
electricity, drawning, floride, rat poison, suffocation, dehidration, starvation, burning, rope
I just, i just crave this. I crave pain, i crave blood, i crave suffering, i just, i crave death
4 comments:
Worrying post is worrying :/
I don't quite know what to say or do but we are here for you, Jack. *hugs*
Rowan <3
I suppose minor harm is better than major, but the danger is that it could escalate. You don't need a physician. You need a psychiatrist or some other kind of therapist. I hope you aren't terrified of them. You might consider group therapy, where people with similar problems discuss things with each other and gain insights from what goes on in the others' lives. If there is a mental health agency where you live or nearby, it would probably make sense to get in touch with them.
You know that this compulsion is not good.
Jack
I think it's good that you feel able to talk about this; I'm sure it can't be easy. I wish there was some way for you not to feel like this.
*hugs*
Mark
I agree with naturgesetz; you should be talking to a therapist about this problem if it persists and escalates. I have read that teens get hooked on the 'cutting' or self harm so they can experience the endorphin rush that the pain causes; like an emotion they cannot experience otherwise. It is not a phobia but a fear that this thrill will be taken away from you. (the reason why cigarette smokers will not see a doctor) It is a false thrill and you could also get a severe infection even from minor cuts (eg flesh-eating disease). I know you crave love, not death. You're not fucked up, you just need to adjust the brain wiring and substitute positive thinking. You have more self-discipline and self-control than you think; use it. Go for the joy of sex rather than allow yourself to go down this path. It makes for better posts! bfn - Wayne (hugs!)
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