Back from the Brink

So today and last night have been surprisingly eventful, so I’ll break each section down into bite-sized pieces for yall :)  ...  Oh, and sorry or the Pictures, my camera isn't very good lol.

...

IT’S SNOWING!!!! Or at least, it was. It wasn’t much – only about 1 or 2 inches – but here in England, we take snow very seriously. We are either over prepared, or under. But I think my college is Psychic as they managed to give us the ONE day off (randomly on a Tuesday too) that it snows. And they had it scheduled before anyone even heard about the ‘arctic wind’. So I didn’t mind, day off and I got to spend it doing all kinda of Christmassy stuff! Half way through the day me and some friends went down our local shops to just hang-out and get some ‘munch’ (food, to the rest of yall), and it was great fun. We spent about an hour making a 10 min trip! And it was great just chatting to them, which I haven’t done in ages! But of course the snow stopped earlier and so I have college again tomorrow.

(For Peter, and all you out there who have never heard this. Not the original but I prefer this one, and it reminds me of Peter and me)

...

I wanted to surprise my family today by making sure that when they left the house, for work, it was normal; and by the time they got home, it was completely decorated! In case you haven’t guessed, I am a complete Christmas fanatic! I get it from my mother, lol. So I woke up early and talked to Peter for a while (I’m getting to that!!!) which kinda screwed up my schedule, but it was worth it. So after that, I climbed up into our attic and got down ALL of our decorations ... by myself! And don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of decorations! About 10 boxes. BIG BOXES. I even found my old Beanie-Baby collection (a further 3 or 4 boxes) and had a nice stroll down memory lane. I was being pretty loud throughout and my Sister still slept through it all! So I precariously climbed down, assembled our tree and spent my day off decorating to make the family in the Christmas mood. But what did I get home to? “Oh... I was going to do that another time as I didn’t want it like this”. Oh, ok. Not even a comment on how nice it looked, or the effort, or even the fact that I had to do all this on my own! – I mean, climbing up and down a ladder with my arms full, and then down the stairs is no easy task! – but w/e.

...

Ok, so now onto last night’s event down that dark, dark, road. Which I dragged Peter down. By the hair. I had a little ‘episode’ and I feel really bad. I’m sure some of you have read Peter’s blog where he hinted around this but didn’t explain, so I will. Jake kinda gets to me and can make me a little down about me and Peter; that mixed with the need to self harm after my cat drew blood, and just a random depressive episode; caused me to get REALLY down. To the point of wanting to self harm and even think about suicide. Don’t worry, I don’t want to self harm and I could never leave Peter (in ANY way!) but I just hate getting those thoughts. How? When? Where? Impact? The list is endless. Sometimes I just hate myself, and I drag others down. So in the end I just crawled into bed for a dreamless sleep :/

...

Fortunately I awoke in a better mood, which was greatly improved when Peter came online, and I'm glad to say that I am Back from the Brink. We had a mini-date (the first successful one) and it was great. The worst thing that happened? Our attempt at playing Monopoly failed. Terrible! I know! But I’m sure we’ll live, lol. I just love spending time with him. I just love him. It was our One Month Anniversary today, and although we didn’t talk much after this, I don’t care. I got to talk to my amazing bf, which set my mood for the rest of the day. I just can’t wait until we can be together ...

(From Ugly Betty ... yes I watch it, problem? ... this is a sub-plot about how Justin has a secret boyfriend and even gave me some ideas for Peter, hehe)

I love you baby! I really do! No matter what I say, I always will!

~ A Smitten Jack xx

HELP!

Ok, so I’ve put off doing this post for like a week now, and I really can’t afford to keep doing it. I need help. And I need it now.

...

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND PETER!!! Why did I start this section off with that, I hear you ask? Well he is the entre problem. Well not the problem, more the cause. I want to come out! I mean, completely. Since I accepted myself I said that I would come out in the summer of 2010, as I would be going off to University then and I would want to be able to have a bf if I wanted and I wouldn’t have to lie. Well things have changed and not only did I screw up the timings there, but I did them in the wrong order.

I have a bf but am not out.

I mean, most of my friends know and coming out to everyone else isn’t a problem, but my family are. I love Peter and I hate lying to people about him. I even came out to one of my closest friends last night and got one of the best reactions, she stopped dead in the pavement with her jaw on the ground. I have become an expert on bending the truth lol, like I dont think I ever said 'she' was a 'she' at all to her. They just assume. Apparently she never even guessed which I’m surprised at, but she’s really cool with it. I just want to stand at the top of a mountain and scream:

“I HAVE A FUCKING AMAZING BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE HIM TO PIECES!!!”

But I can’t. Yet.

I keep having perfect moments where I could come out to a family member but I know that I should put some thought into it. Like the other day my sister came into my room and we had a nice chat about my ‘gf’ and her bf and how we tell each other most stuff, and she likes that me and my ‘gf’ are trying to make it work. I was so tempted to just turn around and say, “oh yh, you know I haven’t told you ‘her’ name? Well, its Peter”, but I didn’t.

Its just ...  I’m like 99.999% sure that my family would be ok with me. As a younger child (13 or so) my mum used to make random comments to me, just stuff like “I don’t care who you date, as long as your happy” and I always felt like she was trying to figure out of I was gay or not. I mean, she ALWAYS used the word ‘person’ or ‘who’ but it was never gendered. But then there are times where she can sound kinda judgmental and homophobic (she isn’t), so that’s where the 0.0001% comes from, among other stuff.

So I’ve decided that I want to come out. Soon. In fact, I want to do it between the 10^th and the 25^th. Why then? I hear you ask. Because I don’t want to do it before my birthday (10^th) or Christmas, in case it is awkward or something goes wrong. So that gives me a 15 day period to decide from and for everything to become normal. Oh and I don’t want to do it after if I can, as I would probably chicken out. The only problems left are how, where who and what.

HOW: How should I come out? Should I tell them I am bi. Should I tell them how long I’ve known and kept it a secret for this long. Is there any kind of wording that I should use, or better yet, avoid? It is completely different to coming out to a friend, I don’t know why, but it is just a lot more ... stressful. With a friend its just like “oh I’m bi” but with a family, it’s so much more.

WHERE: Should I sit them all down at the dinner table? Or should I do it before, or after? Who’s house should I do it at? The family home where mum will be out of place but homely, or at mum’s where others will be, but its open plan and no one can hide? Or am I overcomplicating this?

WHO: I know most people say that you should do it all at once, so that no one feels left out. Like if I tell my dad before my mum, will she be offended? And so should I tell everyone at once and then I only have to do it once? But then, if I tell my sisters first (for example) then they could help me plan it and be there for me, in case something goes wrong. And it would/could be more personal. But then, I don’t know if I could do it twice.

WHAT: They already know that I am dating someone (one sister knows ‘she’ lives in America), so if I come out, they are almost guaranteed to ask about it. But I’ve heard from various places that you should take it in stages and tell them about YOU first and then about others. Should I tell them about Peter at the same time, or should I wait for the questions?

I just don’t know. I need help. And I need it fast.

A Distressed and Distraught Jack xx

My Quickie

Haha, not that type of Quickie. I meant a quick post :P I think this will be the first time I say "Quick" and acctually mean it. I jsut thought that I would fill yall in on my week so far, as I am saving up for a big post on Friday, so keep your eyes peeled ...

So Media: First one of my team members drop out of college, now my only remaining partner broke his thumb. Ironically when he skipped the lesson to play Rugby. I'm a little annoyed as I will have to do exta work for him, but it won't take too long to heal up. I think.

My UCAS (University) application is due in for tomorow, but my stupid form tutor is refusing to check it over which is essential, until tomorow! So I HAVE to leave it last minute before I can send it ... GRRR

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FOR ALL YOU AMERICAN'S OUT THERE

Also my English Literature coursework is due in tomorow, but its only the first draft. So I adapted an old essay and left it at that. I can change it after. Too much work!!!

I love my baby SOOOOO much! We haven't had much chance to talk lately, but we are getting through it. We text, email, facebook, msn and Blog. Oh and we use our online Diary's to talk to each other, so we are never short of stuff to say. But even if we are (like the other day on MSN) I am just happy being there with him and being able to see his beautiful face. I know I say 'I love you' way too much but I can't help it. I DO!!!

~ LOVE YOU!!!! Jack xx

C ?!?!?!?!?!

So I finally finished my EPQ (Extended Project Qualification) which is where you choose a topic youself

and have to spend like 4 months researching it, to end up with a finsihed product. I chose to focus on Tutankhamun (as I'm sure some/most of you know, I am obsesed about Egyptology lol), so I created a 1000 word essay, display model and a presentation, which was a nightmare to do ... not for fear of going under, but for going over. In the end I was 543 words over.

I spent ages on this project and made sure everything was in such detail that I oculd be proud of it! And I am, its just I got a fucking C! I don't mean to sound big-headed but I am a perfectionist and I have never gotten below a B before, as a final grade. I am SO upset atm. I know ... sad, lol. But I'm also angry, because as it is almost entirely research based, my Supervisor had EVERY oportunity to tell me I am working at a D C grade and how to improve it. But he didn't! And now I have wasted 4 months of my life to achieve something that will BARELY benefit me when applying to University!

But oh well, there is nothing i can do now, and it is only a predicted grade. So w/e ...

He're my D i mean C grade essay (he changed it last minute)

To what extent are existing research and theories of Tutankhamun’s Death Accurate?

I EVEN MADE A FOOT!!!
Photo Diary of Making my Foot



~ Jack xx

116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand’ring barque,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle’s compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Love you baby, Jack xx

The Deep Blue

So I thought that I would post a little differently than before, and start off with a video.
I saw this song on Glee (yes, I watch Glee, lol) and it just reminded me so much of my baby. I can’t wait to be able to see you after a whole week, gosh, I feel like I’m in withdrawal haha, if that’s even possible. But he really is my best friend and I really do love him, despite being across the “deep blue”. I love you baby!

...

So this post is actually in a response to a question from a one MR Micky. He asked:

“What is this ‘Church Youth Group’ and what does it mean to you?”

Well, instead of just giving you all a simple answer, I thought that I would tell you a little more about myself, my beliefs and my life. So here goes ...

I wouldn’t describe myself as being Atheist or Agnostic. I mean, I don’t believe in God but at the same time I might. Since childhood, I have spent most of my life theorising, analysing, rationalising life and it did nothing for me. Both of my sisters were raised religiously, they were baptised and went to Church, but it was almost as if by the time my parents had their third child, they had given up. Unlike them, I didn’t have a middle name, I wasn’t baptised, and I wasn’t taken to church. They just sort of, forgot me. But this isn’t about that, stop making me get off track! So I didn’t have a religious upbringing like them, and so I tried to fit in and turned to Christianity. This didn’t last long, I grew tired of asking pointless questions that were never going to be answered. In the famous words of ... (bonus point, if someone can tell me who) :

When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate.

So as I felt abandoned by the one person who was supposed to be there for you, unconditionally, I abandoned him. I shied away from Christianity and became Atheist. But in later years, I once again changed my religion ... I became a Buddhist. I thought logically that as I believed with almost ALL of their beliefs, then I MUST be Buddhist ... intentional or not. But this soon collapsed as just because I agreed with them, didn’t make me one of them. So here I am, I am neither Atheist or Agnostic. Why? Because I don’t get caught up on higher powers – or lack of – I live in the moment and just try to make the best of life. If life gives you lemons, why sit there and thinking about marketing?

‘So why do I go to a Christian Youth Group?’ I hear you ask. That has a simple answer. Because my friends do. No, its not about peer pressure, but simple the inaccessibility I have to them. This is because most of the people who go there are either younger than me and therefore still go to school, or they go to different colleges. There are 3 people I see on a daily basis there and for the rest, this is the only time. So I see that having to sit through a 5 minute lecture on the Bible as a small sacrifice to pay, to be able to see my friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I still agree with what the bible says – tbh all religions come down to the same basics – and find it interesting (even if I disagree with some of the big stuff, like Jesus) ; so I don’t mind sitting there respectfully while some pray and talk ... and yes, they know and like it that there are non-Christians there, before you say anything, lol.

So that about scratches the surface on my opinions on Religion, hope you liked it ... or at least aren’t put off by it lol. As always, I love getting comments, so feel free :)

~Jack xx

Freedom!

So I've basically been locked inside my house for the last 2 and a half days due to being ill; but on Fridays I go to this Church-run Youth Group, and I managed to persuade him to let me go. I mean, he didn’t put up much of a fight (He said ok immediately and said “I’m almost 18 and can do what I like”, which is strangely uncharacteristic of him. But I stated my pre-planned case, so that he wouldn’t judge me ... like I could see my sister doing in the living room.

...

So on the way, I walked with my friend and we stopped off so I could get a drink, and her some fags, and that was when the drama kicked off. One man was waiting in an aisle for the counter – waiting to be served – and so I walked past him to the actual queue. So he ended up barging into the queue and took the place of this couple. Usually this isn’t a problem and either a few brief words are exchanged or a couple of glances, but not this time. The man from the couple (henceforth known as A) made a small comment, and Man B blew his lid. He started being really sarcastic and patronising saying that Man A could go first. He didn’t. But it wasn’t about him skipping the queue, it was about the principle and about his attitude. Most ordinary people would apologise or ignore the comment, but Ohhh No! Not this guy. They got into an argument and in the end Man A’s gf got in the middle and said for them to leave it ... swiftly met by a remark along the lines of “Pathetic” from B. As he left the store in his suit, briefcase and got into his fancy car ... it’s always the posh ones, I thought.

Later on that night wasn’t much better, it was pretty boring. It consisted of me coughing up a longue and being sat on for the majority of the night ... which is actually normal. But in the end, when I was freed I went over to sit with some other friends and I was met by one of the biggest, friendliest, cutest, most annoying person in the world!

(ok, gross over exaggeration ... especially the ‘cutest' part ... Love you baby!)
His name was Pablo (for Purpose sake) and granted I don’t know him much, and they always say 'don’t judge a book by its cover', and I didn’t. I judged him on his contents page. I haven’t really gotten to know him much and have barely exchanged pleasantries with him, but I constantly overhear conversations and his actions speak louder than words.
Like, he is always buying everyone sweets from the Tuck-shop they run. ‘How Nice’ you may say ... but its just to flaunt his money in people’s faces. He ONLY wears deigner clothes and makes sure people notice it, and if his gf is with him, then they are:

A)    Exchanging ‘pleasantries’ themselves

B)    Showing off how much they are in Love

C)    Commenting on how amazing he is

And it just gets on my nerves SO much! I mean, in his Facebook description he litterally says:
“my life has been pretty busy since i've become signed.. so now my lifes all focused on music I love music and I'm quite a talented singer”
And I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but when you combine it with the personality, it sets alarm bells off in my head. He is jsut so ... so ... so, self important, it makes my skin crawl. True, he probably is a good musician, and an artist, and has quite a good body on him (Facebook again) but I just hate it when people have no modesty!

But as I was saying, I got to know him a bit, and when he isn’t being a complete tit, he is really quite nice, and we get on quite well.

So I guess my advice for today is ...

• Dont judge a book by its cover
• The contents page is enlightening, but only the basics
• Spoilers from the end, leave out a lot of the plot
• So read the first few chapters to see what its truely like.

Then you’ll know what to do.

~ Thanks, Love you Peter, Jack xx

The Irony of Busses

No, this post is not about actual Busses, but rather that famous phrase: ‘Why is it when you’re waiting for a Bus, none come along ... and when you’re not, then three come at once?’ ... And men are just the same. To some extent, but are WAY more confusing!

...

Ok, so before I came out to anyone (exception to Oliver) my friends brother – who I had a MASSIVE crush on at the time sent me a Facebook message. But literally the day before I met Joe, and I could have a relationship with him (or rather I thought I could); so here are the highlights of the message:

"Hello handsome, when are you going to come out? X"

I said I wasn’t gay

"Don't worry...I've been there and I know what it's like. I also think you're hot and (more importantly) a really nice guy. I have a day off work on Friday...fancy meeting up? X"

I said I was busy on Friday ... I WAS!!

"You just make sure that you take care of yourself and I will make sure that I see you soon! Xxx"

And do you know what he did after sending me this? NOTHING! He didn’t speak a word to me for the next three months! I posted further comments after our conversation, but nada. I posted on his wall asking how he was, nada. I sent him further emails trying to talk to him and find out why he was ignoring me ... but you guessed it. Nada.

This hurt a lot more than you might think. I mean, I’m sure you all know I don’t have the highest self esteem, and at the time I thought it might have been his sister trying to find out about my sexuality (who I told about a week after), but I never found out. I mean, how confusing and hurtful, that one minute he is basically asking me out on a date or something and the next he is ignoring me completely?!

So, in the end I just gave up. I commented on things that came up on my ‘wall’ as usual, but didn’t expect anything. So I started ‘seeing’ Joe and then he broke my heart and I kinda just floated about the place. Then someone else came into my life. My gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, caring, considerate, lovable, kind, sweet ... I lost track of my thoughts ... Oh yh! Peter! I met Peter, and all was good in the world again. Ironically, about 2 days after me and Peter first ‘went on webcam’, I attened a Party where my friend was supposed to go. And I had an entire routine planned out about how I could text her brother to find out if she was coming; hoping to strike up a conversation without sounding like a complete stalker. But as I said, I met Peter and completely forgot about him.

Then, tonight, out of the blue I comment on his status giving him some fund raising ideas and he messages me! He says they are really good suggestions and asked about my relationship. So we got talking and he explained it all ... better late than never. Ironically, as I did not tell him I was gay/bi he wanted to leave me alone so I could ‘figure things out’ ... whereas I was trying to contact him so that I could tell him. Life’s a bitch.

So we got talking and he said that I was an amazing guy and he really wants to hang out; only this time he made sure to explain it would not be romantic (although he kept dropping hints/suggestions, but it may just have been his wording :S) as I had a bf.

... Of course I told him about Peter! ...

So we are probably going to be talking a lot more now, because he genuinely likes me and thinks I’m a nice guy; and he wants to hang out. Which is great because I love his sister and, me and his mum get on quite well. So this would be a trifecta! Haha

... although tbh I did have a bit of a crush on his sister ... but that another story my blogging companions, for another day.



As I Said ... Busses and Confusion go Hand in Hand

 ~ Jack xx
(P.S. Dont worry Peter, I'm not going to do anything just because he is cute ... I wont lie ... but I'm not going to do anything because I love you and only want to be with you! xx)

Why Does Winter Hate Me ?!

So I have been ill all week with a stupid cold and a cough. I think my sister gave it to me, but it is also going around college: attacked from both sides!!! And I know when I say “cold” and “cough” you think ‘aww Didums’. But it is really bad. I feel like crap, seriously lacking energy, can’t stop coughing and its all aggravating my asthma and hay fever. Not a good combination. I was up really late last night because I couldn’t stop coughing long enough to fall asleep, but I did get a lye in. Strange how when I sleep the longest, I feel the worst. So I went into college today, but I got a temperature and felt even worse than before, so after going to one lesson and teaching one, I went home. But by the time I arrived at my door, it was already 1.30. Such a waste of a day.

I think I'm going to take tomorow off of college, so that I can recover. The only thing is we have this stupid automated call-in system; which mean when I call in to say that I am ill, it always sounds so ... fake. I can't sit there and have a rant about my symptoms, it's litterally just "I have a Cough and a Cold" ... yh, REAL convincing there :/ but oh well, I know I am ill, so who cares.

 

So this leads me onto my rant of the day ... Why Does Winter Hate Me ?!

~ Jack xx

Sleep

Ok, so this will have to be a short post. An update.

Me and Peter are (or seem to me, to be) fine. We have talked a lot about what happened, and my problem was not with the name but my insecurities. And I have come to terms with that and feel bad for making feel that way. I even changed his Facebook Relationship Status to be in a 'Relationship' (from 'Open') just to show him how much he means to me and how much I care; but can/will change it back if he wants me, as we are not monogomous. But as I said, we are constantly talking.

Peter is having a bit of computer trouble, so he won’t be online for a little while, but we figured out a way where he can text me (free) and I can email to his phone. There are some limitations, like I can’t send him photo’s, and texts have to be fewer than 160 words, but we manage. And it brightens my day when I check my emails in between lessons, to realise I have an email/text from by amazing bf <3

It was quite funny/scary yesterday. I had to stay late to do some work, and didn’t leave until about 5.30. Usually this isn’t a problem, but at its winter, it gets dark about 4! AND it was ridiculously foggy. So I couldn’t see two feet in front of me! Anyway, as I was walking home, I swear I was being followed by this kind of cute guy, so I didn’t mind. I didn’t think much of it, but I mean I moved off the path so he could go past, and he didn’t, and he kept speeding up as I did, and slowing down. Kind of felt like he was trying to keep up with me ha-ha. But he gave off a straight vibe, and besides ... I have my Peter, so I wouldn’t have done anything anyway. But a nice thought (however, romanticised).

So lately my dad ... and mum ... and sister have been bugging me because of me sleeping habits. I go to bed about midnight and get up about 7am (sometimes earlier if Peter is online). Granted I do this so that I can talk to my bf and blog and check face book, but there is original problems too. Since I was a child I had trouble sleeping. I would go to ‘bed’ at about 9 and watch TV until about 11, because I wasn’t tired and I had a TV in my room, so it wasn’t a problem. Then when my parents came upstairs I would either turn the TV off and climb into bed, or pretend to have fallen asleep (they still don’t believe me about this point); and then when they fell asleep I would watch more TV until I was tired, which was usually about 1am. I realised that I could wither lye in bed until 1am not sleeping, or I could do something more interesting until then. So I did the latter. So since childhood I haven’t slept well and I still hold this philosophy. And I know what you lot will say, ha-ha, that I should get a routine or just lay there until I sleep (and it will become easier each time) but none of these work ... I have tried. I dot mind this routine, and if I am tired before usual, then I go to bed. Simple.

So anyway, my family have been bugging me about this, and now I have to sit down with my dad and explain why I am not sleeping. It’s just frustrating because I have told him all of this on more than one occasion, but he doesn’t listen. And so when I have to talk to him repeatedly and then to my sister and then to my mum, and then he gets annoyed because I haven’t explained it to him, it is fare to say that I get frustrated. But here goes ... again :/

But I think I’ll end this on a positive. This is a picture Peter sent me off of his phone <3

~ A Love-Struck Jack xx

My Date ...

Ok, so I’m sure all of you already know what happened on mine and Peter’s date, but here is my side of the story... and I’m going to do it in as kind of run-through of the night x
...
Ok, so here were my first thoughts of our date, taken from my diary post at the time:
Ok, so it is 4.05 am, but it is still the 14th, so be quiet! So I am just at the beginning of a date with my amazing bf. He doesn’t class it as a date as we are not alone, and we couldn’t do anything that we wanted, but I don’t care. I am with him and that is all that matters. Besides, his mum and brother are there, so (as I’ve said) I see this DATE (yes it is a date) as having skipped a few steps and I am now meeting the family, so to speech. I love him so much. But because we couldn’t do anything alone or ‘special’ in his yes, then he is upset.
But I see such sorrow in his eyes at times, it hurts me. Like physically hurts me. I love him and don’t want him to suffer at all. He just looks so sad and alone, I just want to give him a big ol’ hug and kiss, and tell him everything will be ok. But I can’t :( he is hurting and I can’t be there for him; only though a screen. This isn’t good enough :( but I can’t do anything about it, or else I will lose him, and I can’t bear with that.

But this wasn’t the only thing on my mind:
Here is only one other thing that is playing on my mind. And that is Jake. Peter told me that Jake sent him a “hot” topless picture of him. I am not worried about this because I trust Peter and I know he won’t do anything. I just don’t like the idea of Jake getting in the way and taking Peter away from me. I mean, some of the stuff he told me I believe him (like that he could force Peter to do stuff on cam), I mean I don’t think it’s because Peter would cheat on me or anything, but more because it will be months until we can do anything and he has a high sex drive. I’m trying not to be the jealous bf kind, but it’s just so hard when you have such an amazing bf that you fear losing :( I think I’m just being sad ... am I, oh all knowing Diary?!

And so then the actual event happened, where we were ‘camming’ with each other, and I wanted to do something and go that extra step, so I showed my face while we were doing it. It doesn’t sound that big of a deal, but it was a big step for me as neither of us has shown both heads at the same time (so to speak) and it made me feel exceptionally vulnerable. At which point he got my name wrong. Sure, this actual event made me upset and needless to say turned me off, but it just confirmed me biggest fears that I’m not the one he wants. And before you all go off on one haha, I know that he does love me and I love him back, but this was just how my twisted mind works. This was just the final straw that made me break down and cry, because I actually thought that I had lost him... fortunately I don’t think he could see me crying that much. We talked a bit after and he told me about how Jake had been sending him a couple of pictures, which did upset me, but I know it wasn’t to do with Peter and he resisted his “temptation”, which I love him for. And he also has resisted temptation a couple more times as well <3 I have forgiven him for what happened (even if he still gets our names confused haha) but he needs to forgive himself xx



I don't want an ending Peter :(
...
So you guessed it: I’m, pretty insecure about this whole thing. I love Peter, and I still find it difficult to believe that this is happening. I mean, how is it that a complete hunk of a guy who is so kind and caring towards everything likes me? HOW?! So yes, I am very insecure about losing him, and for good reasons too I think. There are many more, but they escape me; so here they are:

•  Jake says he can take Peter away at any point
•  Jake says he can get Peter to do stuff on camera with him (which is one of the only ways we CAN cheat, because that’s what we do)
•  Jake sent him a “hott” shirtless picture (and a nude one too)
•  Peter said that he will never talk to him again ... and now they ARE talking :/
• I still find it hard to believe that someone like Peter likes me 
• I showed ‘both heads’ at once which made me feel vulnerable
• I love Peter and don’t want to lose him ... EVER
• I don’t know what he is doing in his free time (i.e. Is he going to the Track or to fuck someone or sending pictures back to Jake ect) ... I know that he is being honest with me and wouldn’t do that, but there is still that hesitation because I can’t be there with him
• I feel guilty that I can’t be there with him
• And the final thing: He keeps calling me Jake

So I do love you baby, and we can get over this, its just I have this running through my head which means I am prone to thinking you are leaving me or don’t love me ... despite what my mind tells me, my heart disagrees.

I LOVE YOU BABY! And I’m sorry x
Jack xx

I HAVE A DATE!!!

Well, kinda. Peter asked me out a few days ago, for a virtual date. I dont know what we will do; but it will probably involve watching a film or playing some games over MSN (any suggestions?). But i honestly dont care what we do! as long as i get to spend time with my baby! xx The only other thing is we haven't decided when exactly we will do it, because it has to fit in with his schedule and his family's: but to quote myself "But i honestly dont care ... as long as i get to spend time with my baby!" Love You xx

This is for you x and describes how i feel about you xx



Can't wait, from an excited Jack! xx

My Problems Part 4

Ok, so i did finish this section last time; but i came across one of my old songs i wrote and i thought it applied quite nicely :) so enjoy

...

Is there anywhere,

that i can run away to,

n is there anywhere,

to disapear and hide.

somewhere, where I,

I dont have to abide,

by someone else's rules.

Somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere, now.

i dont care where it is, and how,

I get there, isn't a problem,

i just want to know where,

I just need to know.

Just somewhere, where,

I can say, what I wana say,

and be, who I wana be,

because, I wana be,

anywhere, but here.

A quiet little hole,

to crawl into,

deep and dark,

its nothing new.

I dont care where,

just anywhere,

away from here.

An escape,

to just run away,

follow the path,

to a better place,

no matter where,

it takes me,

I dont care.

...

Hope this helps to explain how i felt and thereby influence how you treat others like it. Im not saying you dont, but it may provide you with further insight into their minds, and help you to help them.

Thank you all for being here for me, throughout this segment x
Jack xx

My Problems Part 3

Yes, there is a third instalment. But this should be my last as ... well, I can’t think of anything else lol.
...

So this all began years and years ago, back when I was a little child. I have already mentioned how I turned to food as a source of comfort and relief from day-to-day life; but I haven’t really talked about the impact this had on me. I was always a big child, and when I started this I became a huge child! It got to the point where every day after school I would go to the local shops and buy two BIG packets of crisps for £1. And these are not normal sized crisps, and when I say big, I don’t mean big-normal packets, I mean HUGE! Haha. But fortunately my metabolism kicked in and I didn’t gain any more weight ... I just didn’t lose it. I had asthma and hated exercise with a passion, so I was constantly big. I was picked on a lot as a child, and always felt like an outcast.

Well over the years I tried a multitude of different diets and regimes but none of them worked. And then one day I got the courage to try some diet pills: they worked; but they cost a fortune and I couldn’t afford this. But as they were meal-supplements I got this crazy idea to reduce what I ate, or even stop. But I didn’t carry this out... I was amazed; and by now I had trained my body not to be hungry anymore, so I didn’t have to work, although I chose to. I knew (and still do) that this was ridiculously unhealthy for my body and that I would just put this weight back on after I stop this stupid thing; but I loved the results too much, and was never hungry anymore. I always find excuses why I can’t eat. Breakfast I am either “late to college” or I will “eat when I get there” but never do; lunchtime “I am too busy to eat” but dinner is the most complicated. I used to eat about 3 meals a week because my parents kept moaning that I ate too much junk food (my excuses often revolved around take-out) ... ironic.

But my family soon realised a change in me ... not only was I losing weight (to my delight) but I also seemed more confident and  outgoing. It is at the stage where if i wear my old trousers, while going up the stairs, they litterally fall down around my feet. The only problem was that this did little to change my parents belief in me. When I lost enough weight to go down a shirt size, they didn’t believe me and insisted that I buy one too big because “it wouldn’t fit”, even though it would, and that “I might put the weight back on” which I haven’t. The only problem I found was that I had fucked up my body quite a lot, and I now find it hard to be hungry or eat. I lose my appetite quickly and even little things can put me off; so that there are days where I simply forget to eat.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not skinny or anywhere near it, but that’s the thing about anorexia, it affects everyone. The young, the old, the thin the fat: they’re all the same, its just that people only pick up on the stick-thin people. I am proud to say that I am eating more, and eat dinner almost every night. I know this is not amazing, but it is a lot for me, and is a big step in making sure I don’t damage my body too much more. As always I would not recomend this to anyone! Sure it may make you thinner, but at what cost? So I beg you PLEASE! don't do this to yourself and those around you x

 

So that is me. I am a sickly, depressed, OCD, overly cautious and easily up-settable anorexic ... who is fat, sad, alone and pedantic about the world. Ironic isn’t it?

Jack xx

My Problems Part 2

So I did finish this post last time, but I forgot about this, so I thought that I would just continue. As do my problems :/ So this ‘problem’ is my phobia of having things stolen (intentional or joking) as well as my panic attacks.

...

A few years ago, when I was about 14 or so, something happened that would affect me in quite a big way. I’m sure you can all guess what it is, but I’ma tell you the story anyway. So at the time I was just at that age where I wanted a part time job, and there was this shooting range where they hired minors (and adults) to mark down the score the shooters got. You got quite good pay, but it was a bit difficult to get to and you had to do a day’s training: but you could get trained by anyone, and if they were nice they would pay you half of their wages. Anyway, I had been there before and trained, but I forgot it, so I decided to get trained again by me friend, neighbour and ex gf. I popped into town a few hours before to mosey around the shops and got the bus home so that I would be there for 3 (when we were leaving for the ‘Ranges’). I got outside my street when I needed to call my friend to let her know I would be ready in about 30 mins, so I got out my phone, called her and hung up. Then two guys called me over from across the road (still literally just outside my street) and so I tried to ignore them but in the end I gave up and walked over there. So they asked if they could borrow my phone to call their friend “Trophy” to tell them where they are; so being the niaive idiot that I am, I agreed, thinking that there is no wrong in the world and people are nice human beings. I was wrong. They called their friend a couple of times, but he didn’t answer, so they asked (begged) me to let them walk up the road towards the main road to see if their friend was there. No problem I thought, I am close to home, they seem friendly and if they are going to steal my phone, they would have by now. So I walk with them, not entirely trusting them, but going along with it. They got to the end of the road and called him again ... no answer. They persuaded me to let them borrow my phone while walking down the local alleyway ...

They got to the local school and they still had my phone and by now I was a little worried. They continued to walk down towards the local shops, making idle conversation, but I mainly kept to myself. By the time that they walked past the shops and continued towards the ‘rough part of town’ I got really worried. I asked for my phone back. They ignored me. I got increasingly worried.

They continued walking through an estate of terraced houses, each interlinking to form a labyrinth, by the time I was getting lost. At this point, I was doing my best to make sure that they heard me asking for my phone back. I was tempted to leave and go home – I was already late to my friends house and for the training, but I didn’t want to just ‘give up’ on my phone – so I asked again. Eventually, I tapped him on the shoulder and said

“I want my phone back”, to which he replied

“touch me again and I’ll break your nose” ... not the most threatening thing, but I think it was way more believable than ‘I’ll kill you’

I was terrified, and asked again (a little less sure about myself) for my phone. I knew that I was being mugged, but its one of those things that you just cant think and keep going: straight over the cliff. So at this point I lied and said that I had no idea where I was or how to get home, so could I just have my phone and I wished them luck in finding “Trophy”. This backfired, where at this point they took off running. I was not a particularly healthy kid and was relatively obese which meant that not only did I find it hard to keep up with them, but it was amusing watching me try to, to them. I hated it. They ran almost the way back to town, with me behind. I somehow managed to keep up with them, although I was behind them. Eventually they turned around in another alleyway and waited for me. They hit me. It wasn’t to hard or anything, but it hurt and left me fearing for my life, because it was at this point they threatened to kill me and ran off. I thought it would be best to return home. I cried the entire journey home (about 40 mins). No one stopped and asked if I was ok. No one checked to see if I was hurt. No one cared. I felt so alone surrounded by people and I hated it; and do you know what happened as soon as I got in? My mum yelled at me for being so late home and making her waste her afternoon. Needless to say I broke down again and ran up to my room. I told her what had happened, and although sympathetic, she blamed me (as do I) and since then I haven’t been able to deal with this very well.

About a year after ... none of my friends really knew this ... and Jake stole some pieces of paper from my pocket containing some lyrics I had scribbled. I followed him around school for about 30 mins begging to have them back, before we ran into a teacher. He told her that they were his and didn’t know what I was on about. This was too similar for my liking, which was when I walked/ran off crying and went home. Fortunately it was the end of the day, or else I don’t know what I would have done. It only took him until last week to understand my reaction, when he took my phone and refused to give it back. Normally I just panic a bit and cry or something, but when its my phone, I go into full break down mode. I started hyperventilating and had a panic attack. I don’t get them often, but I hate it when I do, and this is one of the only things that trigger me.

So what is the thing that reminded me of this, you ask? Well today in Sociology class we watched a film where a man got mugged (phone) and he followed a seemingly nice guy who claimed to know the thief. 40 mins after they met and a distance away, he drew out a knife and stole the guys laptop. It was a bit too close for comfort, and I had a panic attack. But as it was a lesson and I couldn’t afford to miss MORE of the class, I had to stay, but fortunately no one noticed as I was sat in the corner tears streaming down my face. Afterwards I had to go and see my teacher to organise a meeting, when he wondered why my breathing was strange, and I told her why. She was really sympathetic, and admitted she forgot to ask if this would hurt anyone. Figures.

So to this day I hate my things being ‘stolen’ from me, even if it is a joke, and especially if it is my phone. I can’t help but break down and have panic attacks, each and every time. I never went to the police in the end and they were never caught: but the name “Trophy” still haunts me.

Jack xx

My Problems Part 1

No, this post isnt a post about Peter, no need to worry x 

A few posts ago I talked about my ‘problems’ and promised to explain at another time. Well this time has come. I’ll set them out methodically, one by one, and there will be images and text that may offend some people; so go no further is this is you. So here goes ...

Since a child, I have suffered from Asthma and Eczema: and now they are back, and worse than ever. I am on the industrial strength inhaler (brown) which is one of the strongest you can have, and I have to take it 4x a day :/ effort! As for my eczema, it’s not as bad as it was in some places ... but I have two really bad parts on my hands. I literally have flaking skin, and have to use industrial strength cream for it lol. I’m just hyped up on steroids haha.

I also suffer from OCD. Its not diagnosed or anything, but it is quite obvious to me. I am constantly finding myself doing these things that I have no control over; and it scared me a bit at first. It’s not that major, and its not like the world will end, but they can affect your life quite a lot: for me its through humiliation and ridicule. I have to eat things in a certain way - I don’t know why – or I have to fidget if I sit still for too long. I find myself literally spelling out words (despite being shit at spelling) with my fingers or direction of sight. I have so many things that I just find myself doing, and it really aggravates me! I just feel broken all of the time.

But the main Problem with me is yet to come ...

Since I was about 10 years old I have always been depressed, and I would even go to say that I suffered from depression (yes there is a difference). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t come from a ‘broken’ home and I received plenty of love; but it was attention I lacked. And I know what you are all thinking ... oh boo hoo, a poor little attention-seeking child, and you’re right to some extent. But attention to a child, is like oxygen, they need it to live and grow up healthy. I always got the feeling that I wasn’t the favourite or particularly cared about; my parents never seemed to mind that I was awake past 3 am, they never seemed to care that I cried myself to sleep, they never seemed to care that I was withdrawn from society ... to overcome this I had two choices: turn to bad behaviour or good. It might sound obvious, but surprisingly many people choose the bad route. I was not one of them. I decided to always be polite, kind, considerate and most of all, I worked really hard at school. I realised that if I acted like this then I would get attention from my parents, and gain what was missing. But htis backfired not long after, when they expected this hard work. It was no longer “oh well done!” and became “why did you only get this grade?!” and so on.

My sisters were always fighting with me over petty things and then blaming me for them. They tried to kill me. Don’t believe me? One kicked through a door to get at me. It got to the stage where I started to feel down a lot of the time, I started comfort eating (and gained a lot of weight) and just lost the enthusiasm to do a lot of things. I just sat there on the sofa and watched as I lost one friend after another. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic, but it can really affect a child, when they see ALL of their close friends running outside to play, knocking on EVERY door ... but yours. Never thinking about that little kid who you used to play with. It got to the point where I ran away on a regular basis. I counted 17 before I gave up. They were never too far, and were more experiments than anything – just to see how my family reacted when they realised I ran away – do you know HOW they reacted? They didn’t. When I first started, I was too afraid to leave the house for good, so I used to hide in my wardrobe for hours, until someone would come in and shrug it off as ‘being a kid’; then I decided to hide on top of the shed to observe them. I would do anything to make sure that they realised I wasn’t there anymore (even barricading the stairs with my note) but each time they just ‘didn’t realise’ (even with the barricade). I ran away over night to the local park and climbed trees to hide and everything; not a flinch. Each time it was the same: “oh I thought you were upstairs” ... but when my sister is late for her curfew by a few hours, the police are involved. In the end I just gave up. That’s when I started...

There were other things involved (sexuality, friends, stress, isolation ect) but they all added to my sense of depression. I learnt hieroglyphics in my free time, with the intention of being able to write a dirary in public while no one was able to read it. It worked for a while, where I was able to write down how much I hated myself, and suicide plans in

secret ... until my friend got worried and found my translator. I stopped writing then, and started something else. I had a few friends who self harmed. So I tried it. I didn’t like it at first, it hurt, it was dangerous, it involved blood at a time where I was very squeamish. But I soon realised that I liked the after-burn. I got a taste for it. Soon I was slicing away at my wrists like no tomorrow, and simply covered it up with sweat bands. I used an old razor I broke to get the blades and kept it hidden in my room (even to this day), and I cut so much that I actually wore out my wrist. I can no longer cut it without cutting a vein or artery. But this is a good thing I guess. So in short, I eventually went to a Doctor to see if he would send me to a specialist or just drug me up, but he did something much worse. He laughed at me, and to quote him, when I told him about when I tried to overdose he said “what was I O.D.ing on? Skittles?!”. This broke my confidence down completely, and to this day I refuse to go and see a Doctor about this. But I am on the rough and rocky road to recovery, and hardly ever cut myself. Not amazing, but its better than nothing. And Peter has been amazing since i've known him: he's stood by me and been there when i needed him. I love him and he loves me even if i'm broken. He is just so perfect, and makes me want to stop. I hate the scars it has left me with, but each of them have their own story to tell. ...

I have many more 'problems' but these are the main ones and the ones that affect me most. I dont think i've shared this much with people before, but i wanted to x

Jack xx

(P.S. Sorry for sounding so pathetic lol)

Peter's Jake

At long last i met the famous Jake!!! I was going to talk to Peter about him, but he had to go, so i didnt. but litterally minutes later he added me on Facebook. After a little Facebook stalking we got to talking and i'm not quite sure what to make of him. These are only some sections of our convo:

He Said:

I just always rope him into doing stuff, like camming or phone sex. If i stayed friends with him he would cheat on u

If I wanted him I could get him, but I wouldn’t do that

I haven’t decoded to let you have him until now

He said he loves me and would want to date me but now ur in the pic, and he thinks ur better equipped to date lonf distance

He’s been through almost everything with me ... thisis going to send me back a ways, I can already feel my need to get my razor. So if I find otu you hurt him in even the tinyest ways I’m gonna be hellla pissed. And im gunn come like a hell storm that doesn’t end. Cos im giving up my heart for you to take care of. Understand?

So I Said:

Yh, and please don’t do anything :( I don’t like the thought of someone hurting themselves over me (and I don’t mean to sound selfish or anything) just try to stay strong and you will make it through, and im always here to talk to and everything. I hope that we can be friends after this, or at lease acquaintances lol. I really don’t want to hurt him, I love him, and would rather hurt myself than injure him in any way. Believe me. So if I did hurt him, not only would you have to get in line to hurt me lol but I would eb in line before you. But I understand x

And so after that he said

I will be checking in with u every so often haha but I wont be talking to peter at all anymore. I can be your friend as well lol when we talk it doesn’t have to be about u and bri bri lol

So I know that he likes Peter, a lot, and that he thinks i'm good for him. But his attitude implies that:
A) he can take Peter away at any moment
B) i am Peter's rebound :(
C) that Peter doesn't really like me as much as he said, but rather i am more suited to him

I love you Peter, so don't take this in the wrong way. This post is about what he has said and the implications of it. But i don't mean for this to come between the two fo you, and if this is true or not true, just let me know :) ok? Love you Baby xx

- Ttyl Jack xx

Bokanovskification

This is the process of cloning an embryo to form up to 72 identical twins; and by adjusting the different chemicals and amounts into the blood stream, you can affect almost everything about them: height, weight, intelligence...

So why did I put this in a post? Because if this were to ever exist (I don’t know if it does or not, it’s in the dystopian novel Brave new World) then I don’t know how we would survive. I mean, everyone is individual and unique; but what if that were to be removed? Would we retain our identity or loose it? Would there be 71 other Peter's, or would I be able to pick my one out, every time? I love him and don’t want to loose him. More over ... I don’t want him to loose his sense of self EVER! It’s what makes him, him. His imperfections, his cute little actions, his appearance, the list is endless. And I never want to see another Peter; he is the only one in my eyes

Love you
Jack xx

"I don't like the Homosexuals"

I GOT MY LAPPY BACK!!! And the very nice man even threw in a free charger that fits with my lappy, so i shouldnt overcharge it anymore! AND he managed to save all of the memory on my little lappy, so i haven't lost any of my work :)

So onto what i did over the last few days ...
So i'm going to share with you something from my (and Peter's) diary, from the 5th:
"i was planning on getting up at 5am to talk to my bf which would give me about an hour and a half to talk to him (heaven) but my alarm decided that i shouldnt go downstairs and talk to him, and instead i would sleep. And sleep i did, until i had 15 mins until i had to leave. I was late leaving, but early to college. Interesting. But despite all of this, i felt SO bad for Peter. He stayed up an extra 2 hours to talk to me, and although the geture was really kind and meant a lot, i dont fancy my first ever bf dying on me; so if/when you read this know, that i know, if you could you would stay up forever to talk to me (as would i for you) but you cant keep doing this to your body! ... and yes, he knows i am a hypocrite ... i just love him so much! and i was actually crying because i coudnt talk to him for long."

On the 6th i had to rush home to see my mum, who was visiting. She actually stayed for quite a long time surprissingly which was nice, but ti meant i could barely talk to Peter and then i had to go out to this youth group i go to. The one benefit of this group is that i usually get in at about 12, which is dinnertime for Peter, so i can just stay up late and talk to him ... if he wants. So the youthgroup was quite uneventful ... except for one thing :/ I had a panic attack. I dont have them often, but i hate them. Long sotry short,, i was mugged a few years ago and they stole my phone, so since then i get really panicky if people take my things and wont give them back: esspecially my phone. So when Jake took my phone, i kinda lost it. I havent told my baby yet about this, because i didnt want him to worry because i am fine now x Unfortunately i couldn't talk to Peter for long when i got in, but i woke up at 5am on sat to that we could talk more and privatelly.

On the 7th, i got up very early to talk to Peter. I dont think he liked it much, but i didnt care. It was worth every second to get to talk to my baby x But we couldnt talk too long as my dad has been getting kind of annoyed at how long i spend on the computer and how late i stay up, so i had to go t bed before he got up. But in the end i just lay there thinking about my baby and how much i love him! And how far apart we are :(



Then in the morning on the 7th i went around my grandad's house. We do it every week as he doesnt do much and we love him, so i dont mind. Although one thing he said stuck with me and kind of hurt a bit. I know that he isn't exaclty Gay-Friendly i mean we dont talk to our uncle as he is a drug adict (long story) but my grandad doesnt because he is gay. I only realised i have another uncle recently! And he somehow we got onto the topic of our cousins and he showed me a picture of one i never knew existed and do you know what he said? You do? How? Oh right, its in the title ... well he said "I dont like the Homosexuals". He said it in quite a calm and matter of fact way - almost jokingly - but i know that its true; and no matter how much i love him, i cant come out to him because he would litterally dissown me :(

So that has been the last few days, sorry i didnt post much but i have my lappy back now (with memory!) so can go online much more! And regularly too!

Ttyl Jack xx