Sorry for my complete melt down last night, I’m a bit calmer now. Although there is no guarantee it won’t happen again soon.
So what got you so rallied up Jack?
Well, mysterious voice, I found out that the 4 months worth of work I have been doing for media, might be a jeopardy, We need to get permission for the song we are creating a music video for, so that we can change it and post it on places like YouTube and Blogger.
Yeah?
And I found out yesterday ... 14 hours before our coursework deadline ... that the third member of our group (who dropped out of college) who had been the one to get permission, as lost it. Well it wasn’t lost; he knew exactly where it was...
In his Email TRASH!
Apparently Yahoo deletes emails if they have not been saved, after a while. And his got deleted, so basically at 1am I was desperately trying to gain permission for the song, or else I am ... how would you put it? SCREWED!
... and not the good kind ;P
But it’s all over now, I got permission ... although cant publish it on YouTube, so no video for you guys ... but the coursework deadline has come and gone and we got most of it handed in. WE got an extension because we’ve been fucked around so much, but I can tell she’s going to be a complete bitch cyborg to me. Oh well.
So that’s that. I have to go and get ready, going to youth club tonight and I’ve got Jakes birthday meal/party tomorrow. So a few days to relax and regain some fractions of my shattered social life.
Hey everyone, no I’m not dead. No I’m not a zombie come back from the dead. No I’m not a brain eating creature that had risen from the grave to munch on my flesh eating brethren. Ok, enough with the death! I’ve just voluntarily put myself into a metaphorical hermitage where I have been focusing on my media coursework.
We I have finished a lot of the work we have to complete, but we I still have loads more to do! I mean, we still have some filming to do tomorrow ... and the deadline’s Friday!
I still have to LOADS more work, and my partner is getting on my nerves a little. Granted, he is doing more work than before (and we had a little chat about how he is being distracted by his gf and its affecting OUR work), but he’s just not good at the video commentary. I know how that sounds, but when you have to literally tell him what to talk about .. when your just talking about what you filmed, and he gets it wrong ... it gets frustrating. Trust me!
So I’ve been working ridiculously hard the last week or so to try and get it done in time, but its a lot of work, and I may have to try to get an extension. It shouldn’t bee too much trouble, as she knows how many problems we’ve had.
So what else have I been doing? I filmed on sat for my media. We created a facebook event and rented out a big hall to film crowd shots. We invited about 40 people and ONE turned up. 15 minutes before we were supposed to be out of there. But oh well, we finished and got the shots we wanted, so wasn’t a complete failure.
I also had two exams. I had one in Sociology, where we had to study crime in society and the reasons why it exists. Its quite an interesting topic, where we applied theory to modern-day events, like the Reccession and some older events like The Clapham Junction Crash; as well as some more general ones like Rape ...
... Did you know after 5 hours of searching for a female rapist in Britain, I only came up with one name?! Claire Marsh. And she didn’t even rape the victim, she stood on the sidelines and helped to strip her and harass her, but she is classified as a rapist and got more time than the other people who actually raped the victim. Interesting how things like that work. Sorry if I sound unemotional, I’m just rushing to get this post finished lol. And so my exam went quite well, we get three questions and we have to do two of the essays. And guess what?! Two of the questions are on my favourite and best sections, so fingers crossed!
My other exam was maths. I had the weekend to revise, and I did a lot, but not enough. I’m always like that though. But the exam went quite well. The questions were simple, and I had already done a couple of them in practice papers, so I knew how to do it. Although I did have to leave one question as it didn’t factorise :/
I’m sure some other stuff has happened, but I’m drawing a blank, so until then ...
Ttyl, Jack xx
P.S. I love you baby! Hope you come back to Bloggerland soon :( xxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.P..S. My friend took this photo and I LOVE it, just though I'd share it :)
I have been mistaken for one, have the mentality/fashion of one and now ... I have a music video!
...
So I’ll start off with my mentality.
As I am writing this, I am procrastinating from doing revision for my exam tomorrow afternoon, in Sociology (i'll let yall know how i do). I mean, who really cares if Crime is socially constructed through Political and Economic marginalisation, or that NRR’s believe in Broken Windows, or that Marxists believe in Commodity Fetishism (yes, I though yall’d like that one lol).
As for the fashion, I can be really vain sometimes. I love clothes and I like to look nice. Not to say I don’t have my bad hair days or days where I just throw on anything. But a combination of OCD, good fashion sense, logistics and careful shopping result in one thing. MATCHING CLOTHES. I don’t mean the kind, where several items match perfectly! ... although I do actually have that through coincidence ... but where my socks, underwear, shoes and top (and jumper, hat scarf ect) have to be matching in colour!
Sad... I know.
But anyway, so the other night (Tuesday, I think), I had a little family ‘outing’. Me, my dad and my two sisters went up to London to watch ‘The Boxer Rebellion’. My dad has been following them (literally) since 2003; which means I have been brought up on their music. And its really strange being offered a pint and being able to accept it now lol ... even if I did trip up the stairs and spill half of it on me :/
But it’s great. Because my dad’s known them for so long, they’re really good mates. Like, he’s driven their tour bus, gets shout-outs, backstage passes, free CD’s and Posters (signed of course) like 3 months before its released! They’re really great musicians who used to be signed, and the label went broke, (and now they’ve made cameo’s on films) and its great! I know celebrities!
They play all over the world which is great. My dad went to Brussels to watch them live, and they are playing at this massive concert in Texas. I SOO WANT TO GO, just so I can see my baby lol, but its too expensive and is probably really far away anyway :/
So anyway, their manager was talking to me in the bar (I love being 18 lol) and he was like “do you have a band, you look like your a rock star” , and I was like OMG!!! I WISH! He gave off that vibe that he liked my look and would have been interested if I had any talent in music lol. Kinda gutted I didn’t learn as a child (well, continue).
So, onto my last part. I AM A ROCKSTAR! Me and my partner finished our Draft of our Music Video, last week (I was LITTERALLY the LAST person out of college. The caretaker told me off for being there so late lol and was waiting for me to leave so he could set the alarm). But then my partner was ill and I didn’t know, so I couldn’t upload it to YouTube yet. But here it is: enjoy.
(Btw, we changed actors so there are some discrepancies, and some missing shots, but feedback would be great x)
(lol, i had to re-create this video for media ... just thought you'd like to know)
Jack xx
P.S. Had a nice chat with my Mum earlier, about how she is putting too much emphasis on her and her bf’s distance. He lives in Manchester, and she keeps complaining it might not work. LOL. I would have told her then how far Peter lives, but I want to tell my dad and my mum together.
P.S.S. Dad’s in a mood because someone broke the splash-back on our cooker. Complete crack in it! But it actually wasn’t me lol.
P.S.S.S. I LOVE YOU BABY! I know we haven’t had a chance to talk much lately, but I really do love you. You are my world atm, and make me smile. You are my breathe, so don’t fail me now :) xx
P.S.S.S.S. Jake is staying over tonight, so that'll be fun :)
Yes. Today’s very cheery topic is death. This is for two reasons, and therefore I will divide my post up into two parts.
...
So to start, let’s begin with something a bit more traditional.
My best friend Jake’s Great Nan died yesterday. I feel terrible for him, but at the same time, I do feel kind of relieved. WE were due to go to our youth-group on Friday but he texted to say that he couldn’t go because he had a family emergency; which meant I was abandoned for the night, but I didn’t mind, I was just really worried for him.
Interestingly the first thought I had was “OMG! Someone’s died”. Not quite. I went over to his house after youth-group as you cant leave beyond a certain time, and so when I got over there I kind of chickened out, thinking I was being really rude. But in the end I decided I HAD to see if he was ok.
So I knocked on the door and asked if he was ok, and he told me that his Great Nan was in the hospital after a heart attack. I was immediately glad I came over. We ended up talking from 11pm – 1.30am in his house. And I found out that she had been seriously ill and they said she only had 6 months left ... 16 months ago. And so about 20 mins after I went over, his mom came home and said they thought she only had 2 days left at a maximum, so I told him I was there for him, and any of his family. I don’t know them that well, but death is kind of my forte, so I still want to be there for them; and they really are such lovely people.
And btw, I was “kind of relieved” as they had been given this warning 16 months ago and later on that night. So we sat and talked about most things and everything, and I suggested if he went to a different youth-group (one he helps run for younger children) then his younger brother could talk to the leader about death and Heaven; which should help to calm him down and make him feel better.
So then, the next day I found out that she had died peacefully and I immediately asked if he was ok. He was. He wasn’t overly close to her so it didn’t hurt as much as it could have, but I’m sure it did sting a lot. It always does. So I’m just reminding him I’m here for him and everything, and invited him over tomorrow for dinner, so we can hang out and everything. I really do hope he is ok :/
... For anyone who has ever lost someone close to them ...
...
So when I got home, I had another down turn, which is why I haven’t posted as much over the last few days. It was one of my worse ones I think, and I feel really bad to make Peter go through it. Sometimes I just want to reach out for anything near me and end it, other times I want to prolong the suffering for various reasons, and other times I just can’t get it out of my head. I usually bury these thoughts as deep as possible, though helping others, or distracting myself in varying ways (like working at college for 10 straight hours or more).
But its still there. Its still there eating away at me from the inside out, and there is nothing I can do.
Being the sweet and innocent person Peter is, he asks that if I do need to cut myself, I do it in front of him. This is not some strange fetish or anything, its to make sure that I don’t die in the process, and he thinks that it will reduce how much I do. Which was true for the first time. But it doesn’t work on me anymore. I am back where I was at the start, trying not to self harm in the first place. And I have gotten quite good at it over the years, where I ca go longer periods of time without doing it and it works, but the thoughts are still there.
Literally every day, I have the same thoughts circulating around and around in my head, like a Ferris-wheel or a carrousel. I know what my triggers are and try to avoid them as best I can, but everything sets me off; and it also goes off on its own accord.
Here is an extract from the conversation me and Peter were having:
Jack
why are you with me?
Peter
because i love you
Peter
reemmber all the other reason i wrote down lol
Jack
no, i mean actually why
Jack
when we first met, why did you agree to take on such a damaged piece of shit?
Peter
cause i am just the same
Peter
even more so baby
Jack
no your not
Peter
oh the hell im not
Jack
do you think about mutilating your body all day long?
Jack
do you walk down the stairs and look at the bannister you were going to hang yourself from?
Jack
do you fear each time you have to use the carving knife, incase you 'slip'?
do you run through suicide letters in your free time, when your feeling down, just to see what you would write and who would actually give a damn if you died?
Every word of that is true, and I hate it. But I can’t help it. Idk, I just wish I could get a minutes rest.
So overall, Death is a very big topic on people’s minds right now, and it sucks.
Hey, so I was going to a boring and self indulgent post about how I had to stand on a bridge not moving in the freezing cold for an hour and such fun, or how a certain blogger has really upset me; but I was inspired by Peter’s post (you can find it here).
I just feel terrible that he had to go through something like that and I have no real understanding. No amount of research or empathy can make me understand how it felt. Its just ... would YOU want the one you love being hurt?! ...
Ok, so over the years I have often been the one to go too for advice and help on almost any topics. Even from a young age I’ve had kids ask me about relationships, education, you name it, I’ve tried my best to advise on it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a professional actual adviser or anything, nor is my advice guaranteed to work; but it has given me some practice and I really do try my best. Some people would not care or force their opinion on someone, but I don’t have an opinion. Or rather, I keep it to myself, or make it clear it is MY opinion.
To keep a level head and think logically is usually the best way to go.
Like, the other day, my ex girlfriend came over to see me (which was kinda out of the blue, but oh well) and she dropped a bomb shell. She has been dating her bf for over a year now (no offence, but he was her rebound ... they got together only a few days after we split) and have been pretty inseparable since. They are kind of the power couple I know, but not many people like them, which is a shame because they are both lovely. Anyway, she came to me to get my advice because she was also in love with his best friend and he loves her. They had done stuff, including a threesome, and in pairs, and she was torn.
Should she break up with her bf and only hurt him.
Should she discontinue this affair and hurt the other guy.
Should she dump both and hurt both.
Or should she continue with both, and hurt both.
So we ended up circling around college talking it through, and I tried to give her arguments for and against each side, so that she could make her own decision. I did feel guilty not being able to tell her bf, but when I help give someone advice, I keep it confidential unless it is a life or death situation. People should have the right to ask for advice and not have it displayed around college.
And so, I beg you. Anyone out there. If you have something eating you up inside, confide in someone. It doesn’t have to be me, or a professional, just someone you can trust and (hopefully) is unbias. Even just having someone to listen to you can make a world of improvement. You are not alone and there are thousands of other people out there who have, or are going, through the same things.
Why learn from YOUR mistakes, when you can learn from OTHER’S.
...
But if you do ever want to talk, chat, complain, get advice, or anything in between, just contact me at the_worlds_hurt@hotmail.com ... every one has the right to be heard. x
~ Jack xx
P.S. I'm always here for you baby, no matter what you say or do x
Hi, I'm Jack, I'm 19 and gay. I live in the UK and I am always here to give or take advice, or even just chat; so feel free to contact me at the_worlds_hurt@hotmail.com x
Ok, so i am just going to include this just incase i do something someone doesn't like.
I include my own pics that i take myself, but sometimes i use a picture or video that i do now own. If you see a image of you or that belongs to you and wish for it to be romoved then just email me or comment and it will be removed shortly, thank you. I do not intend to use it, and do not claim it as my own, i don't mean to offend anyone :)
Also i do not control my followers or commenters, so beware when following their links and any oppinions or attitudes expressed by them, are not neccesarily my own.
