End of an Era

I watched you every day.
And I memorised your hair, your eyes,
Looking the night away.
Painting your face inside my mind,
Hoping never to forget,
Worlds apart and yet so close,
So full of love and regret.

Where is he, n’ where did he go?
Why was he here and then not so?
I’m tearing up my mind, inside.

But time moves on,
And so must we,
The seasons change,
And finally flee.
And like the bluebird,
You sang your song,
Then you fly away,
And you move on.

Looking for answers, but don’t know where,
Just the dark blue sky hanging there,
The wind whistling through the pain,
Just a long, long night with nothing to gain.

Thunderclouds looming overhead,
N’ lightning strikes the ground.
Thunderclouds looming overhead,
N’ a tree falls down.

The dim streets, n’ the dark night,
Shadows moving outa sight,
Broken limbs and a broken heart,
Broken mind, but no re-start.

It still hurts, when I think of you,
It still hurts, to breathe.
It still hurts, when I say your name,
It still hurts, me.

TGIS!

So today I had the sense to do nothing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have LOADS to do, but I just cba.

I was up until early this morning doing crap, and watching TV. I just wasn’t in the mood to sleep. Go figure. So I go to bed at 2am and get up about 8. Usual Saturday.

I lay in bed until about mid-day watching TV and wasting my life away, the good way. My friend has really got me into Naruto! Its kind of annoying that she has so much influence over me, but I don’t mind. Its a good show (I’m actually watching it as I write this).

Naruto and Sasuke would make such a cute couple!

Anyway, so I’m spending my Saturday night at home, alone, and what do I do?

I help my friend get dressed. Long story short, I was providing her with fashion advice and telling her what to wear, and then we webcamed and she showed me what we decided :P

She looked AMAZING!

She used to be a model!

And so as we were deciding what to wear, she admitted something to me ...

She used to have a big crush on me when she first met me.

Want to know the annoying thing? I had a huge one on her at the same time!

Its always the case with me. I like a girl, but am WAY to shy, so I don’t say anything. Eventually I get over the crush, and we become close friends, just for me to find out they like me and that we could have had our happy ever after together.

You’d be surprised how often this has happened to me...

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with Peter and she now has a bf, so I’m glad we didn’t get together. But its just SO frustrating!

We got into a discussion about why we didn’t say anything to each other. She actually feels like she is “plain” an “invisible” and yet she is stunning! And I told her that I didn’t make a move because she was out of my ‘league’.

Its interesting how the league system works because its always different to different people. To me, she is like a 9, but she doesn’t feel the same. She thinks of herself more of a 4. People are attracted to different things and its just such a shame that some people cant understand how they are attractive to others.

I know I am being a hypocrite because I’m the EXACT same as my friend, but its interesting. Almost everyone feels the same way: they don’t like how they look, and yet, when they are confronted with someone who also doesn’t like they way they look, they find it difficult to understand how they feel that way!

That’s the mind for you. Predictable and yet, unique.

Jack xx

Life by Moonlight: Part 1

“Charge!”

The command thundered between the surrounding mountains, as the nearing army stormed onwards. The clouds were blackened and cast a dim light over the battlefield, the only source of light from the aberrant flashes of lightning. Together they struck fear in the heart of man, promising imminent defeat and death to those who wait. Thunder rumbled overhead and filled the valley with its song, as the steady beat of rain grew stronger and more boisterous. The torrential downpour transformed the once lush, grassy field into a barren swamp, in a matter of minuets, but the oncoming mass seemed unfazed and did not slow. Battle cries raged and grew in numbers, the shrieks now barely audible over the thunderous storm and blustering winds.

And then he saw them.

Disfigured creatures swarming in the distance, as far as the eye could see, until they merged into a gigantic black cloud. It was full of a strange black light, an area of nothingness that burrowed through the air, engulfing anything in its path. No light was emitted, but rather it sought out and absorbed what little there was. It covered the surrounding area, flowing over the distant hills and never stopping, never slowing. Leaching the life out of the land.

In the distance the beasts had looked normal and almost human, but this was far from the truth. They all varied in size and shape, no two the same, and although they resembled man, their flesh was rotten and black, and their bloody eyes filled with a hated unknown to anything alive. They stormed ahead with a single-mindedness determination, oblivious to anything but their one and only goal. They were not here to conquer, they were here to destroy.

They were only half a league away now, but they were cloaked in darkness, masking their grotesque forms and any other features.

“Now!”. The commanding roar was bellowed from somewhere behind him, in the mass of silver armour. He just had time to witness the legions fall into position, before the approaching army reached its prey.

The spearmen were on the front line and lowered their pikes against the approaching doom. Hand crafted wooden shafts with metal tips, were all that stood between the two opposing forces. Behind them, legions of archers released a sea of arrows on the enemy, dropping them dead. Limp corpses littered the ground with wooden shafts protruding from their bodies. But this was a mere scratch on the enemy’s endless army, and the dead were simply trodden on and forgotten. The latter approached they rammed into the weapons, sacrificing themselves. They managed to support the numbers for a while, but they were soon overpowered and the barrier was broken. 

The entire army took out their broadswords and hacked away at anything that moved. The field stained red and littered with countless generations, the enemy reached him. Fear rushed through him and he froze. Unable to move, he saw his imminent death, only moments away.

A creature emerged from the crowd and walked towards him, sword flashing in the crimson in the light. Then he realised the creature wasn’t carrying weapons, they were weapons. Its arm was flat and razor sharp, it had no need of a sword. They had been born and raised for this single purpose. The creature swung for him, angling its arm downwards. He managed to raise his arm just in time, to block the attack, and shield his exposed flesh. The sound of crashing metal echoed  throughout his mind as he focussed on the creature. Attack after attack, he avoided the deathly swings, but never able to attack, himself. Then, he missed. The creature dropped its left arm and sliced his chest open. It all went suddenly silent. As his eyes lowered, he looked at his blood covered hands, and it all went dark.

To be continued ...

Not what I was expecting

So today I had several options for posts that I will surely save for the future, so don’t worry, there will be plenty of content coming your way. However, I had decided immediately to do a post on revision and grades as I got full marks on a test and it was the best in the year. Yay me.

But I have been feeling kinda down lately, and well, quite frankly, I couldn’t be arsed.

Well, not that I couldn’t be arsed, but more, I didn’t feel up to doing a ‘yay me’ post when I feel like complete crap.

So yes, I’m sorry fellow bloggers and mystery guests, but this post is going to be about me being down in the dumps. But due to popular demand, you guys said you wanted me to share these moments with you, so just be warned.

So its just been one of those weeks for me, where I get a bit sad about nothing in particular, and then I get ‘tempted’. Whether it be a passing ‘cutting’ thought, or a simple ‘this would kill you’. Don’t worry, I don’t act on it. At this stage it is very simple, and I get through several of these thoughts in an hour or two, perfectly manageable to me.

But then I get thinking about life, as we all do and it goes a bit downhill.

Life sucks.

If there is life, then there will be happiness; if there is happiness then there will be hope; with hope there will be dreams; with dreams, reality; reality, disappointment; disappointment, sadness and distress.

Its inevitable.

But I know that from this disappointment – where you are at rock bottom – it is much easier to find happiness and hope.

The cycle continues.

Is there a way to break this cycle? Is there a way to just remain in a perpetual state of one of these categories? Why must life be full of little surprises where history changes one TINY event, to make things completely different? And yet, the basics remain the same.

It just seems like I’m reliving events over and over again, only difference is: I know the outcome. Yet, I cant seem to change it. Like a nightmare that you have no control over, it just keeps coming back, night after night, the same events unfolding, unable to help yourself. Until you wake up.

Think back to your past, all those years ago. Were you once happy? Were you once full of hope and dreams for the future? Did those hopes and dreams one day come true? Or did you simply change them once reality struck? Did you fall? Have you fallen? Are you falling? ...

Jack xx

(sorry for the depressive post, but hope you didn’t mind the change in structure/content.)

Sometimes I just wonder if things are better off without me ...

Back at Last!

HEY EVERYONE!

No, I’m not dead! Just returning from a mandatory vacation.

Well not really a vacation, more ‘a visit to hell’. My laptop got a nasty virus on Friday and it has taken a week to get it fixed. Cost a small ransom, but I needed it to be able to LIVE!

But I will be honest that as this is my 101^st post, I wanted to make it something more special, and make this my re-vamp!

SURPRISE!!!!

Yes, for a long time now I have felt that my blogging has not gone the way I wanted it to, and has just become a menial diary where I dictate my bland life to you. No point arguing, we all know its true. So I have several instalments – and hopefully improvements – to make. So here they go:

I want to reflect upon life in general, so my posts will still contain what’s been happening in my life, but I want to be more theoretical. What’s the point in focusing on how I trod in Dog Faeces, if I’m not going to rant about why people cant clean up their messes.

I hope to post instalments of my novel (and/or sort stories on here) as I am an aspiring novelist. HA. I have been writing it since I was 7, where each attempt failed. I think the first time I tried to write a book, it lasted a page and a half. Start to finish! But this one is going well, so why not post it online?!

I will be opening up an Agony Uncle section, where people can send me questions of varying nature, and I will try my best to offer REAL advice x People usually confide in me and I try my best to help them out, so I thought, why should that be limited to physicality? I mean, just because I cant touch you guys, doesn’t mean you might not need help. It would all be confidential, and so I hope I get a few replies :)

There may be adverts coming up soon, as, well, me and Peter felt any help towards paying for plane tickets would be needed haha. I don’t know how badly this will affect my blog, hopefully not too much, but you’ll be there every step of the way with me :) ... hopefully.

And on that note, me and Peter have been discussing whether we should implement a donation section. A few incredibly generous people have offered substantial amounts to help (or practically) pay for me to see Peter, but due to stubbornness, our hatred for borrowing and a few other factors we turned them down. They shall remain nameless, upon request, but I just wanted to let them know how much it meant. However, we were brought back to the idea we had when we first started dating of having a donations section on our blog, where people could donate smaller, amounts IF THEY SO WISH! (sorry, I just don’t want people to feel pressured). We are not asking for money, nothing near it, and at the moment it is just talk, but people could donate smaller amounts if they want to, in exchange for more and more varied content. A kind of, payment, if you wish.

So these are the changes I will be making to my blog:

1.       Theoretical content, that reflects upon life

2.       Short stories/novel segments

3.       Agony Uncle

4.       Possibly Adverts

5.       Possibly Donations

Any feedback or advice is sorely needed ad appreciated! Oh, and if there is anything else you want to see up here, just say so :)

And I won’t hold it against any followers if they ‘un’ follow. My log will not be what you signed up for, so I hope none go, but its ok :) I’m not going to hunt you down ... much. Haha.

Jack xx

100th Birthday

Yes its true. It is my 100th Birthday.

No, not age! It's my 100th post, and so I wanted to thank all of my kind followers. I have changed so much over the past few months and you have all been there with me, as the journey unfolds. So i wanted you all to get to know me a bit better.

Its tradition here that you get a Birthay Card from the
Queen on your 100th Birthday :P


I promised myself that if I got to my 100th post, that i would do this, so here goes

...

1. My name is Jack. Yes, really.
2. I have brown eyes.
3. I have dark brown hair that grown ridiculously quickly.
4. My favourite colour is dark blue.
5. I live in England, near to London. That’s all you get, unknown people :P
6. I constantly use slang like "lol" way too much, but I think it shows how I want the info to be interoperated.
7. I have many pet peeves, but I hate, hate, HATE it when people walk too slow in front of you.  I think they do it on purpose ¬¬
8. I am annoyingly indecisive.
9. I don’t have a favourite food, music, place ect.
10. I do not have a middle name
11. I have adopted the name ‘Tyler’ for a middle name, because Peter gave it to me.
12. I have a cat called Mischief, who I love to pieces.
13. I have to do things evenly, such as the TV Volume or even when I eat things.
14. My clothes have to match colour.
15. I have had 37 ex-girlfriends. Yes, 37.
16. I was an incredibly frigid child.
17. I broke my arm when I was 4.
18. I fell of a slide, causing number 8.
19. I LOVE the “mummy” and all other associative programmes/films.
20. I am more about personality than looks, although I am kinda shallow. I mean, I have to be attracted to the person for it to work!
21. When I first meet someone, I usually look at their eyes or hair first.  
22. I don’t have a ‘type’ but I prefer ‘normal’ guys. (not all bones or all muscle ect).
23. I'm a virgin for both guys and girls.
24. I would have (had) sex with a girl if the opportunity presented itself.
25. If I think someone is good looking, I usually fiddle with my hair a lot.
26. I am a procrastinator, if there is an excuse not to do something, I will find it. I’m like a human sniffer dog.
27. I used to be really picky with food.
28. I used to ONLY eat Jam sandwiches.
29. I then moved onto Ham Sandwiches.
30. Then Spam. Told you I was picky.
31. When I’m alone I sometimes talk to myself.
32. I think being weird is cool, quirky and cute.
33. I am a love-drunk. (ie. I say I love you” a million times)
34. I have a nasty habbit of using technology while being drunk. Not good :/
35. I went through a period where I smoked cigarettes for a while. Not proud of it but I quit, when my sisters boyfriend caught me. He didn’t tell.
36. I have never smoked marijuana, although I would like to try it once.
37. I have an addictive personality. Like, I check facebook and blogger religiously.
38. I had braces for 4 years.
39. They said I’d have them for 2 ¬¬
40. I used to LOVE Simpsons. I still do, but not as much.
41. I have every series of it on DVD.
42. I have over 300 of their comics, including the first 10 ever. Told you ... addictive.
43. I have 2 older sisters, but countless younger cousins.
44. I HATE the thought of people laughing at me.   
45. J'ai parler un peu francais.
46. I also know a lot of Russian Insults. (My ex taught me).
47. I am a big grammar and punctuation freak (or as Peter would say ... Dork).
48. I found it very difficult to spell as a child. I could spell difficult, but probably not very.
49. I constantly loose at games with my friends. Especially Monopoly and Super Mario Party 8.  
50. I used to do Hurdles in school and was quite good at them.
51. I LOVE Shakespeare to pieces. I even researched his mysterious ‘dedication’.
52. I love the smell of new books.
53. I hate the sound it makes when people play with styrofoam.
54. I LOVE the cold. I even leave my window open at night.
55. I have had trouble sleeping since I was a child, but no one in my family believes me that I used to pretend to sleep.
56. For some people the highlight in the morning is urinating. For me it is a cold glass of orange juice.
57. My and my great nan do crossword puzzles when we’re together in the evening.
58. I come from a long line of gardening experts. My dad and great nan can both name the latin names of plants they see.
59. My dad used to be a tree surgeon.
60. My mum, her dad AND her mum were all psychiatric nurses.
61. I multitask constantly. Right now I have the TV, a computer game, MSN, Blogger, Facebook and Google open.
62. I was taught to never give up as a child.
63. I used to bite my nails really badly, but I’ve almost completely stopped.
64. I used to suck my thumb as a child.
65. My mum tried to get me to stop by putting this blue stuff, that tasted disgusting, on it. I didn’t give up (number 62) and powered through for years.
66. My mum taught me how to play chess at a VERY young age. She refused to play by the time I was 10.
67. I am a clutter freak. I hoard everything.
68. I had my first kiss very young. About age 4.
69. I usually promise myself I will do my homework the night I get it set, but leave it until the night before.
70. I hate politics. It confuses me.
71. I am in college at the moment (not litterally) and study 4 courses.
72. I study Media, English Literature, Sociology and Maths.
73. I'm not religious.
74. I LOVE to read, but hate some ‘classics’. I gave up reading the Hobbit.
75. It took me 6 months to read Watership Down.
76.  I am a nice person. People usually take this the wrong way.
77. If I’m nice to a girl, they usually end up liking me. Don’t mean to sound big-headed, but its usually true.
78. If I’m nice about a girl to someone else, they think I like them.
79. Media and Sociology have ruined my life. Not really, but they have changed how I view the world.
80. I can’t not analyse a Media product. E.g. if I a listening to a song I will be thinking about what music video I would make ect.
81. If I think about people as a whole, I will apply sociological theories.
82. I am a terrible person to watch films with as I tear it to pieces: I point out the flaws, continuity errors or just make fun of it.
83. I really like horror films but an kind of squeamish.
84. I used to feint a lot (will explain in a later post).
85. I used to sneak into the cemetery as a child. What?! If they said I couldn’t do something, I had to!
86. I have grown up around death.
87. I have a shirt I only wear at funerals.
88. I found our missing cat Lucky in our Play House. He froze to death.
89. I am REALLY forgetful. I’m lucky if I can even remember 5 minutes ago ... I actually can’t remember what I put for number 1.
90. I live in a 3 bedroom house. Mine is the smallest.
91. I have only ever made ONE mix-tape/CD.
92. I am a romantic. I used to tell my dad what he should do on Valentine’s Day. Haha.
93. I have wanted to join almost every career to man.
94. I am an aspiring novelist since I was about 7.
95. I suffer from REALLY bad eczema.
96. I have wide feet.
97. I only wear Converse All Star shows. I don’t know why, just like them.
98. I absolutely L.O.V.E. Ancient Egypt. I taught myself how to write hieroglyphics at a young age, but have never been to Egypt.
99. I have a university interview on Wed. I’m worried haha.
100. And um ... 100 ... um ... I say “um” WAY too much, haha. At least 3 times in a sentence.

...

So that’s me in a nutshell. If you made it through all 100, WOW, you deserve a medal. But there will be a few changes as of my next post.

Should I keep them a surprise?

I’ll go with majority vote. But I won’t blame any of you kind and devout followers if you choose to leave me.

~ I wish you all he best, Jack xx

...

[UPDATE:] My interview went really well. It took us 2 and a half hours to get there, but it was a fun journey. Ariel and I made a little game up where we saw how many cars waved back at us. We got 2. We even went into a proper traditional bookstore, with books from like the 1700’s. And they were hard-back! (fact 101. I have a thing for hard back books lol). So the interview was a group one where we just had to create a short video, consisting of 6 still images and a voiceover, where we had to make the audience think. All the feedback I got was great haha. Thanks for the support everyone! Got another interview on wed so fingers crossed lol xx

Hello

Sorry for all of the confusion fellow bloggers, I didn’t mean to worry any of you (if you in fact did worry haha) but I was going through some things. I was going to post this as a comment to Peter's Blog Post, but there was too much to put, so I thought I should put it in my own post: so other bloggers could see why I came back.

So I’ll start from the beginning... (and if your impatient, you can just skip to the end haha)

Peter had sex. Well not 4^th base, but it wasn’t entirely innocent lol. So he met this guy and they got talking and he invited Peter over at 1am to watch a film. I will be honest, that I suspected something may happen, but I love Peter and I trust him and I knew that if something were to happen then it would just be sex. So I didn’t say anything.

So Peter rushed off to go and meet him, I was a little upset because he didn’t do the usual “love you” – or rather “lve you” – but I am sad like that so tried to ignore it. So we talked the next day and he told me what happened.

He didn’t cheat like Peter said, and many of you devout bloggers know, but a part of it felt like he did cheat to me. We agreed that having sex with others is fine, but no love-making: no emotions if possible. And I am ok with this, I love him and if I cant be physically with him then he can get this from others. So when I heard what they did together I didn’t mind.

Honestly.

What hurt me was that they hugged and kissed and cuddled. It didn’t strike me as sex, it was far closer to making-love. So I was a little hurt and upset, but we got over this and it got us talking. We moved on. I know this sounds harsh or mean on my side, but I don't mean it that way. It's just one of my silly hang-ups that I'm over now x

So I told peter how I was worried that I would come to resent him – as in ALL my relationships I stay until the bitter end ... literally ... but that I didn’t want this to happen but nor did I want to break up. I love him. To which his response was:

“Ok, lets do this. You’re no longer my bf”.

Which cut. It cut deep and I shortly retired from MSN to cry for several hours. But we later talked it through and turns out he didn’t meant to break up with me, he meant that he didn’t want to hurt me or for me to resent him: so we was caught between a rock and a hard place.

Should he end it here and save me possibly resenting him, to become friends?

Or should he stay with the one he loves?

He picked the latter. Fortunately. So we’ve talked it through and so yes, I will be returning as the reason I left blogger is because I couldn’t stand to be on the thing that brought us together. It’s not to say that Peter and I won’t have our own ups and downs, but until then we’re fine and happy. I have a lot more news but I think I’ll me mean and ration it all out. I’ve got big plans for the future ...

Jack xx

(I know how much you love Pocahontas baby xx)