We Made Love ...

Yes, it may sound strange, and yes we are still separated by a deep dark chasm filled with freezing cold water and underwater animals. We spoke this morning and as I had another day off college (the busses’ were not running) then we stayed up for a long time. We talked about almost everything and it was just easy and carefree. At first I was a little tired as I had got 4 hours sleep ... yes, we spoke only hours before and it still felt terrible being away from him ... but I soon wakened up. Then, typically just as my dad is getting up, things take a sexual turn. But it was different this time, it was carefree, it was honest and exposed. I loved it. And I love him.

We did anything and everything this time, and it was a milestone. We took pictures of our amazing boyfriends, we jerked and even did a little penetration; and some more stuff that was SO romantic, but I’ll leave off here lol. We didn’t do anything major, but it signified a giant leap in our trust of one another and I would like to think that with everything we did, it’s just a small token to show how much I love him. We even kissed for the first time. I know it is corny and probably sad, but it meant a lot to me and if its only a token of a real kiss, then sign me up!

We did not fuck. We made love.

...

So yesterday my dad came into the room and sat me down. It gets kind of frustrating when he does this, as he has only done it two other times. Once a few years ago when he left for about 2 weeks as he cheated on my mum; and the other was in may when mum left. Fortunately this time is was not as serious, but he told me that he got back in touch with the woman who he cheated on my mum with, and explained how they went for a drink together. And strangely enough, I am fine with it. As long as he is happy I don’t care who he is with. He expressed a lot of concerns about telling mum about her, as she can be kind of selfish some times (like it might ruin their friendship, as he cheated on mum with her, regardless of the fact that he came back and he let her move on).

I found it astonishing how similar our two predicaments are:

• We both have secret partners (they are not dating, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they did).
• We both can’t help who we ‘like’.
• WE both have big secrets from our loved ones.
• We both want to confide in each other.
• We are both very concerned about how my mum will take our news.
• We have both ‘hung out’ with our partners, but not gone on a ‘date’ (Physical baby, ok?)
• We both would like to be able to bring our loved ones home to the rest of the family.

So I quickly realised this, and remembered that I would be coming out to him too, so I twisted my response a little. The famous phrase “treat others as you’d wish to be treated”, and that was exactly what I did. I mean I was ok with it, so it didn’t affect the content, I just made sure to say certain things: like “You can’t help who you love”; “It’s hard keeping secrets, especially when you’re not sure of someone else’s response” and “you shouldn’t chance who you are attracted to, or drawn to, just to fit in with someone’s restrictions on you”. There were a lot more, but I forgot them haha. But basically I just generalised them, hoping that if I emphasised how understanding and caring I am, that he might be the same with me: he even said that I get my compassion from him ... so here is hoping.

~ Ttyl, A Hopeful Jack x

P.S.